Elpha's adventure pt. 2

[Elphanigh]

She is okay. Has loys of medicine in her system at this point. I am just her kind of as an incase of emergency person today.

It feels nice to be more myself today. This week was a really difficult one. I do plan to rest and do lots of yoga this weekend to rest and fully ground myself before next week. I might try for an easier Monday session with my Tm not reallt feeling like I can open another big one yet

[sanmagic7]

sending love and a giant embrace for all you're going thru, sweetie.  i'll probably join you on the porch later.  i'm going to send that letter to my ex in a few minutes, and i'll need the porch.  got some wild blackberries yesterday that i'll bring to share.  love you, doll. 

[Elphanigh]

I love wild blackberries! Can't wait to share them. I started writing a letter to my mom (see letter board), but unlike you I am not sure I will ever be brave enough to send it. I am so proud of you getting out the things you need to.

Hugs and lots of love to you dear sister 

[Elphanigh]

Thank you to everyone allowing me to be heard this week. It was a tough one, and parts of me just needed to be loud and acknowledged. I wasn't doing so great at acknowledging them in all of the panic, so thank you for being an outlet or that. I do feel like myself today, went and got groceries and also enjoyed a game night with a few friends. Just what I needed. Feeling human again is tremendous and I am grateful for it.

Obviously I have a lot to process. I had a moment in session on Monday where I envisioned telling my M, and having her react the way I need her to. I noticed it and moved in because we were working on earlier trauma, so I didn't feel the need to mention it. It isn't the first time I have thought about it, and it certainly won't be the last. Maybe one day I will actually tell her or write her and actually give it to her. But I also may process things and stop feeling the need for her to know. Whichever it ends up being will be okay, and it will be what I need. I think my needing to be heard this week was definitely attached to this. I need to explore it, and as much as the early trauma bits are really powerful I do need to stabilize this bit.

My nightmare may have also had to do with that. The group I was in during the dream wasn't not a place I could be heard, or be true to myself. Then I was being betrayed and silenced by adults whom I trust again. So maybe it wasn't entirely group that triggered it, although definitely a part of it. There is a lot of underlying emotions going on here. I will go back and write more of my letter to my M tomorrow. I can note how healing it was already for me.

[Elphanigh]

Well I ended my weekend with a restorative yoga class last night, and then woke up and went to an energizing class this morning before sunrise. Always grateful for the way my yoga practice works to heal all parts of me. It means I finally feel human and fully like myself today at work. My coworkers are kinder than I could have ever imagined for me working her only about 6 weeks. Everyone just wanted to check on me this morning and ensure I was doing better, even though only one of them knows what was going on. Very sweet of them to make sure that I have it all sorted out, and to be told I was so missed from the office. It is a caring environment and one I am more grateful to have every day.

I have my normal therapy session tonight, and tbh am really nervous about it. Which in itself is probably a good emotion to explore. After all that happened last week and not being able to get a hold of my T when I was so far down, of course I am a bit  apprehensive to go in tonight. I don't want a repeat of last week. I am dedicated to this healing journey though, and one set back doesn't erase months of progress I have made in that office. I do think I plan to let her read the start of what I wrote to my M (not to be sent) but I think that letter is important for her to know things in it. We will see though. There is certainly a mass amount of things to process. I think my need to be heard is probably the biggest this week though. Some part of me was certainly doing some kicking and screaming, and I was not prepared to deal with it.

In other exciting news, I began volunteering for the cptsd foundation and am working on creating some great resources for them as well as a book club I will be running come late to mid october. It has been amazing to spend the weekend brainstorming with people that have given me so much, and to be able to give back to the trauma survivor community as a whole in a way that allows me to be creative and use my passions. It is a highlight in all of the crazy that happened

[sanmagic7]

wow.  and more wow.  as they say, you've come a long way, baby.  i'm so proud of you for speaking up, writing what you need to write, and continuing to explore.  take your time - you've definitely earned that. 

it also sounded waaaay good that you're feeling more like yourself at last.  and congrats on your volunteer work.  very cool, my dear.  i hope your session goes well, and you can get some of what you went thru processed.  and i'm so glad for you that your yoga helps you so much.  i just love it, and love you.   

[Elphanigh]

Awe, San, I always love the way you point out how far I have come and it makes me look at it with new eyes. In the thick of it all it is truly hard to see. I am going to working on writing a physical version of the letter to my M, and tuck it away for safe keeping. It is an ide I had at the end of my session, so the words would have a safe place to exist, but also only be read if I wanted them to.


I spent my session being heard which was great. I needed that. Ended up being almost an hour and a half long session. I got so much of the junk out. I don't really want to get into it yet because I am just enjoying the feeling of having it our for now. The lightness that feels better.

Group is tomorrow night, and I got to talk about it some which I needed. I feel more steady about going. She did also mention that if/when I feel safe and comfortable that we could do a group or at least part of a group where I got to play out telling my mom in whatever way felt right. Then have what apparently is called a Magic moment, where whoever was playing my M gets to give me the reaction I need from my M. I am curious about it. If tomorrow felt safe she would let me do so then, but I don't know the group enough to do that yet. I think that will one day be a thing I do but I could not yet fully voice it to my T let alone a group. One day though

For now my T gave me a lot of the validation and understanding I needed today. She is great at that, and just very understanding.

I let her read the letter I wrote and she did well to cover enough of her reaction but was as honest as I needed her to be in the moment which I really appreciate.

Either way very healing and now I want rest.

[Elphanigh]

So many things stick with me about my session last night. One my T validated just how much I went through. I mean she has done this before but it was very powerful last night. She said something along the lines of "you survived your own personal holocaust" then went on to say just how much I went through and how horrific the things I survived were. I knew she does not relate it to that historical event lightly and means not offense or anything of that sort using that phrase. It is just what came to her mind and has stuck with me. There were a lot of part of me and even my adult self that just needed to be heard and recognized for all that they went through and all that they did to survive it. I went through many versions of * and came out as a kind functioning person, and that is huge.


She also validated my eating disorder. It is the first time I have specifically talked about that portion of my life with her in such detail. Talking about my teenage years was something I needed to do last night and it was a good chance for her to learn more about me and about things my family did. Having her validate the eating disorder as such was good for me. It is something I knew but had never had anyone say yes, that is considered an eating disorder. There is something powerful about having someone recognize it as it is, to call it an ED gives it importance. Which I knew it was important but have always wondered if I had just been making too much of it. So knowing I didn't and it is actually something helps.

I felt very validated and heard last night. She asked questions and made me think about things that I was saying, but did also allow me to get out some of the junk that was stuck and just going in circles in my mind. It was what I needed, more than emdr or anything specific. I just needed a good talk session, and am grateful my T is wonderful at those and not stuck in a task oriented mindset of having to do the thing we are most focusing on.

Anyways I feel like I will keep drawing some new insights as I go, but I feel prepared for group tonight and just reassured that her office is a safe space for me. 

[sanmagic7]

sweet el,  i've been involved in some of those 'magic moments' and they are powerful, indeed.  truly wonderful.  very healing. 

i'd had a situation when i was a teen where i needed my mom, but she just wasn't there for me at all.  i'd gone thru all kinds of therapy about it over the years, but the pain never went away until finally, in my 60's, i was getting counseling from a woman who was able to give me that 'magic moment'.  it was miraculous, truly.

just telling you this to let you know i believe in the validity of it.  when you're ready, of course - not trying to pressure you. 

ems will be with you when you go to group tonite, watching over you and keeping you safe in her loving, grounding embrace.

i'll be there in spirit, right by your side for strength and support if you need/want it.

sending much love and a big hug filled with happiness for you that you finally feel heard, acknowledged, and validated.  well done to your t.  sounds like she nailed it.

[Elphanigh]

San, I am really glad to hear from someone that has experience with those magic moments. It is great to know that they are truly very healing, and I look forward to the day I am ready to try that. I know you wouldn't pressure me, nor would my T, but it sounds like you both are in agreement it would be a good healing thing for me. I think it will be in my own time certainly. Just need to get to a point where I trust the group enough to allow that to happen.

My T did really nail it on the head, as she often does. Her years of experience and then just the fact she has been seeing me for a year and half really shows. I am also getting better at voicing what I need, which is helping too because she isn't having to guess or read into it all the time. She does read into it well but helps if I can say the words " I need to be heard" or voice the fact that I wish I had a parent that was more useful... That wound is still pretty raw today but I got a lot out of it.

Lots of love to you always 

I will bring my stone that reminds me of ems with me tonight, as well as some warm tea. I have a mug that keeps drinks warm for multiple hours so I think having something will be helpful as a comfort thing today.

Thank you for always being with me in spirit when I need/want. It is amazing how much just that reminder does for me. Feeling loved and important is something I am so grateful for, especially this week. It is what so much of me has needed and I am lucky enough to be getting it from multiple sources

[Deep Blue]

With you in spirit too sweetie. 

I'm so happy for your moment and I want to commend you on noting it here.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you for being with me Deep Blue  All the support from here is so invaluable to me. It truly means the world 

[Elphanigh]

Monday and Tuesday nights both went well. I am feeling some of the emotions but I have been able to get a lot out which is great. Group went much better, although I realized just how odd it is that I have known all but one of set of my great grandparents well. We were doing a lineage drawing for different addictions diseases, mental health issues, that were passed down to start our timeline drawings. Everyone else was more unsure about their history and the people  in it. Whereas I had met these people and grew up knowing them, but also grew up seeing a few die off every year or two. I mean I do still have one living great grandparent whom I have known all of my life, and had two die in the last like two years.

So my perspective was much different, and more emotionally connected that the other women in group. I wasn't prepared for the emotions and memories that might surface tbh, but I did well and my T reassures me of that. It will just be a process.


I did realize that I am afraid to be emotional and therefore vulnerable in group. Like these are basically strangers to me and that is difficult. Part of me wants to put up my defenses to stay safe, but I know that is an old habit and one that will keep me from healing as much as this group could help me to achieve. So I will continue to take small steps in the trust direction and work on allowing myself to be vulnerable with them,. This too will be a big process for me, and one that is going to be trying at times.


In other news the virtual book club I am helping create is going to start tentatively on the 13th of October. I am really nervous to be heading it tbh, it is a big deal and for a great cause. It makes me nervous to run discussion as I get the sense I am not "far enough along" or not healed enough to run something that is talking about healing trauma and reviewing books with it. I need to have insights and truly be the expert here. The woman who runs the foundation this will be headed under is stoked for it, and is already ordering the book I want to start with so she can participate etc. Like role swap... she has led videos and podcasts that have helped me so much it makes me feel odd to be leading something and having her be excited to participate and see what I do with this project. Odd for my insights and and ideas to be what is creating this.

She thinks it will be a "light in our community, and a great tool for survivors"... no pressure at all there 

So I will take a leap with this too. I am greatly excited about this work, but also so nervous. Hopefully I truly can be that light that people have seen and tried to tell me I am here numerous times

[Elphanigh]

Side note: just like in group I am suddenly the youngest by far... yet again an intimidating factor. I know age doesn't always matter but I feel like it does some here. Like a lot of these people had not started working on their journey when they were my age. How on earth are they supposed to trust my insights on books?

I have so much experience with interpreting all sorts of literature so I know I am capable, but I feel like I have to prove that.

[Elphanigh]

I feel like I have been posting here a lot but a lot of processing has been happening. I do truly think I am in the right space right now in many ways.
1. I am actively working to fix my finances
2. I have a job that is consistent and stable, with people that seem to genuinely care.
3. I am creating a project, with a wonderful organization.
4. My healing is truly my focus, with trauma therapy and group every week.
5. Also am developing my yoga practice in such a beautiful way.

Things feel like a whirlwind sometimes though. I am truly accomplishing so much during the week, and it is a lot. I do also just have the slew of emotions that come with all of the trauma work I am doing. Sometimes it feels like I am trying to take on too much at once, so it is a test of my ability to self care and step back when I need to.

The biggest thing right now is recognizing how much of a habit it is to feel small, and like I am not good enough. It comes up every day and is something I am really working on. I was never told I was good enough, or worthwhile when I was younger. It is a huge piece of the emotional trauma that I went through. I battle self doubt and feelings of just being small every day.

I was labeled worthless, unlovable, damaged,and many other things along those lines far before I truly knew what those things were. I learned that only perfection would make me worth other peoples time and energy. That in order to be seen as good and worthy I needed to be the perfect image of whatever it was that person needed. Whether that be the 4.0 honors student, that was in varsity sports, every theater production, and 6 music ensembles including at the college by age 15... or now the overly efficient office admin, that is great with people, and has unlimited abilities to just do projects on a whim.... or the caring person with a heart of gold who has all the resources she needs to be perfect leadership for a non-profit that just wants to help people heal... or the perfect daughter that is doing things with her life, and has all of her crap together... The pressure to be the perfect human and to fit into whatever role someone needs me to at any given moment is a huge thing for me.

I am learning to not put as much pressure on it, and to recognize I am human but goodness is it difficult to stop trying. It is a force of habit en grained from before I can remember. I have been told I am brilliant, driven, dedicated, and capable of so much. I hear those words and can hardly being to believe them because i see all the imperfections. I see that I am young, and have less experience than those around me. I see that my mind is damaged in its own way because the world wasn't kind to me. That I don't always function at 100 percent because of it. I see the ways I lack, or the ways I am too much still. I see the weight I put on, or the fact I have gone to not wearing much makeup anymore... I recognize the fact my words don't always come out the way I want them to, even though I fully know what I want/ meant to be saying. I note how my anxiety still affects how I interact with the rest of the world.. and the damage that was done to my heart in college...

Sadly I see the life long list of damage that was done... and hear all the words that were said to tell me how nothing positive would ever be true about me.

It is something I need to work on. My perfectionism and I think what is called imposter syndrome, but I am not sure I am using that correctly. I will look into it. Definitely things to process and work on. For now I will try to believe all the kind words I am hearing, and take all the good that is coming into my life as a sign I am not all the bad things that I see. That it means that I am enough as I am... that I don't have to be perfect or better to be loved, and valued.

Just some thoughts I really needed to get onto paper. Not being good enough is a huge fear, and I know it stems from a mess of places. Lots of trauma that locks into that.