Out of the Storm

My other journal was getting obnoxiously long. I am also feeling like this is just a good starting point for a new one. I am settling into a new job, have brand new boundaries, a new home, routine, and just overall outlook on life. I am even starting a different form of EMDR come Monday evening with my T. As always I am excited but nervous for the new adventures.

Short post but I felt the need to do this while I was thinking of it, and maybe a short first post will lead me to less obnoxiously long ones in this journal. Goodness knows I always have lots of words  ;D

Hey, sounds like all sorts of new stuff so right for a new Journal! Mine is also terribly long and often full of very long posts. We are allowed to do that in our own Journals though ;D But I can see the positives of short posts too.

I don't read so many posts on here anymore including yours but it's great to see in two sentences how much progress you're making!  :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: for you.

Hey Blueberry, I am glad it isn't just me that writes long ones in here. It felt time to start another chapter in here so to speak. :) I also don't read as much in here anymore, including yours. I do come by time to time though. I find I don't always have the mental energy to read the journals because I am in so many other places right now.

I am glad the two sentences works to show progress. There has been so much of it in the last coupe of months. It is truly some exponential growth. I am putting in hours of work for it, but glad I am being given the chance to.

so happy for you, you darling you.  great adventures and advances await you, of that i have no doubt.  love you to bits, el. :bighug:

Sweet Elpha,
I always check your journal when I'm on.   :hug:  it does me good to see how you are.  New journal sounds awesome for new adventures.
:bighug:

San and Deep  blue, thank you so much. Sending lots of love to you both  :grouphug:

My new job is going to start training me for a promotion, which is great!  :cheer: However I find my inner critic is telling me I don't deserve it. Lots of "how is it you that they are promoting" " Can you even do the job" etc... I will have a great trainer and I have been at this job for only a month so they must see so much potential to put me in charge of EDI. It is a big job and a marketable skill to have. So here's to a new adventure. I just need to get my inner critic to disappear  :disappear:

Sometimes I wish I could see what everyone else does in me....

maybe that particular inner critic voice could be processed in one of your next sessions.  it sure would be nice for you not to hear or believe it.  i also think that the idea that you can't see in yourself what we all see would also be great for therapeutic exploration.  you've come so far already, and you totally deserve to know what a wondrous person you are.

love and hugs, sweetie.

Maybe, although I really want to dig into the new stuff we are going to start doing. I can't remember what it is called, but it is a form of emdr that goes back to pre-verbal traumas. Now that I am stable with some of my bigger "T" traumas I am excited to dig into some of the early foundations that affected it, especially with the group therapy I am starting in September focusing on inner critic and early traumas. (Eventually into later ones, it is gonna go through a timeline as months go on). I want to have done some of this before stepping into that environment if that makes sense. I will certainly bring it up though.

Thankfully, I have started to have moments where I see what others do. Today has been odd at work, I got news of my promotion, and the new letter came out with my bio in it (they put new people in there as an intro) and everyone has been in awe of my degree and some of my random talents/ aspirations. Including just the fact I want to get my yoga certification, which I feel is so small. Have had people commenting on how cool it is I play seven instruments and things. Which are all things I don't think anything of because once upon a time it was never good enough. None of that stopped the trauma when I thought that being "good enough" would be what stopped the trauma. I have spent enough time processing and know that it was never going to stop it, and that all of those things were more than enough. Objectively, I know I have an impressive skill set and history (especially when someone puts in the fact I was going through so much trauma and still managing all that I did). Looking from the outside in I can see it most of the time.

Sometimes, I even feel it now. Especially in therapy I will have realizations that I am doing things I couldn't have dreamed of a year ago. I am processing things that would have instantly sent me into a flashback 6 months ago, and having very little issue doing so. My T tells me that she sees such hope, because I am so young and have already done so much healing work. In those moments I start to feel it and believe it. I don't get them often though, it is that over achiever mindset that gets me. There is always more to be worked on, and achieved. It is hard to give myself credit and believe all the beautiful things people say about me.

Honestly as much as I heard things like I wasn't enough, or would never be good enough when I was younger, tapping into early traumas might actually bring that up. Matter of fact, after my last session, when I was drawing dots about what was going to be processed in this new venture, I realized that I wasn't wanted as a baby. I was a mistake baby, and I came into the world with parents that were stressed, had no intention of being married but now were, and people that were giving up their dreams because of me. I came into chaos and was immediately not good enough, because my existence was a problem. Pre-abuse, pre-verbal memories, I was already not enough. I was already having bad things instilled in how I viewed myself. The more I think about that the more I think this connection is a good one to get into.  I honestly hadn't put the two together like that until now. Thank you, San, for phrasing your response in a way that allowed me to realize this. It was a mental line I needed to draw between the dots and hadn't. 

Love and hugs right back to you  :hug:

San, sorry if that made no sense. My brain has to wrap around some things. Maybe will post here when they are collected

Hey Elpha,
It made sense to me and I'm guessing it made sense to San too.

You are incredible to me.  I know it's hard to believe it, but you are so amazing. You deserve all the good things that come your way.

I struggle with the same thoughts.  I heard that I deserved the PA and brought it on myself so many times that i believed it.  Its hard to undo that type of brainwashing.
Much love to you

Deep Blue, I am glad it made sense. I always worry that when I have a realization as I am writing that tim won't be clear because I don't need have the chance to think through my words. I love to write and read well written literature or research so it is habit to really think about how I phrase things. In those moments it is just stream of consciousness, therefore, no real concious word choice.

You are very sweet. Those kind words do truly mean a lot.

I too heard I deserved the abuse in the many forms it took, so I grew to believe it. To even believe that I had caused it just by existing. It is hard to undo that, and I am sorry that you have to deal with that to. No one ever deserves that

it made perfect sense to me, sweetie, and i was also hit with a 'wow! - this is a huge connection'. 

i know some people don't believe in pre-verbal or pre-birth trauma, but i know it's a real thing.  i was a forceps baby, and when they were pulling me out of my mother's body, the forceps somehow slipped and cut my face near my left eye, leaving a scar that i still have today.  my mother was sedated (no one did natural childbirth in those days) so not only was i physically wounded before i was born, i didn't have my mother to nurture or soothe me while i must have been in some real physical distress.

so, yeah, it's real, and i'm glad you're getting into it and even that you're already realizing what it's meant for you to start life like that.  that kind of stuff is so big.  and your group next month sounds really interesting.  i don't doubt there will be some extremely interesting lightbulb moments coming out of it.

i completely agree with deep blue.  you are amazing in the truest sense of the word, and deserve only the best.  i love that all your talent and gifts were showcased for your new job.  you are an incredible human being, el, in the best possible ways.  love always, and many hugs whenever needed.

Really glad it made sense dear. I am still kinda processing through that connection. This new emdr goes back to that pre birth trauma. I was skeptical at first hearing about it, but the more I heard and felt connection to it I understand why. I was born not being wanted, but I was also born with my own umbilical cord cutting off my oxygen, had a mark for years. I also had a full adult tooth when I was born that they pulled about an hour after I was born.. apparently lots of blood when that happened (so I have been told). Either way birth was traumatic, and my T is curious about the fact I have spent a lot of my life learning to breathe because when I was born it wasn't no safe to try to get a full breath of air with me coming out being choked by the cord. So might have something to do with it, and the idea of all the stress pre that being anxiety inducing.

I am sorry you had that sort of trauma too. It is good that you recognize the effects of it though. Too many people don't

I am curious. It makes sense but I am not real sure what will come up.

The group will be interesting as well. I will be around others who have somemsimilar trauma and I am interested to see how that will affect me. Lots of lightbulb moments to one for sure.

Thank you for the kind words, they always mean so much to me. One day I hope to full believe them like you do.

This new look at emdr is definitely different and deserving of a fresh journal. We are working at it in the process Sarah Paulsen  created and then wrote in "When there are no words"  which focuses on early attachment traumas. The ins and outs are really interesting if you want to do any reading ( I find any sort of reading on most subjects to be intriguing)

A lot came up as we were clearing the "effective circuits" was really interesting to look at and emotion rather than feel it. To try to objectively see what it looks like in my subconscious. My mind it truly an interesting place. I think it gives me insight and we have at least one more session of doing these before we start into the next section. I might post here about what they looked like at a later time but tonight I need rest a self care. I put myself through a lot with work and just somewhat emotionally taxing session. Emdr is truly great but can be utterly exhausting

So as I wrote before, I started the new form of emdr last night. It was just as intriguing as I had imagined. However, I haven't been able to kick the image I saw for rage last night. The ones I saw for fear and shame were tamer in session. Rage was a hard one to look st though. So I can't unsee it, which is hard because I know it is just a creation of my subconcious. Part of me hurts because I now know just how bad rage looks in my mind. Having a representation of that is difficult.

*trigger warning* small description of the image, not a lot of detail*

I made it to look like an art piece in my head, that is one of the modern looking ones that uses a white background and just connected black lines to make the picture, although mine had some flecks of red.

The image started as a man punching a hole in a door, then the child was near said door. Eventually the man threw a punch at the curled up kid which knocked him over. Laying flat on his stomach and not moving. It further developed but ended up just having the broken door, the laying kid, and the big adult figure with small specs of red within the black lines just looking as angry as I can envsion. Hardly a human look at all...

*end trigger*


Seeing that my subconcious immediately jumped to something so violent and heartbreaking for rage is rough. Super awful. I could tell my T was mildly surprised at it and could see the concern in her eyes at small moments. She is good at masking but not always since it was such a hard subject and she has gone through this particular therapy as well. I am glad she cares and helps me go through this, staying objective was near impossible.

Looking at the emotions rather than feeling them is interesting, and the ground work is the only time we will do that. It makes it less bad in the moment but hard to unsee to say the least. Like it isn't traumatizing or triggering for me just hard to let go of today.

Dearest Elpha,
All i can offer to you is  :hug: :hug:  I wish I had words to help ease your struggles but alas... not today.  So  :hug: :hug: :hug:

Thank you for the  :hug: :hug: I need those this evening. I was okay today but had flashes come up while I was ine my aerial class tonight. Sometimes things come up in yoga but have never had it in my aerial yoga class. Was different.

Anyways just coping with flashes of things triggered feelings tonight. I can't put together what the flashes are yet. *sigh*

Hi Dear Elpha,
I also would like to send you a couple of gentle and supportive hugs  :hug: :hug: - if that's ok.  You are doing some very sensitive work at the moment, and I'd like to send you my best wishes for that - and hope that you are ok.   :grouphug:
Hope  :)

Thank you so much Hope.  :hug: :hug: I am okay, although the hugs and good wishes help a ton.

I managed to kind of sleep off the rest of the trigger from last night. I have been having some flashes for a few days but I was able to notice them and not judge or let them take over. Something about having it come up while I was in a yoga class made it different. Like it invaded one of my very few peaceful, almost sacred, places. I just wasnt prepared for that

love you to bits, you courageous thing, you.  well done!  i know what it takes to begin adventuring in these unknown territories, and it takes a lot of guts as well as a lot of heart and determination. 

lots of hugs filled with strength and hope - this, too, shall pass. 

I empathize with your rage. It is understandable and acceptable. It would be weird if we weren't angry about the things that were done to us; anger is not bad in itself but it may lead to actions that are not in our best interests. However, it may also lead to actions that are in our best interest; like, standing up for ourselves or making necessary changes, if we need to.

This may sound weird, but I accept your rage as normal. I applaud you for looking at the amount of anger you hold.  :cheer: :applause:

San, as always thank you so much for the encouraging words. I feel stronger and much more on top of things today. Finally got some much needed sleep. It has taken a lot to venture into these things but I am excited to continue further, because I am seeing just how much progress I have been making. Lots of hugs right back to you.

Thank you Three Roses! This is not so much the rage I hold as it is what rage looks like to a lot of younger parts of me. Don't get me wrong I hold a lot of anger (I did a lot of processing of it in my other journal that has helped me recognize it and start to process it). I really appreciate you validating that it is "normal" and acceptable. That means a ton as anger is something that has always been really difficult for me.  :hug:

Hi Elph,

I read your journal this morning because of the words of wisdom you offered me several days ago concerning my attitude towards my own start with emdr. Your response to my "no pain, no gain" comment has helped me to do some much needed introspection regarding some of my old coping mechanisms. Those old ways still greatly influence me so many years after it all ended. I bounce back and forth between going numb and bringing pain into my life, often in the form of self-harm, just to feel alive again. Maybe I feel like I need to punish myself for disappearing. I want to learn to invite in a middle way with less extremes.


I admire your courage and tenacity in moving forward. Thanks for being open and honest for yourself and for all of us. That's a great gift to give to the world.


Thank you  :)

Hi Luke, thank you so much for such kind words! I have a lot more about my emdr journey in my last journal if you ever want to read more. It is long though so skik if you ever need it.

I am glad my words could help, it just purely experience with that kind of mindset. I know you will learn to find that middle ground you are looking for, it just takes practice and some kindness towards yourself.

That you for seeing me being open as such a great thing. I am always grateful to have my journey help anyone else

Thanks, Elph. I will check out your last journal and I'll continue to read the updates here. Hope your next session is helpful.

Thanks! My next session is tonight (normally on Mondays but different because of the holiday. I am hopeful it will go as well as the last one

Hi Elpha,
I hope your session was ok.   :hug: to you.
Hope  :)

Hi Hope,

My session was okay, thank you for checking in. I was just headed here to write a bit about it.

We were working through more of the effective circuits this week. It is truly a very intriguing concept. We finished a bunch of the more positive ones and went back to rage which is the one that was so intense for me last time.

It worked through much more fully this week. I didn't get stuck in the loop of how bad it can look. Instead it organically played through to show the lonely side of rage. Became settled and neutral. It feels leagues better. Hoping it stays that way.

I did have a bit of a memory come up during a different bit of processing yesterday that I am just hoping to recognize and let be for the moment. It isn't one I care to remember. Lets just say it involves running through a corn feild right before it should be harvested. I know logically it would have been green but my mind saw it as brown and dried out yesterday.

It becomes more unpleasant but the running is what came up

 :hug:

Thank you Three Roses. I did not know I needed the hug so badly until I saw it. Sitting at work and nearly teared up when I opened the reply.  :hug: I don't normally react quite that way, guess I am still feeling some of it more than I recognized today. It is powerful stuff and I am charging in (carefully) but still rather head first.

I am nervous to comebine this with starting group next week as well. Honestly I am nervous to let that many other people into my past. I know next week will be a get to know you session but it is a scary concept. Knowing I will be the youngest and the only new one of the group is intimidating.

wow - i didn't realize how long it's been since i've visited here.  dang, sweetie.  sorry.

i've been wrapped up in my own crapola the last several days, feel like i can just now come up for air.  want to say that it sounds like you are making some fantastic progress - again, all credit for your courage to tackle this stuff.  i love what your t is helping you with.  sounds like it's right on the money for you. 

ems will be with you when you go to that group, reminding you just how strong and wonderful you are, and of your light that continues to shine ever more brightly day by day.  maybe you can find a token to take with you to remind you she's there.  just a thought. 

sending love and a hug filled with everything you need (if it helps, maybe you can actually list that),  to make it thru.  you deserve all the support for this venture you can get.    also, wild asters are in bloom - such a lovely periwinkle color - and i'm sending you a bouquet, or a few for your hair.  take your pick, or have both.  there are plenty.

Oh sweet San, I don't expect you to come here when you are working through so much. I am always grateful to see a reply though. You always bring understanding, encouragement and kind words.  :hug: I really hope things start to clear and feel easier for you soon.

I will take ems with me, I have a few things that remind me of her at this point. I also recognize that my T is running group and I trust her more than I think I I have ever truly trust a single individual with this crapola as you would put it. Hopefully that light will shine through and I can see other people accept my past as it is. I think that is what I fear most is that someone won't accept my past as is. That it will be questioned or not believed as a whole. It is scary to risk that.

I love those flowers. I am going to put some in a vase in my room and then a few in my hair. I did a pretty, soft, braided up do today that is perfect to add flowers to.  :hug:

Oh as far as things I need.. I think I need extra courage, some reassurance for younger me, and just warmth that will remind me it is all okay even when I am a bit scared.

Just remember sweet flashlight,

Your courage is within you. You have overcome so much already. You are so strong dearie.  Tell younger you we are standing with her.   :hug: We love you. :grouphug:

Thank you dear. I don't think I will ever get used to being called flashlight, it is so beautiful and meaningful. It warms my heart every time I see it. Reminds me to have a little more faith, to look inside and remember I have so much more than I give myself credit for.

Love you too dear friend  :hug:

I said to myself the words "I feel happy and healthy", and I meant them. It was such a beautiful realization that I do indeed feels those things some days. That my level of functioning and ability to just be has grown so very much in the past year, and truly in the last six months. Also my yoga practice has grown into something I do nearly every day, this was something I wanted to cultivate and have now done so. I may not do my hour and a half every day but I do something every day. It has become a part of my healing work much like my emdr has. Interesting how something like that can happen. I love sharing my practice with others, but it is ultimately a very personal practice as well. Anyways, I could talk about yoga for days.i love it and am pretty certain I will be taking my teacher training class next year. Spending this year cultivating my practice and saving up for it.


I start group this week on Tuesday night. I am nervous but very curious about how it will go. I am hopeful it will be healing to be around others with experiences like my own, just always nervous of trusting others.  :disappear:

Hi Elph,

"I feel happy and healthy." That's so cool to hear you say that! From what I've read, you've done a lot of excruciating and hard work to get where you are today. You certainly deserve all the happiness that comes your way.

Yoga has been a savior for me also. It helps me to calm myself and stay centered in my body, at least for a little while anyway. It gives me a good break from anxiety and dissociation - my two main nemesis.

Good luck with group. I bet you'll gain a lot from it and become a valuable asset to the other members.

Luke

Hi Luke,

Thank you. I have done a lot of excruciatingly hard work, that is very true. Has been several years in the making. I don't feel all this way but it is possible for me now, at one point it wasn't possible and I didn't believe it ever would be. I am glad yoga has been a savior for you as well. I find it a great help with my anxiety and discociation as well. I also find it a good balance between very calming/reassuring, and very energizing/empowering.

I have hopes for group as well, might pick my T's brain a bit about it tomorrow so I feel more comfortable going into it on Tuesday. It is going to be a new experience and hopefully leg of recovery.

 :bighug: to embrace you as you enter your group tomorrow.  lots of love surrounds you, too.

Thank you so much dear  :hug: I will try to post about how it goes tomorrow night, or earlier Wednesday depending on where my energy is at. I am both excited and super nervous about it. Hopefully it will be a good welcoming group, my T assures me it is. I trust her and know her office to be safe so I am jumping in despite some of the fear that goes along with it.  :hug:

Not even truly sure where to start this morning, just certain that I want to write something.  :Idunno:

We got to the first real session of this new emdr. We had done all the clearing and prep work, so the real work began yesterday. I knew it would be powerful just from the affect the prep work had been having on me, but I had no idea just what it would feel like to do the "real" work. I still have yet to cry in my T's office and I have been seeing her for the better part of a year and a half now. I trust her it just has never been something that fully happened. I have felt like crying but never actually got to that point. Yesterday I came closer than I ever have.

We started with the things I know about before I was conceived, and what I would have needed to be different. There is a lot, I wanted my parents to be responsible, and to want me. I needed them to focus on their schooling, and stop drinking/partying so I could have a safe warm space. I needed to be prepared for, to have them have a plan to be together and to raise a kid. That was powerful but not as much as so of the things I envisioned needing around the time they found out I was conceived.

I again wanted to be wanted, to have a family that was excited to have me. Parents that were happy, and grandparents that could celebrate me. I had neither of those things. I have heard a lot about that time, it is chaotic and loud from what I have heard. No one was particularly happy and I was resented in a lot of ways. I was a problem to be dealt with not a child to be cherished. I also really needed my mom to be safe. My biggest need was for my uncle to be far away, we decided to send him to japan, at least in the good healing version of this. Which led to some more of the physical processing. my T holds a giant pillow and tells me I can push her however feels safe. I am getting better at it, but it is always a massive release and helps me become unstuck when regarding boundary things like this.

Sitting there unstuck, realizing all of the things I needed I was just struck by grief. Like it was finally safe to feel the grief that has been there basically forever. I have gotten in touch with many emotions, sadness, anger, etc... but true grief is something I have never really been able to sit with for very long. It was so strong an emotion to sit in, and just feel last night. Having a safe enough space to do so and the ability to stay grounded enough to do so is huge for me. Previously grief would take over and I would either cut it off and go along my day, or it would control me for who knows how long. It was not a safe emotion to feel, because I did not know how to cope with it. Now though I could sit and feel it without losing track of myself. I also could allow myself to hurt rather than run from it. Just thinking about it now brings bits of it back, I think it will be processing through for a few more days tbh. This process will likely help me learn to sit in and deal with my own grief. I have an unimaginable number of things I have every right to grieve over and never have. Will take it in small chunks as it comes I guess. For now I grieve all the needs that weren't met before I even truly existed in this world. All the things that would have set me up to have a better chance at a better life.

I did not take much stock in the idea of pre-verbal trauma until I started working with it, and now that I have truly started work with it I will not discount its value ever again. I went for a run this morning, and had energy like I haven't had in months. This processing is working, and the safe place work that goes with it is helping my energy because it is not constantly being drained from hyper vigilance and just general high levels of anxiety every second of the day.

I also had major realizations driving home last night that make me so much kinder towards teenage me. I spent a lot of time reaching out and oversharing when I was in high school. I overwhelmed a couple of friends and it really sent me reeling into depression. At the time I believed there was something inherently wrong with me, that because of my trauma I was truly unlovable and that no one could ever truly know my story and still love me. I thought I was something to be handled and dealt with. That my past was like a poison on anyone I shared it with. I recognize that is not at all true. I was young and scared. I needed help and reached out to the only people I knew I could trust. The adults in my life weren't safe, that had been proven time and time again.. so I reached out desperately for any sign of hope and help I could get. That was brave and strong of me, not weak and unwise. I just didn't have all the information I needed or safe people to reach out to. I was doing the best I could with what I had. I was fighting and looking for a better way to fight, I now have that better way to fight. Nearly 8 years later I have a way to fight, and am thriving on it. That girl was trying so hard, and I applaud her for that because it means I got here. I have always hated that section of my life, because I floundered on all of this, and there was so much drama and it was unhealthy etc.. but I was trying and I see that now. I was fighting harder than I had given myself credit for. I can be kind when I look back now and see it for what it was. Not me being unlovable or weak.. instead me begin strong enough to try to find help and using what tools I had. One stepping stone in the right direction.

I am emotional pretty drained. but that is okay. I am learning a lot and doing the work. Hopefully it will just cause even more healing as I go. Tonight starts group and I am ready for the new adventure. Nothing like plunging in two days in a row. I have a restorative yin class scheduled Wednesday so I can make sure to give my body and mind the rest and recoup it will need after all of this.

This is wordy and jumbled, so thank you if you made it to the end of all of that.

Read every word.  :hug:❤️ :hug:

Than you for taking the time to read it and letting me know Three Roses  :hug: ♥️ means the world to know

I read it all too, Elph. And I think I actually understood it all.  :)

I really like what you said about your teenager. How she "got you here." That's something I want to keep in mind for myself, so I can be thankful to all my younger parts.

Looking forward to hearing how group went.

Luke

Thanks Luke57, I am really glad it us helpful for you as well.

Honestly I am down and out this morning but hopefully this evening I will feel up to posting about group. For the moment though headed to the porch to rest

you are so beautiful, so wonderfully insightful, and so courageously willing to explore all these parts, see them with new eyes, and change your perspective for the better.  all credit to you (yep, i read it all - thanks for sharing this marvelous part of your journey).   your light continues to shine even brighter.

sending love and support all over the place.

San, thank you for your kind words. They are truly reassuring this morning.  The new insights are great just a lot for my mind I think. My nightmares took a bad spin last night so I woke up frozen and not sure where I was. It is slowly improving just having to be kind to myself even though it is hard.

I hate when I have bad days like this, as I have come so far. It hurts to feel so frozen and defeated by my symptoms. Couldn't even manage to drive to work this morning. My roommate made me think wiser of it thankfully. It would have gone poorly

I am needing to remember that one bad day doesn't undo all the progress I have made. It simply shows me what I can work on next. It reminds me that my Cptsd is still a very real thing l even if I really don't want that reminder,

I have had a big few days recovery wise and that is understandably hard on me. My mind was/is still processing some huge things and that puts me on some more unstable ground until I have wrapped around all of it. Having a big emdr session and set of realizations the day before having my first group session was a lot. It is a lot of new and emotionally packed stuff for me to handle and of course my subconscious would put that into my dreams.

I was really hard on myself this morning, hating my mental health issues... hating that I could just be normal. Wishing for one second I could be stronger or better at this. It is definitely not the first and probably not the last time I will ever think those things to myself. But they just cause more shame and panic. Which goes right into the freeze response I get sometimes. I froze this morning, and couldn't find the right thing to get me out of it, but I reached for help anddid do things that helped it some. I just couldn't magically cure it like I wished I could do. I still can't cure it but I am resting and getting better.




Group was good last night, all of the women were welcoming and it feels like it will be a supportive environment. I was quiet but slowly worked on chatting with everyone and finding my voice in the group. I am curious how it will go. I am the youngest and the only entirely new person so it is a little intimidating but they all went out of the way to ensure I felt welcomed and like they wanted to get to know me.

That being said group was what my nightmare was about that has me so frozen today. It was a different set of people but still my Ts office, but my M was in the group and that is obviously very unsafe for every version of me. But my current T was encouraging it in this dream. It was just a lot of emotionally scary things... that ended up making me wake up shaking and not really knowing where I was for a bit.

I think there is some younger part of me that is scared group isn't safe, and that knows I will be seeing my family in a month and that is scary too.

Going to stop this one here, I know it is a bit long and my mind feels more scattered so I will come back as needed

Feeling a bit stronger today. I am still pretty tired from the big trigger, but I am bouncing back. Just enjoying some coffee before work. I think there was a lot in my trigger that I wasn't recognizing. My younger B is in the path of the hurricane because he is in basic training for the army, my parents are going to Hawaii soon which is also towards the storm. I am safe away from both of those things which is great.

Group definitely was part of it. I think my younger parts are jut scared of it, nervous of letting people in because people older than me have always failed them. Some of the women are the age of my M so I think they drew that association before I realized it.

Then Monday just stirred the emotional pot, so it was a lot to be processed. I am not sure exactly which part of everything that I was working with hit like a giant trigger but there were a lot of moving pieces. Something like this used to knock me out for a week or two, however I am stronger now. I still feel like it has really knocked me back but I am functional now. Hopefully that sticks. Sometimes the stress of work reverses progress. Hopefully that isn't the case now.

QuoteSomething like this used to knock me out for a week or two, however I am stronger now. I still feel like it has really knocked me back but I am functional now.

Yes, you sound stronger.  :cheer:

Just wanted you to know that I'm reading and I understand.  :hug:

Thank you, Three Roses. It is good  to hear someone sees that. :hug:

Thank you Deep Blue  :hug:

I am at work this morning, just trying my best to stay present and get things done. It will be a slower day but I am here. Thankfully, the character of this new job is true to my first impressions of it. They all have just wanted to make sure I was okay. The person my absence most affected was just glad I took the time I needed and gave me an affectionate rub on the shoulder to reassure me it was okay. She just cared to check on me as a person, not a word about anything that I missed or needed to make up. It has been a very kind morning of people just glad I am okay and back. Definitely not like jobs I have had previously. This place doesn't even dig into what happened, they have let me have my space to say if I want but aren't requiring any answers. It is a good environment.

