Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts

[sanmagic7]

i'm glad for your thoughts on pacing yourself, hope.  i really think it's something a lot of us struggle with - i know i do.  i've worn myself out so many times in my life, always pushing to do more, till i finally broke.  then i came to a screeching halt, had to start over, and pacing was a major focus.  i'd hate to see that happen to you.

sending love and hugs, sweetie.

[Jdog]

Hope/

Although I am a bit out of the loop, being on vacation, I read through your recent posts and can empathize with feeling pathetic, small, and overwhelmed.  You are doing a great job of keeping the thought that momentary feelings don't define the whole of you.   Take care, and know that you are doing what you need to do.

[Hope67]

It's like I am 9 again, and aware that I'm also grown and my body is the wrong size. Difficult to explain.

Hi Three Roses - yes, that's exactly what it feels like - you're spot on, and you've explained it so well - thank you.  When it's happened to me, I wonder if I'm somehow 'blending' with my younger self - at those moments - because it really feels like I 'see out of my younger self's eyes' at that point.    Thank you for the hug, it is much appreciated.    to you too. 

Hi SanMagic - Thank you so much - I will definitely heed your words - and make pacing a major focus.  I do worry sometimes that I push myself too much - beyond my coping abilities - and I need to heed that.   

Hi Jdog - I very much appreciate you taking time to pop in here when you're on your vacation - thank you for your empathy - it is validating and helpful.  I really appreciate it.  Hope you're having a lovely vacation.   

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Journal Entry on 20th November 2018

I thought I'd have something to say, and now I'm sitting here - contemplating what I want to say - there are no words.  But I feel positive today - and that's a good thing.
Hope 

[Blueberry]

Feeling positive, yay! That's great.

[Sceal]

  yay! Feeling positive is awesome! So happy to hear that!

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry & Sceal - thank you both 

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Journal Entry on 20th November 2018 - I'm back again - just wanted to reflect on a few things - going to let my mind wander and say what comes to mind - one of those things is I'm annoyed that they keep showing the Boots advert about Mothers - because I know they're trying to get people to buy gifts of Christmas, but it's annoying to see that particular advert - it's a bit like how I feel around Mother's Day - and the lack of that relationship is enhanced and it does hurt.

I also want to reflect on the kind of compartmentalised feeling I get about how I process emotions - literally feeling dissociated but also the irony that whilst I was attempting to process Chapter 3 of my Dissociation book this morning, that my partner (who knew what I was doing) was talking about putting honey on parsnips - and that felt quite ironic in many ways - but also made me laugh, and so I stopped what I was doing, and focused on some things I needed to do in the here and now.  Also, I don't know why he mentioned parsnips or honey - as we're not planning to have either of those... which makes me wonder what's going on.

For some reason, I've just visualised 'as if' I'm in a glass lift where I can see lots of avenues to go down, but I don't know which one to go down, or which way to turn - so I wonder if that's the difficulty - I can 'see' quite a few avenues - but the fact there are so many, and I feel exposed by the glass of the lift- means I don't feel safe there - and I am 'stuck' and unable to move.

My NM once commented when I was in my late 20's - and the electricity had gone off - and therefore the TV had stopped working at that point, that I had 'no idea what to do now' - and her tone had been one of such deep vitriol and distaste for what she regarded as my gross ineptitude - she really made me feel small and useless.  She had contempt in her voice when she said it.  I had been visiting her for a vacation at the time, and experiencing the intense tension that comes with that.  I am relieved that I don't put myself through those visits anymore - but the fact I am estranged from her, it doesn't help me to feel 'free' - I still feel bound up in a feeling of being 'held to ransome' somehow.  There's still a big part of me that feels as if horrible retribution will happen as a result of my being so insolent to disobey and dare to have asserted myself.

Actually I think maybe I should write a letter not to send - but you know - I think I may say things I might regret.  So I hold myself back a bit from that.  But maybe I will.  I'll see how I feel later.

I did have a part of myself that was 'drawing curtains' - in terms of experiencing them partitioning off walls and closing doors and closing curtains - this was a visual experience - and I noticed that when I tried to think of my past sexual experiences that I couldn't remember them - and I actually think that there is a part of me that habitually 'rubs out memories' - literally  won't let me remember - even when I want to remember.  This is frustrating, as it means I can't rely on my memories - and the memories I have are fragmented and actually out of the order I had assumed they should be in - I'm beginning to realise this as I try to piece together things - thereby whilst I'm finding some missing pieces of my puzzle, I'm not fitting them in to the right places necessarily.  The resulting picture is blurred and I would like to see clearer.

My 'littles' are still watching TV with me, and bringing visuals to my attention from the surroundings in the programmes - things like wall-paper patterns in particular.  I'm tempted to look for retro wall-papers to see if I can somehow bring any memories to light - but I'm also keen not to rush my littles - they need to go at their own pace - and I am keen to progress, but I'm keen to pace myself.  This is a dilemma.

Anyway, it was good to write this.  I feel calm, so that's good.
Hope 

[Jdog]

Hope-

I can relate to the lack of reliable memories,  to wondering whether I can get the sequence correct, and I know that continues to happen even now when I am unable to remember which movies I have seen and my wife remembers so clearly.  I know that the mind tries to protect us at times, but we do get to the point of being tired of being protected and just want to know something for sure, don't we?

Your day sounds interesting, and as though you did a ton of processing.  Good work!

[Three Roses]

I actually think that there is a part of me that habitually 'rubs out memories' - literally  won't let me remember - even when I want to remember.

I experience this, too. There is an impression, not quite a visible image but almost there, a short of librarian/manager person with glasses and a clipboard, and she's watchful in an unemotional way, not cold or distant but impartial. She "appears" in my imagination at times, sometimes I tell her to go away, sometimes I listen to her when she tries to stop me thinking about something.

