Speaking and writing are weak points with me. I've been told I'm abrasive and too direct, too outspoken. I've also been told I'm not communicative enough. Maybe it's time to realize that these judgments reveal more about the weaknesses in the listener than they do about my style of communication.
I'm learning how to say what I feel, how to be true to myself. At the age of 61, you can imagine the reactions I have been getting. I'm changing and people who've been acquainted with me don't understand it, while my closest friends are cheering me on. Bit confusing.
I've been NC with my sibling for 13 years. Because my cousins disregarded my request to not give him my phone number or anything, my sibling has now been in contact with me.
It was a shock that derailed my recovery for days and is still proving to be difficult to deal with.
After a tense and slightly heated first conversation, I reluctantly agreed to speak with him on the phone on a trial basis, knowing I have a tendency to make snap decisions based on my gut reaction which later prove to be not in my best interest.
But it's clear after last night's phone convo that this isn't going to work for me.
Now I just have to come up with the words to tell him. I do feel some compassion for him; M had a difficult pregnancy with him and he had some trouble being born. He's troubled and has had learning difficulties and difficulty regulating his emotions his whole life. How much of that is from his birth and how much from our sick family is anyone's guess.
But I also need to show compassion to my Little Me, who was the outlet for his rage and pain. I no longer need to play a delicate balance game, to help him, my F or my M to handle their feelings in an effort to remain safe physically and emotionally.
I can say what I want to say, I can show my feelings (HUGE lump in my gut just typing that), I don't have to apologize for how others feel. This is all just head knowledge though. My heart tells me different. Time to call up my Inner Angry Teen self to help me deal with this situation, and call him to say I want to go back to NC with him.
Now, I just need the words....
Dear Three Roses,
I don't know what transpired between you and your sibling, but that doesn't matter. You did listen to him, and he's had the chance to speak his words. You don't owe him anything, he's lucky he got you to attempt to give him a trial, but it's not working out for you. And I think it is incredible smart to listen to that part of you. I don't think you should worry too much if you're abrasive and too direct or outspoken when you're telling him this isn't working for you.
I'm cheering you on for listening to yourself and to do what is best for YOU.
I'm with you in thoughts.
Quote from: Three Roses on September 12, 2018, 04:13:43 PM
But I also need to show compassion to my Little Me, who was the outlet for his rage and pain. I no longer need to play a delicate balance game, to help him, my F or my M to handle their feelings in an effort to remain safe physically and emotionally.
I can say what I want to say, I can show my feelings (HUGE lump in my gut just typing that), I don't have to apologize for how others feel.
:yeahthat: Good realisations :applause: :applause: :applause:
Even if that's still head stuff, it will come through into your emotions and actions too, I think. It always does for me eventually anyway.
The words... "No" is a complete sentence. Even if somewhat abrupt. Standing with you. I'm so happy for you that your closest friends are cheering you on. :hug:
Thee roses, I don't have many words right now but know I am sitting with you through this. :hug: Glad you are writing and sharing
If no one else in the world knew your feelings on this, it still wouldn't matter--you do. And you know yourself well enough to know the direction your heart is telling you to take. Not your mind--your heart.
It may puzzle others, and it's easy to fall into a guilt trip that maybe it would be different now if...if and it goes from there. But that's not the heart message you seem to be receiving. And you also seem resolved in what is most important to you. Others might still not understand, but if only you do that's where the love is--by following its call you are honouring yourself, your 'Little Me' then, and now.
Easy? The words can be (or not), but it's your actions that seem to be called into play, for you, now. And actions are by no means easy. This isn't brash--you did talk and mull it over, and have bravely chosen to decide as you have. Again, even if no one else recognizes that, it's not like you're being at all selfish.
:hug:
Sceal, BB, Elph, WG - I am comforted more than I can say. :grouphug:
It didn't go well. But, it's done, and now if he will honor my request, I can go back to working on my own recovery without worrying if he'll call again.
I appreciate this place, to be able to have an outlet and discuss these issues. Thanks for listening. ❤️👍
I am glad it is done :hug: Take a good chance to do lots of self care today. I will be on the porch with you if you want. I have a bit more ability to be proper company now.
Love you always, you did a courageous thing today. So glad you were true to what you needed in your recovery
Three Roses,
I'm so glad you stood up for little you. I hope are able to feel some calmness and even some pride with putting yourself first. :hug:
I am fighting the urge to have him see my side. It's just not worth it. And it wouldn't change my mind anyway. But I would have liked for us to end our relationship on at least an understanding note.
I feel sad that I never had a real brother - like my friends talk about, who had their back, who they can laugh with.
Three Roses wrote: "...I never had a real brother - like my friends talk about, who had their back, who they can laugh with."
Yes, too often that's the crux of these FOO issues, and then we're left with a thankless choice. The gap never seems to fill, either; yet you did what you felt called to do nonetheless. I've never figured out how to do this without pain, sadness, or self-doubt. Some or all of these will likely stick around, especially in the short term.
