Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts

[Jdog]

Let's hear I for silver linings, Hope.  In the LGBTQ world, back when being "different" had  even more dire consequences than today, we called getting rid of evidence of our real lives "straightening up"!  Sounds like you have been doing something long those same lines, my dear!

[Hope67]

Hi jdog, Yes, you're right, I was straightening up my environment, and ensuring there were no traces of information that could point to my different issues - and I was successful in hiding all traces - at least I think so...

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Journal Entry on 5th November 2018
I anticipated that my 'in-laws' might cause me some challenges yesterday - but you know - it went ok in the end - and this made me wonder why my anxiety beforehand is so high - because when it comes to it, I can cope better than I anticipate that I will - at least sometimes - and it's a relief - but also I feel so fatigued after - as it takes such a lot of energy out of me.  I guess it's forever 'anticipating' what might be said, and not knowing the best way to respond - and having to anticipate those things, means that the conversation feels like a potential minefield - and I tread very carefully.

I was talking to my partner today about it - and he wondered if it was because I am bothered by what people might think - I told him it's not that - it's because there are so many different parts of me, and basically I've rarely spoken about my feelings about things 'out loud' - only to him, and to a couple of close friends - and that even with myself - I have so many different parts of me that feel different ways about the exact same issue/thing - that there's conflict, and often emotive pushes and pulls.  Even trying to explain it to him, made me feel that words are just very hard to formulate to say something clearly - because there's a lot of muddling of the waters and lack of clarity.

I already feel 'silly' because my inner critic is telling me 'What are you on about now?' - but I'm going to just keep writing, as I would like to write today - here in my Journal and see what comes out - as I have felt as if I have had moments of clarity and then part of me comes along and tries to 'rub out' those bits - and so maybe writing here will allow me to share some stuff.

I completed the Dissociation Treatment book yesterday - in terms of having read it all - I finished it late last night - and weirdly I can't remember much about it now!  But I know that it was a really useful book - and so my plan to go back through it chapter by chapter - and hopefully try to implement some of the things within it - that will be good for me.  But again, the fact I can't remember much - means that part of me that likes to rub things out - has been busy working to rub it out for me!

I feel like I want to take a couple of days to just chill out and relax a bit - try to do something creative - maybe a drawing - or find a non self-help book to read - even though I never seem to be able to read those - I rarely finish any book - as a child I'd have a pile of books under the bed and just read a page or two of each - dipping into different ones.  Perhaps I can do the same as an adult - but with a nice range of fun books.  I'll think about that.

I've been thinking that I would like to make progress with writing about the 'different parts of me' - as they are now more recognisable to me - at least a few of them are.  But I am fearful of writing down descriptions of them - and I wonder if that is their reticence for me to talk about them - I realise they are parts of me, but I also realise that they are protective of me, and part of that has been that some of them really didn't want me to talk about my inner experiences - and therefore there's a conflict.

There was someting I read in a newspaper the other day that has affected me quite a bit - it was ***trigger warning till end of paragraph*** a young girl who had ended up taking her own life (suspected) in her wardrobe and the newspaper had suggested that she had been frightened of a Film she'd seen (a children's film which portrayed monsters coming from the wardrobe) - it evoked quite strong feelings for me - relating to my own terror and screaming experienced as a very young child after I watched a film that had really disturbed me - and the terror I had felt.  The thing is that for me, I realise (through speaking to my elder sister) and relying on the few memories I have of those times, that my home environment was not very good - and I do suspect that maybe I projected my fears onto that film - instead of onto the actual things that were happening around me, and my reaction to all of that.  I know that my elder sister told me that she had tried to take her own life (I won't say what she said she'd done, as I don't want to be graphic), but I do believe her - and I am so grateful that she wasn't successful in that - and that she is alive and living her life now. 
*** end of Trigger warning

I feel that my partner is very supportive - because he had read a letter in the newspaper recently that was by someone who had NC with their FOO - and he literally told me that that person had 'far less' dysfunctional stuff than I had, and yet they had said being NC was the best thing they had ever done.  I am interested in my reaction to this, because it surprises me that he thinks my family dynamics are so bad - because I think I minimise things - and can't see them as being as bad as he does.  I was shocked by the fact that when I saw a therapist - that she suggested to me that I break contact - I thought that she wouldn't be so prescriptive in her viewpoints - but she said that to me and I heeded her words - because I could see it was destroying me to keep such toxic contact.  I went LC at first, and then NC - and it's a few years now. 

