Healing journal (tw) Angering / strong emotions

[Hope67]

 

[Chart]

SH, yeah I think I identify. Preverbal is... "clunky"? Thing is, for me, nearly everything that messed me up happened before age four... well at least the worst was past. (Fusional and devouring mother was nonetheless mitigated by quick introduction of very decent adoptive papa...) So the story became: "You don't remember all the violence, so you got off easy..."
I've come to realize that my inception probably triggered the violence (in that trash heap who can in no way be called a father. No gory details, but what I want to say is that preverbal has been everything for me. Real memories are ultra rare. But going back to that little boy usually brings tears. I open to them more every time, every day, every morning. It's my only avenue. I've got "body clues" too. There's a huge difference between right and left, literally, physically. I'm trying to hear a deafening silence (sorry for the overused metaphor :-)
Gotta get to sleep. Thinkin of ya. Hang tough. And lots of hugs.

[StartingHealing]

Thank you Hope. Here is one back for you 

[StartingHealing]

Chart,

I hope you had a good rest.  I didn't but that's OK.  Usually don't when I have a tipple or two. I'm hanging in there.  Thank you for the hugs. 

Clunky is a pretty accurate description.  Big blocks of tangled jangled swirling emotions.  I feel you about the "story" aspects.  The one that was fed to me was the basic propaganda + mental ish from the person in the role of mother.  The whole "She (bio-mother) loved you so much that she gave you up. Aren't you glad that we (meaning her) got you? and then a whole made up scenario of a young unmarried couple from a different state yada yada yada. There for a while I thought that the unmarried couple from out of state was fed to her by a social worker, or attorney, now I'm not so sure of that. And the emphasis on "unmarried" like somehow I'd have been (_______) kid if they had been married? Like having the state involved makes the children "better" somehow.  Course back then being illegitimate was a thing when now it's like meh.  The baby book that she had going for a while .. she wrote down that when I was placed with the family I was already walking yet she changed the story around to one where I wasn't walking yet. She'd tell that story about how I wasn't walking to me on the regular. Soooo yeah. Gaslighting herself?  Or when I would ask about where I came from and the "joke" was that she found me in a cabbage patch, or that I was hatched, or some other BS thing, totally dismissing it, and me. She did that a lot.  As a youngling you accept because if you don't then how are you going to survive?

IDK about age and memory. Somewhere I read something about different types of memory that us humans have.  There is a reason why adopted folks like me are over represented in the prison population for capital crimes, anti-social actions, mental health / personality disorders, substance abuse, self-deletions, As the sapling is bent you know?  My Dad was the saving grace for me. Even with him, lordy it was hard. So hard that words fail to express it.  That emotional distress, the mix of hurt, loss, anger, grief, split loyalty, joy, love, feelings of betrayal, pretending to be like them in defiance of my own genetics,  all the while biology is pushing the grow button.

There would be times where it all got to a point where it would have to come out. I'd have hours long crying jags and Dad, he didn't know what to do, and his spouse, well she took it as an affront to her as a parent I guess. That was a thing with her.  She saw everything as a reflection on her.   So I'd be out somewhere on the farm away from every human, usually hugging on a doggo, ugly crying until I physically couldn't.  Mr. Spock from the OG series was someone I really looked up to. Or to be a machine of some sort that had no feelings, no emotions. Just running programs fed into it that fit others unspoken expectations.

I savvy. Bio-mom family dynamic .. shudder.  Oh mercy not good at all.  All from the person in the role of father.  Lots of mental / emotional abuse and I suspect physical as well and maybe SA, along with an active alcohol addiction. 

I reckon I'm learning on the how to allow preverbal.  The last few days, been having this feeling of seeking "home".  In all of the multi-layered meanings of home. IMO as a wee one, home is mother, then that grows to the other adult, and then to sibs, and then to the people / location.  Even with the knowing of the genetic connection to my ancestors, and being a member of a native Nation, I've lived in the general location I currently reside in for .. next year will be a full decade, and yet at the moment, it's not 'home'.  Don't rightly know where 'home' is.  Figure I'll have to go find it in one way or another.