It seems unfair to always have to do these sorts of actions, but it's there, and we go forward as best we can. In comes the call to self-care--may you find and nourish all the self-care you know about, right now and also down the road. You deserve that care, that peace; and then some more, 'til self-care morphs into self-love as you followed your heart's call. :hug:
Elph, DB, WG :grouphug:
I've been fighting a headache for days now. It's occurred to me this morning that maybe it has something to do with everything in the news recently.
When you grow up being devalued and demeaned by the very people who say they love you, it plays with your ability to keep yourself safe. Our very posture and body language give off signals that we don't know we are sending. We wind up repeating the patterns of abuse, perhaps in an attempt to make sense of our past or overcome it. I know several books talk about this phenomenon but due to my headache I can't remember which books or what it's called.
The first people who abused me were my entire nuclear family. M, F, sibling. But at school, I was also abused by 3 of my teachers, all female. (1st grade, 3rd grade, freshman in high school.) So in my young life there was no one I felt could be trusted to help keep me safe.
My fourth grade teacher was the first grown up I felt safe around. None of my teachers but her even made any pretense about liking me. I'm sure I was a headstrong, rambunctious, trouble maker.
I guess the thing my spirit has been screaming lately is, it's not just men who abuse. That anyone in authority is suspect and untrustworthy. They'll lull you into a false sense of security and hit you when and where you're least expecting it.
I'm glad I'm somewhat reclusive these days. I don't think I can be properly social.
Three Roses,
What you said really hit home for me. Abusers can be ANYONE in power regardless of gender.
I've also had a headache everyday the last week but had chalked it up to the weather. Reading your post made me realize it probably has more to do with the political situation as well.
I've found myself very triggered with the news lately.
As a teacher, it hurts my heart to hear that educators were perpetrators against you. I was the same. They thought I was a loud, obnoxious kid with an attitude. That's not who we were though. We were trying to get help the only way we could. We wore an angry mask to protect us from others.
Just want you to know I'm sitting with you on this.
Oh, Deep Blue, you brought tears to my eyes. :hug:
Three Roses,
Thank you for sharing so openly about this. I hope your headache passes (mine has turned into an ear infection...). I want to send you lots of love <3 and hugs :hug: :hug:
Abusers can truly be anyone, I had all sorts and both genders etc. Anyone that has any power or claims to have any power can be an abuser. I am glad others realize this, but heart broken at the same time. You deserved to have kind teachers that were mentors and that could help you through the other abuse.. not what you got at all. Know I am sitting with you if that is okay.
It is absolutely okay, Elph. Especially when I know you "get it". :hug:
***
Like an onion, the layers are unfolding. I am seeing more and more clearly why I've never been able to keep a job more than a few years, tops. Why I push people away. Why I wasn't able to continue my education. It's a wonder I'm still married. (maybe I'll write about that someday, maybe not.) I have a handful of friends I've had for decades but only because they're the forgiving kind, and I'm grateful for that.
3Roses, I'm glad for you that you are beginning to express what is going on in you :yes: I hope that getting it out is helpful. :hug: :hug: too because for me at least it's often pretty painful when the onion layers start coming apart.
I had female abusers too - they can be anyone as Elph says. They don't come in neat little categories the way I used to be told by Ts and docs.
I hope your headache gets better soon.
:hug: :hug: lot of love to you dear. This is hard stuff and I am so proud of you for facing it.
:hug: to you Three Roses.
Hope :)
my dear 3roses, what a lot of realizations to come up with - no wonder your head hurts. it's shameful that you were abused by teachers - i've had to step in several times when my daughters were young so i know how that goes. grrrr - p's me off that that happened to you and no one helped you out.
hang tough, sweetie. remember, we're black swans, so beautiful to behold, yet denied their existence for so long. peeling those layers can be rough to say the least. understanding what's been hidden there can be painful but enlightening at the same time. you're doing great - i'm so glad for you that you're letting this stuff out while finding the wonder of you beneath it all.
sending much love and a hug filled with calm and peace.
Hey TR,
I just wanted to check to see how you are feeling. How's your head? Have you been able to find a little bit of peace?
Much love
Deep Blue
Head's a little better. Thanks for asking! :heythere:
Hi Three Roses,
Really glad to hear your head is a little better. Hope it's improving as the days/time pass. :hug: to you.
Hope :)
Yesterday was one of those days that just comes out of nowhere. It may have been a trigger, but it was such a small thing! And it left me a wreck for most of the day.
Instead of running away or trying to deny it, I gave myself permission to grieve for the childhood I never had, the family I wanted to feel a part of, fully accepted and cherished. The family I had was easily thrown into its chaotic version and you never knew what was going to happen from one minute to the next.
And so I felt the grief that I've tried to deny all these years. It wasn't fun, but I feel a bit better today.
Grief, for me anyway, turned out not to be a one-and-done activity. Perhaps that's typical of all of this cptsd--it tends to travel circular instead of linear. So (again, just speaking for myself) it's unlike those bucket lists of things done. Unfortunately. But once I also accept the recycling possibility, it does seem easier to handle the next time grief or any of the other after-shocks need attention.
Good to hear you're getting in touch better with your inner self and handling things to where yeah, they're still hanging around :Idunno:, but you're finding that you have the capacity to be fully in charge of your own responses.