But I still feel the impact of my FOO on me - even though I am NC - I still feel they affect me - I've noticed at night that I will get flashes of concern for whether they might be dying - or ill - because they are of course getting older.  I feel guilt about that - guilt that I should be a caring and dutiful daughter - and yet I am not there for them.   Yet, they haven't really shown much meaningful care or love for me - I realise that now.

In a letter from my M (during the time we were low contact) she actually wrote that she wished the events of the year before my birth had never happened - and that shocked me so much, because I can only take that to mean that she wished I had never been conceived, and therefore never born - or lived.  I realise she might have meant something else, but it is something I never expected to hear from her - especially in writing like that.  Yet, even as I write that - I can't feel any anger.  I don't feel anything right now - but I remember when I read the letter at the time she had sent it, that I had felt some intense feelings - but they had been more of fear and upset at the contact and a fear of upsetting her!  Like I'd done someting really bad to get such a letter from her. 

I feel better for having gone to see the Nurse last week - but I remember how bad I felt for a while after - and there were visual images coming to me that were quite distressing - for a while - but thankfully those didn't stay with me - but it makes me think about how certain parts of me are angry that I went and that I spoke to her about personal things - and shared even just a small amount.  I was trying to pacify those parts and say that I appreciated them trying to protect me in that way, but the Nurse was kind, and she did listen to me. 

When I think about it now, I really feel that she was a kind Nurse - and it makes me feel glad to know that she's there - and that in the future maybe I can go and see her.  I just hope that the GP will be as nice.  But I am still going to wait until I absolutely have to go - before making any further appointments, and I'm glad that at the moment, I think I should be ok for a hopefully long time...!

I plan to try to relax and also think of a plan to go forward as the week goes on - I've read a lot, and I need to consolidate it and then think about how to progress.  So, that's my plan...

Hope 

[Deep Blue]

Hey Hope,
So much insight here!

I like the idea of getting to know some of your littles... maybe 1 or 2 feel safer?  It surely doesn't need to be all at once either.

I think it's wonderful that your partner noticed the newspaper article and encouraged NC as being a good thing.  Your relationship seems to have lots of understanding.

I don't care what your FOO says! You are valuable and I'm grateful for you.  Sometimes I've noticed others pick fights to make the parting of ways easier.

I'm glad the nurse was kind to you.  I know it was difficult but now look? Just a week later and that cloud of self doubt seems to have lifted quite a bit.

Much love Hope

[Jdog]

Hope-

I'm lacking the emotional bandwidth to read your full post, but do send you support at this time.

[Three Roses]

(jdog - "emotional bandwidth"  love it!)

there are so many different parts of me, and basically I've rarely spoken about my feelings about things 'out loud' - only to him, and to a couple of close friends - and that even with myself - I have so many different parts of me that feel different ways about the exact same issue/thing - that there's conflict, and often emotive pushes and pulls.

This is me too. Thank you for sharing this, it's something I could never put into words. Since becoming aware of these "separate but the same" parts, I've had a few odd occurrences. I'll see if I can put words to them in my own journal. Thanks again. 

[Hope67]

Hi Jdog - I also like the word 'emotional bandwidth' too, and thankyou so much for your reply and support.  It means a lot.   

Hi Three Roses - Thank you so much - I am feeling validated by what you said, as you have described feeling the same way - and that makes me feel much less alone with it - thank you.  I am glad I was able to put it into words that made some sense - because like you said, it's not an easy thing to convey or describe. 