Writing this led to a spontaneous expression of emotions.  yeah, tears that are so hot that they feel like they are burning your eyelids level + ugly cry.  Feeling much better now.

Silence. That is a tough thing.  Very tough. 

Wishing you all the best.

[Chart]

SH, geez, reading your post was like going into a church, the bell chiming every four sentences (not religious but love churches for the cool silence). So much to touch on, but tears, yeah tears. I so appreciate that cathartic step I trip over at least once per day (9 times per week?) The picture you paint puts me back in so many places... my grandpa's acting disgusted because I was terrified and screaming at the site of visiting an enormous submarine museum in a Chesapeake dock somewhere... The photos of my naked parents (taken by my sister) half-hidden by the ferns of West Virginia... My autistic stepdad forcing himself to tears because my mom demanded it. Little things... often big, but always grossly blurred by dysfunction and horrible angst... when to flee was a choice between horrible suffering or death. I scratch my head raw these days wondering just how messed up a species we really are. Any vacancies in that Tibetan monastery?

The positive for me at the moment is body work. Slow but lead-solid body work. Not much, but I'm daily faithful. Finally got a routine that works for me and I'm stickin to it. Heck it got so bad I HAD to stop the ipa's. I'm cold for two years now. Less and less words for the family. Fled to France to escape. Honestly, the smartest thing I ever did. One last kid to put into rights, (not too messed up) and I'm really free. I'm probably not even going to my mom's funeral. Maybe you could call it revenge... but f- it all, you can only get urinated on so many times before just the thought of looking back makes you want to retch. AND!!! AND! How to stay positive? How to live now!? I chatted with SenseOrgan about that too... I wanna live, and travel and love. Got plenty of wandering left in me. Never been to Belgium... wanna go! Gotta survive. Gotta stay positive (as much as possible). Gotta live. Gonna make it happen. One teardrop at a time.
Love ya right back. We all need copilots on this trauma-train.

[StartingHealing]

Hi Chart 

With me it depends on the church.  Some places of worship are wonderfully full of peace, that silence that is warm and welcoming.  Silence is f-ing odd as h-ll.  Some is great (like places of worship) some hurts, (like the silence after my doggo went over the rainbow bridge) Some is healing.  Some is a echo chamber of the monkey mind.  Yet just because I can't hear something physically doesn't mean that it's silence.  It only means that my sense of hearing isn't sharp enough to pick up the sound waves or that the filter between sub-conscious and conscious in my thinking meat has decided that it's not important. 

Submarine museum?  If that place had actual subs that were used in conflicts, you could have been picking up on the emotional energy impressed into the steel of the subs.  Being in a sub is not a normal thing for humans to begin with and then add in the possibility of sudden death.. That is some next level energy.
 I know that according to current so called science that is hogwash and yet people react to battlefields / instruments of war on the regular.  Personal example.  Along one of the state highways I'd travel to go grocery shopping a decade plus or so ago now, there was a span of about 2 miles where I'd physically react.  I'd get nervous, twitchy, sad mixed with anger and grief. After I traveled beyond a certain point, I was back to the "normal" of before.   I had shrugged it off for a while then come to find out that the highway skirted the edge of a civil war battlefield. From the highway there was no physical sign, no signs on a post, no indicators at all. I know because one time I stopped on the side of the road and used binoculars to scan the terrain.  The battle wasn't "large" in that only some 500-1000 ish men died there.  A mix from both sides. Folks that would walk it would find musket calls peeking out of the ground vegetation, metal buttons, eyelets for shoes etc. The phrase "the earth remembers" comes to mind.  I also think that is why cities are really chaotic in how they "feel".  Same with hospitals.  Or depending on the theory, there might be folks stuck in a type of limbo and they can not fully get to the other side. Which a lot of evidence collected by ghost hunters seems to suggest. 