I know you're right, WG, there is definitely more to process thru. I'm just in the beginning phases of honestly looking at this issue. Thanks! :hug:
Three Roses,
Maybe it doesn't matter what the trigger was? Maybe you needed to grieve a little and you did that. Maybe carrying around those toxins just dragged you down?
Sending you love support and rebuilding :hug:
It's so hard to journal these days. Just the thought of it is exhausting. I have kept a hand written journal as long as I can remember, since my teens. These days tho I just don't want to talk about anything going on inside me.
But I probably should.
I think it's interesting when I come back to this journal and find that I've written things I don't remember writing! And others that I remember but only in a foggy sort of way. Evidence that my dissociation really is at the level I thought it was, or perhaps even more so.
Something about writing here is daunting, in that I seem to censor myself much more than I ever did in my hand written journals. I guess I'm afraid of criticism, having had so much of that in my life. Or maybe it's my ICr, I'll have to think on that.
Yesterday I had a dentist appointment for a filling, and found myself thinking of the dentist I had as a kid. He was wonderful. Remembering him, I realized he was another grown up in my life that I felt liked me (they were few and far between).
Even as a kid I had a weird, quirky sense of humor and so did Dr M. He would tease me and we'd both giggle like fiends! I'm absolutely positive no one here would find the things he said funny so I'll spare you all. ;) Today, it would probably be considered inappropriate and maybe even unethical but it was something that nourished my little-girl heart. He made me laugh and feel accepted and that was huge for me.
Today I'm totally exhausted. When I interact socially it just wipes me out. So today will be a quiet day at home for me. Maybe I'll paint some more rocks or something. Or cuddle with my dog.
:hug: :hug: if you like, though I'm sure :hug: with :rundog: staying still is more nurturing.
QuoteWhen you grow up being devalued and demeaned by the very people who say they love you, it plays with your ability to keep yourself safe. Our very posture and body language give off signals that we don't know we are sending. We wind up repeating the patterns of abuse, perhaps in an attempt to make sense of our past or overcome it. I know several books talk about this phenomenon but due to my headache I can't remember which books or what it's called.
It's called the repetition compulsion. Several books talk about it, but I'll quote Pete Walker here.
"Many of the clients who come through my door have never had a safe enough relationship. Repetition compulsion drives them to unconsciously seek out relationships in adulthood that traumatically reenact the abusive and/or abandoning dynamics of their childhood caretakers." (From Surviving To Thriving p. 268—269)
Looking back at my late teen to early adult years, I can see that I never held anyone accountable for their actions toward me because... well, that's just how people are, I thought. The least little emotional fluctuation on my part, or the wrong facial expression, and they could flip out and become dangerous, abusive, insulting. Also, I had been well-groomed to believe that it was my responsibility to always act in a way that never caused anyone to become upset. (This is still a huge problem for me.) I tried my best to be "good" but inevitably I would fail. My father would beat me, my brother would beat or otherwise abuse me, my mother would berate me, and always I was told, "Now look what you've made me do." It was always my fault whenever anyone lost control. So, after a while, I gave up completely. Understandably I became a sullen, confrontational teen who matured into a sullen, overly assertive young adult. Outwardly I never admitted to myself or anyone that I felt responsible for others' reactions; but inwardly, I can see that I still believed that whatever I got, it was my fault, whether I could see why or not.
(Nowadays I don't get assertive, I don't say what I want, I'm obsequious, I don't get angry but neither do I feel happiness.)
I was confused and in a lot of pain. At the age of 15, I had my first sexual experience with a non-family member, and I started medicating my feelings with drugs and alcohol.
More later.
Three roses, just wanted to pass on hugs :hug: and let you know I am sitting with you, sadly I don't have the right words today. Am always here for you though :hug:
ThreeRoses just want to give you my best wishes and support. I think you are doing great.
Three Roses,
That grooming and learned helplessness is all too familiar. I know it's not logical to feel responsible for the reactions or feelings of others... and yet I did, I still do.
It becomes engrained in us to take responsibility for things we didn't do. We take responsibility for things that simply are not our fault. It leads to a very confusing way to grow up indeed.
Hopefully we can sort through it together sweetie :hug: if it feels ok
Dear Elph, SharpAndBlunt, Deep Blue, thanks for your words, they help.
Hi Three Roses,
Just adding some more supportive words - standing with you - :grouphug:
Hope :)
sweetie, that lack of accountability by others for their actions really grinds my gears. blaming a child for what they did is so wrong on so many levels. i extrapolated that to making excuses for others for their bad behaviors, even when it had nothing to do with me. it's taken me years to work thru that 'look what you made me do' scenario. and even more to stop giving people excuses for acting like jerks.
yeah, yeah, yeah, we've all had problems from childhood, but it's what we choose to do in spite of those problems that shows our character. those adults who accused you of influencing their choices were just plain wrong. how long has it taken me to know that i absolutely can't do that, yet fall into that pit of 'maybe if i would've said or done this or that . . .'
agonizing over what i've written or said, not wanting to be anything but perfect - dang, it's wearing. i'm getting a bit better at letting that guilt/shame/blame go, but it's still there more often than i want to admit. just want you to know you're not alone in this struggle. fight it together, indeed, deep blue. sounds like a plan to me. love and hugs always, 3r.