****
Journal entry on 7th November 2018
I hope to be back later - at some point today - but it's a busy day for me today - I have some chores that I need to do out of the house, and then a social meet-up with a friend - so if I get chance later, I'll be back - as I really want to write some things here that have been coming up in my mind.
Hope 

[Hope67]

7th November 2018
I am back again - earlier than I anticipated - and the reason is that I have realised that I have a tendency to 'avoid' - probably because of conflict between my different parts - about sharing things and writing about things - and I think that holds me back sometimes - I was going to prioritise my 'chores' and then I wondered - why have I named them as 'chores' - surely that is suggesting they are arduous and difficult things - not enjoyable at all.  Some of them are things like shopping in the supermarket - and actually I enjoy doing that.  It's not a chore at all.  I suspect that some of this language choice is down to a part of me that wants me to 'suffer' somehow - and 'feel bad' and 'feel guilty' about the fact I'm no longer working - and have time to go and enjoy supermarket shopping - as opposed to rushing about - which would have been my previous actions - when juggling a very full-on working week and trying to fit things in around it.  I know that I hold a lot of guilt about the fact I'm no longer working now - but I also recognise that I was incredibly traumatised by the toxic working environment and things that had gone on at work - and having my FOO issues alongside - and my CPTSD - it was all overwhelming.

When I think about all the factors that have affected me - it is over-whelming, and in many ways I wonder 'where do I start' - in terms of focusing on my parts and how I'm coping etc.

Before I lose my train of thought - I've brought a piece of paper where I have jotted down a few 'notes from notes' - i.e. I made some 'notes' about the more extensive notes I had previously written - and this is what I wrote:

"Going on with normal life.  Look at internal conflicts.  Which parts activated? and Triggers and chains of reaction.  Flow-diagrams till full picture appreciated.
Blending/identifying parts.
Attach part - wish for closeness (elicit help and protection)
Submit part - ability to appease (to please)
Flight part - need for distance (to keep a safe distance or not come at all)
Freeze part - fear of attack
Fight part - imperative to control (to fight for control)
Defensive flexibility - quick automatic transitions - important when you have easily provoked abusive caretakers.
But these defensive patterns are no longer useful once we feel safe.
Wise Mind - Curiosity, Compassion, Wisdom, Courage and Calm.  Clarity, Confidence and Commitment."

So I wrote the above yesterday - and what comes to mind as I have typed that out - is that I am not sure whether I feel safe - because there are various parts of me that 'do not feel safe' - and there are parts which have communicated feelings of terror - although they haven't expressed the source of that terror. 
Even regarding my FOO - I actually don't feel safe about the possibility that they might try to make further contact - although at the same time, I think they are now focusing on their newly found relative (grandchild) - and so they may no longer need to find me to try to fuel their narcissistic supply.

The notes I wrote above are literally things written in books I've read - I suspect it might be from Janina's book - for some reason my memory of the big Dissociation Treatment book I've only just finished reading has blurred - I literally can't recall it - it's like the part of me that wants to rub things out has rubbed it out. 

I was reading in the forum last night a thread where some people were discussing their experiences of another Dissociation book - I think it was by Boon, but I'm not sure if that's the right name, but what struck me was the fact that people were talking about how they were 'avoiding' their parts - and not feeing comfortable to write about them, and I thought - yes, I relate so much to this - but I also remember that I wrote quite a lot in other threads on the forum - so there's other parts of me who will write quite a lot - and indeed, I feel this morning that 'yes - I will write' - I'm not going to avoid it...

Three Roses has helped me to feel stronger, by her bravery in writing - and many other people too - I really think that the 'protective' parts of us - whilst being helpful in the past - they are defensive patterns that may no longer be useful - but I guess the fear is that 'what if' - because essentially people who should have cared - weren't able to, or didn't provide the things that my littles needed.   For reasons of their own, it was difficult for them.  I can see that.  I can understand it to a degree, but there are parts of me that are angry about that.

I did have a realisation yesterday, which I wrote in another book I keep - and I said in that book "Dissociated parts - Realisation - Getting on with normal life parts thrived at work sometimes.  When left work - they went into exile.  Left more vulnerable child parts.  Didn't cope so well.  But coping part returning.  Beginning to connect more with other parts"

** I am highlighting this part - as I want to find a way of communicating with my dissociated parts - I have started that process - I was doing a Meditation Circle - but I've ?avoided doing it for a few weeks now - I think I need to get into a practice of doing it - so I can 'be there' for my different parts and enable us to communicate regularly.

