Healing journal (tw) Angering / strong emotions

[NarcKiddo]

Just catching up with your journal. I am very sorry for your loss. I am also sorry you are navigating all the inevitable mess of emotions at such a time plus the additional messes imposed by CPTSD and all that jazz.

 

[StartingHealing]

10/17/25

Thank you NarcKiddo.

Positive stuff and other not so much since the last post of mine. going to attempt to keep it as succinct as possible.  Could be a high bar I've set for myself.  { small attempt at some levity }

As far as I've been able to determine the estate for the sister that has passed has been settled.  don't know what the final deposition of anything is as far as having 100% certainty about it.  There were conversations and I held to the thing of it's "stuff"  yes I would like to have a memento or two, at the same time, I'm so over the BS of the toxicity spewed by toxic people .. I like my peace and F y'all that are trying to F that up for me.  Besides that what level of disrespect for the dead?!?! Last wishes / will and all that.  Yeesh  Will have to see how that plays out.

Yeah, the more I ponder on it, the more I'm certain that the physical frame will go in a hole, with or without a pine box, and a red oak is going to be planted over it. Allow nature to do what it does and feed the cycle of life.  Not that it would be a forever protected thing.  At the same time though, since I'm a member of a Native Nation now, and if this happens on tribal overseen land, then that resting place would become protected as a burial site.  Course in a generation or less the who I am will be forgotten to the passage of time.  It is what it is I reckon.  Maybe make that a condition in gifting the land to the Nation after I'm on to my next adventure.  Land ownership is kinda complicated in that area. 

Step son that had been staying with me for a spell after the legal process was done to re-establish my singledom, For this post I'll call him Fuzzy N--s or FN for short.  He arrived yesterday to get the rest of his crap.  yeah, he left some things behind that I'll have to handle, but FN is out!!! One more thing that was a weight on me.  Seems like he's happy with what is going on in his life, the girlfriend / pre fiancee? are doing good, has a stable job, and even after kvetching about the people in that location for 15 minutes still tried to sell me on the idea that I'd like it out there.  Chuckle.  Sorry not sorry that ship sailed long long ago.  Well, he has a habit of trying to sell me on things that will ultimately be of benefit to himself.  Could be incorrect in my take, however seems to me that he was working an angle so that if things went sideways with him and girlfriend that there would be a local backup he could fall back on. I wish him no harm.  At the same time go away. Got myself and my path to handle. yeah, his contact data is going to become unfortunately "lost" when I move house / email addresses / #,  etc.  Not being "mean" here.  Thing is, my path forward doesn't involve him.  He generates chaos like the former spouse, just to a lesser degree and I finally have got it through my noggin that I deserve peace and having people in my experience that aren't toxic.  Yeah, even though he knows, he still falls back into the same pattern of being a victim to circumstances he created for himself and looks to others to "save" him from those circumstances.   

Knowing that he talks to an uncle that also talks to his mother ( former spouse ) .. I didn't tell him anything of note except things although true, that if they did get back to the former spouse wouldn't be of any impact on me and also could have multiple interpretations.   Former spouse catastrophizes as a regular thing.    Then on the flip side, D who is the former spouses son that happened before I entered the picture, and had adopted out, communicates with her on a semi - regular basis.  His info will also be "unfortunately" lost.  Nothing against him, it's a threat vector against me though.  I made sure to verbalize some of the ideas that I've had concerning possibly going off shore, year long road trip around the country I reside in, going off grid, getting to a point where I'm only bartering for the necessaries, I didn't commit to any of them, just ideas you know?  If any of that makes it back to the former spouse, what exactly is she to believe?  I don't like taking that kind of action.  I'd much much rather have my communication be clear and straight forward without BS.  However, obfuscating my actual intentions I think is a good idea.

Have other things requiring my attention.

Wishing all here, all the best

[Papa Coco]

SH

Your thoughts on your manipulative nephew are impressive. I can't think of a way you could hold a more appropriate and proper attitude around him.

Very inspiring!

I'm thinking about you as you deal with the death of your mom. Having that vein of manipulative abuse in the family makes Mom's passing more complicated than it needs to be. I don't know how you see yourself in the mirror, but what I see when I read your posts is a person who is doing all the right things to put closure to a lifetime of uncomfortable relationships. I would call you a particularly strong person with a very caring core.  Good combination to be. Strong and kind at the same time.

[StartingHealing]

10-19-25

Hey PC!      How you been?  May many good things have happened on your path!    Thank you for your kind words good sir.  Ironic that I've really not seen myself in that way.  Hmmm, I do think I need to consider how accurate my own self-assessment is.  Thank you again.  I've learned a few things about dealing with manipulative people. 