My roommate sent me with a stuffed lion we used to pass around in college. We named him Felix several years ago, and we always gave him to someone that needed a little extra support and they would pass him to someone else when they were ready. He is sitting on my desk, keeping me company, and reminding me to breathe. One small step at a time today

Wow the lion is such a lovely gesture! I have a friend that sells necklaces and you give them to someone in need and continue to pass them on.

I like the lion though... can I borrow that? I think some of my friends need a gesture like that

Depp Blue, you can certainly borrow that. It is a thing I have always been grateful for.  :hug:

I feel like a list of my symptoms today.. I feel like my cptsd, not like a person. I know that isn't true, but it feels it today. All I can feel and see is the symptoms I am trying to hard to fight this afternoon. I have permission to leave work if I need to but goodness, I don't want to do that. I am stronger than all of the things that come with my cptsd. It is hard to admit defeat sometimes. I don't want to be my symptoms. I am normally so good, and able to fully cope with them. It has been a very long road to get there, so feeling so far knocked down is more difficult that I know how to voice.

Feeling like I am just the ball of anxiety, and dissociation is awful. I can barely eat, and focus because all I want to do is run and hide. I hate my cptsd so much some days, which is almost like hating myself because it is a part of me that I won't ever fully be rid of. I may be better but there isn't some magical cure for this.  I feel like I am trying and failing today, so I just wish to be normal for like 3 more hours... but I won't get that chance  :fallingbricks:

 :hug: :hug: Can Felix help you?

Good reminder, thank you Blueberry  :hug:

Ended up leaving work, with my boss being really kind about it. Not used to someone being so caring about me as a person and not just as an employee.

Sitting in the park soaking up some fresh air should help

Day three of this junk, but I feel more of myself than I have in days. Thank you all for besring with me as I processed this. In hindsight probably should not have posted so much.

Anyways I had to take my roommate to the ER this morning, am finally sitting at home watching her almost asleep. Then it will be time for some self care while she sleeps.

I didn't get retriggered by the hospital which is a good sign of me gaining stability again. Hopefully it sticks. I need to be on top of my game for work next week... I have basically missed half a week for vsrious things. And my boss is kind but I don't want to push those limits any.

Will be on the porch if anyone needs me today

I hope your roommate is ok. 

I'm glad to hear that you are feeling more like yourself today.   :hug: it's been a tough week on you for sure.  I hope you can get some rest this weekend and recharge your battery for work next week.

She is okay. Has loys of medicine in her system at this point. I am just her kind of as an incase of emergency person today.

It feels nice to be more myself today. This week was a really difficult one. I do plan to rest and do lots of yoga this weekend to rest and fully ground myself before next week. I might try for an easier Monday session with my Tm not reallt feeling like I can open another big one yet

sending love and a giant embrace for all you're going thru, sweetie.  i'll probably join you on the porch later.  i'm going to send that letter to my ex in a few minutes, and i'll need the porch.  got some wild blackberries yesterday that i'll bring to share.  love you, doll. 

I love wild blackberries! Can't wait to share them. I started writing a letter to my mom (see letter board), but unlike you I am not sure I will ever be brave enough to send it. I am so proud of you getting out the things you need to.

Hugs and lots of love to you dear sister  :hug:

Thank you to everyone allowing me to be heard this week. It was a tough one, and parts of me just needed to be loud and acknowledged. I wasn't doing so great at acknowledging them in all of the panic, so thank you for being an outlet or that. I do feel like myself today, went and got groceries and also enjoyed a game night with a few friends. Just what I needed. Feeling human again is tremendous and I am grateful for it.

Obviously I have a lot to process. I had a moment in session on Monday where I envisioned telling my M, and having her react the way I need her to. I noticed it and moved in because we were working on earlier trauma, so I didn't feel the need to mention it. It isn't the first time I have thought about it, and it certainly won't be the last. Maybe one day I will actually tell her or write her and actually give it to her. But I also may process things and stop feeling the need for her to know. Whichever it ends up being will be okay, and it will be what I need. I think my needing to be heard this week was definitely attached to this. I need to explore it, and as much as the early trauma bits are really powerful I do need to stabilize this bit.

My nightmare may have also had to do with that. The group I was in during the dream wasn't not a place I could be heard, or be true to myself. Then I was being betrayed and silenced by adults whom I trust again. So maybe it wasn't entirely group that triggered it, although definitely a part of it. There is a lot of underlying emotions going on here. I will go back and write more of my letter to my M tomorrow. I can note how healing it was already for me.

Well I ended my weekend with a restorative yoga class last night, and then woke up and went to an energizing class this morning before sunrise. Always grateful for the way my yoga practice works to heal all parts of me. It means I finally feel human and fully like myself today at work. My coworkers are kinder than I could have ever imagined for me working her only about 6 weeks. Everyone just wanted to check on me this morning and ensure I was doing better, even though only one of them knows what was going on. Very sweet of them to make sure that I have it all sorted out, and to be told I was so missed from the office. It is a caring environment and one I am more grateful to have every day.

I have my normal therapy session tonight, and tbh am really nervous about it. Which in itself is probably a good emotion to explore. After all that happened last week and not being able to get a hold of my T when I was so far down, of course I am a bit  apprehensive to go in tonight. I don't want a repeat of last week. I am dedicated to this healing journey though, and one set back doesn't erase months of progress I have made in that office. I do think I plan to let her read the start of what I wrote to my M (not to be sent) but I think that letter is important for her to know things in it. We will see though. There is certainly a mass amount of things to process. I think my need to be heard is probably the biggest this week though. Some part of me was certainly doing some kicking and screaming, and I was not prepared to deal with it.

In other exciting news, I began volunteering for the cptsd foundation and am working on creating some great resources for them as well as a book club I will be running come late to mid october. It has been amazing to spend the weekend brainstorming with people that have given me so much, and to be able to give back to the trauma survivor community as a whole in a way that allows me to be creative and use my passions. It is a highlight in all of the crazy that happened

wow.  and more wow.  as they say, you've come a long way, baby.  i'm so proud of you for speaking up, writing what you need to write, and continuing to explore.  take your time - you've definitely earned that. 

it also sounded waaaay good that you're feeling more like yourself at last.  and congrats on your volunteer work.  very cool, my dear.  i hope your session goes well, and you can get some of what you went thru processed.  and i'm so glad for you that your yoga helps you so much.  i just love it, and love you.    :bighug:

Awe, San, I always love the way you point out how far I have come and it makes me look at it with new eyes. In the thick of it all it is truly hard to see. I am going to working on writing a physical version of the letter to my M, and tuck it away for safe keeping. It is an ide I had at the end of my session, so the words would have a safe place to exist, but also only be read if I wanted them to.


I spent my session being heard which was great. I needed that. Ended up being almost an hour and a half long session. I got so much of the junk out. I don't really want to get into it yet because I am just enjoying the feeling of having it our for now. The lightness that feels better.

Group is tomorrow night, and I got to talk about it some which I needed. I feel more steady about going. She did also mention that if/when I feel safe and comfortable that we could do a group or at least part of a group where I got to play out telling my mom in whatever way felt right. Then have what apparently is called a Magic moment, where whoever was playing my M gets to give me the reaction I need from my M. I am curious about it. If tomorrow felt safe she would let me do so then, but I don't know the group enough to do that yet. I think that will one day be a thing I do but I could not yet fully voice it to my T let alone a group. One day though

For now my T gave me a lot of the validation and understanding I needed today. She is great at that, and just very understanding.

I let her read the letter I wrote and she did well to cover enough of her reaction but was as honest as I needed her to be in the moment which I really appreciate.

Either way very healing and now I want rest.

So many things stick with me about my session last night. One my T validated just how much I went through. I mean she has done this before but it was very powerful last night. She said something along the lines of "you survived your own personal holocaust" then went on to say just how much I went through and how horrific the things I survived were. I knew she does not relate it to that historical event lightly and means not offense or anything of that sort using that phrase. It is just what came to her mind and has stuck with me. There were a lot of part of me and even my adult self that just needed to be heard and recognized for all that they went through and all that they did to survive it. I went through many versions of * and came out as a kind functioning person, and that is huge.


She also validated my eating disorder. It is the first time I have specifically talked about that portion of my life with her in such detail. Talking about my teenage years was something I needed to do last night and it was a good chance for her to learn more about me and about things my family did. Having her validate the eating disorder as such was good for me. It is something I knew but had never had anyone say yes, that is considered an eating disorder. There is something powerful about having someone recognize it as it is, to call it an ED gives it importance. Which I knew it was important but have always wondered if I had just been making too much of it. So knowing I didn't and it is actually something helps.

I felt very validated and heard last night. She asked questions and made me think about things that I was saying, but did also allow me to get out some of the junk that was stuck and just going in circles in my mind. It was what I needed, more than emdr or anything specific. I just needed a good talk session, and am grateful my T is wonderful at those and not stuck in a task oriented mindset of having to do the thing we are most focusing on.

Anyways I feel like I will keep drawing some new insights as I go, but I feel prepared for group tonight and just reassured that her office is a safe space for me.  :hug:

sweet el,  i've been involved in some of those 'magic moments' and they are powerful, indeed.  truly wonderful.  very healing. 

i'd had a situation when i was a teen where i needed my mom, but she just wasn't there for me at all.  i'd gone thru all kinds of therapy about it over the years, but the pain never went away until finally, in my 60's, i was getting counseling from a woman who was able to give me that 'magic moment'.  it was miraculous, truly.

just telling you this to let you know i believe in the validity of it.  when you're ready, of course - not trying to pressure you. 

ems will be with you when you go to group tonite, watching over you and keeping you safe in her loving, grounding embrace.

i'll be there in spirit, right by your side for strength and support if you need/want it.

sending much love and a big hug filled with happiness for you that you finally feel heard, acknowledged, and validated.  well done to your t.  sounds like she nailed it.

San, I am really glad to hear from someone that has experience with those magic moments. It is great to know that they are truly very healing, and I look forward to the day I am ready to try that. I know you wouldn't pressure me, nor would my T, but it sounds like you both are in agreement it would be a good healing thing for me. I think it will be in my own time certainly. Just need to get to a point where I trust the group enough to allow that to happen.

My T did really nail it on the head, as she often does. Her years of experience and then just the fact she has been seeing me for a year and half really shows. I am also getting better at voicing what I need, which is helping too because she isn't having to guess or read into it all the time. She does read into it well but helps if I can say the words " I need to be heard" or voice the fact that I wish I had a parent that was more useful... That wound is still pretty raw today but I got a lot out of it.

Lots of love to you always  :hug:

I will bring my stone that reminds me of ems with me tonight, as well as some warm tea. I have a mug that keeps drinks warm for multiple hours so I think having something will be helpful as a comfort thing today.

Thank you for always being with me in spirit when I need/want. It is amazing how much just that reminder does for me. Feeling loved and important is something I am so grateful for, especially this week. It is what so much of me has needed and I am lucky enough to be getting it from multiple sources

With you in spirit too sweetie.  :hug:

I'm so happy for your moment and I want to commend you on noting it here.

Thank you for being with me Deep Blue  :hug: All the support from here is so invaluable to me. It truly means the world  :hug:

Monday and Tuesday nights both went well. I am feeling some of the emotions but I have been able to get a lot out which is great. Group went much better, although I realized just how odd it is that I have known all but one of set of my great grandparents well. We were doing a lineage drawing for different addictions diseases, mental health issues, that were passed down to start our timeline drawings. Everyone else was more unsure about their history and the people  in it. Whereas I had met these people and grew up knowing them, but also grew up seeing a few die off every year or two. I mean I do still have one living great grandparent whom I have known all of my life, and had two die in the last like two years.

So my perspective was much different, and more emotionally connected that the other women in group. I wasn't prepared for the emotions and memories that might surface tbh, but I did well and my T reassures me of that. It will just be a process.


I did realize that I am afraid to be emotional and therefore vulnerable in group. Like these are basically strangers to me and that is difficult. Part of me wants to put up my defenses to stay safe, but I know that is an old habit and one that will keep me from healing as much as this group could help me to achieve. So I will continue to take small steps in the trust direction and work on allowing myself to be vulnerable with them,. This too will be a big process for me, and one that is going to be trying at times.


In other news the virtual book club I am helping create is going to start tentatively on the 13th of October. I am really nervous to be heading it tbh, it is a big deal and for a great cause. It makes me nervous to run discussion as I get the sense I am not "far enough along" or not healed enough to run something that is talking about healing trauma and reviewing books with it. I need to have insights and truly be the expert here. The woman who runs the foundation this will be headed under is stoked for it, and is already ordering the book I want to start with so she can participate etc. Like role swap... she has led videos and podcasts that have helped me so much it makes me feel odd to be leading something and having her be excited to participate and see what I do with this project. Odd for my insights and and ideas to be what is creating this.

She thinks it will be a "light in our community, and a great tool for survivors"... no pressure at all there  :spooked:

So I will take a leap with this too. I am greatly excited about this work, but also so nervous. Hopefully I truly can be that light that people have seen and tried to tell me I am here numerous times

Side note: just like in group I am suddenly the youngest by far... yet again an intimidating factor. I know age doesn't always matter but I feel like it does some here. Like a lot of these people had not started working on their journey when they were my age. How on earth are they supposed to trust my insights on books?

I have so much experience with interpreting all sorts of literature so I know I am capable, but I feel like I have to prove that.

I feel like I have been posting here a lot but a lot of processing has been happening. I do truly think I am in the right space right now in many ways.
1. I am actively working to fix my finances
2. I have a job that is consistent and stable, with people that seem to genuinely care.
3. I am creating a project, with a wonderful organization.
4. My healing is truly my focus, with trauma therapy and group every week.
5. Also am developing my yoga practice in such a beautiful way.

Things feel like a whirlwind sometimes though. I am truly accomplishing so much during the week, and it is a lot. I do also just have the slew of emotions that come with all of the trauma work I am doing. Sometimes it feels like I am trying to take on too much at once, so it is a test of my ability to self care and step back when I need to.

The biggest thing right now is recognizing how much of a habit it is to feel small, and like I am not good enough. It comes up every day and is something I am really working on. I was never told I was good enough, or worthwhile when I was younger. It is a huge piece of the emotional trauma that I went through. I battle self doubt and feelings of just being small every day.

I was labeled worthless, unlovable, damaged,and many other things along those lines far before I truly knew what those things were. I learned that only perfection would make me worth other peoples time and energy. That in order to be seen as good and worthy I needed to be the perfect image of whatever it was that person needed. Whether that be the 4.0 honors student, that was in varsity sports, every theater production, and 6 music ensembles including at the college by age 15... or now the overly efficient office admin, that is great with people, and has unlimited abilities to just do projects on a whim.... or the caring person with a heart of gold who has all the resources she needs to be perfect leadership for a non-profit that just wants to help people heal... or the perfect daughter that is doing things with her life, and has all of her crap together... The pressure to be the perfect human and to fit into whatever role someone needs me to at any given moment is a huge thing for me.

I am learning to not put as much pressure on it, and to recognize I am human but goodness is it difficult to stop trying. It is a force of habit en grained from before I can remember. I have been told I am brilliant, driven, dedicated, and capable of so much. I hear those words and can hardly being to believe them because i see all the imperfections. I see that I am young, and have less experience than those around me. I see that my mind is damaged in its own way because the world wasn't kind to me. That I don't always function at 100 percent because of it. I see the ways I lack, or the ways I am too much still. I see the weight I put on, or the fact I have gone to not wearing much makeup anymore... I recognize the fact my words don't always come out the way I want them to, even though I fully know what I want/ meant to be saying. I note how my anxiety still affects how I interact with the rest of the world.. and the damage that was done to my heart in college...

Sadly I see the life long list of damage that was done... and hear all the words that were said to tell me how nothing positive would ever be true about me.

It is something I need to work on. My perfectionism and I think what is called imposter syndrome, but I am not sure I am using that correctly. I will look into it. Definitely things to process and work on. For now I will try to believe all the kind words I am hearing, and take all the good that is coming into my life as a sign I am not all the bad things that I see. That it means that I am enough as I am... that I don't have to be perfect or better to be loved, and valued.

Just some thoughts I really needed to get onto paper. Not being good enough is a huge fear, and I know it stems from a mess of places. Lots of trauma that locks into that.

Wow sweetie,
What a whirlwind in a week! You had a rough nightmare about the new group, you had problems with your roommate and took a few days off work.

And look at you flashlight!!! You shown your light straight through it all! You came out on the other side this week with so much self analysis and growth.  You should be proud of that.  I'm proud of you for that.  Yes, growth is a process, but rest assured I see it from you all the time.  :hug:

Deep blue,  :hug: :hug: :hug:

Your words are so wonderful today. You are right I got through the rough week and have come back with tons of self analysis and hopefully growth. I forget sometimes how the bad weeks can lead to huge leaps forward in recovery. I needed the reminder. I noted the processing but had not connected them or really seen it as growth yet. Your perspective is alway so helpful.

Also so glad to hear you see if from me all the time. It is something I am trying so hard to do and am glad that shows.  :hug:

I finally cried last night, it had been a week since the worst of my trigger had started and I hadn't cried yet. Last night I found that I was crying for the little girl that was never seen, heard, or saved. For all the care free days that I didn't get to have, and all the trust/love I never learned to have. I cried for the little girl who didn't know what she was worth because the standards placed on her, and the evil people that told her she would never be enough...that she would never be lovable.

I cried for her because there were adults all around that could have helped, and could have changed things for her but were so far in denial that they didn't do anything. Parents that fought or drank.. so they never saw her unless she was doing something perfectly. Teachers that saw my perfect grades and assumed that my other weird behaviors were justquirks that's would go away. Even people that she told the truth to that ignored it and never did anything. She could have been rescued and wasn't. They chose not to save her.

There were probably tears for adult me too, ones for all the undo stress of trying to be perfect even now. That through multiple years of trauma recovery I still forget that I am worthwhile even if I am not perfect. For the part of me that hasn't played music in a solid two months because my perfectionism creeped in a told me I wasn't good enough to be playing. I wasn't perfect and shouldn't be heard... goodness that runs deep.

Being heard and seen it, I think, the biggest thing for me to process right now. That and the ever lurking perfectionism

Sweetie,
I always wish I could turn back time for you and be the teacher that stepped in.  I hate when youngins fall through the cracks.

Sending little you a  :hug:  I find the quirky students the most endearing

Deep Blue, you would have been the best teacher I ever had. I loved my teachers when I was growing up, because I loved school. It was also one of the only places I was truly worthwhile, at least from what little me could tell, because I was good at it. Perfect grades and awards came easily for me, so I was finally getting good happy attention. What adult me realizes is that I was only good and cared for as a number, not as a person. Had they cared about me as a person someone would have stepped in, despite the idea it might crash my grades.

Thank you for wishing you could have stepped in back then. It warms my heart, and honestly helps little me to imagine you doing just that for her.

Hugs  :hug: :hug:

my darling el,

i'm so glad you were finally able to shed those tears, release the toxins that had been inside for so long because of the horrors you had to go thru for not being listened to, not being heard.  i thank everything that's wonderful that you are you, just the way you are.  absolutely good enough in every way, shape, and form.

i do hope you can get back to the music you love soon.  i know what it means to you, what it does for you, how it refreshes and lifts your spirit.  you've gone thru so much, worked so hard - you have only ever deserved love and care.  yours is a beautiful soul.

much love always.  ems embraces you, holds you, listens and hears while comforting you.  she is a given in your life. 

Dearest San,

Honestly that made me tear up a little, think there are still some more tears to shed. Not at work, and not until late tonight as I don't have anytime to do so until then. But as easily as I felt them come to the corner of my eyes just reading your kind words, I know there will be more. Thank you for for being glad I am me, just as I am and never asking or expecting more than that. I am learning to be okay with it because I have people like you that accept and love me as I am.

I hope I can get back to the music as well. It means a lot to me, and was a source of good in my life for so long. I do still sing in my car and around the house, it is something I have gotten back in my life over the recent months. It is a piece of music I do have in my life and love to have. My playing, maybe not in the same place but maybe one day. It doesn't help that my time is taken by so many other things. I gravitate towards spending my free time on yoga, or reading, or the projects I am putting together rather than spending them on my music. Probably because playing still hurts to an extent.

It astounds me to hear the kind words and recognition of all that I went through and the hard work that took. Hearing that I only deserved love and care is hard to hear but also beautiful. It just saddens me because I heard so little of it, and I know that hearing it now will never change what was. It can help me heal but it can't save the little girl or change the memories I have, nothing ever will. *sigh* I definitely have more grieving to do. I have been hitting more feelings of grief recently. I think I am finally at a point I will start feeling and processing grief rather than running away from it. I am not really sure how to sit with it but I am learning.

Sending all the love right back to you, dear friend. I will stay with ems today, with her gentle reminders and comforts. Good to know there is always someone who can listen and see me for me.

I wanted to write some realizations down from after my session so I don't forget. I am not ready to do a full run down of my session but don't want to lose some of my thoughts.

I realized that I was exhausted still from Friday and Saturday at work because my serving job, especially when it is crazy busy like art fair means it is, becomes a survival mode thing for me,. I instinctively turn on the part of me that can function at such a high level under immense pressure and look like it is effortless. It is a skill I used as a kid and even just into college that helped me function. It is a very well learned and seasoned survival tool.

It is one that exhausts me after prolonged, and really any, use of it. So of course I would be tired, even if going into that mode wasn't intentional. That the background emotions would create a tired that sleep and healthy amounts of detox the day after wouldn't fit. I needed to emotional stabilize and come down, not just to physically do those things. I didn't recognize that my mind also needed tending to, because I didn't fully realize I had used that mode to get through the weekend. I forget sometimes that I do that without even thinking.

I went into it because the pressure of working for long hours, without a break, and just in a constant state of motion and over activity that serving requires. Especially at a plac that needs me to be on top of my game every second of it.

Little me did that to accomplish so much, and look so picture perfect on the surface. It is more of the perfectionist and worth issues coming to light. Lots to process there. But now I have energy and all the gunk cleared, emdr did some real good today to create a new sense of calm and safety that's I haven't been able to tap into before. It was the reset my body needed.

I will come back later and talk about it more, but I know that will require talking about my uncle and I am not ready to do that yet.

Okay, I am slowly going to write this post and see what feels safe to put into words here. Also potential *Trigger warning* for some mentions of violence/SA


My uncle.. *insert giant sigh*, actually lets start with my session. We went back to the pre-verbal trauma emdr I have been doing, this time focusing around the time my M was pregnant with me. A few things happened during that time that needed healing, and focused on. One was that my Great grand father on my dads side died early in my mom's pregnancy. I needed him to know I loved him even though I had never gotten to meet him, I am not entirely certain why that came up but it did and I am working on not judging it. The other thing that came with that was wanting my M to slow down and focus on her baby instead of trying to mend everyone else, and causing stress in the process. I needed calm and quiet (this has been a them with the processing of all the early stuff).

Now the next thing that came up (not the first time my uncle has edged his way into this early trauma process) is that I need my dad to protect me and my M from my uncle. I have heard this story (never from my M) about her brother hitting her in the stomach when she was in the third trimester with me. Obviously I need that to have not happened. For my D to have stepped in and stopped the situation peacefully and made it safe for us. I envisioned this basically clear shield or force field around us that kept us safe from harm, and kept everything quiet. It really helped to create a sense of safety and warmth. Which is what this processing is meant to do. It is meant to repair and allow the feelings that I deserved/needed to have growing up to occur, by imagining them doing what they needed to do. It is interesting to realize that I have feelings about things surrounding my mom's pregnancy. It is not something I had imagined would exist but they do, and the sense of calm I have after getting to feel like I am resolving them is really new and interesting.


Problem with my uncle is that there is more trauma there, later in life, but still revolving around him. Things I have never ever told or even half mentioned to anyone before. Something I thought I might never tell anyone. It is why my T has only started hearing about his existence like 3 weeks ago. He is always around the family now, and was good at times in my life. My cousins are 13 ish now, and I adore them, although he is terrible at raising them. Anyways, I am avoiding a bit and that isn't necessary.

*TW* for SA


When I was about 13 (I think, this one is really blurred, and I can piece together a timeline but it is hard) My siblings and I stayed with my uncle and his then wife for a night while we were out of state visiting family. All was okay, making mac and cheese, playing video games etc. Until my uncle wanted to play the game Bloody knuckles, for anyone who knows that game it isn't appropriate to  be playing with your 13 year old niece and her siblings that are both younger than her. Either way I refuse to play, it is one of few times at that age that I still used my voice.

I guess I voiced it too much, because after my siblings went to bed (they were younger, so I was told I was old enough to stay up which I thought was super cool) my uncle came to me, and this is where it gets super blurry. I remember his room, and his water bed.. I know my body feels truly uncomfortable and like I want to crawly out of my skin when I think about that night. There are sensations that I think are memories of what happened but it is other wise black... I remember going into that room, I remember feeling terrified, and I know how my body feels any time I think about it... but I don't remember what happened...

I remember so much in my life, why is is it this one that I don't remember? What happened that was so bad that of all the things I could have blocked out it was this one?

That is all I can do on this for now. Thank you for reading and for allowing me to write these things when I have never written them before.  :spooked:

Hey sweetie,
Just wanted to send you a  :hug: if it's ok.  I think I've said it before, but don't go searching for the memory dearest.  If it comes, it will come when you are ready for it. 

My heart hurt for you when I read this journal entry.  I wish I didn't know what that blocked memory feels like, but I do.  I wish a couple of mine were still blocked.  I think your body is telling you to maybe stay clear of it for a bit.  Sitting with you  :hug:

Thank you Deep Blue, the hug is definitely okay  :hug: Safe and warm as they always are. I will try not to go looking for them, I have told others to not go searching and need to listen to both your advice and my own. I always want to know, but at the same time I don't. Like I know so many other horrific things about my life, I don't want to add to the list. There was a point where I thought that there was nothing more to remember, that I hadn't blocked things out but goodness I have found I was wrong.

I really appreciate you sitting with me. That is a calming image for me to have  :hug:

Always flashlight always  :hug:

 :hug: :hug: that nickname still warms my heart everytime I read it

Seeing my T last night was a really good idea. I am ever grateful for having a T tat legitimately cares and wants to see me heal, even if that's means she has seen me three nights in a row between my two sessions and group. Told me she was glad to see me and really didn't mind any extra time that I may need. That she did genuinely like me and was always so glad to see how I want to work and all the progress it means I am making. For someone that felt bad for taking her up on her offer of seeing me last night it made a huge difference.

We covered a lot in a nearly hour and a half session. From just processing two memories with the flash method to get me to a more stable foundation, which was different than usual. I couldn't completely get the memories out of my mind so we talked while doing it. She asked the different younger parts of me about their favorite books or what they liked to do in order to keep my mind entirely occupied. It was a good adaption for what I needed last night. She is good at thinking on her toes, thank goodness.