What the Dissociation Treatment book suggested - if I've got it right - is that I shouldn't begin to approach the traumatic memories yet - but allow my parts to communicate and to feel more comfortable with each other, and get some agreement among them about going forward to work towards a common goal.  I think a goal would be to live in harmony in the current time and feel safe - and to understand any EFs and work through them.

I don't think I can write anymore for now - but I'm glad I came back and just 'wrote'. 
Hope 

[Hope67]

I had an interesting time going shopping - I thought it would be enjoyable, and parts of it was, but I was also experiencing more 'flashbacks' somehow today - and more experiences of being triggered and ending up unable to think or express myself properly - however, I was much more mindful of each experience, and was more aware of what the different triggers were, and I was also aware of what was happening - and I didn't worry too much about it - because I was 'aware' - and so the experiences didn't last so long - and the great thing was that I found my social meeting with my friend so much more enjoyable than I normally would - I found I was more able to open up and engage in a two-way conversation - which is different from my usual stance with friends, which is to listen to them and support them, and be quiet about my own stuff - this friend is one that I have started to open up with - and I can share things because she does understand - so that's been good. 

I actually got home and thought to myself that somehow I felt more like an 'adult' today - and less like a child - I often feel childlike and 'lost' somehow, but today I actually felt more adult and able to choose things.  I am celebrating those things.

Right at this moment, I am feeling more stable internally  - this contrasts with a feeling of angst I had felt the past day - and a feeling that I couldn't settle and was anxious.  I prefer this feelng today - but I also wonder if maybe it's because I got through those EF's whilst out and about earlier - and they haven't left me as drained or concerned as I would normally be.  Just being aware of what's happening - it seemed better. 

I am thankful for that. 
Hope 

[Hope67]

Journal Entry on 8th November 2018
I think I have had a bit of a back-lash from my inner selves - in that speaking yesterday to my friend about personal things, and then having a dream last night where I connected with a feeling of intense terror - and then today - I've just felt 'directionless' and 'down in the dumps' - I wouldn't say I'm too bad, just have this unsettling feeling that I've done something wrong, that I'll get into trouble, and feelings like that.  I also feel a sense of dread and waves of 'upset' - and then I think about what direction I should go in next - i.e. I have read many self-help books - and the ones I found most helpful were several of them - and now I wonder - where should I start.  I was going to do a plan - and I started to draft a few notes I'd taken, and then I thought - no, I can't handle this - it's too much - I feel over-whelmed.

Then I ended up watching TV and saw an American film about Christmas and it was a slushy romance - and somehow that made me feel nostalgic for some kind of chocolate-box kind of scenario - and I don't think that's reality at all. 

Although I am very happy with my partner - I don't want my watching a film about a Romance to suggest I'm not happy in my relationship - I feel the need to say that - because I love my partner so much.  I realise that part of my concern today - is that I was worried about the fact he ended up acting out a dream related to my FOO - and I did talk to him afterwards about it - and he acknowledged that seeing me being really upset in the middle of the night had played on his mind, and then he'd had a nightmare involving my FOO (parents) - and he admitted that he feels very angry towards them and blames them for how I struggle with unresolved feelings and flashbacks etc.  I told him that I appreciated his love and concern very much, and that knowing he had had such a dream (nightmare) made me worry about him - and at the same time made me feel some anger towards my FOO for upsetting him.  I did however realise that I don't seem to be able to feel much anger relating to how they treated me - at least many parts of me don't - maybe there is an angry part - who feels that, but I sense an angry part but don't know what their anger is related to/about.

I felt like I had been reasonably productive last week - in terms of things I had achieved - I could write things down in my Gratitude diary - and I felt like I was making progress.  But this week - I feel directionless really.

I had felt on a bit of high yesterday - after speaking to my friend, but coming back down with a bump again today - and I have another social thing to go to tonight - I had cancelled it last week as I felt I couldn't cope - so I will go tonight - but I don't feel like I have much energy.  I hope it will be ok, and that I'll cope ok.  I feel sure I'll get some energy from somewhere.  Maybe I'll go to bed for an hour this afternoon - to re-charge my batteries. 