How do I express the sheer amount of being dumbfounded with the reveals that have happened since the middle sister moved on?  Tis been eye opening and at the same time provides a context in which certain things make sense. 

I don't remember breaking down the adoptive family sibs.  I'll use the words that are commonly used to indicate the role.  It was brother, sister, sister, sister, then they added me. 

The one closest in age to me, we are pretty tight.  The middle sister is the one that has recently moved on to her next adventure. { May it be far far better than the one she went through here } Then the eldest sister.

The brother has gone on as well.  Gallbladder / liver cancer in his case.  makes sense because he was angry most of the time.  About what I don't have a clue.  In traditional chinese medicine, certain emotions come from / are stored in certain organs.  And this lines up perfectly with that knowledge base that was developed over millennia of observation.  From a guy's perspective, how he ended up with the wife he did... One of those mysteries of life.  Complete sweetheart, loving, kind, compassionate, good sense of humor, killer cook, great mother.  Was in love with him as far as I could tell up till he passed. 

I've reached out over the years and since she never responded back, with that I just let her be you know?  With what has come to light, I can't blame her.  She's acting out of self protection because of things that have happened with others and to her I'm part of the same bunch. 

Anyway, a lot of the reveals have to do with the family dynamics and while it was not, I don't have to words to define it as far as a good / bad spectrum, the patterns of behavior that I grew up in, which you know kids normalize, plus my own issues from the adoption, judas on a stick the long term fallout has been .. 

Not just in my own path with the adoptive family sibs, but even to what would be nieces and nephews to me.  Doing the simple binary.  Has actions taken by them, (myself included)  been for thriving or not ?  There could be a word salad of adjectives I could use yet sometimes in the pursuit of explanation, of definition, that layers on more and more abstraction hiding the effects. 

Sigh.  Is painful to me at times because I do still retain some sympathy. The former spouse didn't kill that off.  Although, there are time that I seriously think she intended to.   Even if those who are suffering are doing so from their own actions.  Because I've been through some events / situations and I have insight into the emotional fallout that actions / behaviors / choices have, not only on those in the middle of it, but those that had no choice in the matter.  At the same time there are consequences.  Whether good or bad. And it's not my place to mitigate those for others.   I've generally maintained that I would rather know with certainty, than to be ignorant even if the knowing caused me serious emotional distress.  To put it nicely. 

This may sound odd, however even with what I have gone through, it was blessings in disguise.  My adoptive kept me out of a family dynamic that would have resulted in me being in the grey bar hotel, wet brain, or dead.  Not being genetically related to the people in the adoptive family prevented me from being susceptible to certain genetic expressions of ill health.  yes, there are some genetic expressions that I'm dealing with from the donors of my specific genetic mix however I'll take BP issues over others.  BP is manageable you know? 

The eldest sister.  I'm starting to consider that there is a PD there.  I'm grateful that I'm not residing in the same locale.  With what has been shown, vids are hard to argue against, smacks to me of the former spouse.  In my opinion that is one of the most frightening things is how the same behaviors happen across time zones, marital status, age, gender, and culture.  It's almost like they are a node, a puppet, that has the same force pulling their strings.  I'm really thinking that perhaps the idea of spiritual possession isn't just lip service.  How else can one explain it?  Starting with genetics and working up from there, shouldn't their be enough variables to have different behaviors at some level?  I've done the genetic genealogy and there is no relation twixt eldest sister and former spouse at least 10 generations back.  With the new data coming out that shows that genetics influence far far more than "previously considered".  No duh.  The blank slate ism was a psyop from the word go.  Just like so many other things that have been force fed to us for decades.

Wishing all here all the best.

[Papa Coco]

Starting Healing,

Wow, your family dynamic is a bit like mine. I was not adopted, but I had 4 siblings from the same gene pool but so help me I swear we each originally came from different planets. Even our health issues are all over the map.

You said something above that really sparked my interest. You said, "I'm really thinking that perhaps the idea of spiritual possession isn't just lip service." I don't know if you were serious, but if that is actually a wonder of yours, it is brought up in Dr. Robert Falconer's book, The Others Within Us. He teams up with dr. Richard Schwartz, who invented IFS therapy, and expanded on our inner parts. This sounds crazy, I know, but he has evidence from his 40 plus years of providing trauma-informed therapy, to sound compelling. In IFS, we learn that we have many parts within us. Many, many inner children, each with their own influence over our lives. Always meaning to help, but often because of their limited compartmentalized views of life, they end up tripping us up by accident. Schwartz started out talking about them as if they all were born inside of us, but Falconer believes the ocasional IFS part comes to us from somewhere else. He references the religious beliefs of possession and says that scientifically, he believes it's true. I was most intrigued in his book when he said that we humans are sometimes left with our borders unguarded, like when we are under anesthesia, or in a seriously dissociated state, as many of us are during CSA. During the times when we are "out of our mind" our borders are open, and Dr. Falconer believes that's when visiting IFS parts move in. His claim goes on a bit deeper, citing that he believes the world lost a valuable practice when we stopped doing exorcisms. Those of us in western civilizations think this is religious stuff, but Falconer isn't religious, he's an experienced psychologist who says he's helped a lot of people who he believes had other people's IFS parts in them after a surgery or sexual abuse.