Then I got to be angry, well thirteen year old got to be. I have always censored her words or froze when it has come to letting her talk. It took me a second and a bit of reassurance from my t to do it but I got there. I got to tell (we will call him DV, as to not mix him up with my Dad) Dv that I was angry with him and wished he didn't exist. That I wish I have never met him, and that he didn't deserve to be happy and have a family. I (with even more reassurance) was able to say that I wanted him dead... that it isn't fair he gets to live and be happy while I suffer with all the scars he caused. That he isn't being affected by everything that he did... but that I am. That it is awful and painful to see him happy because he was pure evil and doesn't deserve to be okay.. He doesn't deserve to be a father and certainly can't be trusted to do so. He told me he was my friend and I became trapped before I could have ever realized what was happening... He lied and was completely cruel. I can't see any good in him...

Thirteen year old me contains a lot and is a protector. She isn't rageful, she is hurt and only wants to protect the even younger versions of me from all of the pain. I used to be scared of that part of me but I can see that the anger doesn't come from a place of hatred or evil, it comes out of caring and hurt. She/we went through so much and continue to go through so much.. of course the anger is there. She didn't deserve any of what happened and it pains her to remember that it happened anyways. in one of the visualizations to help me get unstuck she stepped in front of a younger part of me and pushed DV out of the way, so littler me could run and be safe. Her first instinct is to protect, not to be full of rage and hurt anyone. The only hurt she would inflict would be to save someone in peril... So I have grown a new understanding of her, and feel much differently towards her this morning than I did previously.

There are some more insights but I will do them in pieces.

QuoteThirteen year old me contains a lot and is a protector. She isn't rageful, she is hurt and only wants to protect the even younger versions of me from all of the pain.

May I be so bold to say that imo your 13 yr old certainly has more than enough reasons and justification to feel rage. If you or she want to BE angry and express it, I support you.

You can definitely say that, and it is a good reminder. I did get to express a lot of anger through that thirteen year old last night. Even to the extent I could admit that part of me wishes that one of my abusers was dead or would just pop out of existence. That is big for me to say and express. She is angry, I won't deny that nor do I feel like I need to hide that as much. She just isn't the type of rageful that my FOO is. It is a different anger one that is based in hurt and protective instincts, not one built around hate and pure darkness. If that makes sense, she may feel rage but she isn't rageful. Which I know is an odd distinction but one that is important to me.

It is mildly pedantic probably, and is my logical philosophy and lit side coming out in my own healing. I spent a lot of my life around rageful people and suffered a lot at their hands. Their rage never ceased and was just a part of who they were as people. For younger me, and adult me, when I am angry or feel rage it isn't a part of who I am but is an emotion to be processed. Like I feel the rage and need to express it, but it will eventually pass and it isn't part of me innate self to the extent it was with these people. It just feels like there is a difference, and I am not coming up with a better way to express how that difference appears to me.

I feel steady and strong today. It took lots of yoga and active processing of difficult memories/feelings. I don't feel like I have numbed to create this sense of calm and okayness, I feel like I used the skills and resources I have to create a sense of safety that is genuine.

Now that I have that I am back to work on my project for the cptsd foundation. I got to see the new webpage lay out that will launch this week I believe, and got access to some admin stuff. It is really exciting and very real now. I am working on reading a book for it called "The Journey through trauma" I definitely recommend it for everyone. I have been through a lot of what she is describing but it is giving me insights into those parts of my trauma journey. It is an easy and accessible read I think.

As far as my memories of my uncle. I don't like them but they aren't taking over anymore. I have seen them, accepted they exist and that they hurt. They are sitting in my box of things to process along with other things left undone. I can live with that at this moment. Finding that I am getting better at taking these things in chunks. Patience is something I needed to learn and it seems that I am getting closer to truly having that skill.

Just wanted to check in here and remind myself anytime I read back through here that after storms like the last few weeks there tends to be a lot of progress and a sense of peace/safety again.

After writing a letter to Dv yesterday, I feel oddly at peace. Like I got the words out and things are okay now. I am not sure if that is me over functioning, or blocking things out, but I don't think it is. I just feel a sense of peace about it much like I have been working to cultivate with my emdr safe place. That feels like progress, hopefully it actually is.

I have been feeling physically ill for three or four days, with a ear infection like thing that has now turned migraine like thing... not really sure why or how just hoping it passes soon. I am still waiting on my insurance information from the new job so I really can't see anyone for this until I have it.

Group is also going well now. I am starting to feel comfortable with the women in group, although not fully revealed anything major yet but slowly am beginning to trust. I did allow myself to share that one of my abusers now has a kid last week, which was a big leap of faith for me. They know I have ptsd but I haven't really shared why yet. We are doing mostly early trauma so unless I specifically want to process something about some of my later stuff, which may happen, it likely won't come up specifically for a little while at least. Next week it is likely my week to share what I drew on my timeline for family background stuff. I am not sure how that will go as I have memories of everyone on there unlike a lot of the group that didn't grow up knowing the people. I have a young family which is both a blessing and a curse sometimes. Either way I kind of look forward to slowly sharing more about myself but in a way that isn't confessing my worst nightmares and such.

sounds like you're moving forward beautifully, dearest el.  am so happy to see all this progress for you, how the load you've been carrying continues to lighten for you.  am very glad the group experience is becoming more comfy, too.  keep up the good work.  with you all the way, always.  much love and hugs.

San, I don't know if beautifully is a word I would describe is as. It feels messy and turbulent for sure, but maybe there is beauty in that. Thank you for all the well wishes. Love and hugs  :hug:

Hi Elphanigh,
Just wanted to pop by and say 'hello' - and send you a 'hug'  :hug: - I hope your ear infection clears up soon, and that you feel better.  Glad to hear that your group is going well.  You mentioned that maybe there is beauty in something that feels messy and turbulent (and apologies if I'm taking that out of context), but it made me think of a 'storm' for some reason, and the fact that they can be 'enjoyable' despite the wind and rain and turbulence....  Wishing you well, and also sending you love and hugs, if that's ok.  :hug:  I know I'm repeating myself now, so I think I'll pop off and have a cup of tea...
Hope :-)

Thank you Hope. I adore that you come over to say hi from time to time  :hug: My ear infection is starting to improve today, I don't notice as much of my vertigo being a problem which is a great sign.  :cheer: I think your storm metaphor is perfect, it is kind of what I envisioned when I wrote that response to San. Hope you enjoyed that cup of tea.



On another note, I am refusing to be a caretaker for my adult roommate. Caretaking was an old habit of mine, because as a kid everything was my responsibility. I helped raise my siblings, cared for my parents, and ensured the house stayed functional. It was a job I took on because my survival depended on it.  However it is something I am finding I no longer have the energy or desire to do. I am not in that survival mode because I no longer need to be. So having my roommate feel like a small child sometimes and be so frequently nonfunctional is really challenging for me. It is also triggering to an extent because it brings up loads of feelings and frustrations that I know don't all belong pointed at her.. she is just the current symbol of those frustrations and resentment. I didn't get to be a kid, not only because the abuse I was enduring, but also because I had to step up an be an adult in my house. I had to be a caretaker and I was great at it... but it isn't my job anymore and I don't want it to be.

I am much more selfish with my time (not in a screw you people kind of way). I take my time and energy as valuable resources now, and recognize I deserve to dedicate my energy to things that I love and have passion for. I choose to devote time to my healing, to my yoga practice, and currently a lot to the volunteering I am doing to help other survivors. I am focusing time an energy on being the light for others because that is what I am driven to do. At this point it is in small ways, but I am slowly beginning to realize that what I want is to help survivors and kids in that situation. I want to be what I needed back then, and what I still need now. I have always been driven to help others and be a sort of light in the dark for anyone that needed it, but now I get to choose how to do that. It is great to recognize that it is what I want. All that to say, I have to be selfish with my time and energy to do that. It can't be used taking care of my adult roommate who is capable but not wanting to be.

I got sent a picture by a friend of mine it said "Be a light for those who have lost the will to burn" E. Tindale. That spoke to me and really confirmed where my path has been leading me.

Lots of realizations and uncertainties but I am getting a clearer idea of what I really want to be doing. I am not exactly certain whether this means going to school for psych, or if that means taking my yoga and developing it into trauma informed care so people have a space to use it as such, or it could mean both. It could also mean truly developing my work with the foundation and branching that off onto great things. I am not sure where this goes exactly but I am finally listening to my heart and what feels right in my soul.

Coming back to write some more on this as it is kind of swirling around and forming still. I realize that everything I have ever wanted and planned to do with my life was always framed around helping others. When it was music I wanted to be an inspiration to kids like me, and to show how much music can help the world by giving us a common human experience. With philosophy it was ensuring that I could help shape the minds of the next generation of thinkers, to inspire them to do something better for this world. To give what my professors often gave to me. Both admirable things. Going farther back, as a kid I wanted to be the first singer, president in space. I wanted to get to explore but I also had all these ideas as how as president I would make sure everyone got books and school, and how I would make sure we cured sickness etc. I was a peace maker and a healer at heart, I always have been and that isn't a bad thing provided it isn't also at my own detriment. I have come to know that being a healer is okay and good, and that there is a balance I can learn to strike in my life. Also that I can't give to others if I am also not caring for myself. That is a giant thing for me to have learned, and why I am working so hard to heal.

It is just different for me to recognize the root of things I have planned for my life was always to help others. That I have always planned on healing and helping in some way shape or fashion, even if it wasn't going into a field that was necessarily a helping profession. Some part of me is a healer and I resented it for a time to be honest. But I don't want to resent that part of me. I want to embrace it. I want to embrace the fact I want to do good for the world, even if that is a person here or there. That may mean I am starting at square one and figuring out exactly what that means for myself but for once, I am okay with that. I am okay with not knowing exactly where that will take me. I want to form a plan but that will take some time. Everything this year has been leading me in some new directions and I am glad I allowed myself the time to see the new directions.

I thought I would never be healed enough, or that I would never be able to separate from my own pain enough to heal anyone else. I imagined that hearing others' stories would always be triggering and painful, but that isn't the case at all. Sometimes I will read or hear something that reminds me of my own trauma so it hurts but it is rarely too much. I imagine that will only continue to get better with the more healing I do. I realize though that I don't have to be perfectly healed to help others. I need to be stable to be that but I am getting to stable and getting to a place I understand my own trauma enough that I can actually start to help other people with theirs.. I have some faith that I could go ahead and work on schooling or training of some sort to more fully help others. That I would be enough for that, because for once I see that I am enough. That my heart, drive, and experience could be enough. That maybe my own trauma experience could at least help someone through theirs or help people get out of theirs sooner.

This has been quite the ramble, and I appreciate it if you managed to read it. I really do just use this space a a journal for thoughts I can come back a reread and to work things through. Sometimes seeing it in writing makes a world of difference.

Elpha,
Just thought I'd tell you that you speak to my heart in these posts.  That is exactly why I became a teacher.  I like the idea of you being a light for others.

I suppose I don't consider myself a light for others.  I think of myself more as a guide that helps them make choices that are best for them. 
Both helping in our own ways
:hug: take care

Deep blue,

I am glad these spoke to you. The way you talked about teaching has always struck me as such. I am glad you can be the guide, I have a few of those in my life right now and they are some of the greatest, most amazing people I know. I am not sure if I will consider myself a light or more of a guide depending on how I decide to proceed, but light has always fit. Especially with the way you and other people have always described me. Something about it fits at least for now.

Thank you dear for always encouraging me  :hug:

QuoteI am much more selfish with my time (not in a screw you people kind of way). I take my time and energy as valuable resources now, and recognize I deserve to dedicate my energy to things that I love and have passion for. I choose to devote time to my healing, to my yoga practice, and currently a lot to the volunteering I am doing to help other survivors. I am focusing time an energy on being the light for others because that is what I am driven to do. At this point it is in small ways, but I am slowly beginning to realize that what I want is to help survivors and kids in that situation. I want to be what I needed back then, and what I still need now. I have always been driven to help others and be a sort of light in the dark for anyone that needed it, but now I get to choose how to do that. It is great to recognize that it is what I want. All that to say, I have to be selfish with my time and energy to do that. It can't be used taking care of my adult roommate who is capable but not wanting to be.

herein lies the beauty, sweetie.  while the turbulence swirls around you, the beauty of your personal insights, passions, and light glow brighter every day.  you are amazing and a wonder to behold.  thank you for being you.  love and hugs always.

My dear, I am not sure why but the kind words bring tears to my eyes today. Thank you for being such a kind loving soul.  :hug: My other reaction is always one to minimize, because I would never see so much in myself, certainly not a wonder, but I am learning to recognize that reaction and remember it isn't always right.

Rereading that particular paragraph of my writing was really helpful, thank you for pull that one. It feels certain and excited.Very much the beauty in the storm at the moment. I am excited to see what this realization does. I am tempted to look at grad programs for psychology, and continue to look into my yoga teacher training so I can still really develop that practice. Maybe one day getting to teach trauma informed yoga as well, and use it for my own personal journey. I am again not sure but we will see. I start leading the Trauma informed book club on the 3rd of November so that is the next step (I am still kind of prepping for this, and honestly so nervous to be a voice for these authors and to share my insights with others) Hopefully that going well will instill some confidence to look at the possibility of delving deeper into a healing profession. I also think I want to talk to my T about it, she is a resource that I would be silly not to utilize at this point. I don't want it to take a whole session but I want to ask her a few things.

Anyways, I am just rambling as my brain is finally catching up with everything from this week

I have been doing some looking and soul searching last night into today. I really do think I want to get into the mental health field. There are about a million different degree options for that. There is also always the advocacy route but that isn't the one that calls me. I will advocate and give my time to organizations that do that, but I am not the poster person type. I will share my story and my time with those type of people because they deserve all the support they can get, but I know in my heart that is not me.

However, something that is me is caring for others and bearing witness to the truth of other people. I do truly believe that everyone deserves the chance to heal, and even more deserves the chance to be safe in the first place. If I can help anyone in that way I will have done something right. I do truly think I want to pursue this as a career. I am not sure what I want to do schooling wise as much as I am growing sure of the outcome that I want. So I will make the schooling fit the end goal. I feel like I have learned (and am constantly improving) my boundaries to an extent I would be okay personally in that field. I also just feel like it would be a fulfilling life for me. Anytime I know that I have helped someone I light up and I get the energy to do even more. It is a natural drive for me. As a trauma survivor myself I could immediately go in having more experience and knowledge from a lived perspective that might help people with CPTSD and other trauma based issues. I could make an impact and use my own experiences for good. It will never make them okay, but it will mean I can put them to good use. I could learn to be a voice for change and help the field in my own little way.

I worry about the path change, and degree change but I have heart and love for this community which I would like to think will be enough. I am still young and have years ahead of me to make a difference and hopefully help cause some change, even if in just one persons life. I have already asked a friend of mine who has her Master's in psych to meet up so we can chat over coffee about the differences in pathways towards this. I want to make sure I pick the most effective route towards focusing on trauma therapy methods and a route that will allow me to develop into being the change I would love to see.

I get really excited about this prospect and I have so many thoughts about what I would do, and how I could help etc. It is a great kind of giddy feeling if this makes sense. I will still go do my yoga teacher training for my own practice, as it is more an in depth focus on the practice than it is truly a teaching practicum. That and having the option to do trauma focused yoga is also great. Anyways lots of thoughts and possibilities in this.


Random note, E messaged me on facebook and also sent me a friend request. Neither thing triggered me nor did I answer or open the message. She has never brought anything good for me and I will not let that negativity back into my life. I refuse to, and I get to make the choice whether she is allowed in so here we are. I feel stronger knowing that I can ignore and say no in my own way. NC with her is for the best.

I do have to see my Foo in 18 days, as I am traveling to see my Brother graduate from basic training. I am excited for him and to see my S and niece but not so excited to deal with the drama that always comes with being near my parents. It will be okay but goodness. I am also not going home for Christmas for the first time in my life, haven't broken that to them yet so I am going to try not to break it to them then. Again, me making my own adult decisions but avoiding conflict on a trip that needs to be free of it is wiser.

Lots of random thoughts and processing in this post, thanks for reading.

QuoteI am also not going home for Christmas for the first time in my life, haven't broken that to them yet so I am going to try not to break it to them then. Again, me making my own adult decisions but avoiding conflict on a trip that needs to be free of it is wiser.

Good job!  :cheer: :cheer:

darling el, i don't have enough words for the jumble of thoughts this post brought to my mind.  all of them, tho, are excited for you on many different levels.  each event you spoke about showed, again, the progress you have made from where you were a year ago.  incredible stuff, sweetie.  truly incredible.

i am so jazzed for you, i could  just burst!   :fireworks:

the difficult work you've done, the courage, determination, and undaunting persistence you have shown to get to where you are now is tremendous.   and the idea that you want to turn all those negatives in your life into positives for others, well, if that isn't the best any of us can do, i don't know what is.

thank you for being you, for shining your light here and everywhere.  stick with that idea of helping 'one' person.  in the helping fields, that is what we have to hang onto.  we can't help them all, unfortunately, but if we help one, we have made an indelible mark on the world for the better.  and that is always enough.

just to let you know, your postings, like those of everyone else on this forum, have already helped someone.  this is a helping community, and everyone here has done their share of helping someone.  we've all already done in our own capacity what so many trained/certified/licensed professionals have failed at doing. 

you are a blessing to the world, and i'm glad to be in it with you.  love and hugs always.

Thank you Three Roses  :cheer:

San, I don't have the words to express how grateful I am to read such a good response from you. As someone I admire deeply I means the world you are excited that's I want to go into the field you spent your life in as well. Also to hear the people see my determination and work it has taken me to a place in my healing where I could choose freely to do this. I wish I had better words because thank you is not enough, but thank you from every part of me  :hug:

I ache today, more than I think I was prepared for. I don't know how to feel the kind of ache and hurt I am feeling today, I really don't know what to do with it. I am not sure I have felt anything like it in a long time, or possibly ever to be honest. It is a kind of emotionally wrenching pain that feels like I have been knocked back and then feels like a punch in the gut.

That being said I am okay, I just hurt. Not sure how better to describe it. It isn't triggering like a flashback or an anxiety attack.. it is just an ache. I think this is probably true grief, but I haven't been able to sit with this well or to cry yet. I expected to come home last night and have lots of tears because I almost did in group last night. I think they are buried underneath many protective layers. Ones that allowed me to learn to not need my M and years of trying to not want her either. A lot of stuffing down the things she did, so I think I will need to voice them or get them out more than I did in group last night to get to a point where this wound will heal. Last night just really opened me up to doing that and to starting to feel whatever this is.

Grief is not something I am super familiar with, it comes up every now and then but never this strong or for this long. I am trying not to shut it off, but instead recognize it and let it be what it needs to. That is progress, I just am not sure what to do with it other wise.  :Idunno:

This doesn't take away any of the good things in the last week, but it is right back into the deep part of healing for me. Can't clear out the junk without going through it, I just also hate going through it sometimes. Intentionally going through the pain to help it feel better. There is certainly a middle ground here, that whole window of tolerance thing, and last night probably pushed on that upper limit a bit but it was okay. It still is.

I just wish I had the M I needed back then, or even that I could trust my M now. But I learned to not need her, I learned to be the parent far too early in life.

all i can offer is ems to embrace you, hold you, comfort you until the ache subsides.  i know it's not a true mother, the one you needed and never had.  i wish i could give that to you.  she would hold little el on her lap, rocking her back and forth, whispering soothing words into your hair, letting you know that the pain, the horrible aching feeling will soon go away, but that she will stay with you till it does.

she'd also give adult el a loving hug, letting her know she's beside you thru this, will also stay till it leaves you in peace.  i wish.

sending much love and warm, soothing hugs, sweetie.

San, I am grateful you reminded me of ems. I always forget when I need her the most. I never expect you to offer anything more than just being you my dear. Little me loves having ems as a mom of sorts. She is safe, warm, and nurturing. That is everything little me ever needed, and that adult me is not always good at being able to give. I find that when the feelings also hurt and affect my adult being that I am less effective at giving my inner little ones what they need.

Adult me loves the hug, and having her peaceful presence with me as I go through this. I am not in as much pain this afternoon, but I know these things come in waves. It is reassuring to have someone there until things feel more peaceful.

Lots of love to you too. :hug:

I feel stronger and less achy today. I did some tapping and played some games with my roommate last night. Good self care and just got to get those feelings out of my body. I recognize it is something I need to process but not something I have to carry every moment of everyday. With that understanding it is okay to recognize it is there but not feel it completely like I was. It isn't unhealthy to put it away for bits at a time, because I do still need to live my life as well. I am working actively to process things so I can put it away safely.

Anyways more looking at school and feeling scared to take the plunge. As a wise teacher of mine once told me, those nerves mean that I care and have invested into the idea. They are something to embrace and recognize, not something to stop me from moving forward. That might be the only useful thing he ever said to me, but I have held onto it. It meant I didn't shy away from my undergrad, and when I decided to fully jump into my healing journey those words echoed for me as well. I am not plunging without research or understanding. I know what this path is and where I want it to help take me. This is not a blind plunge, I am jumping knowing as much as I can about what is at the bottom. So I jump and trust in my research and the wisdom of people that I trust.

I think grief is going to come in waves until I can finally cry it out. I have yet to cry about group on Tuesday, I get close but it is like tears are stuck. I am not consciously choosing not to cry or to feel but something is blocking them. I can feel the physical pain well up inside and start to remember all the reasons I do hurt from my relationship with my M... Goodness knows there are many aspects of that I deserve to grieve, and I think part of me is starting to. I used to cry all the time when I first started going deep into this stuff, I would come home and just cry because it hurt so much. But now, I don't seem to be able to. Like I am not closing off, if anything I am being more open than I eve have. I don't really understand but I also can't force it to come yet. I will continue to process and work through what ever is stuck in my body. Maybe I need to do some sort of body movement to get some of this junk out. Will see what Therapy brings on Monday.

Until then I will sit with the ache as it comes and goes. I am not sure I am prepared for grief in the way I would want to be, but no one ever is. I have tapped into so many different emotions this one still alludes me. Anger used to be impossible and now I can voice it in productive ways, it is no longer triggering even for younger me. Major progress on that front so hopefully the same will be true of grief, if in fact that is what this is.

Sweet Elpha,
As someone who has cried 3 times in 4 years, I'm with ya there.  It's not a conscious decision to hold back tears. It just happens.

It's like without my Consent, my brain turns off and shuts down when I am sad and need to grieve.  I'm not sure how to combat that... so I'm searching for answers there.

I think you are taking some big steps and that's a big deal.  I'm amazed by you all the time.  When the time comes, you will be able to process and the tears will come. 

Take good care  :hug:

Hi dear Deep Blue,

I am glad it isn't just me. I grew up not crying because I was taught they were a weakness. Then for like two years all I could do was cry, now it is back to not happening. Not because I see them as weak anymore, but like you described it is like my brain turns them off.

Lots of big steps have been happening, and I am sure will continue to. Hopefully this one will be learning to deal with grief. I have been listening to talks and you tube videos on complex grief to see if I can get an understanding. Thank you for always being kind and seeing so much in me  :hug:

Hugs and much love  :hug:



On a different note, I am working on my grad school applications. It has been a quick set of decisions, which feels like a whirlwind but it also feels right. This is what I am meant to be doing and I am thrilled to be going after it. I will have more time after these applications are in to consider deferment options if I truly need another year with my current T, or for finances. But I have realized that life will never give me the perfect time to go to school, and there will never be a neon sign saying go this way. I have the closest thing I am ever going to get to that right now.

My anxiety and bits of cptsd that have issues with trusting myself and jumping into the unknown are certainly going off, but I can listen to them and reassure them that I am researching and also have looked at this option before many times. It isn't foreign it is just different to be going after it instead of turning away.

I am excited for the new adventure, and hopeful that I will get in somewhere. I would love to touch as many lives as I can, and hopefully I still have a lot of time to do so.

You touch a lot of lives here, too, and I'm excited that more will be able to experience the healing you can bring them. Yay, Elph!

I am really glad to hear that, Three Roses. It is reassuring to know I can do that here by just being me. It, along with all of the positive feedback I am getting about my plan, are helping give me more hope in my abilities  :hug:

Quote from: Elphanigh on October 12, 2018, 07:24:08 PM

I am excited for the new adventure, and hopeful that I will get in somewhere. I would love to touch as many lives as I can, and hopefully I still have a lot of time to do so.

I agree with Three Roses that you already touch many lives in a positive way - you've certainly helped me, and many others here - and I imagine that is the same in your day to day exchanges/interactions - and I would like to wish you the best with your grad applications, and that your realise all your goals and aspirations, but especially that you will enjoy the path to attaining them.   :hug:

Hope  :)

Hope, I really appreciate you taking the time to stop by. The kind words are more meaningful than I know how to express. All of you give me such hope for what I can do in the world. I am hopeful for the application process but nervous.

dearest el,  you know how i feel about all this.  i have no doubt about you and what you'll be able to accomplish in the future - what you have accomplished in your own life, what you do for people here - just indications of what's in store for you and the rest of the world you touch.

grieving is such a complex beast.  i'm going thru some of it right now.  i was triggered into getting some tears and other emotions out last nite by watching an episode of 'buffy, the vampire slayer'.  i know - this stuff can come out at odd times even when we're not expecting it.  still, better out than in, as hagrid said. 

so, i'm sure when you're ready, the tears will come.  the feelings will come as well.  in the meantime, i like the idea that you can let some stuff out in bits and pieces, put the rest in containers, so to speak, for when you're ready again.  they'll wait for you. 

moving forward!   much love and warm hugs.

My dear, I do know how you feel about all of it. I am forever grateful for it.

I am currently sitting at a coffee shop near my apartment working on the application for the school that is due soonest (like a month and a half earlier than anyone else). Taking a break to read and reply some here. Also need to work on some coordinating for the trauma informed book club I am starting in November. I find that I am amazed by the kindness that people are showing me, and the faith that everyone is having in me to do all of these good things. From the foundation believing I am the correct person for the book club creation, and then everyone I have spoken to about what I want to do for grad school being so certain I would touch lives. It is starting to set in that there must be a reason that all of this is being reflected back to me. (Sorry off on a tangent, that is something I need to explore)

Grief is so hard, and I am not sure I have ever truly grieved. This will be a slow but important adventure I think. Like you with Buffy, I am certain this will hit me out of the blue. I do want to do some work on it tomorrow with my T though, see if I can't kind of unlock a bit of it, or figure out what is stuck. You wisdom on this is always so wonderful, also absolutely love the Harry Potter reference. As someone that is so proud of her HP house (I'm a Ravenclaw if that wasn't obvious) and Has read every book multiple times it, I smile every time I see a reference used  :)

I think the only worry I truly have with grad school is not taking enough time to do my own healing. I wouldn't stop working on my healing but it would need to be more background than it is right now. I have had the freedom to truly dive in the last almost two years which has meant I have made major strides. I worry that I am leaving that phase too early, but I also recognize I have ten more months of it. That I am capable of healing in small strides as well. That me feeling well enough to go forward and certain of my path is probably the glowing sign telling me that it is okay to move forward. That I would hopefully find another good T where I was and the work on being able to help people in more ways than I already can.

Anyways, I feel like I have rambled some this morning. There is a lot that goes around as I consider the paths moving forward. I am excited but also so much more self aware now, with that comes more considerations and understanding of possible reprecutions. Unlike when I did my undergrad I understand what it means to be healthy, and know that I never want to go back to be unhealthy. I need to have faith that the skills I have will keep me well through grad school. I think the first test of that is managing grad school applications, volunteering, and work. If I can balance that and stay healthy school will be okay. Here's to the version of me I have become and not even truly realized it until recently. The progress and changed seemed so small day to day, but looking back I have truly become a better version of myself. I dont want to stop growing in that way, so I hesitate to leave this stage but I think ten more months and the recognition that I feel stable enough for the first time since my undergrad to truly make these decisions means I am right to pursue new things.