Anyway, it's helped to write this, and I think I will maybe take a warm bath and go to sleep for a little while, and then try to put on some nicer clothes to go out with my friend tonight.

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

hope, i've read your journal about your 'parts' and 'littles', and thought you courageous and insightful, but really couldn't relate.  today for some reason, i began wondering if i have some of that stuff going on as well, just never gave a name to it,

i know i've experienced dissociation and depersonalization, but never attributed it to specific 'parts' of me, except for the 'gray' me i experienced at an interview.  you've got me thinking there may be more to me than has met my eye.  thank you for sharing all this, for keeping at it, and for knowing so much about yourself.  you may have opened a door for me i wasn't aware was there.

love and hugs, sweetie.

[Three Roses]

... in that speaking yesterday to my friend about personal things, and then having a dream last night where I connected with a feeling of intense terror - and then today - I've just felt 'directionless' and 'down in the dumps' - .... I felt like I was making progress.  But this week - I feel directionless really.... I had felt on a bit of high yesterday - after speaking to my friend, but coming back down with a bump again today -

This happens to me every time I share with someone face to face. There are a couple of exceptions but even with those people I sometimes experience what I call an "over share hangover". I think it comes from some past betrayals. Big hug to you, Hope! 

[Deep Blue]

You are so insightful dear hope.  I'm glad you and your partner are in such an open and loving relationship.  Your ability to be vulnerable with each other speaks to the depth of your care for one another.  Love ya 

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic, It means a lot that you relate to things I've written about my 'littles' and 'parts' because it's been quite challenging to enable myself to start to do that - and sometimes I have wondered if I seem strange to be thinking in the way I do - but the more I read, in both the self-help books and here in the forum, I realise that it is a fairly common experience - for many of us - and we can relate to one another, and that feels very validating to me, and encourages me to continue on this path.  Although I have to admit I've been finding it extremely over-whelming sometimes too, so I'm trying to do my best to pace myself.  I remember you mentioning the 'Gray lady' before - and I related to that - because I mentioned my 'Edwardian/Victorian Lady' - walking with heavy skirts and she seems to wear dark and grey clothes too, when I picture her in my mind.    Love and hugs to you SanMagic, and thank you for your validation and your support.   

Hi Three Roses - Yes, this does definitely describe how I felt yesterday - it was like a 'over share hangover' - thank you so much for sharing your experience, because I feel it very closely too - and it makes sense as well.  Thank you!  Big hug to you too, Three Roses  - I really appreciate and value your validation and caring replies. 

Hi Deep Blue - I love ya too - you know.  You are such a kind and lovely person - it shines through.   

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Journal Entry on 9th November 2018
Today I am being kind to myself - I am going to do some relaxing things - I will do some dot-to-dots as well - as they are very relaxing for me. 

Just reflecting on my social with my friend last night - it went well - it was completely different to the other one with my other friend, in that I didn't share personal things so much - but I realised that my friend does know some very personal things about me already - and I have opened up to her more than I perhaps realised - and it's been ok - so that was an interesting realisation for me. 

I am planning to relax today - and then hopefully do some writing in the forum on the weekend - about my parts - as I am beginning to make some realisations, and I think it might be time to share some of those - and seek validation for them, as I know that helps me to heal and progress.  That's how I feel right at this moment - whether I will feel the same when it comes to it - I don't know - but I'll see what happens. 

At least today - at this moment - I feel quite positive and hopeful.  My over-sharing hang-over has gone away today - I feel relieved. 

Hope 

[Jdog]

Hope-

I just want to say that you sound like such a lovely person, one that is a great friend.  You are doing remarkable work on your past traumas, bringing things into the light.  I admire you, and am glad you have a loving partner and some great friends.

[Deep Blue]

Hey Hope,
I just want you to know I've found myself in a similar position before.  I've found myself sharing some personal stuff with a friends before.  Honestly, I don't like sharing my own stuff much.  So whenever I do share... it always feels like an over share.  Hope that makes sense.

Anyway it sounds like your friend is not judging so I think that's a good sign.  Keep taking care of you sweetie