I, personally, keep my belief system open. I see the world as a salad of possible scenarios, and, at this point in time, we humans aren't fully able to know which scenarios are real and which are hooey. So I give every theory a voice until somehow one of them proves itself right or wrong. Until proven diferently, I'm a fan of Falconer's writing.

I just wanted to say, IFS part possession or spiritual possession is absolutely not off the table when talking with me. It's as possible as anything else.

My wife had a brother. A sick, narcissistic, severely alcoholic, drug addicted brother. He was my age. He was a huge problem for the whole family. At times he would be "behaving himself" like a decent person for a while, but when he started to become dangerous, we knew it because we could see his countenance change. His face would darken. The word that best described is Jeckyl/Hyde transformations would be Evil. He looked like evil was entering his body. We knew bad things were about to happen. So the idea of spiritual possession as a scientific reality rather than a religious belief is easy for me to believe.

I recommend that book to anyone who wants a deeper understanding of IFS parts and their influence on our lives.

Recently I also read Attuned by Thomas Hubl, and somewhere in his teachings, he stated that adoption doesn't necessarily remove us from the ancestral trauma that comes down through families. Even those who have been adopted into families can find themselves wrestling with the ancestral traumas of the family they were adopted into. 

I like to keep my curiousity turned on full. I like exploring all the possibilities and giving each one credibility when they come from credible sources. Hubl, Schwartz, Falconer...these people have proven themselves to have information that is helpful to us, so...it's entirely possible that spiritual possession might be real, even in non-religious realms.

Just sayin'.

[StartingHealing]

10/20/25

Hi PC!

I am completely serious about the spiritual possession aspect.  It makes sense to me in many ways.  I'm seriously considering that what we have been told concerning "how stuff works" is limited, so very limited.  The realm of energy aka spiritual aspects have been ignored and in many cases I think intentionally suppressed.  While many spiritual traditions before the rise of the "mechanical universe" concept took spiritual aspects very seriously.   

Consider that there is a growing body of evidence concerning organ transplants and how the receiving person reports changes in interests, changes in taste in choices of food / drink, changes in mood / behavior.   

Then, if humans generally speaking are more porous than what we have been led to believe, that explains oh so much of modernity.

Short one because of work.

[Papa Coco]

Hi SH,

I am rereading An Introduction to IFS by Richard Schwartz. The more I understand the various personalities that live within me, the more I am able to love them. And as I love them, I somehow feel more love for myself now too. Actually, I should write it as my Self.  It's said the adult learner retains 15% of what we are taught. So, I figure that if I read the really good books 8 times--with breaks between each read--, then I'll retain 100% of the content. Sounds like a joke, but it works for me.

Once I'm done rereading Intro to IFS, I'm going to reread The Others Within Us by Robert Falconer. Falconer does a really good job explaining how these rogue parts can move about between people and how actual exorcisms done by actual therapists actually work.

We do seem to have similar interests and understandings. To me, quantum physics are bigger and more real than the Newtonian physics that define the Mechanical Universe are. Like Newtonian physics are a smaller subset of the larger universe.

Studies on ancestral trauma are fascinating. And on Organ transplants, and on twins separated at birth living nearly identical lives without even knowing the other existed at all. Paranormal, and energy studies are fascinating.  We are all connected.

This is fun stuff to talk about and ponder and it seems to be becoming a lot more mainstream reality than it used to be. I think more people DO believe in the paranormal things like ghosts and aliens now than don't. As for me, I've seen and experienced enough inexplicable things that it's all just becoming normal to me now. Which is good. We accept what we are able to accept. So the more I learn about the unseen realities beyond Newtonian Physics, the more increasing capacity I have to learn even more.

As for me on this topic of IFS parts and quantum entanglement:
These teachers are helping me continually shrink my EFs. My EFs don't last as long as they once did, and they don't come quite as often. To me, I was damaged in body, mind and soul. So, I need to heal body, mind and soul. These recent teachings by these trauma therapists are moving that same direction. Falconer says it anytime he speaks publicly, that healing from trauma works best with a spiritual component. Not spiritual only, but all three. Body, mind and soul. Speaking only for myself now, this holistic approach is proving very helpful as I work to gain control over my own agency.  For me, being able to finally accept the possibility that parts can possess us during times of weakness, dissociation, or anesthesia, has opened me up to accepting a lot more possibilities for healing.