I'm of the opinion that us humans do pick up on "energy" because it was a survival feature when we were not at the top of the food chain.  Like deer.  Talk to any regular deer hunter. The deer "know" somehow that you are hunting them. They pick up on intent for lack of a better term.   Your grandpa wasn't picking up on what you were.  That's something I've had to deal with as well.  I'd "know" things (my intuition) or act in certain ways to avoid certain people, places, things, as I was growing up.  Just like there are times you just know with 0 doubt that the a--hat that is talking to you is not a good person for you to be talking with.  Where does that knowing come from? Where does that feeling of getting the willies when picking up a a used coffee cup at a yard sale come from? I honestly believe that there is a type of imprinting on things, locations, etc. 

 I have learned the hard way that if I ignore my spidey sense (intuition), I pay for it.  I'm finally realizing that the imprinting? propaganda? I received as a child with the xtain dogma that being a energy sensitive, being hooked into intuition, being able to perceive / sense things, beings, that others didn't, was eeeevvvviiiillll and somehow against the will of God, was all bu--sh-t.  Had nothing to do with God, angels / demons and everything to do with control in this case dogma wrapped up in a xtain wrapper.
On the family dynamic side gotta force that boy into the box of what was believed to be true, not actually true just believed to be true.  Like all the rules, laws, procedures, regulations, etc.  It's all about control and how to extract as much as possible from what should be free range humans. Whether financially, in time, or emotionally / mentally.  ( I admit I did do a deep dive into the rise of the consumer economy after WW2.  holy 5h-t talk about hard core propaganda for profit. Another interesting deep dive was the propaganda to get women to smoke cigarettes that happened in the early 1900's) 

 As far as a species goes.. depends on which point of view you take.  In some ways, I mean look at the tech that allows you and me to communicate across how many thousands of miles of distance on separate Continents?  The infrastructure that allows for hundreds of miles of traveling in a day by a personal vehicle?  Let alone air travel. Moving pictures for entertainment. Recording of music or speech that can be stored and accessed later.  Books / computer storage that allow the information to be accessed years, decades later.  There's some really cool stuff now. Like everything it's a two edged sword.  There are detriments to all this tech as well. 

 The other view is that somehow we have came to believe that we exist outside the system that gave rise to us.  That everything can be reducible down to the nth degree and that can explain the behavior of exceptionally sophisticated complexity.  That there is always only one direction of causality and that if it cannot be measured that it doesn't exist. Along with the idea that humans = bad. Another type of control.  Which to me is the most damaging of all. Along with the idea that humans are here on Earth by chance and chance alone.  Totally missing the fact that maybe the Earth wanted to people.  If the science is to be believed then humans that match us now, today, were around all the way back to 250 to 300 thousand years ago. Yeah. Mind blown. Many a rabbit hole to go down with that chunk of info.

That there are levels to reality that our 5 physical senses cannot access unless we are in a different stage of consciousness.   Just look at the evidence that ghost hunters have gathered.  Or pets that travel hundreds of miles to get to their human across land that they never have visited before.  Déjà vu, taking a different route than you planned at the last minute and find out later you avoided certain death. NDE, OBE, Remote viewing, Pets reacting when their people leave work,  etc. Energy healing, praying for others, all this works! It's all real. Yet this information is treated as if it doesn't exist because some f-er has some paper hanging on a wall and is a "expert".  And it doesn't fall in line with the clockwork universe paradigm. Which is another form of control. 

All these imposed control systems damage people in my opinion. Which then damage the next generation and then the next generation. And that's without any "personality disorders / abusive situations"  What I see out there is the fall-out as far back as when the "church" converted native peoples to that belief system at the point of a sword or even farther back.  There are many ways to build an empire. And if you traumatize folks enough that trauma gets carried forward in that genetic line. And if along the way you can break down the social nature of humans, make them feel like their life is meaningless, a singularity, a replaceable carbon based revenue unit, on one hand and then on the other hand provide a created group that will accept them as long as they behave in the "proper" manner.. welcome to the desert of the now.