Thanks, Hope and San. :hug:
I've taken a nose dive again. I'm really depressed and I feel tired all the time. Come January we'll have a bit more money so then I'll find a therapist again.
Everything feels bleak and pointless.
Hi Three Roses, :hug: to you, if that's ok. Good to hear you'll be finding at therapist for the new year - but in the meantime, I hope you'll have an ok day today and that you'll have some moments that feel less bleak and pointless.
Whatever you do today - I hope you are ok.
Hope :)
Three Roses,
I'm so sorry you are struggling. My mental health always seems up and down. Take good care while you are down and reach out if you need us :grouphug:
sending hugs and love to you, honey. these days suck, i know. i'm with you, we're all here for you. :grouphug:
:hug: :hug: :hug:
It's always tough, charting this unexplored territory.
Take it slow, be easy on yourself, and know that we always support you. Nothing lofty or bold, just human. And caring.
Oh, you guys. You beautiful, wonderful, understanding beings! Thank you for the support. I know you're each dealing with your own pain and so it's doubly precious to me that you've reached out to support me. "Thanks" doesn't cover it.
:hug: for you — know that you are cared for; may the bleakness pass soon. Enjoy your search for a stellar therapist! You deserve nothing less.
Today I feel like all the progress I've made has been erased. I want a divorce, I'm convinced my kids hate me, I feel on the verge of a gigantic blow up. I'm so so triggered. I spent my whole adult life (or so it seems today) denying my own feelings in order to help others deal with their own. I want to hide, I want to get in a car and drive far far away from everyone and disappear.
:hug: :hug: Sitting with you in all of that. I promise the progress you have made is not being erased, recovery is just nasty in the way it isn't linear. We go around in circles sometimes. I want you to know I am here and am sending you all the love and warmth I can
dang, i know this one, sistah. crapola all over the place. wish i could do more than send cyber hugs and love. do you think a stint on the porch may help? i'd love to just sit with you, if you like. chat or no, up to you. i'm already there, hot chocolate in hand. i'll share.
Quote from: Three Roses on October 30, 2018, 09:06:20 PM
Today I feel like all the progress I've made has been erased. I want a divorce, I'm convinced my kids hate me, I feel on the verge of a gigantic blow up. I'm so so triggered. I spent my whole adult life (or so it seems today) denying my own feelings in order to help others deal with their own. I want to hide, I want to get in a car and drive far far away from everyone and disappear.
:bighug: :bighug: It's great you reached out to us when you're feeling so bad. The progress you have made may be hiding away atm but it's not lost. Like the sun behind clouds on an overcast day - it'll be visible/tangible again.
Sounds like a huge EF to me. I know the feeling of being on the verge of a gigantic blow up. Doesn't feel good.
Idk, is it possible for you to lie low for a while and hope the worst of it blows over? Giving myself some time like that does help a bit, until I can get more professional help.
I agree with blueberry sweetie. It sounds like a pretty bad EF. I know that feeling of always taking care of others. Remember taking care of others is great.... BUT you need to take care of yourself first. :hug:
Thanks everyone. I know I'm in an EF and was trying to lay low and take care of myself when H came home and totally unloaded his feelings of frustration on me. It's his own crapola and he knew I had a bad headache for days. I know he's triggered too, and dealing with severe back pain, but damn it, why can't he take care of himself instead of dumping on me. And his self care is even worse than mine, he hadn't eaten all day and went and did errands with just coffee in his belly. I went in the spare bedroom and shut the door until I was calm. He has the emotional sensitivity of a rhino in heat.
The feelings that my children hate me are unrelated, and are due to the EF and my low self esteem.
:bighug: :bighug: Sorry for thinking you didn't know you were in an EF.
"emotional sensitivity of a rhino in heat" ;D :thumbup: for language creativity at a time like this!
I'm sorry your husband was so insensitive during your time of need. When 2 people are triggered at the same time it can really magnify the situation.
When my husband and I have been like that I try to distance myself a bit. I do some self care and usually excuse myself to go to bed early. I usually say I'm not feeling well (which is the truth). I notice that eventually the world slows down again and I feel my feet under me when I focus on the self care. Much love to you sweetie :hug: if it feel ok
so glad you're talking about this, 3roses, glad you're getting it out. take care of yourself as best you can, ok? i'm still wiped out, but wanted to send my support. :bighug: and love always.
Thank you, all. Your words of support and virtual hugs make a difference.
Woke just after 3am from a very very bad dream with a pounding headache so bad that I had to get up to sit on the couch; I couldn't lie flat. It's 8.30am now and the head still hurts but it's manageable. (By the way, is anyone else's time stamp for posts inaccurate or am I just the lucky one?)
H is keeping his distance. After thirty six years together, we know each other pretty well. His memory is truly horrible for reasons I won't go into, and always has been, so I am feeling more forgiving toward him than I did at three this morning.