Okay not I have truly rambled. Will be more later for sure, but lots to do today.

i'm a gryffindor.  i, too, inhaled the hp world, books and movies multiple times.  there's a lot of wisdom to be culled from it.  one i especially liked was when harry asked dumbledore near the end if this was all in his mind, and dumbledore said 'yes, but that doesn't mean it's not real'.

that struck me hard when i first read it because i'd been told that so many times by so many docs over the years when i'd tell them about my fatigue or aches and pains - it's all in your mind.  it was dismissive, tho, rather than affirming.  i know now it was all real, and they just didn't do their jobs properly to find out why it was happening.

i remember a year ago when you were applying to grad school, and how important it seemed to you then to get in.  however, listening to you now, talking about your therapy and healing and recovery and will you be able to maintain it if you have school thrown into the mix - yes, your awareness of you, who you are, your priorities, your concerns, it's all very different today than it was then.

what a difference a year makes.  your growth, your strength, your groundedness and stability have all increased a thousandfold in a year, exponentially because you took the opportunity to delve into your recovery and healing with such force and determination.  i've said it before and i'll keep on saying it - you are a wonder to behold, you beautiful thing.

everything in its own time.  kudos to you for making this past year be about you personally, taking that time to get yourself strong and ready enough to take on the challenges of the future.  i think it was a great decision, and you've come thru with flying colors.  love you to bits, honey. 

You had always struck me as a gryffindor  :)  That particular passage had always pulled to me, although for different reasons. There is a lot to glean from it. I also always got pulled in to the idea of the Mirror of Erised. Wonderful what I might see, probably good I will never know.

Thank you for seeing all the progress in me, I am truly glad I waited and spent the year on myself. Healing has been a tough but amazing journey. I want to ensure I don't lose that progress. It is something I will talk to my T about.

Today though I will be on the porch. I got triggered into.p a flashback in restorative yoga last night. I remembered some repressed stuff and it knocked me back a bit, just a lot to take in. I am rest at home, until my session this evening.

 :bighug:

 :hug: :hug: :bighug:  :hug: :hug:

Thank you dear, I need that. I am at work today but my mind is on the porch with ems. Just going to curl up in a warm blanket and allow myself to try to rest knowing that ems will keep all parts of me safe. I brought what is essentially being called "Elpha's survival kit" to work today. Has a few different types of tea (both caffeinated and decaf), honey, some crackers, a stuffed lion, and my blanket in case the office is freezing again.

Last nights session was truly a lot but at the same time it was good. We processed the new memory that was coming up, which with flash went pretty well. Then I got thrown a curve ball. I had  the level of intensity super far down and stable, my T asked if it was safe to share anything about the image so she could keep track of what we were processing. It felt safe enough to tell her a little bit of it, enough she could certainly fill in the blanks. I normally at this point don't get re triggered because the processing has made it neutral enough I can kind of talk about it. That was not the case. Through a bit more processing we realized it is a different ego state than we had been paying attention to. One that I had not even recognized was there until last night.. she is about 2 or 3 and doesn't have a lot of words because of it.

The image i get for this memory is of when I am really small, smaller than any of my other memories, which I had chalked up to me changing it because of fear... that doesn't seem to be the case now. As far as we can tell this probably happened when I was that two or three years old... That I completely dissociated because it was something I could not hold in my brain and still be okay. I was so little I didn't have the words or even emotions really to process what happened to me that night. It does also kind of confirm my gut feeling that it was my uncle as well.

All this to say, the little version of me is really hard to connect to and just really small and scared.. that leaves adult me trying to deal with her and trying to put the pieces together for myself too. I don't want to think that my more physical abuse started before I was five of six (which has been what I have known and believed all my life) this would mean that it started well before that... that there could be more memories like the one I am currently attempting to wrap my head around.

It feels like a major shift, although realistically what is a few more years of this junk in a less concentrated form? Surely with everything I have been through adding a couple more memories and another couple years of it to my narrative isn't that huge.. but it feels giant. I told my T that I thought it was my Uncle.. but that adult me can't even admit that as truth. I can say I think, or I feel, but I can't claim it as true. Just as I can't say that I was two yet, I can say it seems like that is what happened.. and best we can tell... but I can't accept it as truth.

I have accepted a lot of things in my journey, things I never thought possible to accept, including the whole concept of ego states in the first place. Also just a lot about my own journey and my own memories.. that I knew but couldn't accept. This one though is throwing me for a loop.. I don't want to think things started that early.. I don't want to have to think my uncle was truly awful to me.. I know he was when I was older (like 11 or so) but that is somehow so much more permissible that this.



On a much more positive note, my T did tell me that she would feel comfortable saying I would be ready for graduate school next September. That She did truly believe the amount of work we can get done in the next like 10 months would be more than enough to make that possible. That of course I would need to keep healing, and if I moved "we" would need to find another therapist that would work with me in a similar enough way. She seemed very willing to help me go through the process of finding someone and kind of helping me train that person in what I need in this process. Because I will likely need to move for school. She did also say she would miss me, which was sweet. She has grown to genuinely care I think, without breaking the boundaries that we need to have.

I was speaking about my hesitation, because of this new thing coming up.. because every time I am feeling stable and good enough to move forward something new pops up. I get some new wave of healing that needs done, and I worry that I am leaving this phase a bit to early. Because I can dedicate so much time and energy to it. So hearing from her that she would feel comfortable with me going, and thinks I would do well, is reassuring. She did also recognize why I wouldn't feel that way, and why I am hesitating as legitimate. She then also pulled out some logical things for me to tangibly hold on to. reminding me how much I have done in just the last six months, and how healing does tend to become exponential once that foundation is there so we will do even more than what has already been done in that six months. So imagine how far I can come.. as well as outlining why we are doing the early trauma work, to build a foundation that will likely make it easier to process everything else that sits on top of it.

I also worried that I would risk becoming unhealthy again, that I didn't ever want to go back there. That leaving this part of my journey could set me on a path to that.. I don't want to be the person I was in or right after my undergrad... I don't want to be that version of me. My T chimed in telling me she didn't think I could go back that far after all the healing I have done.. Which I think is true. I am more self aware and I know what it is to feel healthy and have so many more skills. That I probably could never go back to that person. Which again is reassuring to me.

All logical points, and also emotionally correct points. It helps me move forward even when I feel like finding another piece of the puzzle is a setback.

I also know that is not the case either. It is a huge step forward to be getting those memories, and the chance to integrate that part of me into the whole like everything else. It just feels stressful and unknown, but that isn't a setback even if it feels like it. One more chance to become more aware.

Anyways, I have rambled... There will likely be more at some point as I try to wrap my head around new truths

darling el, if it feels huge, it IS huge,  from reading about it, i also see it as huge - tremendously so.  when we have pre-verbal/pre-logic trauma, the inability to express our feelings and perspective on what happened, it is like a brick wall was erected (to my point of view).  we can't even begin to breach that wall till much of what came after has been recognized and accepted.

now a few of the bricks have been removed and you've had a glimpse.  the horrors behind that wall can definitely be too much to look at, let alone accept.  take your time, sweetie.  you do have time and i believe this timing is exactly right for you.  like your t said, the progress is exponential with healing - altho you'd been traumatized for over 20 yrs., it will not take 20 yrs. to recover and heal from it.

i love that your t said 'we' will get you set up.  i'm sure she has connections in the trauma/emdr community and will be with you when you decide where you will be for school and help you make the transition to a new t.   that is wonderful.

in the meantime, may i suggest you stay in the present as much as possible with your healing.  fearing for the future could hang you up a bit.  what you've accomplished, what you know now, what you've learned about how to take care of you will keep you from falling back to old ways.

that's not to say there might not be a slip or two in the future, but you'll be able to recognize it for what it is and rectify it quickly.  to me, recovery is like learning to drive stick shift.  we need directions, we need guidance, and then we need practice.  eventually, getting our hands and feet coordinated becomes pretty much a non-thinking, muscle/mind memory thing.

sure, sometimes we'll grind the gears or roll backwards on a hill, but we know enough to stop, assess the situation, and make the necessary adjustments.  it becomes easier with time.  as does recovery.  you have enough time, i have no doubt.

and look at you!  you remembered ems today on your own!  an example of how this all works.  you're on your way, you bright, beautiful, talented woman.   sometimes i don't think we realize what steps we've taken, and how far we've come.  i'm on the porch with you today.  gotta take some time off and just sit, watch, listen.  i'd love your company.  i love you.

I appreciate you validating this as huge, San. I was minimizing without recognizing it.. it helps is be more manageable but it won't help it heal to minimize. So here I am again trying to deal with it being a big deal. I think your brick wall analogy speaks to this feeling really well. Part of me really wishes I could put the bricks back, but I know that isn't an option. So I will slowly work on that wall, for now that means working on accepting that things exist behind it at all. Accepting that the wall is there will be a lot for the moment. It brings up so much and feels like it changes so much of my own narrative. I have been so certain of the general timeline of events all of my life. I have never not had a structure of my memories and such. I have had things I couldn't place and had some repressed memories, but never things that were outside of what I already had grown to expect were there. This is completely out of my box of understanding. I knew about some verbal abuse and then birth traumas, like I was traumatized when I was  preverbal but I had not imagined in this way. Something about this feels like it changes so much and adult me has not figured out how to handle that yet.

I find that the fully functioning adult part of me needs this to fit neatly into the things I know, and the ways I understand my very chaotic and abuse filled life to have gone. I used put my abuse into a neat little box that was all of 6 years long, which through a lot of work and changes to my understanding of what abuse looked like got extend to like 10 years, now up to 21 ish. which for me is basically a life time. It has come a long ways.. all that to say, I know that my mind will eventually accept this too, it is just a lot to take in.

I love that my T said 'we' as well. It was really good to hear, because she did truly sound like she would help me find someone that would be a good fit for me. She isn't just going to leave it to me to do the guess work etc. She does have a lot of contacts in various places etc, so that should help.

I will try to stay in the present and stop worrying about the future, it does tend to affect how much I can work on the current issues if my mind is off wandering too far ahead. You are right, I have learned a lot and I can have some faith in those abilities.

I do drive a stick shift so that metaphor fits perfectly  :hug:

I did remember her, I was proud of that a bit. Thank you for recognizing it! I am glad to be sitting with you today, thank you for such wonderful company. Love you my dear  :hug:

I started to feel everyrhing last night after group, and goodness it is still too much. Between the grief for my M and then the new memories that change a lot of my narrative early on, the feelings are more intense.

I also know adult me was fighting them because I felt as if when I feel all that is coming I would fall apart and maybe not get up this time. I have felt this with other major shifts so it makes sense to feel the same way. But fighting it now, meant leaving younger me to fend for herself because I couldn't handle her. Honestly even this morning I still can't. Her truths scare me too much. It takes a lot to scare me but she has done it.

I know I will need to feel these feels but I don't know that I am ready to, not without the help of my T at first at least I think. It will happen, I know it will, I am just not prepared for all the hurt this has been brining.

I am beginning to recognize that little elpha needs me to pay attention and care for her. I knew that already but because her truths are terrifying for adult me I couldn't handle being with that little one.. or trying to connect with her. It isn't fair to her for me to blame her for everything that is coming up with her appearance. Those memories aren't her fault, and never have been. So trying to leave her by herself or somewhere with someone else until I can deal with her is only going to make her more distressed. I need to find a way to slowly connect to her,  in a way that adult me doesn't also just resent her. I think recognizing I was treating her like it was her fault unintentionally probably will help with that. I needed to find some kindness instead of running away from her truths. I didn't intend to neglect or be mean to that younger part of me. but by running and denying those truths that is what I did last night. So slowly i will work to be okay with her existing and being there. I can't handle her truths yet but her I can work on. She is small and kind, and just needing of love like anyone else.

Ego state work still blows my mind sometimes, but because it has worked wonders for me I need to trust in the process. So here goes nothing. I will be on the porch today doing what I can to connect. Then probably go to yoga and invite her along, because movement can be freeing for her. I think she would love my bright colored yoga mat and the beautiful spirit of the yoga instructor I normally take classes from.

Sweet Elpha,
This really rings true for me.  My younger little I don't blame very much.  It's my teenage little that causes me problems.

I still carry blame for my teenage years and it is a BIG part of why I consider myself unloveable.  I think it's a process for sure.  Kudos to you for recognizing and now trying to do something about it.  Sending you strength.

Maybe we can trade huh? I'll take your little and you can hang with teenage me??? Ugh... I wish that could really happen.  Take care sweetie

Deep Blue,

I am glad this rings true for you. I have made peace with some younger parts of me, but not quite that young yet. She is new to me, and harder for me to handle. I would gladly sit with teenage you today. I have made peace with my teenage self and can handle older kids quite well. We will have a lot of fun together, believe it or not.

My little one would love to sit with you, she is like 2 or 3 so small but very inquisitive and would adore the very wonderful spirit I know you do be. It can't happen completely but I think us both envisioning it is completely okay today. We know the other parts of us are in good hands in that way.

You will come to make peace with her one day, just as I will learn to connect to that younger self as well. I have faith. Thank you for the extra strength, I really needed that today. Sending some right back to you  :hug:

My son is 4 but his age 2-3 is still fresh in my memory.  What does she enjoy doing?  My son loves music (I bet he's similar to you in this). We love singing songs together and playing "band" with our microphone toy, and guitar toys.  We still enjoy reading together as well.  Would your little like that you think?

My son loved reading goodnight moon over and over at that age.  Any favorite books for her? 

I like the idea of picturing us sort of reparenting our littles together.  :hug:

That is wonderful,  my little does love singing anything as well as reading. Her favorite was "the hungry Caterpillar". She loved the colors aand helping follow along.

What does teenage you like to do?

I love picturing it this way ❤

If I'm being honest,
Teenage me had it pretty rough.  She probably just wanted someone to care or notice her. 

She likes movies, but nothing violent or scary.  She likes painting and cooking as outlets.  I suspect she would have liked yoga but no one ever taught her. More than anything she just wants to be understood.

Deep Blue, I will gladly sit with her and listen to anything she needs to say. I have a knack with teenagers that just need understanding and love. She sounds familiar. She can talk about anything she wants, and I will listen and make sure she knows I understand and hear here. We can then do a bit of something relaxing when she is ready. I can even teach her small bits of yoga if she is up for it. I am a very patient teacher and love to make it fun, but whatever she feels like doing we will. I promise she is heard and understood.  :hug:

Thanks Elpha  :hug:
The strange thing is I work with teenagers all day and I still don't connect with my teenage little  :Idunno:

How does she feel about baking?  I was thinking we could make some sugar cookies together.  I have all sorts of cookie cutters and sprinkles and icing that she can choose from.  The messier it is the more fun! We can make a hungry caterpillar out of cookies too! She gets to pick the icing colors of course. 

Thanks for sitting with my little too.  She feels safe with you and she doesn't feel safe very often.  Thanks for letting her just hang.  I know she doesn't talk much, but if someone can get her to open up, I'm sure it's you. Thanks  :hug:

Anytime Deep Blue, I am glad to help in anyway I can. It is okay she is quiet, she has many reasons to be. I am sure over time she would open up to me, most people always do, even teenagers. It has always just kind of happened. I am happy to sit with her quietly though just being there for her as she needs me. We can turn on a movie and make some snacks to eat.

As far as baking, my little would love that. She is still really small so probably messy but would love every second of it. She loves bright colors and lots of sparkles and is great at hands on crafts. Super creative and always a big helper.

Thank you for helping her feel safe and happy. It is the first time I have gotten to envision her happy, knowing she is in such safe hands. It is different to see her that way, she looks more like the little kid she should be. It means the world that you are helping her  (and me) like this.  :hug:

Quote from: Elphanigh on October 17, 2018, 09:51:16 PM
Thank you for helping her feel safe and happy. It is the first time I have gotten to envision her happy, knowing she is in such safe hands. It is different to see her that way, she looks more like the little kid she should be. It means the world that you are helping her  (and me) like this.  :hug:

I'm so glad you are getting to see her in a new light Elpha. Hopefully it will be helpful to see her having fun and being the child she should have been able to be.  I have some food coloring pens and she can use them to color some of these cookies too.  After we finish these goodies we can read and enjoy some as snacks.  I'm happy to help her and I'm happy to help you too  :bigwink:

My teenage little is excited for the possibility of a movie night.  I think getting to relax with you is a good change of pace for her.  Thanks for being so understanding and gentle with her.

I am glad to see her that way too. I tried to picture her in yoga today, letting her play and be safe. Hsrd but had a few good moments with it today. She will be a work in progress trying to find a balance with her.

She would adore coloring the cookies! Then reading and yummy things. Thank you for being so kind and good to her. It is more than I could have ever given her today.

I am glad to sit with her and ave a movie night. She is always welcome to see me, I will welcome her with open arms  :hug:

I feel a little stronger today, and have an ice cream date with a new found friend after work this evening. It will be nice to get out and see her outside of the yoga studio. She is kind and gets a lot of this junk. Also ice cream is the best sometimes  ;D

It is good that I can start to recover a little faster from these things. I am definitely still feeling the emotional turmoil, but I can let it exist while I am also going about my day. However, I am not dissociating or locking it so far down and ignoring it. I am letting it be as it is, and recognizing it like I need to. It is there for a reason, but I can't be dealing with it every moment as intensely. There is a balance, and that balance gets knocked over a bit at moments during my day when it starts to flair up and hurt more, but I get through them. Monday's session will likely be huge for me, but I am hopeful it will also prepare to be going on vacation starting Tuesday.

Seeing my brother graduate from Basic training is so important to me, and being able to see my niece is just as important. This trip serves both of those purposes and also allows me to visit multiple new places, which is exciting. However, I have to be stable and strong in my boundaries with my parents while I am there. I haven't told them about grad school or not coming home for Christmas and I am sure both will come up. Those are my very adult decisions that they have no power over but they will try to. I am both excited and dreading this trip. So stabilizing before hand is going to be super necessary. I am going to have everything prepped this weekend so I can feel steady and prepared to be gone. Leaving my roommate in charge of the house and my cats is scary because I don't trust her to do the up keep on the apartment. My cats will be fine but I worry about having to come home to a giant mess... after having just spent the last few days cleaning up..

Anyways that is an entirely different ramble. I am healing from this junk, it is hard, awful and long but it is happening.

Hi Elpha,
There are so many great things that you've written here, and I am just wanting to say how great it is to hear that you're making such progress - and I also want to say  :cheer:
Wishing you the best for your family visits - so great that you will be seeing your brother graduate from Basic training - and that you'll see your niece too.  Enjoy your ice-cream date with your friend later.  Sounds like fun.   :)
Hope  :)

Thank you Hope! It is amazing how you always see the positives in all of this every time. I always love when you stop by  :hug:

Getting stronger everyday, with the help of some friends. I had two impromptu ice cream dates yesterday and a coffee run before work this morning. Both helped me get back into my adult self.

Little me is also happy with the ice cream and macaroons. So it helped both parts of me.


I am coming to recognize that I have come over so many hurdles and I will do so with this one in the same way, I just need to show myself some kindness as this goes. Especially to younger me, even though I don't always understand her yet. These memories aren't her fault and she was very brave. It is my turn to be brave for her.

I leave on vacation on Tuesday. I am excited to go but worried about being around my parents for such an extended time. I will benokay during but worry when I get back i will crash a bit. I am trying to prepare for that kust in case so when I get back I don't have much to accomplish. Will allow me to not stress about crashing for a day or so.

Anyways I just wanted to come by and say I was starting to feel better. No doubt Monday will drag it back up but hopefully start a more true healing process.

We will be with you if you need to vent during your visit.

Glad to hear your little enjoyed the ice cream  :hug:

Thanks Deep Blue. I will likely post something mid trip, or at least on my way back. It is an important even for my B and I get to see my S and niece. I am trying to focus on those positives. I love all three of them dearly and they deserve me there at my best even if my parents don't deserve it.

dearest el,

i hope your trip goes as smoothly as possible.  i love all the prep you're doing to be ready, not only for the trip itself and the parental units you'll have to face, but also for being back home after and the possible crash. 

of course, ems will be with you the whole time, and if i might suggest something that really helped me a couple of times in the past 2 yrs. (when i left mexico, and also going to the dermatologist where i found out i had cancer and my d couldn't be there with me) - i imagined all of you from here surrounding me, being next to me, and i can't tell you how much safer and stronger i felt.  it may sound weird, but it worked wonders for me at times when i was on very rocky ground.

so, know that we'll be with you the whole time - you just have to think of us and you'll be able to feel our energy.  we can even put up a barrier between you and your folks to help with boundaries and such.  you're not alone, sweetie - ever.

much love, always, safe, warm hugs, and positive energy to help you enjoy your loved ones and stave off any neg. energy coming at you from anyone.

San,

Thank you for liking all the prep I am doing, it is good to hear that.

I love the idea of having ems and the people here around me. You all make me feel safe and loved, so that is perfect. Not weird at all.  :hug: It may help with my boundaries if I start to struggle, especially with my M.

Honestly I am curious about the difference now, since I have made so much progress between now and the last time I saw them. Also I am not going to the family home, am going to q place I have bever been and none od us know very well. Will likely be a much different dynamic.

Lots of love to you dear. I am going to hold onto all the positive energy I can get for this trip, so thank you. Have about 3 days until I will be on a plane. Which is exciting and not.

I am so excited to visit new states and and cities. Also to see my brother on such an important day in his life, and to see my niece growing into a healthy little one.

Anyways thank tou for all that you do my dear :bighug:

I'll be a little rock in your pocket! 😉

Awe thanks!!! I am really grateful for that  :hug: :hug:

Wishing you the best for your trip, Elpha.   :hug:
Hope  :)

Thanks Hope! I have spent today trying to get ready for it (although I don't leave until Tuesday at noon. I really need to be packed and such as I have no real time before I leave because of my schedule on Monday. I likely won't be here super often while I am gone but will report back as I can.

I figure a post after my session with my T tomorrow and then who knows until Sunday.


I have started all of my grad school applications, have the deadlines/ requirements outlined, and am finding myself so intimidated by this process. I know it will all come together but I need to start my CV and my personal statements. Some of me old not good enough habits are creeping. I have so much heart and desire to help people, I just hope it is enough. I do look good on paper, I have been told that but I am nervous and worried I won't get in. Some of my inner critic going off like crazy.  :blahblahblah:


It will pass, I just need to reach for it

My plan leaves in 4 hours!  :cheer: I am really excited to see my niece, sister, and get to be there for my brother on such an important day. I have faith I will keep my boundaries with my family and take care of myself while I am gone. Their chaos is no longer mine to take care of or worry about. I have chunked out time in the morning to go to the hotel gym and do yoga. It will be my alone time in the day to maintain my own self care.  :hug:

I spent my session with my T last night doing a lot of care for my little ones and grounding for my adult self. I am not ready to logically deal with the very young version of myself yet because he truths set my logic spinning and it is a lot. So I promised her I would come back as soon as I can to help her and set her up with someone and her own space kind of like the porch. It will steady her, and serve to remind her I am not mad at her and it is not her fault. That I am glad she is sharing her memories and feels safe enough to do so. Just that when seeing my family it is safer for us both if she stays in her space with the others who will help care for her. I will check on her and them as I can (a suggestion from my T) and help them feel not forgotten while I am gone.

I can be excited because I do believe I will be okay, that traveling to this new space will be fun. I have grown so much in the last six months so this will be an interesting interaction and will probably make me see just how much I have changed.  I hope to notice with curiosity and not with judgement anything that comes up, and to truly just get to enjoy my niece and the better parts of my family. I do love them, despite all of the chaos. They are still my family, and do love me just not in the ways I need them to. From a distance we are better and I have found ways to keep myself healthy and still maintain some relationships with them. Not the most open or connected, but that is what I need for me at this point.

It will be great to get a break from work and the world of grad school apps. I can't do anything while I am gone. I spent this weekend and yesterday prepping everyone. My roommate has food to eat, and a plan for my cats. My work projects are done and I have delegated things to people that need to be done every day. I have made sure everyone knows what to do and put everything in its place the best I could at home. I know that it is not my job to care for everyone, but it is what I did out of habit. I did also take care of myself though, that is what has changed. I was also on my list and have given myself everything I need to succeed at enjoying this trip and not getting triggered etc. For once I made my own to do list and I am proud of that.

I won't be here much until next week, but I will likely still read some on car rides and such. Love you all  :hug:

love you so.  wishing you a wonderful trip.  many hugs, one for each day you're gone.   :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:  i think that's right.  hope so. 

My dear thank you for all the hugs! It is a few too many but I am glad to double up a few days. I leave today and am back on Sunday night. So really it is 6 days ish.  :hug:

ok, then, one for before you leave, and one for after you get back.  how's that?

hope it goes well.  we'll be with you whenever you need us.  so will ems.  embrace that baby and your sis and bro.  i'm so happy for you that you're getting this trip, not only to see your loved ones, but to get a break from the daily grind.  enjoy enjoy enjoy!!!  love you lots, darlin'.

That's perfect!!!

I have snuggled my niece and hughed my brother. It is so good to see them both. Also got some time alone with my sis which we needed. Good to openly talk.

I am maintaining boundaries even with only three hours of sleep for all of us.

It is a great adventure

sounds wonderful, dearie.  love and hugs, and i hope you continue to enjoy with the least amount of neg. vibes possible.

Thanks! Having the ability to focus on my niece and brother helps so much. Spent sometime with my M alone this morning but nothing bad was said, it is odd but okay. My boundaries and reactions are different, it seems to work.

Thank you for the hugs and for paying attention to my journal while I am here  :hug: lots of love.

Things to come back to when I get home: (just a reminder that I need to look at these occurrences because I have feelings about them)

1. My D yelling st me
2. My mom talking about the me too movement, and about how people coming forward later doesn't mean it isn't true
3. My sis being a mom
4. My brother being grown up
5. My own boundaries in all of this
6. Me not going home for Christmas but B doing so
7. Unwillingness to tell M that I am not going home, and that I am applying for grad school...

Those are the big ones. Some bigger than others but I don't have a space to process so I have to hold onto it for later.

Adding to the list. My M is oblivious to why none of us speak up around her. Even for things as simple as seeing a sign she didn't. Disagreeing with her is more dangerous than letting her lead us the wrong way *sigh*

Going to come back to this in pieces as I have energy/time. I managed to catch some sort of respiratory infection on vacation so my energy is zapped.. then being gone for nearly a week leaves a lot of tasks to be done/caught up on. Also my emotions need some time do deal with all of this.

My D yelling at me is probably the biggest thing to hit on. It happened out of nowhere about three days in to my trip. Which was about the time, I had let some of my guard down. No one had said or done anything to set any triggers off. They were well behaved for my family, and manageable without having to be on my toes all the time. So for a small bit I let myself be less hypervigilant  and just enjoy being around my family for the small bit I had. To breathe because I was away from the stress of work, and my day to day life.  My D snapped at me, and what took me by surprise was that it was him and not my M... that I was simply looking out the front window of the rental car and he thought I had a look on my face... when I had looked up simply because I had been reading and hadn't looked at my surroundings for a while. Then my M proceeded to get onto him, but also onto me.. so like she started to defend me and then decided to be mean last second.. It instantly made me emotional, like tears just hit my eyes in a moment where crying would be completely dangerous for me. So I replied something quick, looked back down at my book and blinked them away. Some younger part of me came out and was terrified... some part of me remembered my dad swinging at a wall above my head and punching right through it.. it was a reflex of remembering physical violence and much more verbally abusive instances in my past. I really could not get settled after that. Anytime we were in a car I felt jumpy like I was going to get yelled at for simply existing, so I shrunk back and pretended not to.