PC

[Chart]

Hey SH,
You mentioned "legacy" several times awhile back... I'd like to say your journal is a tapestry woven of rough wool with patterns and images I marvel at. You have shared your life, honestly, directly, nothing artificial or conceited. I feel real connection with you and your words. It's a gift I highly value. And I believe that's much of our possible legacy, connection in seeing things for what they are.
Big hugs, your story is beautiful.
 

[StartingHealing]

Hey SH,
You mentioned "legacy" several times awhile back... I'd like to say your journal is a tapestry woven of rough wool with patterns and images I marvel at. You have shared your life, honestly, directly, nothing artificial or conceited. I feel real connection with you and your words. It's a gift I highly value. And I believe that's much of our possible legacy, connection in seeing things for what they are.
Big hugs, your story is beautiful.
 

Thank you Chart.  Here's a hug back for you   

I appreciate the kind words.  I know that my "languaging" isn't polished, it's as real as I can be without upsetting apple carts because of my use of certain words that are of a certain flavor if you know what I mean, and to protect others privacy. 

[StartingHealing]

Hi PC!

Ancestral trauma is, at least to my current level of understanding, absolutely true.  Thing is "modern science" is sooooo absurdly reductionist that even if the answer showed up and bit them on the butt, they would dismiss it because it doesn't fit into their paradigm that they have been indoctrinated into.  As a example, outside the USA there are studies that have been done that shows that the human digestive system knows the friggin' difference between a carb from broccoli and one from refined sugar. Yet we are fed the { a calorie is a calorie is a calorie nonsense }

Same with protein, minerals, vitamins fiber, and yet the financial / legal / powers of control { those who are in charge of the indoc } say it's ok that food companies release products and in my opinion should be boycotted and then burned in a plasma oven to break down and render inert the toxic BS that the companies intentionally used because it saved them 1/2 of a cent per serving cost to manufacture.  With that level of discernment in that system?!?! Holy Cats doesn't that shift the whole foundation of understanding?  It does for me.  Not to mention it also explains the ever increasing "medical" issues with digestion.  Folks are eating poison and then wonder why there is more and more diseases that big pharma / big food are more than happy enough to give a pill for.  We the group suffer while psychopaths keep the bottom line fat.  F'em.  Nope, going a different direction.  Piss off ya bast_eds.

Along with the reductionist BS which has intentionally been propagandized into the zeitgeist of modern common thought is the FUD ( fear, uncertainty, doubt ) of our own subtle senses.  We humans produce an energy field.  This field gets impacted by other energy fields.  How else can you explain the heaviness in a room after an emotionally charged argument and the people leave that room before you arrive?  What about the feeling of being watched when you actually are being watched?  Us humans are far far more porous than what is commonly believed. 

Quantum entanglements aside for the moment, epigenetic expression is a real thing.  For me that does explain a certain amount of transference down the genetic lines that excludes changes to the underlying DNA structure.  Add in natural reactions to stressful situations (like being held at sword point to either convert or die) then as a youngling gets raised in a structure of life that included seriously hurt adults, the child adapts and that's normal life for them. That pattern gets passed down and every generation has epigenetic expression of that pattern.  Add in that the adult oft times seeks the "normal" that existed in childhood, they pick a person that will produce that with their interaction with them.  Using myself .. the pattern that existed while i was in the womb was the basis from which I was acting and I'll be screwed, blued and tattooed, that's what got matched in the significant others I was drawn to / had relationships with. 

Add in the collective unconscious of a group that has went through the same type of events, natural human reactions, etc ... morphemic fields as a transmission source? a matching of resonance perhaps, and then quantum level entanglements get added in.  Dude    Intention is a THING even when we don't know we are intending anything. 

Then add in the concept of "soul contracts".  For me, my soul is an a__hole.  Seriously.  With the level of fecal matter I went through to get to this point?  Yeah, my current opinion is my soul is that.  In spades.  I do savvy that much was a blessing in disguise.  Even with the hard won understanding I have of the people, places, situations, how my experience played into not only my path but others.. not changing my opinion.  Maybe in the future.  Maybe. 

I've had some core shamanic / Reiki training and I do think that I need to learn myself up on spiritual possession from a shamanic perspective.  Not all who dwell in the other realms have our best interests at heart.  Even now in modernity, it's hard for people to understand where they are on the predator ~ prey scale.  We don't have teeth fer sh--, no claws to speak of, to hot we die, to cold we die, we ain't the strongest, fastest, thing out there in this realm.  Strip the tools away and we be screwed.  That dynamic doesn't stop in the physical in my opinion.

Wishing all the brave souls here, all the best