I texted a couple of friends yesterday and they were also helpful. It's nice to have someone to vent to; maybe I should do it more often. I've got in the habit of keeping my feelings close to my chest, because I am tired of being made to feel wrong. I think I will work on giving voice to them more often.
We are happy to listen whenever you need to vent. Yes my time stamp has always been wrong on this site.
When I have that bad a headache I put a hot water bottle on my head
:hug: :hug:
Sorry about your headache, but I am glad you are feeling a little more forgiving than you were at 3am. It is great that you can vent some of this stuff, this is a perfect place for it. We all need to get this stuff out from time to time, or it just festers longer.
I hope you continue to feel better, and keep giving a voice to these things.
Love you always :hug:
Dear Three Roses - Sending you a very gentle hug, and hoping that your headache will stop soon, so you can have some rest. :hug:
Hope :)
if this has been a pos. experience for you, venting here, then i hope you'll do more of it. you so deserve to be listened to w/o judgment.
my time stamp got wonky about a week ago.
love and hugs, dearie.
The past couple of days have been great, started to come out of my shell and was feeling hopeful, positive. Have had drama in my little town that involved me peripherally and have gone back into said shell. Im feeling quiet again and language is not coming easily.
Three Roses said: "I'm feeling quiet again and language is not coming."
So many times words aren't adequate even if they do come. Then the silence takes over and can speak its own eloquence in language needing no explanation.
But I'll use some words for what I'm hearing -- that your heart is worth listening to and will support you with peace and hope. And beyond that ... we're all still here with you.
:hug:
:hug:
Sweet 3roses,
I don't think going back into your shell has to be a bad thing. Maybe it's just your way of protecting yourself from the drama in your town?
Be patient with yourself while you are at a loss for words. Sending you some clarity and support to help you fight the drama.
Quote from: sanmagic7 on November 01, 2018, 09:43:39 PM
if this has been a pos. experience for you, venting here, then i hope you'll do more of it. you so deserve to be listened to w/o judgment.
:yeahthat: :hug: :hug:
OK. I know I need to talk about this, but I'm not sure how. For one reason, I'm a visual thinker and sometimes it's next to impossible to translate the images of my thoughts and feelings into words. And when I'm in an EF, it's even more difficult.
I'm thankful for this forum that gives us a place to discuss our experiences without risk of being minimized or looked at like a freak.
I was reading someone's post the other day and what they wrote hit me right in the gut, my reaction was literally physical. They were talking about never being protected by their FOO.
Ugh. I'm frozen up again! I've been trying to post here in my journal about it for days now, but I can't get it out. I'm just so used to handling things internally, on my own. It's so hard to write about myself honestly. My heart is pounding and here comes the headache again. I'll have to come back to it.
take your time, sweetie. you already did a huge first step. when you're ready. love and hugs.
Quote from: sanmagic7 on November 06, 2018, 08:57:37 PM
take your time, sweetie. you already did a huge first step. when you're ready.
:yeahthat: I'm experienced at taking too large a step and then sending myself sprawling. Not a good thing. I'm sorry you were so badly triggered by my post. :hug:
It's ok :hug: the post will come when you feel more settled. It doesn't have to be today or even this week. We are here with you in the meantime :grouphug:
Thanks for your support, everyone! And BB, I wouldn't say I was triggered by your post. I just think it was time I looked at how neglected I really was - it's been coming for a while now - struggling up to the surface like someone waking from a coma. It's just very difficult for me to be honest with myself about my feelings, and then to express them outwardly.
I considered not posting at all, and then thought how many times I've been strengthened, encouraged, and motivated by posts that were almost deleted by the member. So, I let it stand.
Quote from: Three Roses on November 07, 2018, 02:46:26 AM
I considered not posting at all, and then thought how many times I've been strengthened, encouraged, and motivated by posts that were almost deleted by the member. So, I let it stand.
HI Three Roses,
I'm glad you let it stand, because it is part of you - and hearing you express yourself outwardly, shows great bravery and also strength. I am strengthened, encouraged and motivated by your posts, and by those of others too.
Sending you a warm and loving hug :hug: Three Roses.
Hope :)
Again, thanks everyone for your support. It means more to me coming from you guys, who all understand this *.
I think my hesitation comes from my Internal Manager (I should give all my parts names! 😀) who knows how much anger is seething beneath the surface. I expressed this anger when I was younger, but in completely dysfunctional and self destructive ways, and never really dealt with it. So it's all just lying there. The picture I get is of a rotten, stinking mass of sludge lying under a peaceful, grassy field. If you met me you wouldn't know how "off" I am - as I've said before, I've learned to hide it well.
My concern is that if I wait until I have therapeutic help it may disappear again. My anger has become palpable from time to time in the past, only to disappear again. Big sigh.