 I could be wrong in this however I think that what we are experiencing now in the west is the result of not only toxins in the environment but also the conclusion of all these control systems finally getting to their end stage. 

Chart, I believe that we have a power within to create a space in our environs that has the same effect as a Tibetan monastery.  Meditation is a spiritual practice that has some really good physical benefits besides shutting down the monkey mind. The mantras also have a positive effect. We do listen to ourselves speak all the time. That's why affirmations that are believable are so powerful.  Did you know that most spices used now were used in the past to affect the energy in a space or to alter consciousness to allow access to the spiritual realms?  Sage when smudged clears 98% of all air born virus and bacteria for up to 3 days and clears negative energy. Rosemary does the same thing.  Sweetgrass smudged triggers the endoctrin system via the olfactory nerves stimulating oxytocin production and creates positive energy in that space. Having a celebration and doing a stomp dance on the bare / grass covered ground or having deep bass drumming stimulates the fungal (mushrooms) networks in the soil causing them to become more active and deliver more nutrients to the plants in the area. By having a party, it helps get more food to have a party for?  Nutmeg in large enough amounts acts as a intoxicant and in commonly eaten amounts helps the liver heal besides smelling good.  Black pepper is an antioxidant and helps in the uptake of beta-carotine.  Peppers like the jalapeno, are pest deterrents and reduces blood pressure when eaten and they retain the majority of all nutrients when dried.  As a friend that used to be in intelligence said to me once " having something happen once is a coincidence, twice is a pattern "  This is also an example that like most things that are truly spiritual in nature, there are effects on top of effects on top of effects. EG small input -> Yuge output

I feel you with the getting clear of toxic people. Whether they are blood or not. Toxic is toxic and it seems to me that the ones that yell the loudest about "family should stay together" are the ones that are most toxic. Maybe if they weren't such toxic people, others might want to be around them, you know?  Same pattern as the former spouse. Fuss and fume about family and how important they are and then sh-ts all over 'em.  Friends as well.  The longest friendship she had to my knowing was 20 some years and that was all due to maybe twice a year contact.

 For me when I get to a point where I'm indifferent, where it becomes that they were a person that I used to know, then I know I'm free of that person.  If they live, die, get sick, whatever and I don't care, I've exorcised their emotional hooks from me.  If that makes any sense. Like when I found out that a-mom passed.  Even if I would have been able to go to the funeral and all that, I wouldn't have gone.  Some may see that as selfish. For me though it was the 51% rule, gotta prioritize my own health and wellness over family drama / trauma.

You know, I'm a touch jelly that you are able to travel even if it only in France for the moment.  You lucky bugger you! :-) I love exploring. The idea of going to some location and it's a different culture with different people, seeing amazing things with my own eyeballs, is really attractive to me.  I used to fill the tank on my motorcycle, pick a direction and either stay in that general direction till 1/2 tank or peel off on a connecting road and go till 1/2 tank and then return.  I don't see you relocating to France as fleeing.  It was a stratigic relocation for your improved health and wellness. I'm looking at doing a relocation in the future as well. As I've been digging into the benefits / responsibilities of being a member of a Native Nation.. To maximize the benefits is looking like a move will be in order. The wages are the same there as where I am and overall it's less expensive to live there than where I currently am. Is that fleeing? Or is it going to a healthier place for me?  It has more water in lakes and streams, not to much soil amending needed for killer gardening that won't need much irrigation because of the rainfall, lots of positives and at the same time, I just know that there will be some negatives as well.  That's just how it seems to work in this realm. You know maybe you could pop a long weekend trip to Belgium just to eyeball it a little?