My M talking about the Me Too movement is probably the other giant one for me.. I have on many occasions wanted to tell my M about the abuse from other sources. (My M was verbally/emotionally abusive or neglectful, sometimes mildly physically abusive but was never the 'main' abuser in my life) She was blind to a lot of pain in my life, and I did my part of hide it from her because it was how I was going to survive. That being said there is part of me that wants my M to be what I need her to be. That wants her to know what happened because it is not something I should have to keep secret. My story is not evil or poisonous. It is painful and dark, but that isn't my fault. So hearing her talk about the Me too movement, saying that just because someone comes forward so many years later that it doesn't mean it isn't true. That these women do have a reason for waiting so long, and if someone is hurt eventually they will come out and say something. Maybe not to this extent but that they would talk to someone. It was a short moment, but her understanding of those women made me want to say something. Made me hope that maybe telling her would be healthy.. but then I remember who I am talking about.

I am talking about the M that worked in the mental health field, showed nothing but love and concern for her patients, and then turned around and denied my depression and anxiety. The woman that saw my symptoms, locked me away, forced me to keep a food journal, took away my right to talk to my friends, all until it seemed like I was normal again. She forced me to take sleep medication, and drink chicken broth if I wasn't keeping my food down or if she felt I hadn't eaten enough.. I was treated like a prisoner until I learned to look normal. She didn't care if I was truly better, nor did she care to listen to what was wrong, she just cared that I appeared normal. Appearances were more important than my actual health.

So no, I don't tell her. She cares about her patients, but that is it. Her love for her family is conditional, especially when it comes to me. I wish she could truly care like that but I am the exception to her caring about that movement. It would never go as I need it to, because it is about her and not me.  :'( :'( :'(

That fact just feels like it could break my heart today.  :fallingbricks:

Will come back eventually for the rest of this, but I think that is all the emotion I can handle at this moment. Have to take these things in small chunks.

Hey sweet girl,
My heart also jumped for you when reading about your D's outburst.  You didn't deserve it now or back then.  Those PA flashbacks are a BIG part of my story and I'm absolutely blown away by your ability to keep it together with that kind of trigger.  I would almost promise you I would have dissociated right then and there and not be able to do anything the rest of the trip.  Your light kept you safe sweetie   :hug: if it is ok

As far as your M, I think you made the right choice not to share your story with her.  Even if you shared some, I doubt it would bring her around. Honestly, who knows what her response would be?  I suspect maybe she would blow you off again or try to reinforce your inner critic.  So much of your story is close to my heart my dear.  I'm a caregiver by nature.  I always wish I could turn back time and care for you when you were young my friend. 

If you like, you can tell me your story and I'll be your mom.  I will give you the understanding you deserve.

i love db's response to what you wrote, sweetie, and want to tell you that i agree with all of it.  you didn't deserve it then, you don't deserve it now, and i'm not at all surprised that you felt jumpy in the car after that outburst.  yuck!  i just don't get it with people, why they're so mean and nasty to us when we haven't done anything!

and, i don't think that talking to your mom about it may be the best for you, either.  it's a shame, it really is, but it's her shame, not yours.  she is missing out on the enjoyment of the beautiful being you are.  dang, i hate that.   grrrr!  grinds my gears.  i'd also happily be your mom surrogate if you want more than one.  we'll hug you and all the little you's, and ems will be there as well, surrounding you in the wonder of you.

lots to process.  i'm glad you're taking your time.  sending love and a hug full of gratitude that you are you.

Deep blue and San, you are both such amazing people. I can't imagine life without you around (I know that sounds crazy for a forum but it is true). Your gentle, caring souls bring so much into my life  :grouphug:

As far as my D, I know I didn't deserve it which is I think what saved me from that being a bigger trigger for me. I have learned a lot about that and not to let it seep into my own self when it is not truly mine to carry. Boundaries are a funny thing but it helped keep that to a minimum for me. Hard work is paying off I guess.

Thank you both for being willing to be a surrogate mom for me, you are both much more maternal to me than my own M ever has been. Sharing with her would only lead to more hurt for me, because my story would become about her no matter what her reaction was. That is just who she is. With you two, you always listen with kindness and caring for me. I am always beyond grateful for that. You have both listened to more of my story than my M will likely ever know, and maybe one day I will be prepared to tell it to you both in more of a connected, cohesive fashion (like an actual story). For now I will enjoy all of the warmth and hugs you both give  :grouphug: It is amazing to me how you both genuinely care for me, thank you for that. Just sitting here basking in the warmth brings some tears to my eyes, just getting things that I never got to have I guess. Healing and warmth  :hug:



New part of my story to process, as I am getting even more sick I have smaller limits for this junk.... I have been struggling with eating since about the last two days of the trip. I had a moment while we were all enjoying the hot tub that reminded me of my overweight family and how me being small keeps me from being like them... how it always separated me from my family, especially my M. My B, S, and I were always healthier and smaller than the rest of the family. My sis has put on some weight but my B and me haven't truly. However I am at what most would consider a healthy looking weight now... Which for me is over my usual. I always sat on the low side of healthy just naturally... so being at a weight that is "healthy" feels like I am big or over weight for me. So eating has been a struggle. That and with being sick, food sounds awful anyways...

Now, I realize I struggled with eating before my M made it worse but it was out of anxiety that I struggled. It was not yet an eating disorder.. what my mom did when I was about 16 turned it into just that... also led me towards my suicide letter that year. There are a lot of issues in that time frame and I am going to try to stick to the things surrounding food, because Id on't want to open this whole can of worms.

She at one point made me keep a food journal of everything I ate, and puked up.. what times, amounts, etc... When she thought I wasn't eating enough or thought I was lying about what I ate she would make me drink chicken broth... Just warm chicken broth is so salty and gross.. but it was the only thing she would allow me when she was angry at me not eating or not keeping food down. To this day the only time I crave chicken noodle soup, or anything with a chicken broth base is when I am super sick (like right now, I just want to eat soup and sleep). I hadn't realized just how terrible that was until probably the last two or three days. Like I knew it was bad but looking at it now, it was awful and abusive... all under the guise of trying to help me. Where as it probably spiked my eating disorder into what it became.

On top of that during that time period she was forcing me to take sleep medication, despite me telling her I didn't want to take it... that it made me feel funny. I have always taken more strongly to meds than a lot of people, just how my body absorbs them.. so being forced to take meds to make me sleep heightened my anxiety and cptsd symptoms.. which made my eating worse... so awful cycle   :fallingbricks:



Anyways all that to say... I am working through a lot of realizations with her.. and things she will never own up to or recognize. Think this is all I have in me this morning. Back to the porch with tea and a warm blanket. I will rest there all day if I can

Normally I have therapy on Mondays and group on Tuesdays, my T was out of town yesterday and I am feeling unwell so I am electing to not go to group this week either. I wish I could go as I am fond of the group and want to do the healing, but I can't risk getting them sick that would be unfair to them. I also am not truly feeling up to the level of emotional processing that can happen in that room.

I drew the part of piece for group last night, when I thought I was still going. It is a continuation of our timeline that is about our birth circumstances, which I have worked on in my own individual sessions via the early trauma emdr I have been doing. However the act of drawing it was really powerful and mildly triggering tbh, I had to remember to breathe and sit back for a bit because it was a lot emotionally. I split it into four sections: My parents, Great GP, My uncle, and Me. Each depicting the circumstances around me being born. Which for me is where my trauma started (weird to be able to recognize it as true)....

My parents: always angry and fighting, not educated well, and not prepared with a safe home for me.
My G-GP died rather early pregnancy for my M and led to a lot of additional stress on her which then meant me as well
My uncle punch my mom while she was almost full term with me. I am not exactly sure when I just know it was in the last couple of months before I was due.
Then me.. I managed to wrap my cord around my neck so I was lacking oxygen to my brain for a good chunk of time.. They didn't think I would speak or come out okay. Then when I was born I had a tooth they pulled with no numbing because normally infants have small ones without roots and they don't hurt.. mine had a root and I apparently bled like crazy. Meant my M would never help with loose teeth, even to this day she is traumatized by it, let alone what it did to the infant in distress..

Anyways, depicting that was hard... there is a lot there and the thing is I know that is just the foundation trauma in my life. The next piece won't be as emotionally taxing but the one after that is where I start to get into head injuries and abuse from my foo, things that I am just now learning exist in the first place. I am not sure how that is going to go but I will do what I need to as it comes. I will also talk to my T and see how she would suggest it, also to see if after Christmas rejoining the next session is smart. I want to be able to but goodness I worry with as much trauma is packed into my grad school years.  :no:

Seeing this on paper is different I think. I spend an hour or two a week talking about my trauma or processing it in EMDR etc.. but putting it into physical images is a different feeling than that. Maybe knowing that it is the start of me truly being vulnerable in group is hard. It doesn't show any of my major traumas but it is starting to get to that and to show the PA that became normal in my life.

My piece about my M was also that powerful but it was unexpected. I also refrained from speaking specific traumas. Instead talked about her not protecting me, letting people hurt me etc.. how she was blind to what I needed her to see etc.. That is different that stating specific traumas. So maybe that is it. I really don't know, this healing stuff is always hard and there are a million answers to single questions sometimes I think.

I have come a long way but I have even further to go. I will leave the piece until next week but it will then be my turn and that is scary.

i'm on the porch with you, tending to you till you get better.  whatever you need.  hot lemon tea with honey?  more blankets?  a cuddle now and then?  they're yours.  love you.

San and I will both be on the porch for you honey.  I think not going to group was a wise decision.  Your body needs rest more than anything else. I have a stuffed animal heating pad for you too

You both just made me smile so much.  :hug:

San, tea with honey is my go to with some hot chocolate from time I time when I need something to vary it up. Blankets and cuddles as well. I feel very warm, safe, and loved. Perfect for recuperating.

Deep Blue, that sounds lovely. My knee is really sore from the weather and my body could use the heat for just general cold aches  :hug: You are right it was probably wisest to not to go to group

Wishing you some warmth and a lovely relaxing evening.   :hug: to you, Elpha.
Hope  :)

A good friend of mine pointed out yesterday just how often I have been sick in the last few months... all ear/respiratory junk. My immune system is really not doing its job atm. Sadly, as she pointed out, there is probably some underlying reason for my system not defending against these better. I used to never get sick, and now any bug I come into contact with I seem to get and then it mutates to be even worse than whoever had it before me. *Sigh*

This brings me to needing to probably find a doctor to look at it... for anyone that has read much of my journal it is common knowledge how I feel about doctors, and why. In this case it is a necessary evil that I am not looking forward to. However, I am on day 6 of this junk and it isn't getting better. A few of the mothers in my office at work are on me about going and I know I need to, I just hate it. It means money, but also means dealing with the possible trigger of going.

My little ones are really unhappy about being sick though. One because I have no energy to be helping them, it takes all I have to make it through my work days. Two, because when I was sick at those ages I didn't have a particularly good caretaker so they are craving the care they never got and I am only so capable of giving it because I do still have to function at work etc... Also because doctors scare them, more than they scare adult me. I haven't exactly had good experiences with them in my life.  :disappear:

Just waiting on insurance info and I will call around to see if anyone can get me in. Hopefully not too long a wait. I wouldn't normally go in, but my ribs and stomach are hurting from all the coughing I have been doing. It is starting to really drain me, more than I would care to admit.  :whistling:

reaching out in a caretaking way, my darling el.  i've had antibiotic problems in the past as well.   sometimes it's just not the right med for the problem, and yep, a change must be made.  is there any way you can simply call (without having to visit the office), tell them what's happening, and have them issue a new scrip to the pharmacy over the phone?  that could eliminate the office visit and all those neg. feelings.  just thinking out loud here.

sending a hug to all the little you's, too, to help them weather the illness.  just gathering all of you in, ems-style.  hope you feel better real soon, sweetheart.  love you always.

San, thank you for reaching out. Sadly I haven't been to the doctor for any of this so I have just been taking normal over the counter cold meds. Which helped for a time but they don't seem to be affecting this much anymore. I also admittedly don't have just a normal GP at this point, so this will likely take care of that problem as well. It is something I should have, but haven't since I was like 12.  :whistling: I appreciate you thinking aloud, but there is not way to avoid this one.

All my little ones really appreciate the hug, it is warm and comforting. I hope I feel better soon too, I have a million things I want to be doing and this is making it really hard to do any of them. Grad school applications are around the corner, I can't go to the yoga studio feeling like this, and I am starting that trauma informed book club on Saturday. I want to not be coughing my lungs out when I lead that first call. It is beyond exciting to start doing official work with trauma survivors, even if it is just running a book club for a non-profit I am passionate about. I just really want to feel well for it *sigh*

Writing my statements of purpose/ personal statements, for graduate programs is really making me see a lot of things. Like, yes I am a healer by nature always have been. I spent a lot of time trying to not be, because when I had bad boundaries it only got me hurt. That my past filled with abuse, neglect, and other awful treatment does truly affect my decision to go into an MSW program. I don't decide to go into social work because its sounds fun... I am driven to do so because I have seen the worst of the world, braved it alone, and never want anyone to have to go through that. I want to be a light for someone that is trekking through the darkness of trauma (current or past) because I have been there. I know what having a person to help means in these situations. I have lived it and do live it every day. So to try to say that my past is not affecting my decision would be a lie.

However, unlike when I was younger, I can see that isn't necessarily a bad thing. People that don't have trauma readily accept that their experiences fuel their adult choices. Why on earth would it be bad for me to do the same? I spent a long time swearing that my past didn't make me, that I wasn't those experiences, and that I would never allow my past to choose my future. Which meant I stayed away from healing profession and anything to do with healing work, because going into that meant I was letting my past 'win'. I see that differently now. My experiences of trauma aren't all that I am by any means, but they have shaped so much of the person I choose to be. I spent the majority of my life experiencing awful traumas, and denying that part of me is like denying a half of myself... what makes this good though is that I choose to use them for good. I choose to use my lived experience to help someone else maybe have an easier go at it.. or to at least  light their way to peace and healing.

Maybe just maybe letting my past influence this is okay. It gives me the heart to go into this kind of work and love it. To want to do this for the rest of my life.



I need to get that across in my statements.. I need to be able to convey professionally that my experiences as a kid, and even in my own healing work make me perfect for this field. They make me driven, passionate, and so capable of doing good. It is all I have ever truly wanted to do. That light that all of you see in me, I am starting to see it in myself and getting my MSW will help me cultivate that into a career that can potentially help so many people. I could be, as Deep Blue would tell me, a flashlight.

You all inspire me to be better, and to chase after these things. My inner critic is quieter because of all of you, and my faith in me is stronger. Even Wife#2 (miss her soooo much) used to say she saw a light in me, the first time she did still sticks in my head. It is hard to express how much the people here make me a better person, and how this place is like a home but it truly is.  :grouphug:

Done with what turned into a very sappy post. I wanted to just write about the difficulties of these because I was struggling to say what I meant and how my experiences would help, but looks like it came right across here.

I loved this post.  Sappy or not I think it is excellent AND very true. 

I would look at a healing profession as an opportunity to channel the light within you.  In a sense, that's why I got into teaching too.  I wanted to give others what I didn't have as a kid.  I'm proud of what I do.  The way I look at it... kids may not remember exactly what I taught them.... but chances are, they will remember how I made them feel. 

Well done flashlight  :bigwink:

I am glad you loved it. It just kind of happened as I needed to write.

Part one of my adventure to helping people starts Saturday. The Healing Book Club I have been creating for the CPTSD Foundation (related to/ran by the same people as Trauma Recovery University) starts Saturday at 3pm my time. I am nervous to be a leader for it, and still mildly astounded that they chose me for this project. Hoping that my cough can subside long enough to allow me to run it without too much trouble. It is a start to be truly being a light and advocate for other survivors, to share my light.

Now to just write these statements for school.... I can write here but freeze up at the idea of them. I will get there just need to sit down and go for it.

I am glad you look at teaching in the same way. Those kids are so lucky to have you. I would have given anything to have a teacher like you then. Mine seemed to care and do a lot for me in the classroom, but would never have reached out to have action taken like you do for your kids.  :hug:

Thank you for always reminding me of my light. I wear the nickname Flashlight with such honor, it means the world

if you are able to write your thoughts on your application as beautifully as you do here, well, they would be pretty dense not to feel that light and know its truth.  no, our past doesn't have to define us, but it certainly influences us.  i was doing phone counseling long before i became a therapist, influenced by the movie 'the burning bed'.  after i read the book, i was compelled to help other women because it touched me somewhere inside i hadn't been consciously aware of.

you sound so strong in this now, el.  i'm so very proud of you, proud from a mom place within, if that's not being too presumptuous.  i'm just bustin' my buttons, proud that you're in my life.  i do believe that when we follow our passion, it's the very best we can do, and that shines thru all over the place.

fly, darling el.  spread those wings and soar.  we'll be watching your future with admiration and satisfaction.   love and hugs always. sweetie.

San,

I am struggling to write these applications. It feels less genuine and just contrived when I write them... like I am just one of hundreds of people that have some sob story and want to help people because they never got help. I start to answer their questions and put my thoughts in more formal writing and I just feel generic, like nothing about what I write makes me different from anyone else.

Here I can be open and emotional... on those I need to be stable and mature, with wisdom beyond my 24 years... To show professionalism and passion all at once. I don't know how to convert the passion I showed here into writing that is appropriate there. So much pressure lies on these statements because my previous grades and such are all good but that isn't their main deciding factor in these for once. I don't even have test scores to show off this time. I think with my undergrad I could hide behind numbers, pretty references, honors certificates, and an extracurricular sheet several miles long. That doesn't work here.

How to show them who I am, within the range of their questions and font styles. I have written paper after paper, writing is a strong suit of mine but I am freezing with these. I know I am an intelligent, well experienced writer, so it is frustrating to feel so stuck with these. I have written 20 page papers in the span of 8 hours, and used to write 6 page paper every other day without even blinking an eye. On subjects far less familiar than myself.

I will figure it out. I need to just sit down and write... see what comes out and then figure out how to answer their questions with it. To at least give myself a paragraph or two of showing who I am before I address all the particulars. Each school has a different set but they are all asking why SW, why this school, and are you capable. Just in very different ways.


Thank you for seeing my strength in this decision, and being proud of me. I have no problem with you being proud from a sort of mom place within you, not presumptuous at all. I am grateful to have you to care about me like that. It means the world.

Hopefully my wings don't get stuck, I am trying to learn to spread them out fully. I have flown before but this is a different full wingspan type flying that I am not quite used to.

Love to you my dear. I am beyond grateful for you sharing so much light and love.  :hug:

i know what these applications are like, having been there myself.  not fun, nervewracking, wanting to get it just right.  do you need letters of recommendation?  can you get any?  i don't doubt they'd go a long way to help you.

i came to this from an undergrad college that didn't have grades (the grad school i chose was in the same city and was aware of how that curriculum worked), but we needed 3 letters from profs, sealed.  i don't remember anything about what i wrote, tho.  i think i just asked god to give me the words, and let my pen do its thing.  maybe that doesn't work for you, but you'll find your own way.

best to you with this, sweetie.  i think you'd be wonderful for this profession.  as far as why sw, it's the degree that allows the most flexibility in the helping professions.  that's how i always looked at it, anyway.  i certainly didn't want to become a soc. worker, per se, but the msw is what allowed me to become a therapist.  it was a means to an end.

fingers crossed and prayers flying.  take a deep breath, let it out, relax, and let the powers that be help you.  you don't have to do it on your own.  love and hugs, always.

I appreciate you sharing your understanding here. It is nerve wracking to get it just right. I want so badly to get into a program. Yes, all schools require at least two, most of them require three. I have a list of people I am composing emails to for these. I am sending them my updated resume as well as a sample statement of purpose so they can write well informed letters.  They should help me a lot.

I will find my way into writing, normally I sit down with some music and tell myself to just write. Let is flow without thinking too much at first and then go back to correct it. I need to just put myself in the write head space to do that. I have also really wanted to start writing a book when all of this is done. I doubt I will finish it anytime soon but it is on a list of things I want to do in my life, and I feel inspired to write it.

The MSW is a means to that end for me as well, which a lot of schools recognize as a very valid path in this way. All of the schools I am applying to certainly do, and offer some form of trauma informed care focus/certificate/emphasis etc.. so I can further my own specialized interests while getting the general knowledge as well. I have truly done my research and work on this path.

Thank you for the prayers and crossed fingers, I need them both. I will sit and just let writing happen at some point. I am glad to not be alone  :hug:

So I have a doctor's appointment in a like 3 hours for whatever respiratory infection I have.. Made the appointment and then made a possible follow up for just a general GP check up in a few weeks. Did the call and everything without too much of a scare but goodness I am an anxiety ball now. I have a big fear of doctors to the extent it is an avoidance of them, despite my need to see them. I have gone over a year and a half without seeing one because one I am generally healthy, two finances, three I am just terrified of them. Unless I absolutely have to I avoid them like the plague.  My prospective GP would also be able to do the female exam at some point, which I think I avoid even more than just general doctors..

This fear is certainly not without cause. The last time I saw a doctor it was at an urgent care, and he sexually harassed me while also doing nothing to actually treat me. I choose to go in, and was very anxious about doing so because I don't have a good relationship with doctors.. It bit me in the tail, and cost me a lot of money to just be harassed.. This one is with a female, whom I don't know, but has good reviews and is covered by my new insurance. All things point to this being okay and safe.. but that does not help the terrified parts of me that have no trust in doctors.. That as a little kid have blurry memories of something at a doctor's office not being right.. and whose abusers claimed they were care takers or learned things from doctors that would help me, when really they were just abusing me in ways I can't bring to words right now.

Nothing about doctors has ever been safe.  :no: :disappear: :fallingbricks:

Dear Elpha,
I just wanted to send you a hug of support and also hope that your appointment will be ok - it's good to hear that the female doctor has good reviews.  Maybe imagine the adult you holding a supportive golden bubble of love and protection - all safe and secure, around your littles - or another similar visual that works for might work for you, and I hope very much that you'll be ok.   :hug: to you Elpha.

I really empathise with your fear of doctor's - I have also experienced fear about this, and still do.


But I hope you'll be ok.  Thinking of you.   :hug:
Hope  :)

Thank you Hope  :hug: The visual is a really helpful idea.

I should be okay, will go, get it over with, and then go home to do some major self care.

Managed to contract bronchitis, so I have lots of meds and should be feeling better soon.

The doctor wasn't too bad, she qas nice and not triggering, just the office so i am okay. Just glad there is an explanation for all of this.


Funny enough my M (who I caught this from) went to the doctor today too and had it so bad they told her she would have been in the hospital Monday had she not gone in today. Glad I went and that she went. As she said it is bad when we both go in.

Says a lot as we bith avoid doctors for different reasons

Definitely feeling imposter syndrome and an obnoxious inner critic. My roommate pointed it out as I was telling her that my CV doesn't appear to be full enough.. that my volunteer experience and education seems small when put on paper. I know that is a lie that my ICr is telling me, it is good at telling me I am not enough. That my accomplishments are not enough.


The medicine from yesterday is helping although the steroids they gave me for my lungs make me jittery. The trigger from the doctor was honestly not too bad, maybe I am making some progress.


The book club went well, it was nerve wracking but I have officially held my first live virtual meeting for trauma survivors. It is beautiful to have the ability to do so. I will grow into the opportunity I think 

Lots going on but I am struggling to put into words what is swirling around tonight. Maybe it will come to me. For now I will leave it there

Keep taking the time you need to heal sweetie.  You are correct that your ICr is lying to you. In my experience it tends to try and speak up and kick me when I'm down.  I'll tell it to hush up for you.

You are enough.  You are more than enough.  Many people don't do any volunteering.  Many people have not overcome what you have overcome.  Many people lack compassion.  You are articulate and wonderful my dear. Hope you feel better and better each day  :hug:

I will try to be patient with the healing, although that is truly difficult sometimes. I am not the most patient with sick. Thank you for telling my ICr to be quiet.

Your kind words mean a lot. It helps that I have come far enough to see truth in them. My icr is just creative sometimes  :hug:

Trying to put last night into qords will be harder today, but I came home and had sooo many words. I will borrow from them.

I feel so hopeful and positive. Had a good session last night. Going back over treatment plans and assessments (insurance purposes and what not) made me see how much progress I have made in nine months.

Then recognizing just how far I have come from High school. I didn't ever believe I would get to be healthy. Flashbacks, panic attacks, and nightmares every day were my life. I figured either it would kill me or I would learn to just deal with them. My current reality would have been unimaginable for me back then.

But last night, seeing my ptsd scores drop 20 points and be in a space where it is hard to deny the fact I will likely celebrate a day where I don't fit that diagnosis anymore is huge. Hearing ny T celebrate the drop, but then be even more exicted because she is so certain that we will get to celebrate that day. I love her use of we sometimes, reminds me I trult have a therapist that celebrates this big moments.

It still feels like a foreign idea, but seeing how the criteria are represented and just knowing how much has changed it feels possible. Like one day, I will have symptoms but they won't be something I deal with daily.. that I can have a full career and life that isn't driven by how my trauma is affecting it currently. The idea I might not always be able to say I have cptsd is mind blowning.

I let myself get excited and hopeful yesterday, seeing the progress and seeing where I still have yet to go. It was a amazing to let myself blow my own mind.

I will keep healing and working towards that possibility. I am feeling grateful for the journey this morning.

I know group tonight will be hard, so I am trying to hold on this.

 :cheer:

That's awesome! I like that she said we too.

May I also say we at the forum are happy for you?  :grouphug:

QuoteMay I also say we at the forum are happy for you?  :grouphug:

:cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

Thank you both  :grouphug: I love that I can celebrate here and be heard. Even if that means I may not always fit the cptsd diagnosis in a place that is for just that.

I know it will be a while, but if I drop like I did in the last nine months again by the time I go to grad school it is completely possible I won't meet enough of the criteria. I didn't truly know that was possible, and certainly never imagined I could be saying it was possible for me. It gives me hope and all the more motivation to go on and help so many other people reach that too. It may not happen this year, or even in five years granted it seems like it will unless I just choose to stop healing, but that isn't in my nature.

Part of me is almost brought to tears by it at this moment for the girl I was even a year ago. I had no idea how far I would come. I did even a year ago believe that I would either learn to deal with the symptoms and function despite them, or I would finally decide it was too much. I remember being truly suicidal a year ago. Last September I believe was the last time I truly wanted it to end, but there was a lot of wondering whether or not that would come back for a good portion of this year. So for that girl, and for the girl in hs that used to hide in her room because she didn't know where she was because of a flashback or who had to put on a face after a panic attack that put her on the floor, I weep inside a bit. There is a grief for all of the pain, from back then... I mean there is pain now too but it is different. Somehow over the last year it has changed forms and become more manageable because I have done lots of work. I feel like that was a jumble, but it is just emotional for me in this moment.

I will likely have more to tell after group today as well, but it will be different. I am nervous to do my piece this week.

Encouragement and supportive thoughts for you, dear beautiful Elph!  :hug:

Thank you, Three Roses  :hug: :hug: Means the world.