Three roses, like everyone else I am always so grateful when you share here. It is good to get this junk out among people that understand. Anger is really difficult, and I have certainly struggled my fair share with it as well. I think there are probably productive ways you can tap into it without waiting for that therapeutic relationship (although it may be prudent to look into that). For me journalling out my anger and then getting to tear it up, or burn it really helped. I was also physically stuck so getting to throw things, or hit/kick a pillow really helped that anger start to process and move through my body rather than being stuck kind of like the sludge you were describing. That is just my experience with it, and may not work for you but I wanted to throw that out there. :hug:
i echo what el said. small steps with anger release may be most helpful - do a little piece of it, see how it feels, take recovery time, etc. repeat when you're ready. this kind of thing has also helped me a lot. i've also broken things either that have come from a person i was angry with, or that reminded me of them. i've smacked pots and pans, whacked chairs with tupperware covers (the noise this kind of thing made was very satisfying - children should be seen and not heard, all that rot).
writing, without editing myself, and like el said, burn it or walk it out to the trash - get it out of your house and your presence. and, of course, my standby of pounding my bed, yelling, cursing - whatever comes up. it's all valid, will not hurt anyone, but gets the poison out of you.
i'm just glad you feel safe enough to begin sharing about this, about the real you. all that much underneath, well, i completely relate to. it's a total wonderment just how much is really there. beginning to consciously realize what happened to you can be painful, but, if the body keeps the score, i don't doubt those headaches are screaming for you what you aren't quite able to scream for yourself.
you are a darling, no matter what's going on below. take your time. the above were just what worked for me, not trying to put pressure on you. love and hugs, sweetie.
I guess my fear is that I'll crack whatever is holding the anger in, and it will burst. I'm afraid of what that will look like.
But I know it's not good for me to hold it in, and I've been aware for quite a while that my headaches are at least partially emotional in origin.
I get little flashes of what it looks like, and it's huge. There's a lot of it. Thanks for your suggestions, I'll try them out. :thumbup:
Hi Three Roses,
Away from everyone and disappear. Wouldn't that be nice.
A place where there is no-one to trigger or hurt you, no-one to judge you.
Bliss indeed.
I cant send petrol, but I am sending my thoughts of bliss your way.
Very anxious today. Letting hubby take care of housework due to visiting family. I think I'll color in my new app I downloaded to see if I can relax some.
I like your new pic. It's cool looking.
I'm sorry you are anxious. Any idea where it's coming from?
Thanks, I drew it using that new app.
I think my anxiety is coming from the anger I know I will have to let out ... Someday.
Quote from: Three Roses on November 09, 2018, 11:19:07 PM
Thanks, I drew it using that new app.
:cheer: :cheer: It looks really beautiful.
As for anger - I sure remember when it was festering away waiting to explode some day and me holding it in. I agree with san: small steps with anger release can help chip away at it, to keep it contained till you have a safe place for it. Therapy in January, right? Two months seems a loooong time to wait, but it will pass. :hug: :hug:
I have a better relationship with anger than some of my other emotions. Anger feels better to me than shame, sadness and fear. I still agree with you that it can be toxic to continually carry it with you.
Releasing the anger is a great idea, but don't forget self care is a positive way to let some of it melt away as well. Love ya darling :hug: if it feels safe
i think the more you're talking about your anger, the closer you're getting to letting it out. keep up the good work. it'll happen when you're ready.
love your pic. love and hugs always.
Yesterday was the anniversary of my mother's death and I find that I'm grieving her afresh today. I see the many sacrifices she made for her children - the shabby shoes, outdated clothing, cheap haircuts, so there would be more for us. Most of all she gave up her music, which was dear to her soul and for which I'm sure she paid a high price.
Still, the thing I wanted most from her was emotional connection, a relationship based on honesty and mutual love and respect. That, she did not know how to give me, and so today I weep for us both.
:hug: :bighug: :hug:
Sending lots of love today, Three Roses. Let me know if there is anything you need at all
Dear Three Roses, I would also like to send you love today - and a gentle hug of compassion and support :hug: Where's that lovely big and gentle hug :bighug: that's the one I wanted to send to you.
Hope :)
:hug: :bighug: :bighug:
I'm sorry for what you didn't get as a child. IMO that's just as important as food and water. Take care and I'm sending you hugs too.
:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:
Sending hugs, but beyond that a wish for deep peace within to soothe your feelings as you grieve the ache in your heart. :hug:
Thank you for being you, even when it all feels so lost.
Thanks, everyone :grouphug:
sorry i didn't get to this sooner, 3r, but i join the others in saying that it's just too bad it went down like that. your grieving for you both made total sense to me. i'm glad you were able to include yourself. love and a hug filled with caring, peace, and compassion. :grouphug:
Just sending you another hug, Three Roses :hug:
Hope :)
It's a beautiful day today, the sun is out and the sky is blue, the air is briskly cold and the dew is frozen on the grass. I feel refreshed and awake.
My SIL arrived here a week and a half ago, as she was staying in a furnished place where there were fires. She threw her most important belongings in her truck and got out in time, but the place she was staying in burned to the ground. Having no place else to go she asked to come here. We haven't historically been close and in fact there was a lot of friction between us. But I think I finally understand her. Knowing more about cptsd allows me to see the symptoms in others and I'm pretty sure she has it. I'm working on forgiving myself for the EFs I have, and that allows me to also extend forgiveness and understanding to others when they are upset. I think our relationship is healed. Huzzah! :cheer:
The day she got here, my BIL also arrived for a visit on his way further south for a vacation. Our little house was crowded! SIL left Sunday and BIL left this morning.