 Is a good thing that you are finding results with the body work.  Me, I'm muddling through.  A bit of body work here and there.  EFT (tapping) for me is helpful especially when the ghosts of memories past pop up. I've also found out that EFT can also be used to help positive statements stick.  Saying out loud what I am thankful for AM and PM helps as well.  Keeps me on my square. It's such that now if I don't, I just don't feel right. 

Chart my friend, I have every confidence in that you will travel, you are seeing amazing things with your own eyeballs, you are having wonderful experiences which if you think about it, when you first got to France, and now what is common place to you? chuckle.  I'm right there with you in the wanting to live.  I want to be in this realm.  I want to see and experience all the wonderful that's available while understanding that there will be some not good at the same time. I don't know what good is coming my way, but I am excited to see it!  The best of luck to you in finding love.  Me? I'll take some more folks that aren't blood but they be family.  You know?     

Indeed, clearing out all the old sh-te emotionally is definitely worth it.  I wish you all the best on your path my friend.  Godspeed

[StartingHealing]

June 8 2025

Interesting. Without getting to deep in the weeds, seems to be that when I stop holding on to ____________ and accept that there might be a negative outcome then things in this realm move with great rapidity resulting in, (at least in this case) a fairly rapid change in circumstances as far as what has been communicated to me.

Have been feeling the need that having a space where it's just me.  Well, person in role of step son, the bugger is 39 - 40, his behavior in many ways is an echo of his mother (yeah the bpd former spouse) in other words, he's got a lot of his momma in him. In general, he puts himself out there as a victim. yes, the cards that he got dealt, not the best but definitely not the worst either.  Annndddd he will do crap that keeps himself in that position. 

This is the joker that I co-signed a car loan for.  Yeah.  Anyway, as soon as I accepted that more than likely he's gonna default on the car note and get it "recovered" then he starts talking about a gal he met online, yada yada yada, he is currently out in that state, having eyes and boots on the ground, which I do give him credit for, and got a call yesterday that he has found employment out there, and that he's coming back with gal in tow on or before the 10th is when gonna be back, to get his crap packed, sold, thrown away or whatever to fully move to the property that the gal has, and basically set up house with her.  There's a lot of hope and pray in his planning, supposedly the gal has to be back no later than July 2. 

I wish him all the best.  With him not being around, the quiet is a good thing.  Ever notice that some people are just "loud"? even when they aren't saying anything?  Like the presence it's self.. Aura? something.. loud and does grate generally speaking.  Hm, could be that because I'm more finely wired as it were to pick up on energy.. and his "juice" is all jangled, sharp, that would make sense.

Anyhoo, I've got some important / valuable items to get boxed so I can stash the stuff at work. Well, PII, birth cert, some precious metals, 35mm film cameras, and need to make sure that all my data is backed up on external drives which are gonna get stashed at work as well.  Thing is, need to have things look like nothing has changed but certain things are no longer in that space.

Wishing all the brave souls here all the best.

[StartingHealing]

June 11 2025

Well now. 

The worm turns.  I'm not certain concerning the truth of the situation that the person in the role of step-son fed me yesterday.  The result is that he and gf packed up the vehicle with certain personal items and they left this morning heading back to the other state. 

At the current moment it appears to me that he's not going to be returning for the rest of his crap.  Sigh.  Typical pattern from his mother. As the old saying goes "He's got a lot of his momma in him."

 I'll be surprised if he does return to collect his stuff.  However, the quiet is wonderful.  I may have mentioned this before, and it's a allegory to explain energy.  He could be dead out asleep, not snoring, and yet it was "loud". 

Supposedly, the stated plan is that in a couple months (really interesting on how firm the date is) he will return to handle the rest of his junk.  Yeah  There are certain things that I can do tho.. I will take those actions and consolidate all of his stuff into the room he was using as a bedroom. 

Anyway, need to turn my attention to other things.

Wishing all here, all the best

[StartingHealing]

Wow Friday the 13th 2025

Was a very bad day for the Templars back in 1307.  Isn't odd how an event some 700+ years ago has turned into this "thing"?  Makes a body wonder about many things. 