[Hope67]

Hi Jdog - I agree - I would like to be protected a little less sometimes, and be able to 'see more clearly' - but I guess we have to allow It to take the time it needs - and go with the flow of it.  Yes, I did lots of processing the day before last - it was painful - and I felt very shaken for much of yesterday - but today - I feel better - and I like that feeling.  I hope to hold onto it.  Thanks for the validation and encouragement 

Hi Three Roses - thank you so much for sharing your impression of the part that habitually rubs things out - and I also find it interesting how you interact with her - I literally have a vision of mine rubbing things out on a blackboard - so it seems extremely literal - and sometimes it's like she's drawing curtains and closing doors in a house/room - to 'hide' various things she doesn't want me to see.  I haven't been able to catch a glimpse of her yet though - i.e. I haven't worked out what she looks like.  Just that she is busy sometimes rubbing things out.  Thanks Three Roses 

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Journal Entry on 22nd November 2018
I did process a lot a couple of days ago, and it was physically painful in that my head hurt a lot, and I felt exhausted the next day.  I also felt really vulnerable and as if I didn't know what to do with myself - at many points in the day.  It was like a feeling of 'disquiet' throughout my body and my mind - like my 'littles' were scared and out of sorts with one another - it actually felt like we didn't have a home for a while - if that makes sense - even though within my reality of life - I do have a home. 

I am also aware that Chapter 3 of the Dissociation book had a section that talked about 'Reenactments' and that I didn't understand that - or at least my parts wouldn't allow me to process and understand it - so I am thinking that before I can move on to read Chapter 4 - maybe I'll do a section or query in the forum about the subject of 'Reenactments' - and then maybe get some ideas on how it works and what it means.  Because I feel like otherwise I'll just end up reading the next chapter and I won't be able to really get the gist of what Chapter 3 was about.  I'm going to write myself a note - here - and will hope to come back later to do that. 

Interesting that writing about that has already brought up some feelings of resistance - i.e. part of me is saying to me "Why have you committed to doing that?"  "You're giving yourself homework" "We don't like homework".

I am also aware that I've been thinking about what Boy22 said, somewhere in his writings - about how people conform to 'scripts' and that he is going outside the scripts of some of his inners/parts - and then how that feels.  I find that really helpful to consider that - and I have been considering how I fit into certain 'scripts' in relation to certain parts of me, and that others have very different scripts - and I think that altering my behaviour would enable me to test out what it would be like to be different - and maybe it wouldn't be such a bad thing.  Although I would imagine that different parts would be shocked, or surprised etc.  I think I'd need to consider this carefully - to be sure that any changes I attempted were agreed to a certain degree - otherwise mutiny might happen.

I guess I think that there are huge parts of me that like to keep me within an arena that is controlled - because that is what my FOO imposed on me - i.e. living within tightly defined rules - and therefore to be 'free' - can I actually do that?  As I still impose rules on myself - and feel guilty if I transgress certain unspoken rules etc. 

I am just relieved today to feel better - also I dreamed last night that I was on a sailing boat and traversing some choppy waters but that I didn't feel afraid - it was like I was 'going somewhere' and it was potentially exciting.  So that is interesting - as sometimes dreams I've had about boats in the past have involved being stuck in a pile of rubbish and paper on a boat, and feeling overwhelmed - or trying to pack up things to travel and never having sufficient space and not wanting to move on.  So this is a more positive theme for a dream than I've had for a long while.

Hope 

[Wattlebird]

Hi hope,
The reenactment thing, I have identified reenactments with my therapist,
1. Example to explain the concept, I was never allowed to say no as a child, if I utterly refused to do something, I was "disowned " of sorts, love was removed and I was shamed a lot. in my marriage I ended up saying no to every request, it was like a test of love, I say no and want him to love me anyway, It got so bad my hubby had to ask the kids to ask me to do something, I just saw this as manipulation, but can see now that I was triggered every time he made a request, I'm learning to do what I think is right rather than react so badly to requests for help etc.
Hope that explains the concept ? I seem to reenact quite a bit, but working this out has helped enormously

[Hope67]

Hi Wattlebird,
That is a really helpful explanation of the concept of re-enactments - thank you!  I am going to attempt to write about it in the Chapter 3 section in Book Talk - so I'll pop over and do that now, whilst it's fresh in my mind.  Thank you for sharing that example from your childhood - I am so sorry that you were 'disowned' and shamed a lot - that wasn't right.    to you.  I'm glad you've been able to see your re-enactments with your T and that you have been able to work on them in that way - it sounds really good. 
Hope 

[Deep Blue]

Hey Hope,
It's Thanksgiving Day here in the states.  I just wanted to pop in and say I'm thankful for you.  The world has thrown you some tough stuff my friend. You are always pushing yourself and are stronger than you know.  Your spirit always sees the glass as half full.  You are kind and gentle and genuine. Much love to you honey. 

[Jdog]

Hope

I am thankful for you and your strength and amazing courage!

[Hope67]

Hi Deep Blue & Jdog - Happy Thanks Giving to both of you.      I am thankful for both of you.  You are kind, you are true, and I appreciate you - both of you.  Thank you. 

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Journal Entry on 23rd November 2018
I have been for a walk today - out in the fresh air, and it was good for me.  I was able to think about things and contemplate things, and I came to a few realisations - which is good, especially as the Chapters of the book I'm reading talk about 'Non-realisations' - so to make 'realisations' is progress.  I am hoping to communicate some of the thoughts and feelings behind these - but right at this moment, I am going to focus on some things that I need to do that are more practical.  But I just wanted to write here, and mention that I have been making more links and realising more things, and that feels positive.

Hope 

[Jdog]

Great job, Hope!  Enjoy your day!