Today feels peaceful and calm.
That sounds amazing 3R,
I like how in forgiving yourself you are learning to extend that to others as well IRL.
I say IRL because you always give me an ear, sympathy and understanding so it's not new to us :bigwink:
This is great to hear Three Roses! Thank you for sharing :hug: It all sounds like huge progress :cheer: :cheer:
Thanks! :grouphug:
that sounds fabulous, 3r. i echo db in that forgiveness/sympathy/compassion stuff. it's amazing to me how we can transfer what we are able to do for ourselves in a pos. way to others. you've worked hard to reach this point. sounds like it's paying dividends.
glad your sil was able to get out in time, too. love and hugs, sweetie.
Quote from: Three Roses on November 20, 2018, 07:21:43 PM
I'm working on forgiving myself for the EFs I have, and that allows me to also extend forgiveness and understanding to others when they are upset. I think our relationship is healed. Huzzah! :cheer:
Hi Three Roses,
:cheer: for everything you wrote - and I am glad you have had this outcome - it is heart-warming to hear. :hug:
Hope :)
Thanks, San and Hope! :grouphug:
***
Today I'm thinking about how calm and peaceful it is here. We had a quiet Thanksgiving, just H, our two sons, and me. The food was delicious, H did the cooking and I tackled the clean up. Yesterday there was more cleaning, just housework, and today we're resting quietly.
In typical cptsd fashion, what do I see creeping up on the horizon but worry! Argh. What will the next loop of this journey be? I feel it waiting in the wings.
I know one thing for sure - I have wasted a lot of time thinking about others and giving them space in my head. What do they think, how do they perceive me? And, I'm embarrassed to admit, I've sometimes felt like I had something to teach others. Now I know I have a lot to share, and a lot of personal insight. Sometimes if someone asks, and if I share, they may get something out of it. That's not what I'm talking about here. I mean in the past, I've been a bit of a know it all. This was a defense mechanism, one way to keep myself safe and part of feeling like I had to manage others around me. I'm refocusing on learning from others when I can, and less on what I can say. More input, less output. ;)
So I'm committing (again! :whistling:) to focusing on the only person I can change - me - and on being a blessing wherever I'm invited. I'm committing to sending out eviction notices to all the unhealthy voices and all the opportunistic tenants I've mistakenly allowed to remain in my thoughts. The focus is on me if I want change in my life.
i love those kinds of eviction notices, sweetie. really cool.
i've done the know-it-all route - still do at times. i heard this a while ago, and want to make an effort to remember it more often - you can't learn anything when you're talking. actually, i can't say it's always true. often, by sharing, i do learn something, like i'm hearing it thru another person or i get a new perspective when i see it in black and white.
so, i think it can go both ways. often i've had 'aha' moments when writing to someone else on the forum. it can be tricky. i think it makes a difference where my intent and focus are. our minds can play tricks on us when we're least expecting it.
but, i love your new attitude, 3r. you go, girl. see, just by writing what you wrote got me thinking about me and what i've often done. you made a difference for me. thank you for sharing. love and hugs.
:cheer: thanks San!
Sounds like two huge steps in a short while! :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: You go, girl!
Thanks, BB!
***
Well, didn't I just call THAT one! H is moody, sulking. I tell myself it has nothing to do with me. If he has an issue he has a voice, let him use it. I was indoctrinated into taking care of moody men from before I could speak, it's a tough habit to break. But I'm not going to try anymore to try and control the outcome of situations, and I'm not going to try to manage people's moods for them just to feel safe.
good for you, sweet 3r. it really can be tough to change these patterns we're so used to doing automatically, but it sounds like your mindfulness is taking over and you're accomplishing your goal. way to go. :applause:
It's very difficult not to react in the same learnt behaviours automatically so
Well done indeed :cheer:
Good job writing that down 3R! Now you can look at it and use it as a reminder to put the things that you CAN control first :hug:
Quote from: Wattlebird on November 25, 2018, 01:18:48 PM
It's very difficult not to react in the same learnt behaviours automatically so
Well done indeed :cheer:
:yeahthat:
Wow 3R! You're working hard and it's showing :cheer: :cheer: :hug:
:cheer:
Brave and important desicion that you've made there, Three Roses! Your H most certainly has a voice he can use if he is upset about something. You shouldn't have to walk around on eggshells because he's in a mood. :hug: , if that is okay?
Three Roses if it is ok I would like to send you a big hug too :hug:
To thank you for sharing and for encouragement.
:thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup:
Hugs are always welcome!
Something I've wanted to say for a while - I know they're just emojis, but for me emojis replace the missing facial expressions and body language that's missing in online communication. That's why I use them so much - I think they help flesh out what I'm trying to get across. :grouphug:
:bighug:
Hi Three Roses, I love that you use emojis - and I really like your new Octopus picture too - next to your name. :hug: to you.
Hope :)
Thank you, Hope :hug: back to you!