Anyway, got motivated this AM to start working on all the sh-te left behind from the step-son.  I realize that a lot of his behavior is trauma based and at the same time.. totally irks the snot out of me.  Dirty dishes / silverware that were buried under various "gamer" debris.  He drinks diet soda and like empty soda cases -n- cans piled in a corner.  Other bits and bobs of "gamer" .. IDK what you would call it, like 1/2 empty hard plastic clam-shell things of micro dice, various cards and card sleeves from pokemon, magic the gathering, yada yada yada, I totally get having a hobby, or 5, and yet..(insert cuss phrase here).  And going through his "food" he left in the fridge, sauces that he bought and used like once and sat there until way past best by date.   

I am not the most organized person ever. There are times where dishes will be in the sink, or the clean clothes remain in a laundry basket for a while. The shelves behind what I'm using for a desk has bits and bobs of small tools that are electronics related, fountain pen friendly paper, phototog stuff, computer stuff, it's all stuff that I use on the regular.  Where working on getting his crapola packed just off a one of those folding tables that he was using for a desk.. fast food napkins, straws, usb sticks / cables it's like What the ____!?!?   In many ways it reminds me of the former spouse where she would have storage containers inside storage containers inside storage containers inside storage containers, so the external visually was organized, while popping the top of a outer most storage container showed the chaos inside, and the step son .. did? allowed? created? the chaos. 

This also caused me to realize that the person in the role of mother in the family I was placed in as an adopted, she was a hoarder, which is also a sign of trauma.  And the step son in a way is also a hoarder.  The visual chaos created, the crap I grew up in.. Imagine being ashamed to have school friends over because of the piles and piles of sh-t that were being saved because of "it might be useful some day" meanwhile ragging on my backside about maintaining the "good standing" of the family in the small town.  Like really?  (Insert another cuss phrase here that is longer and more colorful than the first one)

I understand about "prepping" I mean I have been through some events you know? food, water, tools, equipment, etc in the event of ______.  But what the person in the role of mother didn't.  It was some sort of something.. Empty plastic milk jugs, newsprint, magazines, clothes much much too small, stubs of crayons, dishes and more dishes, enough pots and pans for a decent sized commercial kitchen,  and canned foods, like no rotation at all, so the condensed soup in the back would be 4,5,6, years out of date, the freezer was the same way, and it was cruft and more cruft and more cruft.  Seriously, there were paths a person had to follow to get to other places in the house.  And then she'd kvetch about mice, silverfish, crickets and such.   Yeah. 

Sigh.  It's not like there wasn't any usable stuff gathered up by the person in the role of mother, it's that the useful stuff, fabric, small kitchen appliances, artist supplies, musical instruments, sewing machines, were used as the excuse for all the other hoarding.  And the "stuff" that was going to be flipped for $$ never was. 
 

The city trash bin is about loaded.  I'm attempting to get as much trash in it as possible before the truck comes for pickup. 

Is irksome you know?   Is good that the awareness of these patterns is happening in my thinking meat.  Does make me consider my own actions and the motivations behind them.

I do have keepsakes.  Not many actually.  I do have physical photo's, I have kept a certain selection of art that my daughter has done over the years, I still have mechanic hand tools that came from my Dad that I still use on occasion, have been going through the digital archives and deleting things.  I mean I don't think I need a resume from 1998.  Nor do I need any images of the former spouse.  I realize that it wasn't 100% bad.  It's that the sight triggers an reaction that isn't conducive to my emotional equanimity.  Especially when I realized some time ago that while my emotions towards her were legit and real, the person that she presented to me was a total fiction out the gate.  I do have a digital archive of all the divorce crapola.  Including all the evidence which includes images of her.  That's put up and is the storage medias are not being used on the regular. 

Need to get back after it.

Wishing all the brave souls here.  All the best