I am calmer now, just got into my emotional brain a bit this morning. I have worked through the mass of anxiety to see a lot of fear of rejection going on with some of my littles, and just some reluctance to trust from them because the trauma is so much of who they are. It is like the worst safety blanket ever, but they don't know any different. That unknown is scary.

Then the idea of letting group into some of the more sticker things is hard. We are just doing birth circumstances but those nine months are a start to my traumas. To the pattern of family dysfunction, death, physical abuse, and just general trauma. So I want to hide  :spooked: I will be brave though. My T and I talked about the next session, and she likes having me in group but did also want to make sure we and truly I thought through how that would function as we get into the older ages. If we stick with the timeline, I am not sure I can be comfortable with trying to depict that part of my life. I would either be omitting large chunks of trauma, or probably overwhelming myself trying to put the big T traumas down. My life from the age of 2 to 13 is just trauma after trauma, I live in a state of constant fear and survival mode. I can put myself through those in my normal sessions, but I feel like that is too much to share, too much to do sculpts on. I have come a long way but it is hard to envision myself being able to do that.

I love group and being able to process work I am currently doing, but I don't think that working through those traumas in that way would be particularly helpful for me or the group. I would love to do more work on my M and maybe general stuff about some of my abusers but nothing like what I think will happen if I choose to stay. This does mean I may be able to have a second session in my week with my T to really hammer away at this stuff. I would love to be able to do that.

We will see how it goes. If group changes and goes back to how she used to do it I will stay. If not I think it is not the way in which I will best heal. This early stuff is okay but the later parts of my life are too much (sad later in this case means after I am 2)  :no:

I feel like I am a bit all over the board today. Will see how it continues to go. I really can't wait for lunch break at this point.

love you, el.  you go, girl!    :cheer:

Thank you my dear  :hug: love you too

Hi Elpha,
I wanted you to know that I've read some of your Journal, and wanted to send you a gentle supportive hug  :hug:
Hope  :)

Thank you hope  :hug:

Coming here again after I have had the chance to process and realize some things after my session Monday. 

I was, and still am, very encouraged and hopeful. Seeing that kind of progress and getting to recognize how far I have come it great. It reminds me I am healing exponentially because I am afforded a lot of chances at this point in my life. I happened to find communities of people that are healing, a few very close friends that are safe people, and then my wonderful therapist. I know just how lucky I am. But also know even with that if I wasn't doing the work I wouldn't be healing.

Anyways, not what I came here to say. The good from Monday led to a lot of realizations and broke into some strong anxiety. Both about group last night and just life in general. I realize even being sick for two weeks with bronchitis and having just gotten back from a trip with my Foo, I was still trying and succeeding at over functioning. Which led all the good from Monday to be completely overwhelming on Tuesday.

I just reached the most positive hopeful moment I have had in possibly forever, and it caused nightmares and anxiety bevause this junk is so convoluted. So I struggled to be kind to myself because it felt ridiculous to be bothered by the good.

However I realized that the idea of not having ctpsd one day is scary as much as it is positive. The fear of that unknown and the uncertainty that comes with the idea of having to figure out who I am without it at some point a lot. It also just became hard to trust that I could have that level of good.

I guess all this is to just be open with all of you. If I can celebrate, I can certainly be honest about how that celebration turned nerve wracking and scary. Especially for younger parts of me that still hold a lot of hesitation.

Either way I am still encouraged but also very humbled by it.

There are a lot of thoughts surrounding all of this but it will come in pieces. I spent my drive home after group last night talking aloud to myself to just get wrapped around some of it

I am finding that I need to work on my need/just habitual desire to over function. I mean I have been better about it than I ever used to be, but I find myself guilting myself for not doing it.. or stressing over things because I am not over functioning as much. I still have a hard time just sitting and being, like my body and mind do not understand that concept super well.

Even when I am sitting, I feel like I am constantly processing some information.. like I am processing some realization I had towards healing, or a email that someone sent hours ago that I am finally recognizing how I need to respond to it.. or thinking about the work thing that isn't done or what needs to be done tomorrow. My mind gets so little quiet time.

There are normally two underlying layers going on at all times. (sometimes three or four) The first is my healing, I don't think I ever fully put that away, it is always underlying and realizations are always spinning etc.. I am not sure if that is normal or not, will ask my T if there is a way to kind of calm this a little. Then the second one is a running list of everything I need/should/want to be doing, even into the next week. Those never turn off, and when I was getting to do yoga frequently they were getting shut off at least a few hours a week, normally like three or four which was enough to feel like I was getting some rest. I want to though find other ways to help shut them off, because I can't rely on yoga when I am sick or traveling, or when my schedule doesn't allow for the time it takes to get a long enough yoga session in to get to that place of quiet.

The addition of applying to graduate school, balancing my volunteering, with my own healing, all  while my job is adding on more responsibilities to my plate and cross training me is making it more and more difficult to find a place of quiet.

Will likely do some reading, and just see if I can find something in the interim before I see my T next week. It is something I think will help me focus when I am working because I will hopefully have more energy if I am managing to find the quiet once in a while.

Has been a while since I have written here. It has been a very full week of activity but also self care. I think I struck a decent balance as the week went on.

Today I have accomplished a lot and it is not even noon. I have written some social media posts for the Healing Book Club I am running, and finished my resume for school applications. Even bigger than both of those I have started a personal statement draft that feels true to myself and my journey to this place. It has been a long and very full road, even if I am only 24, my years have been filled with challenges and experiences that are beyond my age. I believe that my draft is showing them that. It sounds like something that is true to me and only me. It shows my inner beliefs that were challenged and how I have grown organically into this degree and career choice. That I am not just like every other sob story that wants to turn her experiences into good for others.. which is a great thing and certianly part of it, but my story is individual and my statement needs to reflect that. I don't feel so generic now as I write.

Maybe I will even share some of it here if anyone wants to see it.

Either way I am feeling accomplished and hopeful still. The anxiety of my to do list is still there but less so than it was now that I have started this process.

 :applause:

Quote from: Elphanigh on November 11, 2018, 05:32:02 PM
Either way I am feeling accomplished and hopeful still. The anxiety of my to do list is still there but less so than it was now that I have started this process.

I always want to read anything you share sweetie  :yes:

Finding the balance is so important in my journey and I'm glad to hear you say you struck the balance this past week.

Thank you both  ;D

So last night during group it was my turn to share birth circumstances and do a sculpt on it. We focused more on my connection with my parents than the other things that were going on. We gave them items to show all of the ailments and struggles that they held that were keeping them from being as connected to me as they needed to be. Then we took those off, creating a sort of magic family. One that was healthy and good for me,

For a bit I could feel the warmth and the safety that it brought to have that. To be connected to them, sitting with my inner child and allowing each of my magic parents to have a hand resting on me. Then the second I started to cry it is like I froze.. blinked away tears and couldn't feel. Like the second grief rears its head I just stop. I numb and get stuck. So I felt like it wasn't the most productive healing but it brought some realizations which is powerful. It also meant that my T had us all get up and move and dance to a song. Was her way of including everyone in getting me unstuck, she saw how stuck I was when I did not know it. I wasn't feeling so I didn't recognize what was going on inside of me. eventually did and had a rough ish night last night but I feel like I have bounced back.

So realizations I had... I used to be scared of my anger and frustration as a whole, and was unable to confront or process it. Now that I have processed through a lot of it, it is almost like a shield. It is an easier emotion to deal with than the grief that needs to come. I don't feel angry at her, but I also do feel like I am able to let go enough to grieve. I still don't believe that I can ever forgive my parents, their decisions led to a lot of * in my life and nothing they say or do will ever change that fact. I don't forgive them, and I may never forgive.I won't always be angry but that doesn't mean I forgive.

Grief feels like it comes with the expectation to forgive, and I know logically that is not the case at all. However, I can't quite shake the connection. I don't fear grief like I did but something it stuck, I just don't know what it is. Like I don't find that I am truly angry anymore, like I have said and processed a lot of anger. I also recognize why things happened the way they did. As an adult I understand it. It doesn't make it okay, but I understand it.

However, there is something there blocking grief. I am not intentionally avoiding feeling it, matter of fact I wish it would come so I could start to work through it, but I have missed something somewhere. Some piece or thought that needs attention first. I don't fear getting stuck in grief, but it is also just wholly unfamiliar to me. I have experienced a lot of death in my life, and other tragedies and I am not sure I have ever truly grieved any of them. I didn't know how, and it is hard to grieve when you are constantly in survival mode. I am not sure it is possible to properly grieve when in that state.

I had plenty of experience with anger in my life, although I was afraid I knew what it looked like. I also had experience of the anxiety, fears, and just terror. So processing them felt familiar in a way. Grief is a new territory and that unknown is honestly a little scary. It is hard to trust someone to lead me through that. Maybe my distrust and skepticism is holding me back too. I have trusted my T with so much, but I still find that I have never cried in her office, gotten close but never truly happened. I also know I used to cry all the time after sessions. Would just go home and weep for a while, that hasn't happened in a long time. I think because I have been in a better place but at the same time it means I really haven't had a truly good cry in over several months. Like last I remember is around when my older dog passed away, which has admittedly been 3 or 4 months.

I do feel like I am genuinely doing better on a regular basis but just feel like something is holding me back here and nothing that I come up with feels like it is the correct thing. I think I will know and feel it when I find that piece.

Will likely come back here to think some more, but for the moment I think this is enough rambling.

My mind feels like it is bouncing between memories this afternoon. Like I am still okay, and not flashback like but it is flipping through them from time to time. Trying I think to probably tell or show me something. I don't fully recognize all of them. Most of it is sexual abuse of some nature, but the abusers are different.. so it is connected to my SA as a kid.

I know last nights processing was on my immediate family, and someone asked about the uncle that hit my M when she was third trimester. Because when asked by my T who took care of baby elpha I said that my Uncle and grandparents did while my M or D were working. So someone asked it if it was the same Uncle, which of course in my life it was the same one. So the realization they left me with his was rough, because I knew it but it hadn't settled in.

I know later in life at least some he had abused me, and there is one memory that is newer to me that is from around when I was like 2 that feels like it was him, so maybe there was something earlier.. or that one from me being so young is creeping up because I have not been paying as much attention to that younger part of me recently. I am trying to get to a space I can sit with her and hear what she has to say, but that is hard. I still struggle to want to sit with her. I need to, but what she holds is another layer of awful to add to my list. I know that isn't her fault, and it isn't her that is awful it is what she went through but goodness I struggle to sit with her. So I will try, but carefully.

With the holidays I don't see my T for a individual session until the 3rd, unless something drastic happens, which I really don't want. So I don't want to get into something too big if that makes sense.

I have already told her I want to work on grief when we have our next session but little me may need to take the lime light first. Maybe she is what needs processed, because it does feel rather crappy to know my parents continued to let my uncle be in my life, even alone as a kid growing up after he did what he did to my mom. I honestly am not sure he didn't abuse my M when she was younger.. the way she talks and has talked about things in the past makes me wonder. hmm..

My roommate totaled her car last night on the way back home from work. She is completely okay and I wasn't there but I have heard about it. I am first just super grateful she is okay, and well. Also that she is dealing with all of this with help from her D and not putting that on me because I warned her I emotionally cannot handle that.

Car wrecks are a triggering subject for me, and after having been triggered by group on Tuesday I am worn out so it is harder to deal with. I am managing though. However I am struggling with memories and body sensations. November is a hard month for death anniversaries for me, particularly around car deaths. Last week was the anniversary for the death of a dear friend of mine 6 years ago from a car wreck, next week (I beleive) is the anniversary of one from 9 years ago, and then there have been a few other deaths of people I knew from cars in this time of year. I also was in two car wrecks about this time of year (matter of fact one hits its 4 year anniversary next week..) I wasn't driving in either but came out bruised and traumatized from them both.. both of them totaled the car I was in and the other car hit where I was sitting..

To top those off, I almost lost my dad to a wreck last year and a friend of mine did lose her father figure to a wreck about 3 years ago this time. There are also a myriad of death anniversaries from other things that scatter the period between October and Christmas. Which I have been handling well but I just remember so much.. and am seeing the car wrecks I have seen happen that ended up with casualties and ones that were described to me in too much detail when I was far to young to be hearing them...

So I am struggling with memories today, struggling with the large amount of death I have known and seen in my life.


Yesterday evening, before all this happened, I was hit by just the large amount of crap I was dealt.. the fact that the adults in my life sucked and all of them are still around small children on a regular basis now. That my abusers have access to kids and that is terrifying to me... the realization sometimes of just how much I  have gone through.. how many decks of crappy cards I was dealt... lived through and then just dealt another hand of crap.. I am healing from that and starting a new but sometimes the trauma hits me as a whole. Like big picture just smacks me in the face. Normally that means something big is processing and I am sure it is.. although not sure what realizations are about to happen.. but something.

Either way this is me today. I think I am off to the porch to rest. Holding all of this is too much today. I am choosing to try to let some of it go.

Managing is good, but I'm glad you are going to the porch for a bit.

Self care is very wise my dear

Yeah.. managing will get me through work but it won't help me bounce back. I plan to take a nice bath with a cup of tea and a good book tonight for self care. It will help my body to let go of some of what it is holding onto. Having the porch as a little mental getaway is helping as well just until I can get there.

I realize it is a lot to take in, and I wasn't fully giving it credit until I started to write all of that out this morning.

Thankfully I have a sort of spoil myself day planned for Saturday. I have a haircut scheduled at a place that gives you a glass of wine or really nice coffee and spends time really massaging the head and neck before getting the haircut itself. Then I am going shopping with my roommie for a few things which will be great. I have gotten to be pampered in a long time, or bought anything for myself in even longer so I am excited. I think it came at exactly the right time, without me even knowing. I have had it scheduled for a few weeks

Victories happened today  :cheer:

I do feel like I have bounced back from my triggers the last two nights. I am doing well at work. But better is what happened with my M today, and with my old flute teacher. We will start with E (its what I call her here), she commented on a post on fb.. a picture of me three years ago today at my half recital in college. Something along the lines of " a good memory!" , which I promptly in my head went no, I was being strung along by you.. but I played beautifully despite it..
Either way, I stopped and recognized she doesn't deserve space in my head any more or that kind of energy. It felt peaceful and doesn't bug me.

My M.. I haven't talked in about 2 weeks which is good and huge for me. But she messaged today asking how I was, and saying she had missed me. Real purpose was to ask about christmas but she did at least ask about how I was for a few minutes first. When I told her I wasn't coming home, she respected it and was okay. She didn't make it about her or try to guilt me one bit. So while we were on a roll I decided I would tell her about me applying to grad school. Might as well get it all out of the way at once. She was happy and ecstatic for me, again not making it about her or pushing any boundaries. She asked where I was applying and normal human questions with this without digging or guilt tripping or spinning it. She seemed genuinely excited and thrilled. Even told me she thought I would do really well in that field, agreed with me that it was perfect for me.

Now that I have had time to sit with it, and really absorb it, tears are trying to come out. I can't right now but I will allow it organically later tonight. I feel validated and supported by her for the first time in basically forever. She has supported and loved me before, but this feels different. This feels genuine and kind. Not about her, or my accomplishments.. purely excited because I am so happy to be moving forward with this. It feel like unconditional support and happiness for me.

There is a younger part of me (and even the adult part of me on some level) that feels more sure and validated because she chose to be kind today. Some part of me wanted that support and love.. I have been putting telling her these things off for a solid month because I didn't want to deal with the fallout. I wanted to get to be excited about school and not guilted about Christmas. I was so afraid she would take both of those things away from me. I was scared she would react poorly or to make it all about her.. so this is miraculous. The younger parts of me are jumping with joy. There is a warmth and love that they haven't had in so long. I know it was pointed at adult me today, but those little ones needed that love. It is something I try to give them, and it is never so strong coming from me. To get it from someone they so desperately want it to come from is astounding. I gave up long ago on having that from her.. so getting it is a shock.. It feels better than I could have imagined. I know it is small but it is a moment I needed.

Does this mean I will suddenly have a better relationship with her? no Does it mean I will start telling her things more readily? No.. but does it mean I can start to maybe have a more adult relationship with her? yes. I can try to have that. At least maybe starting with grad school stuff. Not much else but with grad school stuff I can try. Still protecting myself, but I can take this moment and try.

For now my littles are feeling so many different things. I am not sure why there are so many tears that want to happen for something so happy but they do. I think a touch are tears for joy, and the others are a sad grief from the parts of me that needed this earlier in life.

I am choosing not to should myself. I could say that I should not be letting this feel good, and shouldn't trust it, or shouldn't be making a big deal out of it. However, this is a big deal for parts of me. It is a big deal to see my mom treat me like another adult and to not be self focused. It is a big deal and it is okay to feel however I am feeling about it. I deserve to feel whatever I feel.. after years of not getting what I needed from her or anyone else, I deserve to feel whatever comes up in this moment. I deserve to enjoy this but I also deserve to get to be skeptical. I deserve a lot I never got, and I am slowly healing and giving much of it to myself.. but in moments I can get it from others I deserve to allow that to happen.

I feel like I deserve love, and support. That I deserve the validation and excitement because it is exciting. I am going into something that I will make such a difference in, and am growing to be such a beautiful soul.. and a strong one. I deserve this, and all that comes from it.

Okay, going to stop before I actually make myself cry.

QuoteI feel like I deserve love, and support. That I deserve the validation and excitement because it is exciting.

You do! :cheer:

Thank you Three Roses. It is a belief I have been trying to cultivate and it is just really coming full circle tonight. Hopefully it stays for a while, it is refreshing and I think would open some healing doors to have it here longer and more fully.  :hug:

it sounds like a big deal to me, and i'm so very glad for you, el.  i know the relief i've felt when i've finally gotten some long sought-after validation.  it doesn't mean that everything will change, but that moment in time is a very needed boost - at least that's how it's felt for me when it's happened.

and, i echo 3r - you totally deserve all the good things life has to offer.  it sounds like a cliche, but it's really true.  enjoy enjoy enjoy!

love you my dearest.   :bighug:

Thank you for validating all of that San. It is a sort of relief. I am still kind of in awe about how my M is handling all of this. Even this morning I message to ask something I needed to know and she was good and adult like still. It is a different feeling from our usual conversations. I am kind of hoping we will at least continue to have the adult conversations surrounding all of this.

For now I will try to enjoy the relief that comes with having the validation and support from her.  :hug: Not sure what to make of it in some moments but I am just choosing to accept whatever comes up.

Tomorrow is the day I get to chop my hair and I am stoked. It is a change I have really needed

Love you so much my dear :big hug:

Hi Elpha,
I hope you enjoyed having your hair done, and that you like the outcome.  I know you were excited about having it done, and I bet you look great.
:hug: to you.
Hope  :)

Thanks for remembering Hope! It went really well and I love the change  :cheer:

i love new hairstyles - i change mine a lot and it's always fun.  glad you're enjoying yours, el.

love and hugs always, sweetie.

I love them too. I used to change mine more frequently when I had easy access to a built in stylist.. now that I don't my finances don't always allow it. Next thing I want is color but the cut feels like enough change right now. I lost about 8 inches off of my hair and it is great. It feels lighter and much more me. It fits well, still chin length so I have room to play but it suits me as a person better than the long hair did.

Anyways I feel like with the new adventure I am embarking on and all the change that has happened it is symbolic as well. Life changes so my hair needs to as well I guess lol  ;D

Will post her about lots of thought later. I am still really working on taking in all of the good and positive that everyone is sending my way, and that even I am sending my way.  Everyone has so much faith in me, including me now. One of the people I admire and am having write some of my recommendations for grad programs told me last night that "you will be a phenomenal trauma-informed practitioner. That much is evident to me." It meant the world. She had kinder words even over a message thing morning.. I am just in awe still. This is someone that dedicates her life to survivors and to putting resources out there to help anyone current and in the future that needs a  hand. I look up to all that she does, and see her as a sort of mentor but also as a friend. It is just amazing.

I am still soaking in the acceptance from my M.. Hearing the good and validation from her still strikes me.

Then I am also starting to believe in myself. I am seeing the life this could give me and the change I am so capable of making in this world. I believe I am capable of making a difference, and that this is truly my path. This is what I am meant to be doing. That will shine through in my applications, I will get in somewhere and start on a new journey in the fall. I will then spend two years in school learning and growing so I can go on to practice and help people full time. I could be practicing on my own in less than three years.. I know that sounds like a long time but it feels really short when you look at all that has brought me to this place, and the amount of time I spent on my original degree.

Anyways there is so much positive. I am still working with the negatives but am using the positive to have a solid foundation from which to work and process.

My heart is bursting for you my dear.  I'm so glad you are able to start seeing some of the wonderful things about yourself too!
:bighug:

Thank you my dear :bighug: I don't know yet what to do with all of it, but I am working on embracing it. Starting to have faith in myself and my abilities is a beautiful thing. I feel like I am starting to be ready to take on the world with such energy and passion. I don't feel like hiding anymore, and can truly say that I believe I have something worthwhile, and worth listening to. Shining bright and hopefully helping others see along the way.

Goodness, I am still almost brought to tears by all of this. Good tears of course, it is new feeling. One that feels like I am just authentically myself as I deserve to be. Always a journey more into that space but this all feels so true to who I am and what I believe. It gives me hope. I am always full of hope now, even in darker moments it comes out and helps those moments not be dark as long.

Anyways, I get excited and ramble because I am not sure how to process all of the good yet.

i believe it is symbolically, historically, for women to cut their hair when a major change or realization comes along in their lives.  there was a vivid example of that in the movie 'legends of the fall'.

i don't have enough words to express how so very happy i am for you, my darling el.  all this good stuff you're getting from others (by the by, i totally agree with what that woman who wrote your recommendation said about you, your capability as a healer, and your belonging in the helping universe.   you will be amazing at it, of that i have no doubt.) is no less than you have ever deserved.

and the idea that you're beginning to be ok with it, embrace it, bring it in and believe it, believe in yourself - dang, honey pie.  it can only get better from here.  your past is becoming the stepping stone to your bright future.  who'd a thunk it?!

i'm bustin' my buttons with pride for you.  you are on your way, and the splash you're going to make will drown out any naysayers that had ever put you down as not good enough.   i can't say enough good things about what you've accomplished.  your light, el, shining brighter each day.  love and hugs, always.

I am glad you get the symbolism behind it as well. I have never seen that movie but will have to look it up. I can't  help but thing Mulan because I grew up on Disney and chopped my hair much the same. Anyways it is symbolic for me as much as it is just a good change.

Thank you for expressing your happiness for all of this, and for validating what she said to me. It is taking a lot of good coming in for me to start to believe all of this. The idea that I have always deserved this blows my mind, so thankf you for saying that. I need to work on believing that as well.

I hope the splash is big and glorious my dear. For now I would settle for just being able to be in the water and belonging. I think I will do more than that, but that in itself would be good.

Your kindness makes me smile, and truly warms my heart. It is so nice to see my hard work noticed and jut feel like someone see the authentic me  :hug: lots of love to you my dear

Quoteyou are on your way, and the splash you're going to make will drown out any naysayers that had ever put you down as not good enough

I concur!  :cheer: you're going to have so much compassion and wisdom to share. Well, you already do! 😉

Three Roses that means a lot. I am glad to already have it, but am excited to have so much more. Both from my continued healing journey, and from learning in school what I need to be effective in helping others process. It is a thrilling prospect and I can't help but smile when I imagine that future for myself  :hug: Thank you for all the support!

You're quite welcome, you deserve it.

I am learning to see that. Feeling deserving of all this good is still hit and miss. I think definitely gets into imposter syndrome, which I am working on. Fun little side effect of all this cptsd junk  :whistling:

Quote from: Elphanigh on November 21, 2018, 05:28:54 PM
I can't help but smile when I imagine that future for myself

Hi Elpha - I am smiling too -  :) and sending you a hug  :hug:
Hope  :)

Haven't posted here in a bit, but lots has happened. Today I am sitting with ems today, here nurturing nature is exactly what I need today. Thankfully I have quiet and calm at home today, no loud noises or sudden outbursts which is what I need to keep in this somewhat okay space.

My inner two year old finally shared fragments of the memories, and the somatic feelings that go with that and also fill the gaps between what shattered bits I do have. It is awful stuff, nothing that surprises me but it hurts. It being more somatic than visual is the more difficult part for me today, I am used to emotional or visual, not normally so in touch with the physical sensations of it. This is very much in my physical body and will need some somatic releasing. I can see what Mondays sessions will be.

I am grateful that my t and one of my closest friends have validated this experience and told me they believe me when I asked, because I needed that today. I needed someone to say they believe me when I say that I have fragments and body memories from when I was around two. That I can feel them and know them.. not a linear and whole as the memories from when I was older experiencing similar abuse but they exist and are real. I needed to know someone could believe that. Without telling them what I was seeing or feeling because I was not ready for that. One day I will but not in this moment.

So I sit here grateful for everything that is moving and going well in my life, but also struggling with these pieces. It is a balance. I have spent most of my time under blankets with warm liquid and cats today, it helps. Slow and steady, trying not to push me or any of my younger parts

Silent support to you from me  :yes:

Thank you, Deep Blue  :hug: I appreciate the support coming in a calm, quiet form today

So I was remembering from when I was like two. I got fragments of memories kind of on loop last night a few hours after my therapy session. Caused a pretty intense body shaking flashback. I managed to calm down from that on my own, with lots of grounding (there is progress hidden in all of this)

The images are not necessarily surprising or like the worst of anything I have seen or experienced. I am quite used to them on some level, and there are certainly more traditionally horrific things that easily come to mind.

But this is more outright abuse from a younger age than I would have before said was the case. I know I came upon that realization before vacation but had really been trying to deny it. At least until I could deal with it consciously. There was a part of me that was afraid to remember and know things. Because I want there to not ever be more, I want what I know to be my truth and story to be enough, it certainly is for any one person.

The idea I was abused more overtly at two or younger, does kind of help understand why I wouldn't have dissociated much when I was five or six.  It also is just still very painful something about that age makes it worse to me. I know logically it really isn't but emotionally I am struggling more to accept it. However I do have images and my body certainly feels is very strongly.


*trigger warning*


From what I can tell I was rather conditioned to play a game... in the sense you teach a child a special game and it becomes a secret so the little kid feels cool and important. Which is not the only time something of that form happened, but this felt and appeared different from others. It feels a lot different coming from that age than it did in times when I was older that I understood what it meant..l when I was older I knew it meant some form of hurt but that young i didn't understand or know, and certainly didn't have words for it. I had no basis of understanding so I don't connect words so easily, and my body feels all of the fear and confusion etc

*end trigger warning*


I have wanted nothing but to curl under blankets, have warm things, and kind of cocoon myself. Nothing loud or sudden noise wise, and then certainly nothing harsh to the touch. Like every bit of my body just needed to not intake anything back because it has been processing the physical sensations that i now understand but really didn't then... mildly exhausting.

Thanks for reading if you did. I am trying to put words to it, because it helps bring it to my more logical adult self.. rather than the younger traumatized part of me

I'm sorry to hear about this flashback of yours, Elphanigh. But I commend you for your grounding skills and ability to self care! It's really what you need and deserve the most right now.
It breaks my heart to know this abuse has happened to you at such a young age, my heart goes out to you.

Regards,
Ellis.

Thank you Ellis  :hug: I have spent a long time working on those grounding skills. Was still unfortunately unable to go to work today but I am glad I self cared. The early age breaks my heart too... I knew I had traumas from before birth even, but the more overt abuse is still relatively new knowledge for me.  :'(

I am better ish today, still pretty easily overwhelmed and wanting to hide but I am able to be at work and function at a level I need to today. Two more hours here but I am taking a small mental break to write here.

I sat with little me a lot of yesterday. Both the two year old version of me and my teenage self needed attention. The two year old is scared and doesn't feel heard or didn't because I had not yet been able to sit and learn from her. Yesterday definitely forced me into it. Teenage me was blocking that on some level, feeling some resentment towards her that was really fueled by fear. She is afraid to feel as broken as she felt when she was reliving those memories at that age.. when my flashbacks and panic attacks were body shaking and unmanageable. Afraid to feel that fear and loneliness again because of these memories and feelings.

The part of me that didn't want to know, because I was afraid of what would happen was her. That was the part that was terrified of what two year old me has to share, and the outcome of that. I am working to not be afraid of it anymore, helping both those parts of me while also holding up my adult life is difficult in this moment. But I am strong and have managed so much, that won't be undone by memories from when I was 2. I may have some bad days, yesterday and today really being some of them... but I will heal this too. Just have to keep having faith and keep allowing people around me to help.

My T said (well texted) something to me yesterday as a response in a conversation we were having and it stuck with me, it has been a sort of mantra today "You are not a handful. You deserve attention when you feel vulnerable" Those simple words definitely made me tear up in the very vulnerable, hurt state I was in, but they meant the world to me. Also just resonated with something I needed to hear.

Anyways back to the responsible adult world for a few hours :disappear:

o my dear sweet el, ems is sending angel wings (the very softest of the soft) to wrap you up in warmth and tenderness until you stop shaking. 

your t is absolutely correct - you are not a 'handful' and anyone who said that to you was wrong.  you are so precious, all your selves, and all you and they ever deserved was kindness, caring, protection, and love.   never, never any kind of putdown or abuse.

i'm so very glad you have those grounding skills - you've been preparing for this for a long time.  it just shows all the difficult work, time, energy, and determination you've given to clean out the poison that has been fed you.  you've carried and buried it for so long, and it's being exhumed.  thank you god for watching over this sweetheart of a person.

sending lots of love and the gentlest of hugs to you, sweetie. 

My dear, you have brought more tears but healing ones today. The wings are perfectly soft and a comfort even as I have stopped shaking, my littles really haven't. I will need to spend a lot of time healing this particular wound now that it has come to the front. So knowing ems can send soft wings to keep me warm and safe through the shaking is amazing. The visual is instantly calming.

I am always grateful you agree so much with my t. That added validation really helps put those words even further into where I can start to accept and take them in to myself. There were many people in my life that told me I was a handful, or was too much anytime I wasn't being the perfect little robot that I can come off as when needed. I still deal with the aftermath of those words every time I am feeling at all emotional or dealing with any thing that isn't just happy good things which is a lot in my life. So thank you for reminding me they were wrong and that I never deserved to be told that

Groundings skills have come such a long way. I did spend all day at home yesterday because I just could not come that far out of it yet. Grounding kept me from being completely lost in the fragments and sensations but did not allow me to fully function until today. I am grateful for the skills, it was a hard fought battle to learn them. A lot of work and determination as you put it. I am really grateful that you recognized that from all that I wrote... I would not have applauded myself for just keeping it together yesterday otherwise.

lots of love and a gentle hug back. I still haven't allowed a single human to touch me yet not since my t hugged me on Wednesday night before all of this junk happened.  Think I am finally open for that to actually happen so slightly hesitant, but very welcomed gentle hugs  :hug: :hug:

gently, gently, take your time, darlin'.  all the time you need.  this was a horrific blow to your system on more than one level.  time is yours, as much as you need.  gentle, soft hug, when you're ready, and love forever.

Thank you, I will take the time I need to accept it. Honestly my body is still getting over a trigger that happened later yesterday evening that sent every nerve in my body reeling. I went outside and the noise and lights overwhelmed me.. then I have a drop of water fall on me and it was physically painful like every bit of my skin then jsut felt like it was going to melt off...

I don't honestly know what it was as I have never had something hit like that... I will ask my T.. but it has mean touch is very hard.. it was difficult before that trigger but that really solidified it.

I appreciate the reminder I can take my time here.  :hug:

Gentle hugs if you like, dear Elph.  :hug:

Three roses, i appreciate the gentle hugs  :hug: will definitely take them.

Just was thinking of you this morning.  I hope you got a good nights sleep and are feeling a little better today.

Much love and a gentle   :hug:

It is sweet of you to think of me  :hug: I did get some sleep and am feeling much better today. I have good lunch plans and think they will fully reset my system

Hi Elpha,
I hope you enjoy those lunch plans, and that your system is reset as you'd like it to be.   :hug:
Hope  :)

I was going to come here today to write about my therapy session last night, and at some point I probably will. Instead I am coming here to write about a sense of major loss I am feeling today. I found out a friend of mine from my serving job passed away yesterday. No one will say how or exactly when, but eventually somethign will be said. We are waiting on finding out when the service will be as well.

For now I am trying to stay at work, because being home I will do me no more good then being here will be. So holding it together because I have to. Barely holding it together to be honest. He was not my closest friend but he was a good one. I work this weekend and was truly looking forward to seeing him. He lit up a room and always had a way of making my night no matter what was going on. I shared many after work drinks with him and slow lunch humor. He will be so missed, and I am not sure how to wrap my mind around this.

So I am here with a lot of pain in my heart and just trying to keep on going.  :fallingbricks: :no:

Dear Elpha, I am so sorry to hear about the passing of your friend from your serving job.  I am trying to find words - and just want you to know I am thinking of you - and I hope you'll manage to cope - I know you're trying to stay at work - but be kind to  yourself - and sending you the gentlest of hugs.
Hope  :)

Thank you Hope  :hug: My plan is to leave work as soon as one of my coworkers gets back from lunch. They can handle the last few hours without me. Need some time to sit with this and just be home with comfort things  :hug:

So sorry to hear about your loss sweetie.  I've lost far too many and each loss is different.  Please be gentle with yourself and grieve the way that feels right. 

I'm sad to hear of the loss of your dear friend. May you find the inner strength and peace you need.

I hope it's at least comforting to know that we fully supports you as you seek to weather this rough time.



 

Thank you both so very much. It does help to know I am supported here as I keep walking through all of this. I am not exactly sure what I feel but I feel a lot so it will just be a matter of being patient with myself as I go.  :hug:

Elph  :hug:

:bighug: 

Thank you Three Roses  :hug:

 :bighug:

o, honey, i'm so sorry.  really.  my heart is with you, as is ems.  we're always there, right beside you as you go thru this process of loss and grief.   :hug: :hug: :hug: and much love, my darling el.

San  :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: I really appreciate the reminder of ems, I forget her sometimes when I need her the most. I am welcoming work as a stressful but useful distraction today.

I think I can write more about what is going on. Monday my therapy session was super powerful. I spent a lot of it listening to the little 2 year old part of myself that was sharing her memories and feelings with me last week when I was unprepared. So I sat for a long time, with my therapist there to help, and just took in all the information she wanted to give me. It was admittedly a lot, but it felt good to let her share what she needed to. It is sad and hard to see but it does connect to other instances and make things make more sense. So I am absorbing those pieces into my story, and learning how to put them in place. It will be a bit of a road with that but I am starting the process at least. The body sensations are something we started to work a bit to release some of it, and I have found an ability to hold onto the information without so much fear and overwhelm because of that.

College applications are up in the air. My alma mater is withholding my official transcripts which will at very least probably cost me UNI which is my favorite program.. but it is the first one due and I am not sure that I can jump through the hoops with my alma mater quickly enough. I did have them send unofficials in hopes that they would allow me to take a bit more time to get the officials to them if they truly like my application they may. I am still trying to get officials to them on time, but it will take a miracle. As will fixing this for the other schools but at least I have a few more weeks for them.

Last night was my last official group session. I did decide to not come back for the next session because I believe it is not what my healing needs most right now. I will miss those women so much, but the method the group is using would not work for the age group they are getting into. We do have game night next week, and I will be invited to any they may have next session, so that will be nice but group itself is done for now.

Then my friend. He lost his battle to depression.. it is still hard to say that he committed suicide because I hate to know he was in so much pain and that none of us saw it. I have been in that dark place and was lucky enough to be pulled out of it. It is hard to wrap my mind around losing him still, he was such a light and had the best laugh I have ever heard. He is missed by all of us. So I am not yet fully coming to terms with this loss but I will get there.

Thank you all for being with me through all of this. :bighug:

sweetie, too many times, as you may personally know, we don't let people in when we're in those dark places.  i have no doubt he had a great laugh, and i'm sure you will miss it.  and him.  so very sorry, really.  it's impossible, really, to even guess at what kind of pain someone might be in.   it just sucks.

good luck with applications and transcripts and such.  i hope things will get smoother with all that.

my admiration for you just keeps increasing.   letting your story now include 2 yr. old you and her story.  that's an awful lot.  kudos to you and your t for going thru it, for your strength, and for her help with this for you.  you're beautiful.   love and hugs, always.

San, yes too many times... I just hope he is in peace and okay now. I love him and hate so much that something put him in so much pain... the grief and feelings come in waves. Today I felt some anger, not at him but other things surrounding it. Also just immense sadness. It will be okay one day but for now it is confusing and painful. He wold want us all to remember him happy and to be together with each other. I know that.

I hope school smoothies out too. It is a scramble at this point but it is happening. One step at a time.

Thank you for always admiring my strength and recovery.. it is a tough journey but I am glad I can start to incorporate her into this. Early trauma is so important but so very different. It does feel like a lot, I am grateful you see it. I am grateful my t gave me the space to listen to her without needing to say anything to her except to occasionally answer that I was doing okay in that space. For her to sit and witness as I let that new information come and form is amazing. It was a really good idea on her part. Worked really well. We talked afterwards a lot and found some new connections with my teenage self as well.


She even, after we got side tracked, said the words "when you become a therapist" which still just astounds me. It is something I am really holding onto because she sees the future I could have. With the education I am chasing she thinks I will step out of school and be where she was five years ago. I do see genuine excitement for me and what I will be able to do. It is nice and encouraging.

Lots of love to you, also hugs  :hug:

Dear Elpha,
I hope that you're managing to get whatever you need at this time - and those things your T said to you - they are huge - great that she is genuinely excited for you and your future - that is so good.
Hope  :)

Thank you Hope  :hug:

I feel stronger and more like I can manage today. Last night my S sent me a picture of my niece and I just burst into tears. Something about that finally let some tears fall for all of this. I hadn't cried over the new memories or the loss of my friend yet. It needed to happen and start to release that junk. I think because I released some of this I got some actual sleep last night and my energy is starting to return. I am still kind of waning (it is only 2:40 here) but it is much better than it was at this hour yesterday. I am thankful for any energy I can get back.

I did make a big step forward with school stuff as well yesterday. I sent my requests for recommendations to the people that agreed to write them for me. It is great to have those done. I am making a phone call I have to in order to get some stuff cleared with my alma mater tonight, and hopefully I will be well on my way to this problem being solved tomorrow. Here's hoping.

Otherwise I am just self caring and doing all I can to be kind and not judgmental of whatever I am feeling.  :hug:

Thank you all for sitting with me through all of this

Found out that services are on Monday, so now I know. Unfortunately I am not even granted a full day off. I am coming into work for a few hours before, going, giving myself and hour or two of rest and then working the later part of the day. Will likely work 5 or 6 hours that day still. *sigh* gotta love corporate america sometimes  :doh: :no: Either way they called it a celebration of life which I really appreciated about it. Will be glad to get to be there, even if funerals are terribly hard.

With schools. I think that my Alma mater is going to cost me my favorite program but everything else should be okay. Thank goodness. All of this is also making me get my finances a little more together so maybe that is a big plus? Who knows, but it is how I am choosing to look at it. That whole positivity thing  :whistling: I am still just elated for the day that I become a Therapist. It is like I have finally figured out what it is I am meant to do. So hoops and paperwork can come at me, I am determined and they have no idea who they are dealing with.

Little me has been doing really well to allow me to feel all of the adult stresses and loss. I am trying to sit with her a bit each day just so she does not feel abandoned but it feels like she is better now that I have listened and knows that I will keep working on those things with her. Therapy on Monday will likely be very intense, but I have game night on Tuesday which will be really good for me.

It is a lot of moving pieces but I am managing and juggling like a boss without going into overwhelm or survival mode. It is a challenge and still pretty exhausting but I can safely say that I am doing this all as healthily as I can. This place is truly wonderful and makes me feel like this is all possible. Not sure what I would do without all of you  :grouphug:

Best of luck and strength to you at the service.  In my experience deaths by suicide are very difficult. 

I don't know if it will work for you, but I try to tell myself that they are no longer suffering.  Safe  :hug: if it feels ok

not sure what i'd do w/o you, either, sweetie.

i know funerals are hard - have been to a fair number.  i've been able to utilize them, not only to say farewell, but also to let tears flow that have been stuck, even if for an unrelated subject.  no one else knows exactly why i'm crying, but it's a place where crying is not only appropriate but accepted.  i've gotten a lot of grief tears out, even about other issues, at funerals.

i agree that i believe your friend has found peace now, and is out of pain.  that's always been important to me to believe.  we will all be with you there, too, as well as ems, embracing you, giving you strength.    :bighug:    i'm glad you were able to let some of those tears out.  it's a very sad situation.  sending love and a warm, caring hug.   :hug:

Deep Blue, lots of hugs back  :hug: :hug: I greatly appreciate the strength for the service and the reminder it means he isn't in pain anymore. That is kind of how I have been trying to frame it. Each day that gets a little easier. I have witnessed a lot of death in my young life but suicide has come with more layers than the others. That or I am just more in touch with all of this than I have been with any other loss.

San, much the same response to you. I really appreciate the reminder it means he is not in pain any more. I am hoping to keep that. I have been to a lot of funerals in my relatively young life, lots of sudden illness, car wrecks etc... This death has brought up memories of a lot of those but with it a lot of other feelings as well that have been processing. Each day I get a bit better and a bit stronger. Just takes time I guess. Hopefully I will be able to get a few more tears out, but I know I am not normally able at funerals as strange as that is. It is part of past and just my own comfortably with other seeing me cry still. Maybe it will be different though, who knows.

I will take you and ems with me. You are both so calming and carry so much strength for me.  :hug: <3

The funeral is tomorrow, and I am not quite prepared...

Honestly, I am not sure what other way to say that. I typed just that sentence and closed this for a while. Tears finally came to my eyes again. I missed him Friday night, and still just know that his energy is missing from the world. Such a kind soul and no one saw it coming, but all of us wish we had. That maybe just maybe we could have saved him.. I just miss him, and truly hope he is doing better now, whenever that may be.

I am going to go sit on the porch tonight. Will probably be there when everything is done tomorrow too.

I'm so sorry about your friend, your right in saying a loss to suicide has so many more layers of grief, the "what if's" play with your head, and I'm sending some hugs and support for the service  :hug:  :hug:  :hug:

Hey sweetie,
Sitting with you today.  Let the tears come if they come.  Remember honey, there is no wrong way to grieve.  Sending you love and support  :yes:  we can catch you if your legs get shaky
:grouphug:

Thank you both  :hug: The services were beautiful and I am out at lunch with people in honor of him. It is good to be with people feeling the same way i am.

Tears did come some today as well, healing and important.

sweetie, i'm glad the tears came.  yep, healing comes on their heels.    :bighug:  and much love.

Thank you dear :bighug: Healing will come for sure. I decided to cancel my therapy session tonight so I could rest at home. That will be better for me tonight.  :hug:

good for you - sounds like a wise decision.  it's so cool that you're getting to know yourself so well, being more sure of what you need for you and moving forward with that.  so very happy for you with that.  love you always.    :hug: :hug: :hug:

I would not have noticed that in this instance, thank you for seeing it and pointing it out. Sitting at my very stressful job after all of that today is harder than I expected. I have the composure of a well trained spy I think, but it seems today is the day everyone wants me to do their job for them and my own job is broken in a few ways... *sigh*  :no: :no: You noticing that is a little silver lining in my day  :hug:

love you lots  :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

I haven't been on the forum in several days, and even when I did post I wasn't reading much the last few weeks. I have felt since the 30th like I was carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders and have been unable to shake it. It is like I am constantly exhausted and no matter how much sleep or downtime I try to give myself I cannot recharge my battery. I am attempting to not carry the weight of everything all the time, I am trying to ground adn take it small pieces at a time, but it is like I just can't release some of it.

I have gotten to the point where I am telling myself that I "just need to make it to January and it will be better" or that "if you get to this day it will finally be okay "... or better yet "you can breathe after the 5th, just get there"

That mindset is not healthy and I need to nip it in the tail before it goes where I know this cycle ends. I am already drained and feel my limits being pushed for all they are worth. My mental and emotional energy are taking all of the information they can in.. and are way overloaded. I can exist in overload for a time but it has been since Thanksgiving... Physically that is finally wearing me down. I am feeling all of the exhaustion and just aches that happen when I have been just going for so long. The lack of wanting food, but then craving junk at other moments... and an exhaustion that can't simply be solved by more sleep or water... Eventually this will be completely burnt out me.. A fully burnt out Elpha is not useful to me or anyone else.. It will knock me out for multiple days and I don't want that. So something has to give, I am just not yet sure what will give.

Hopefully it will start with not working my second job tonight. I picked up two shifts for this weekend and I think that was more than I could handle. I need/want the money but I know there will be a lot of money in working Christmas Eve afternoon and just the one shift a week. Hopefully I get granted the evening off, one of my managers sent a restaurant wide message asking two people to take off tonight, so hoping I got to it soon enough to be one of the two granted the evening off. We will see... 

I did get the night off.  :cheer: I am honestly proud of myself for choosing self care over cash in this moment. It is no longer the difference between me eating and not so it is okay. So tonight I will spend time with friends watching movies and laughing. It will be a much better fit for what I need .

Atta girl,
It seems to me that you have lots of stuff that's trying to bubble up. 

Keep taking care of yourself and it will come up when you feel more prepared to deal with it. 
Much love

Thank you for mentioning that DB  :hug: :hug: Thinking of it that was is kind of like a giant lightbulb. I had a batch of new information and that loss that were obvious stressors, and then just crazy amounts of work which is enough to warrant some of this but not all of it considering my ability to handle things. The idea that there is stuff working and trying to bubble up makes this make so much more sense. The complete exhaustion and just in ability to rest no matter what I try is understandable when I put it that way :hug:

 :bighug:

 :hug: :hug: :hug:

Always lots of love to you my dear

ems and i are by your side always, my dearest el.  db may be onto something, and it seemed to register for you, too.  hang tough - just make it thru today.  tomorrow, you can make it thru tomorrow.  i'm asking for the strength for you to do that, just one day, then one day, then one day. . . .

that's how i've gotten to today. 

love you so, and  :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: gathering you in.

Ah yes ems.. seems I forget her when I need her most sometimes. I will sit with you both and try to take in the love and strength you both offer by just being here for me. Thank you for askign for the strength to just get me though each day, one at a time. I will keep on keeping on, but goodness it is hard. I am hoping a night off and then having tomorrow to myself will help. Then Monday I will talk to my T about it. If I am still struggling I might message Saturday and see if there is anything she might suggest as well.

DB I think is onto something for sure. It really resonated with the way I am feeling and just emotions I have that don't necessarily make sense for the situation I guess. Hopefully it will start to sort itself out or become more apparent to me so I can start to deal with whatever is in the background of this already really stressful time. *Sigh*

Love you lots :bighug: Sitting in that hug and refusing to leave for a little while.

Small lightbulb and note to self so I will come back and write about this when I am not at work.  I found myself trying to listen to what it was I needed to see if maybe I could notice a source. I do know that what I want or feel like I need is quiet and for everyone to just go away and stop needing things from me. That is not a fully adult me need. In other moments of time while processing my traumas that has been what younger me wanted.. I came from a very loud environment where screaming was the start to a lot of awful things, and people were constantly talking, buzzing, or needing me to do something. 

I have a lot of thoughts but not the proper time to write, I just want to recognize I need to delve into that further

with what you've been dealing with lately, quiet and some 'me' time sounds about right.  i think you're onto something, sweetie.

we will sit with you, hold you in a quiet embrace, asking nothing from you for as long as you want.  maybe even a little rocking, if that suits you.  love and hugs always.

Thank you, San. The quiet embrace is perfect. I have gotten to start my day very quietly, with no obligations to people yet. It has been what part of me needed. I don't think it is a fix all, but it is a start in a more healthy direction for me  :hug:

So I spent therapy yesterday just grounding. I came in and when asked how I was my answer was " I am exhausted and just tired". Went on to eventually gather more words for everything that I have on my plate and the ways in which it has been wearing me out. My inability to let go and just relax etc... So we decided to spend the session doing some meditations and just giving me that chance to let go and find some true relaxation.

The ability to calm myself, and find that space when I am under a lot of pressure is still being developed. I wish I was better at it, but I know I am improving it is just a slow process. I am grateful my T is willing to help in those moments and able to talk through those meditations so I can truly  find rest. There is one that is a favorite for us both that works wonders for me. Although it is like 20 minutes long. My T talks through it rather than just finding a recorded one, and there is something reassuring about a voice I am very familiar with and trust so I can close my eyes and let go. To find the space that is between sleep and consciousness kind of thing. Either way just always grateful for her willingness to go the direction I need in my sessions, and just the fact she does have such a large set of tools at her disposal.

I am turning in my first grad school application. It is to the university of northern iowa, which is one of my favorite programs. It is hard to hit the submit button on this first one, once I do I can't change anything. Everything I wrote and turned in will be finalized and then it is up to them. It is also the first of 7 applications, and is a giant step. Last night I started applying to schools I never finished. So much got in my way and I was not truly determined at that point. This time I am basically done with at least 3 of them and the others are well on their way. I have planned and organized these for several months and am excited about this direction. Turning the first one in is just a huge marker and reminds me of my own nerves of not getting in, or doing so too early. I do believe I am ready though. I am doing such good work and I see how much I can continue to do. I think I am ready and that is a brilliant thing, so onward I go.

I am for the first time not going to be with my FOO on Christmas. I will be in my own apartment, seeing my roommates mom, a dear friend of mine, and likely skyping with my Foo for a little while. The rest of the day is mine though. It is hard to be away but at the same time really good. I don't have to deal with their stressors or go to a place that doesn't feel safe for me. I don't have to be around my uncle who would just be super triggering for me right now, and I get to maintain my life. So it is positive. I do miss some traditions and not getting to see my niece/siblings is a little different but I am grateful for the new traditions I will start making.

I feel more at peace about my friend, although still hurting over it. I like to think he is laughing and playing golf and poker somewhere. Listening to the obnoxious rap music he always loved. I think my friend group there is moving along and everyone will be okay which is important. We have come together more since it happened and I think he would be really grateful for that.

Anyways there is more, but this is the dose I can do at the moment. I am starting to settle in, just need to keep the reminder of the calm from last nights session. It is allowing me to breathe a little deeper and  find some peace even in the storm today

Quote from: Elphanigh on December 18, 2018, 06:39:48 PM
So we decided to spend the session doing some meditations and just giving me that chance to let go and find some true relaxation.

The ability to calm myself, and find that space when I am under a lot of pressure is still being developed. I wish I was better at it, but I know I am improving it is just a slow process.

This sounds really great - Elpha.   :cheer:

I'm glad to hear you're settling in - and breathing a little deeper, and that you found some peace even in the storm yesterday.   :hug: to you, Elpha. 
Hope  :)

Thank you Hope  :hug:

It is hard to keep finding that sense of peace but I am going to a restorative yoga class tonight which should help. I am turning in my first grad school application tonight, and have so much going on but it is important to take the time to go to that class and give back to myself. I am finally better about knowing when I need to refuel a bit in order to keep up everything I am spending energy on. Hopefully, the class will help to recharge my battery a little bit.

i remember when you first joined the forum, your first journal posts.  you were so much more scattered then, having a difficult time keeping yourself together.  the way you are able to speak about yourself now is so very different, sweetie.  you sound so much more mature, put together, whole.  it is an absolute delight to me to see how very much progress you have made.  you are amazing.

total support for you not being with foo for christmas - altho i know you'll miss a few, it seems like, where you are now, you are making a very solid decision for yourself.  i'm in the process of making new traditions as well, so i can relate to that aspect of it.  it's kind of fun and exciting. 

best of everything as those grad school applications go in.  i remember that feeling, that hope that i'll be deemed 'good enough' to be accepted into their program.  i'm so very glad that you've got 7 - i only had one, so it was more of a 'make it or break it' deal for me.  this seems like it would be less stressful, but i don't know.  it still carries a fair share of anxiety, worry, and stress with it.  embracing you thru this process.  they will get a gem, whoever accepts you.

and, forward.  i'm so proud of you, my dearest el.  love and hugs, always.

I don't remember your first post, cuz I wasn't here yet  :bigwink:  but I'm still blown away by you now flashlight.

You have had lots of tough stuff lately.  I'm glad your T helped you to ground.  I'd like to say more but am struggling a bit.  So I'll just send you love and a warm  :hug:

San, I really want to find that first journal and do some reading. I think I found this place nearly two years ago (I need to look at my anniversary). I have spent so much time healing, getting to know myself, and really advocating for me. I feel like the person I was when I came here is so far distant from the person I feel like I am now. Will see if I can find that old journal. I am really curious now. Thank you for pointing that out, and for being on this journey with me. Your love and insights have added so much. I owe a good chunk of my progress to you and the other people that have been with me this last two years.

I think not being with them is probably wise. I am skyping with them that morning while we open some gifts, but I will try to keep that minimal so I can enjoy my christmas with a family I am choosing. My family of choice is growing and I am so grateful for all the people I consider to be foc. It is fun and exciting in a way to be making my own traditions. I am glad you are getting that excitement.

It is nerve wracking, but having 7 helps some. I am bound to get into at least one, but I have seen friends not get in at all (different programs) but just as many schools. The competition for masters degrees is super large right now. I know my odds are decent but this is where my self doubt kicks in the most. I have no doubt I will be a great therapist, because it is simply my nature. I have understanding that a lot of people won't have that I think will make me very good at it. However, my background is unusual and may steer schools away from me academically. So I worry I don't look "good enough" on paper. I know though, from other people, that I look a lot better on paper than I think. So I just remind myself of that.

I am glad I did not just apply to one, I am not sure I could even imagine just doing that... it would scare me like crazy. I do have my favorites that I would prefer but any of the 7 would give me the type of education I want.

Thank you for the support and love through this process. The waiting game will be hard. I know UNI says that they send acceptance or denial by January 20th, after than it will likely be March or Later before I know. Lots of waiting.


Lots of love to you my dear



Side note to all of that I feel ready. Like I know I am not "healed" or perfectly good at my coping mechanisms etc, but I don't need to be perfect to be ready. My own T isn't perfect and knows that. I don't need to be either. I am at a point where I am stable and healthy. Yes there are hard days and still a lot of trauma to process but I am at a space where I feel like I can go to school and be healthy. I can still continue my healing work, but be able to keep a balance. I feel truly ready, and one of the admissions committees will see that. Maybe multiple if I am lucky. This feels like what I am meant to be doing and working on. I have faith in myself which is new and exciting. I have been cultivating it for a long time and it feels like that has started to come to fruition. Knowing that I have so many wonderful people backing me is the cherry on top kind of thing. People I look up to and admire for various reasons are excited for me and see how much I could do. I finally also see it. I am beyond excited and cannot wait to submit this and be one step closer to this.

This is the first one, so it is a giant step but one I am so ready for. I have taken the time I needed to find my path and to heal myself. I also have another 9 months of healing work in front of me, before I would be starting school. So much can happen in that time and I will be even more ready.

I get really excited and smile so much thinking about this. I know I will be able to help and guide so many people, and give back in ways that I am so passionate about. It is a future that I am so excited to see unfold.


Little me gets excited too. When I was little I wanted to help the world. The method by which I was going to do that changed regularly, but I always wanted to help. There is a part of me that is a natural healer, and that does not have to be something I hide or feel shame about. It used to get me hurt, because I would help others to the extent it hurt me, or to think I could help people that were beyond my ability/control. Also narcs really love that personality so I got flocked to a lot. I have created boundaries and a strong sense of self though. So that healing part of me is no longer a weakness it is a strength and dare I say a light.


You all have shown me that. I do have a light that Is growing and is part of how I am starting to present myself in the world. Thank you all for seeing that in me when I couldn't.

Anyways, I get really worked up about this stuff obviously. I guess it shows this truly is where I am meant to go. So onward I go, taking the next step by hitting the submit button tonight.

DB, thank you for coming here even when you are struggling  :hug: :hug: :hug: Lots of hugs headed your way.

I went back and skim read my first journal. Oh my goodness, it is so different. Like I know that person and the mindset I was in back then but the change in a year and a half is astounding. I forgot that there were certain beliefs I was so truly stuck on at that point that are not a struggle for me now. Also what really strikes me is the relationship with my T. like it has come so very far. I can't even begin to explain just how different that relationship feels now.

Then my relationship with myself.. it is so much healthier. My self talk is kinder, and my self doubt is so much quieter.

It was a pleasure to read things from Wife#2 again. I miss her, and she crosses my mind pretty often but reading some of the original responses to that journal from her made me smile. She saw things I was never able to, and just had her own way of putting them all down. Including the phrase "emotional genuis" which is so much more apt now that I am applying to my MSW and want to be a therapist. Part of me knew it back then too but I  was not ready. Sor reading the phrase reminds me it has always been in me.

Grateful I read though it and can see how far I have come. This adventure is not for the faint of heart by any means. I do see how much work I have put in, and how much strength it has taken. Truly a warrior of sorts

Quote from: Elphanigh on December 19, 2018, 11:01:20 PM
I went back and skim read my first journal. Oh my goodness, it is so different. Like I know that person and the mindset I was in back then but the change in a year and a half is astounding. ...

Then my relationship with myself.. it is so much healthier. My self talk is kinder, and my self doubt is so much quieter.
.....

Grateful I read though it and can see how far I have come. This adventure is not for the faint of heart by any means. I do see how much work I have put in, and how much strength it has taken. Truly a warrior of sorts

:cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

That's great news Elphanigh
:cheer:

Thank you both!

I turned in my first application last night!  :cheer: :cheer: Big deal for me but also kind of scary if that makes sense. I am so excited for what is to come though. I have 6 more to finish and turn in, and I just want to do them all so I can know.

I also had the pleasure of reading one of my letters of recommendation. One of my references who I have been becoming much closer to over the last three months or so wanted to share with me what she wrote (provided I was okay with it). I agreed to read it because I was curious. She is my  reference from the CPTSD foundation and more of a personal/semi-professional reference. Whereas the other two are professors from my under grad. I believe her insights would be valuable because they knew more of my current work with survivors and she could speak to me on a more personal level than my professors could. So I was very curious about what she wrote.

This is a person I look up to. One that I deeply admire, and am so grateful to get to work with on a professional level but also someone I am grateful to call a friend. She is one of the most supportive and warm people I know. Her words in the letter were more than I could have imagined. It made me see some of what I do without even thinking about the fact I do it. Also just spoke to a lot of why I believe I will be good in this field. I was genuinely surprised and beyond grateful.

All this to say, I am still wrapping my head around the kind words and truly glowing recommendation of me. I did not realize the impact I had made. To have someone I truly admire write that well, and then while we were talking say she admired me as well is crazy. Like I hope to help even half the people she has managed to help in her life... and to know she looks forward to seeing my work, and continuing to work work with me while supporting each other is huge. I am in awe, and not really always sure of how I got that lucky.

I read and hear the words but it is hard to truly know them and recognize that I deserve them. So here I am really just trying to take them in and really see the impact I have already had.

 :bighug:

i can't wait to talk to you as a colleague - very exciting!  love you, darlin'.

I am really excited for that too! Had not even thought of that yet! If I get into school for this fall, I will be done in May of 2021. Which feels like forever, but I know ot will go so quickly.

QuoteI read and hear the words but it is hard to truly know them and recognize that I deserve them. So here I am really just trying to take them in and really see the impact I have already had.

Even not knowing the specific words, I would agree with her entirely. Your compassion is palpable, even in an online forum. I can't wait to see what the future holds for you! :hug:❤️

Thank you Roses!  :hug: Maybe at one point I will share some more specifics, but not sure. It is enough to take in that kindness as well as all that is coming from all of you  :grouphug: I am so in awe of all of it still

Hi Elpha,
I am also excited for what your future holds for you.   :grouphug:
Hope  :)

I think there is a lot to write this afternoon, but not sure exactly what all will come out or how linear it will be. I am normally very articulate and well written but sometimes these 'dump' sessions don't come out like that.  So thank you for reading if you do.  :hug:


First a positive. I went to my first Yoga Mala on Friday to celebrate the solstice and it was amazing! I did manage all 108 sun salutations and left feeling really renewed and powerful. It was a reminder of my own physical/mental strength when I feel like I needed it most. My body was certainly sore for a few days afterwards and is mostly recovered now but it was worth that soreness. Realizing I am capable of more than I could ever imagine was good. It was also just a brilliant way to reflect on the year. Accept the bad but also see the good and rejoice in it. Then to look into the future and recognize the possibilities there, making peace with the journey ahead. It was really good for me all around and I am excited to go to the next one at the season change.

Second positive. I got a 90 minute massage on Christmas eve. It was my present to myself and truly brilliant. After Friday I needed the rest and relaxation for my muscles. It also is just more than I normally treat myself to and truly radical self care in a much different way than the yoga mala was.

Christmas was good but also very hard for me. I was supposed to have a therapy session tonight, and had been counting on having it tbh. Often if it gets canceled it is okay, but today I feel like I had been holding things together and condensing them until I could see my T today. She is sick, and it is completely understandable but it means not seeing her until the 7th. If I truly need her I can text or call her and tell her that but for now I will be okay. There are a lot of emotions and I had recognized them but told myself I could more fully deal with them tonight in that safe space. Now though I need to deal with them, because sitting on them until the 7th will wear me out and not be healthy. I am capable of recognizing and processing them myself I just was glad to have the help I guess. Honestly adult me is okay with this, but little me feels abandoned. Little Elpha needed someone tonight, a safe someone that she can count on and she isn't getting that so she feels abandoned. Normally I don't feel that way when sessions get missed. I am rather stable, and truly trust my T. Today is just different.

Which I guess brings me to Christmas. This is the first year I spent away from my Foo and it was good but also so beyond difficult. I am used to the boundaries I have with my family and out skype once in a blue moon kind of relationship. That is healthy for me and something I am good at enforcing. It is my general need and I make sure to keep it there. However Christmas is harder. I assumed I would just be so grateful to not see my very triggering uncle and to be away from the family drama. So I skyped them to open gifts and had company over in the afternoon. However the second I started to say goodbye and hit the hang up button I just burst into tears. Like even just writing that brings those tears back to my eyes. I did not expect the emotions. I thought being away would mostly be easy. Like yes I miss some traditions but I did the ones that were most important to me. I made a lot of baked goods (they are delicious) and even made fresh orange rolls on Christmas morning which is my all time favorite Christmas tradition. I will do it as long as I celebrate the holiday.

So I found myself in tears with my door closed before our company showed up. When they did it still took me time to calm down and rejoin people. I honestly needed to cry it out more but allowed myself like 10 minutes. So I wanted to explore that emotion in session tonight but I know the tears and whatever hurt I am feeling is still there. I am not sure which part of me is hurting and exactly what emotion is causing the tears. I will explore that some. There have been other insights and things that still need some work but this I think is a mix of things and needs explored, session with my T or not. I cannot just hold those emotions back and expect to function and feel well. I know better than that.

The first thing I recognize in that set of emotions is that seeing my uncle (even in video chat for a short time) was very difficult. I am just more recently recognizing his part in my abuse, and just within the last like three weeks got new memories regarding him. They are awful, terrifying still, and were what sent me reeling in body memories after thanksgiving.  They come from the two year old part of me that is now unstuck enough to share and process. Which has been a month or two of really hard recovery work. So seeing him was scary to her, adult me can handle him, younger me was probably understandably spooked. Also doesn't help that I was allowing him near me in a sense she didn't understand or feel comfy with. So maybe some of those tears were her fears.

There is also a small part of me that misses my family. Like the part of me that wants them to be what I need them to be. I know they have grown as people and my relationship with them is changing (especially with my M presently) but they were not what I needed when I was younger and often they are not what I need now. I can't trust them to do and be consistent or unconditional with their love. Which I think still hurts. I want it not to because I learned a long time ago to function and not need them, doesn't mean part of me doesn't want them to do what they are supposed to. Of course I wish I could have the perfect family Christmas with people that didn't decide to abuse me or to ignore the abuse that was going on. My uncle hit my M when she was pregnant with me... and all my life they still left me a lone with him. He held me the day I was born and regularly watched me on his own. When I was older and we lived apart (not long but did happen for a few years) I would go stay with him for a week or two at a time occasionally. Not really sure what my parents were doing at the time, but me and my siblings were jsut hanging out with my uncle and who ever his girlfriend at the time happened to be (he is not healthy relationship wise and has had anger issues... yet this is who my parents trusted us with... :pissed: :no:)

Anyways, I am angry but also hurt by those actions. Like I have done a good chunk on my anger towards that and I know that anger is a mask for the hurt that is there. I am recognizing how insignificant and unimportant that made me feel. My parents let a man that was unhealthy watch me and my siblings. I became the parent even more in those situations than I had already become in my life.. those times led to some horrific sexual and phsyical abuse for me... My parents put me in harms way without even thinking about it, because I didn't matter more than whatever it was they were doing while we were gone. My safety and well being was that unimportant to them.

When I was six (not even yet a year into some of the more consistent abuse from other sources) I used to wet myself in class at school becuase I was terrified to ask to go to the bathroom. I was so afraid to ask a simple question,... What is that a giant sign of?? Abuse of all sorts... not a teacher or my parents dug. I got in trouble for not askign and humiliated. No one cared why I wouldn't ask. I was a bright, independent, and strong kid... so that out of character behavior really should have been a lightbulb for someone... but they ignored it. So they put me in dangers way and then they ignored signs of worse abuse. I was not important enough to them. My accomplishments and grades.. they cared about those. Me as a person they didn't. They left me alone to care for myself. That hurts. To know I was so insignificant to them.

Angeris safer than that pain at this point. The pain that the younger parts of me hold onto.. as an adult I don't need them to protect me. I am independet, feisty, and nothing can stop me. But that younger part of me, many younger parts of me really, hold so much pain. They needed to be important and cared for but weren't.

So tears happened.. I think there was grief there when I hung up.. but I also had a good skype with them and there is a part of me that had a good happy family in that moment. No one made snyed comments or yelled or questioned anything. It was peaceful and full of laughs. I had that magic family for a moment and I was almost 1000 miles away.

I hurt but I will be okay. Little me deserved so much more. Adult me deserves more too honestly. So the tears are still just in my eyes but not falling. If I let myself I would just cry and cry until there was no more. Maybe I will allow that tonight, but in this moment I am not where that would be healthy or safe. Tears can only be healing if I am in a space where it is safe and okay to cry. I haven't had a truly good cry in a very long time. I had tears over losing my friend but I also never wept for him. I haven't wept (at least my interpretation of that word) in multiple months. There has been anger and processing of new information. Grief has been there but slowly happening as I work through the things surrounding it. So maybe it is time for those tears.. I just don't want to get lost in them.

That was a lot, and I know I have more words and theories as to why the tears but for now that is enough. Small ish doses of this junk :fallingbricks: :'( :'(

Wow, that was very brave and strong of you to begin all that self analysis even without getting to see your T.  This is why you are a flashlight!

I also have to say, I think you are right on the mark about your family putting you in harms way.  Im so sorry for what you had to go through.  A 6 year old who is bright, and wetting herself in class is such a red flag! I'm so angered that no one stepped in and took notice!!!  :pissed:

I'm glad you were able to let some of those tears go and I hope when you are ready you can continue to do so. Please take good care and let us know if you need anything  :grouphug:

Brave maybe  :Idunno: :Idunno: it is good to hear you think it is.

It feels right as far as what emotions match what I felt yesterday about it. Like adult me misses my siblings but is so glad I did not go through the Christmas stress this year, so I know it is younger me in some fashion. I think like six months ago there was a realization that my parents had to be aware there was something going on, but chose to ignore signs or bits of abuse they did see. Like as much happened and the ways in which it affected me make it impossible for them to have not known on some level. They chose to be oblivious and that is painful.

Oddly it is validating to hear that it would be a red flag in a child and that I am not just making that up. I never had those issues outside of class, because I never had to ask anywhere else. I was just allowed to take care of it. Hearing from someone I know is a teacher honestly validates my thoughts on that a little. Thank you for that.


I will try to take care. Honestly I hurt a lot tonight, lots of emotions and feeling some strong abandonment pain and that is difficult. I don't often feel abandonment anymore, but tonight it is strong... so it is hard to sit with. I will continue to self soothe and self care tonight. Maybe try to pay attention to little me some more to quell the abandonment feelings.. not really sure what I need.. well I am but it isn't something I can have tonight. I need someone to be with and just to have attention tonight, but that is not an option so I will try to give that to myself.

Thank you for always caring and validating all of this  :grouphug:

I will cry when I can. At home now and I cuddled with cats but the tears no longer felt natural. They will come as needed.

Nothing to add but I wanted you to know I read this. I really liked this part :

QuoteLittle me deserved so much more. Adult me deserves more too honestly.

:thumbup:

I am really glad to know you read it  :hug: It helps to feel heard sometimes. It fits that bit of my writing you liked so much. Both Elphas deserve to be heard, so it is good to know I am. :bighug:

We are sitting with you sweetie.

 :grouphug:

That is the best. Glad to not truly be alone tonight. Sometimes this junk is painful.

You noted, ..."sometimes this junk is painful."

It is, so we offer our support for you; no strangers here, no harsh critiques, just loving support for your struggle. There is no sense to the past hurts, but there is much to feel in the present embrace we hold you in.  :grouphug:

ems and i are here, embracing you.  yeah, it's painful sometimes.  love you so.   :bighug:

I really appreciate all of the support here more than I have words to say today. Woodsgnome and San those embraces are what I needed this morning, it was truly wonderful to wake up and see them here (although I am only now responding from work). I am so grateful for you both  :grouphug: I will sit in those for a while if it is okay, just staying in the supportive warmth until I feel like I can do it on my own.

The weather here is rainy and cloudy again all day. Honestly I think that affects my emotions here as well. The support here and from a few people irl is helping a lot though. I felt heard and not alone which is what I needed last night without realizing it. Today there is an ache but I can recognize it and accept its presence for now.

Oddly enough every time I start to second guess or judge my emotions I realize what I am applying to go to school for, immediately think "would I ever in a million years judge a client for that?", then realize no I wouldn't so I begin to be more understanding. There are many voices in my life that were the opposite but I have also had a lot of voices in the last two years that have taught me to be kinder to myself, and I am now finally hearing it in my own voice... even if it is just because of a possible profession. It is starting to come truly from me and not from those around me. Don't get me wrong I am beyond grateful to be lucky enough to have others that have said and reminded me to be kind, and still do, it is just great to know it can come from me. :hug:

I think you are wonderful. I just want you to know that I believe in you.  :hug:

DB, you are such a gem  :hug: :hug: The kind words have made my day and truly mean the world to me. I am so grateful and lucky to have people who believe in me.  ;D

i second that - i believe in you, too.  i think being able to internalize those pos. messages are important because, to me, it shows that you are beginning to own them rather than just borrowing them from others.  i believe it's a huge difference and means that healing is taking place for good.

i've just made a breakthru regarding that very thing - owning it for myself.  it feels good and strong within me.  i don't doubt your being able to stop judging yourself harshly, in spite of all the messages you've heard to the contrary, shows how you've fought, battled, and faced your fears - and have been victorious over them because of it.  plus, being encouraged by your newly chosen profession tells me that you are, indeed, on the right path for you.

so, a little celebration for you - my happy feet are showing!

:party:

love you, el, my sweet.    :bighug:  and, yeah, you can stay in those embraces as long as you like.  they're yours, always.

San, I am really glad you see it as progress to. It feels like a good shift. The happy feet are the best. I am glad you are having some breakthrus as well!!  :)

I did get to see my T last night, she had a cancellation and asked if I could come in that spot. Was good to have a session and just check in. I feel less like I am holding back my emotions. Needed to just talk about things for a bit. Also got the plan for the new year which is huge!

I want to get as much done before school as I can. She knows that. I am also in so much more of a stable spot than I was a year ago. So our current plan is to finish up the early trauma work we were doing through about 4 or 5. Then to have me pick 10 or 20 of the biggest memories, and work through them with emdr in age order. A year ago the idea of that would have beem overwhelming, and I don't think it will be. Nor does my T or she wouldn't have suggested it. She also (given she has the space) is willing to see me twice a week if it is helpful for me and not too much. She is qriting off the second session a week if we do that. She does truly want me to be in as good a spot as I can for school. Also  is just truly excited for me to go on the path I have chosen for school which is amazing. Oh and she is for sure going to use her network or people to help me find a new T when I leave. Feels good to know I will have help with that.

Anyways things are falling into place even when I have several truly emotional days.

Thank you all for being on this walk with me

i'm privileged and honored to be with you, sweetie.  your t, as ever, is amazing.  can't tell you how glad i am that you ended up with her.  to clear all that out by the time you start grad school is fabulous.  i have faith in you.  you are a force to be reckoned with.  love you lots.  many  :hug: :hug: :hug:

Awe, you are so kind my dear. I am so glad to have a recovery sister (if it is okay to think of you as such)  :hug: My T is phenomenal, I am forever grateful. It is a lot to work on clearing out, and even one session a week would get a lot done but two would really clear out so much. All this is of course pending that I can stay stable and healthy at that level of intensity. If it is too much or overwhelming I will step back and slow it down as needed. I am excited though that she thinks I am ready for it. I would have given anything a year ago to be able to dive in like this but I was not ready for it. Now I think I have the foundation and skills to do it. Still admittedly nervous, but so excited to try. It will be tons of hard recovery work, but if i can do it maybe jsut maybe I really am a force to be rekoned with as you put it.

If not though, that is okay. I don't need to be able to tackle things at that intensity and I know that. I am excited to try and work on it like that but I recognize if it is too much that is not a bad thing. It just means I need more time. I am trying to not set myself up for that perfectionist mindset going into the new year. I am excited to dive in but recognize I have human limitations so it is okay if I need to pause at any point.

I have faith I am ready to dive in, and ready to go to grad school. I am a massively different person than I was a year ago. Same heart and such, but more whole and stable.. Dare I say more fully myself?

Anyways this new plan will lead to a new chapter in my recovery journal. I am keeping this one for a bit, but I intend to start a new one. There is so much shifting right now and falling into place that it is certainly a new chapter. Also just 20 pages is really long  :whistling: I write a lot

Quote from: Elphanigh on December 28, 2018, 07:53:24 PM

I have faith I am ready to dive in, and ready to go to grad school. I am a massively different person than I was a year ago. Same heart and such, but more whole and stable.. Dare I say more fully myself?

Hi Elpha,

This is really heart-warming.  That you feel more fully yourself.  More whole and stable.  I think the fact you feel ready to go to Grad School - it's really great.

Hope  :)

Thank you Hope :cheer: :cheer: It is really great to have these feelings. I am even more glad because it is after several hard days and I never lost faith in that fact so I think it shows true progress and healing.

absolutely a sister in recovery.  and, when i say you are a force to be reckoned with, that has no strings or expectations attached.  you simply are.  what you've accomplished in the past year, what you've decided to do with your life, the dignity and grace with which you continue to deal with life and its complications - that is a force to be reckoned with.

that you will continue to move forward is beyond a doubt, to my mind.  that is a force to be reckoned with.  it doesn't matter how quickly or slowly you go - just the idea that you've consistently done the hard work of recovery, and that you're planning to continue with that - that's a force to be reckoned with.  your heart, your love, your kindness, your willingness to 'drive the hard roads' - that 's the force within you that i'm talking about.  formidable, indeed.

i am so very proud of all you've learned, of how much you've changed, and of the woman you've become.  your light continues to shine more brightly with each step you take.  you are an inspiration for anyone who has even begun this journey.  thanks for being you, for being in my life.  it wouldn't be the same without you.  not nearly as warm and caring.  love you,  :hug: :hug: :hug:

San, I truly need to copy those and put them in a note in my phone or something so I can read it in moments of doubt. I am constantly in awe of your kind words and those brought happy tears to my eyes.  :hug: :hug:  Through your words I can see myself differently, and that has really helped all that I have done this year. You are so dear to me and I hope you know I cherish you every day. Even through just this computer screen your heart shows through and has affected me so much.

I am grateful to hear I am a force just because of what has already been accomplished and by just being me. I want to be able to dive fully in but I am admittedly nervous. Most of my life people attached strings to compliments, so I think I am still learning that big compliments like that don't have strings when they come  from safe people. I am excited to move forward (however fast I do), and truly for the life I am choosing to live. I cannot wait to be able to help others even more than I already do. It is unbelievable the affect I seem to have by just sharing my journey and being present with other survivors, so the idea of getting the training to do even more than that is fantastic.

Thank you for always reminding me you are proud of what I have learned and the woman I have become (and am still becoming). It is really nice to know it is noticed and seen. This work is hard, you know that better than most people in my life, but I do try to take it all in stride with that grace you spoke about me having lol. So it goes unseen by people around me a lot of times. I have come to be okay with that because I can see the change and the way I present in the world is so vastly different. That light coming out I guess.

Hopefully I can continue to inspire people beginning their journey or well into it.  Makes my hard work and openness even more worth it.

Love you always, Elpha  :hug: :hug:




Sidenote post: I have really come to realize I am ready to dive into the new plan for healing stuff. knowing I recognize that it is okay if I do have to slow it down at some point and that it will mean I likely need to not pick up anything extra in my life while doing it is so important. I know that I cannot do that intense of a recovery plan if I am trying to balance a million super stressful things at once. I also recognize that my limits are okay, that if I do slow down that isn't a reflection of me not being enough, or never going to heal, it is just simply that I can only do so much. I went through several versions of * to get to this point in my life and I deserve the time it takes to heal from that. No need to rush that.

Knowing that is my mindset going in is good. It is progress of the biggest sort. That is kindness towards me and understanding of myself. It means if it is too much I am less likely to just push until I break. I know that won't help me and I know where my limits are. I am healthier and can recognize when pausing is important. For that reason I do really think I am ready to try to dive in to that intensity. I have the ability to balance, but I also have an ability to look at my past as it was. To not get overwhelmed when I get flashes of memories. It does still happen but for most things I can recognize that it is there, figure out why it is coming up with and allow it to process or be talked about with my T as needed. That is a safe good balance. So nervous yes, but I do see that I am ready.

I am also just recognizing the giant mental shifts that have happened recently. I am not really sure where they happened but they did. I see myself in a different light, even when emotional and hurting I see myself as strong and worthy of what I have/ am getting. I know I deserve to be treated well, and I deserve to be getting the happy things I am. I also see just in general my worth as a human being, I didn't used to have that. I don't apologize for existing anymore, and have faith in myself so much more often. It is like I have a healthy sense of self and ego or something crazy like that lol  :blink:  :cheer:

It feels different, in such a good strong way. i feel the power I have and and gaining as I heal and work towards everything.

Goodness knows it won't always feel like this. Emdr is hard, recovery is hard, grad school and life is hard. I won't always have this good of a mind set and I am sure there will be times I feel like I can't do anything right etc.. but I think I will come back to this space easier. That this foundation I have been working so hard to build over the last year will keep me level and stable even in the hard parts. EMDR is exhausting and the first time I tried it intensely it sent me reeling, I wasn't ready which was quickly obvious. I have since done quite a bit of it sporadically within the foundation work and it has gotten better. Each time a little stronger and now I think I can go forward with it and look at the hard stuff. It will mean hard days and some exhaustion I am sure, also lots of writing here (if it is possible to do more than I already do haha..) I am ready. That is my mantra today.

Oh second side note. The song "Rise up" by Andra Day is worth listening to on repeat. It is my song today and I know some other survivors that adore it

Yes, you seem ready for some big steps. Often when I've felt that way, I somehow tripped in my excitement; mostly I forgot to also take it easy and especially be easy on myself. And repeat it every time there's a stumble, and know that it'll be okay. The key is still "one step at a time."

You're obviously quite aware of that, having already experienced your share of adversity, something I think we all risk; but still we somehow try. In spite of it all, you'll find your ace ... "despite the ache, I'll rise a thousand times again, rise up ... in spite of the ache." Here's best wishes for your new turn in the adventure.  :hug:

I

Woodsgnome, that is all phrased so wonderfully. I trully appreciate it. Also just the use of the song was amazing.  :hug: i wish Inhad responded yesterday when I had more full thoughts for it.

Today I find myself grief stricken a bit again, like a punch to the gut. I found out another coworker of mine from the same job as my friend. He was such a kind soul although fearlessly outspoken and himself fully. Not sure what happened but apparently it was sudden on Christmas morning... not sure I can do another funeral but I might.

Anyways feeling like the good for the last several days is still valid but this ache is real and valid too.

Elphanigh said:  ..."the good for the last several days is still valid but this ache is real and valid too."

First, let me send you what little comfort I can for the new piece of heartbreak you've experienced. 

Next, to the quote from your post included above, I think it's important to recognize the validity and possibility of both the good vibes you've been noticing as well as the ache to coexist. It's pretty easy to give in to the aches and forget the rest. Recently I've also been having extreme trouble with a similar push/pull situation. It's like the aches are desperately racing to catch up and upset the progress we've made yet there's no denying the good stuff that has come our way despite the adversity of past/present/future circumstances.

I hope you can keep it all together given this new setback.

o honey, i'm so sorry.  how horrible.

i agree with wg that we can feel all sorts of contrasting things and they can all be valid.  life is complicated, and so are our feelings.  there is so much going on each and every day.  i'm just glad you can validate yourself even when things aren't totally smooth.

sending love, as always, and an embracing, gentle hug. 

Thank you both  :grouphug:

I think I have managed to find that balance. At least yesterday I did, and all we can ever really do is give our best int thay present day. It feels like I can continue to know that the good and bad can coexist, they aren't exclusive (not the word I am looking for here but hoping it works).

Hugs to you both  :hug:

Hi Elpha, Good that you found balance yesterday - I agree with you that it's all we can ever really do to give our best in the present day.  Sending you a hug.  :hug:
Hope  :)