I also like your octopus! Did you know they have 3 hearts? ❤️❤️❤️
Yes! They are the weirdest! Very smart, too.
Smart like you - I didn't realise they had so many hearts. :)
Hope :)
Awww 😍Hope :hug:
Today there is drama of the alcoholic type in my family. Actually the entire weekend was full of it. I'm so proud of myself tho, I'm not getting dragged into it, I don't feel the chaos, I don't feel responsible, I don't feel sorry for them, I'm not crushed, burdened, or frantic. Progress! :cheer: Yay, me! :cheer:
Good job not letting the drama bring you down :cheer:
yay you is right! :cheer: :applause: well done! :thumbup:
i'll remember to use more emoji's for you. i haven't been big on them, don't know exactly why (i like words, i guess), but i totally see your point.
:woohoo: that's what i think of you being able to stay detached from the alc. nonsense. it certainly can be difficult not to get involved, but i believe it's much better for us when we don't.
keep up the good work, 3r. much progress, indeed! love and :hug: :hug: :hug:
Quote from: Three Roses on December 04, 2018, 08:47:27 PM
Today there is drama of the alcoholic type in my family. Actually the entire weekend was full of it. I'm so proud of myself tho, I'm not getting dragged into it, I don't feel the chaos, I don't feel responsible, I don't feel sorry for them, I'm not crushed, burdened, or frantic. Progress! :cheer: Yay, me! :cheer:
:cheer: :cheer: :cheer: :applause: :applause: :applause: on your progress!! :yourock: :woohoo:
:cheer: :cheer: :cheer: :applause: :applause: :applause: on your progress!! :yourock: :woohoo:
[/quote]
:yeahthat:
Hope :)
Thanks, everybody :grouphug:
🥀🥀🥀
Since I started this journal, I've wanted to write here about the abuses that have left me with these symptoms, challenges, whatever you want to call them. That's why I named it "How do I say this" because it is so difficult to talk/write about.
I just can't put the words down. Things come to mind, details, words to express how I'm feeling, what was done, and when I pick up a pen or my tablet to write here, I'm left with a huge blank, black, empty spot where all those words just were.
Frustrating.
I can only assume and trust it only means the time is just not right - either that or one of my Inner Others just doesn't want to talk about it. Ever.
I'm left with the chirping of crickets in my head in place of everything I want to say.
It's ok 3roses,
When the time comes, you will be able to say exactly what you need to say. We are with you the whole time. :grouphug:
Quote from: Three Roses on December 09, 2018, 06:51:07 PM
I just can't put the words down. Things come to mind, details, words to express how I'm feeling, what was done, and when I pick up a pen or my tablet to write here, I'm left with a huge blank, black, empty spot where all those words just were.
:hug: :hug:
I think it'll come when you're ready. The way you describe is almost the same as it was for me when I wanted to write Letters of Recovery directed at FOO mbrs on here. Further back it was similar for memories too. If Ts or docs prodded too much and wanted to know things I couldn't say, i'd start screaming internally and eventually out loud or dissociating. The mind-blanks are presumably a protection.
Sitting with you. :grouphug:
I think I am at the same stage as you. Knowing that I have to get it out in order to continue healing, but the words don't come. It's either big blank thing or it's an overwhelmingly amount of shame.
I hope the others are right, that when you are ready, the words will come.
i, too, believe it will happen when you're ready.
have you ever tried writing even one of those words with your non-dominant hand? like on a piece of paper, maybe with a crayon or marker? sometimes that can help unblock, if that's what you're looking to do.
otherwise, not to worry. our minds are beautiful at protecting us, as well as letting us know when it's time. we're here for you, sweetie. :bighug: lots of love.
Hi Three Roses,
Sending you a warm hug, :hug: - like you have often said to others here, go at your own pace, and don't rush things. Sensible suggestions - and I feel sure things will unblock when the time is right, and when you can cope with those things. Sending you a hug of support :grouphug:
Hope :)
Hi Three Roses,
I'm just popping by to wish you the best for Christmas - I will hope to be around - but incase I'm not - I didn't want to miss wishing you a Happy Christmas. :hug:
Hope :)
Awww thank you Hope! A merry Christmas to you and yours ❤️🎄🎁🎅
Merry Christmas 3 Roses
I really hope the coming new year brings each of us more healing and happiness. Love you all!
right back atcha, sweetie. :hug: :hug: :hug:
:hug: to you too Three Roses! Merry Christmas and a happy new year
Thanks 3r I hope u have a great new year as well :yes:
Love to you, Three Roses - and sending you a heartfelt hug :hug:
Hope :)
Thank you for all the hugs and support this year, Three Roses.
I wish you a good night today, and I wish you all the best for 2019! :hug:
Let me add my best wishes too, Three Roses :grouphug:
Hi Three Roses,
The article you shared about the ups and downs of trauma - I can't remember the title, but it was really helpful, and I just wanted to thank you :hug: for sharing it.
Hope :)
You're very welcome, Hope :hug:
(Why The Journey Through Trauma Is A Winding Path, https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=11464.0;topicseen)
:hug: