Elphanigh's journey to healthy

[Elphanigh]

Thank you dear friend. You always know just what to say. I am trying to get it just right, you are perceptive. I want to have this long, beautiful career... but I am worried the world might take this one from me too, or that I am choosing wrong and will lose my chance if this is the wrong choice. It helps to hear that you made so many different turns and still ended up where you needed to be each time.

If I get what I want for school, I have another 6 years of it. That ever elusive PhD before I turn thirty.. that has been my goal, even on the other career path. I wanted that degree before I hit the big 30. I am worried to not acheive that, more that I am worried about leaving music. Well, it is a very close race anyways for which one is more concerning I guess. Maybe I shouldn't be so worried about that. Maybe life has a way of putting me where I need to be, even if that takes a bunch of turns.


All that to say, thank you. It helps to hear that. I don't think anything can ever completely assuage my nerves about this, but it helps.

On a good note, I managed to actually start writing my admissions paper today. There is substance and a good start. It was good to finally write, and oddly enough happened after a truly intense therapy session. Which is another post topic

[Elphanigh]

Rereading that, response San. Thank you for having faith in me, and seeing so much light in me. It means the world that you see that, because I see so much of what I want to be in you. 


Anyways new post, which means therapy post. Today's session hit me particularly hard... I am okay but it is a ton to process and take in. I sat with the eight year old version of me, whom I described as brave, fiery, and hardened. She took over to become little adult...she is the tough version that helped the rest of me survive. She had the worst job. I couldn't get through to her on my own this week. Continuously struggled to connect and get any form of trust going, and just couldn't get in touch with that part of myself. She was very much one of the more dissociated bits for me.

In session today, I decided I wanted to see if my T could help facilitate making this connection. I am glad I did, as I found it. I gained new insight into the feelings held in that part of me, the questions that I have that will never have proper answers... into the feelings of some inadequacy, and failure that come from that little girl. A little girl that wishes she could play, and be told she was doing a good job.. we explor d the idea of playing a time one point.. plan is to do some chalk next week if I think is warm enough.

Either way, I recounted some stuff with my parents because it resurfaced. I am still pretty new to dealing with my FOO issues, as I hadn't accepted them until recently. So confronting some of the worst of that, and see it reflected on this little girl's face is so hard. I forgot how much hurt, and pain that I hold inside of me. I have lives worth of pain and heartache... I am not even 25... I have seen more hurt than a lot of people see in a lifetime.. really that eight year old had already seen that much . She was already an adult, in how she had to live and responsibilities put on her anyways.
Sitting with all of the hurt, and feeling the distrust she has as well is so draining and heart breaking in a way. But I connected, and that is the goal. If I can connect and trust those pieces of me, and have them trust me I can start to fully process old wounds.

My T shared a beautiful kind of explanation (with my permission) for the "why me" question that the little 8 year old me wanted to know. I didn't have words but my T vaguely did, and I gained some great insight into myself because of the way she structured her words. She didn't truly answer but gave some strong, insightful insight. She is truly amazing at what she does, and I am grateful to have found her. It was empowering in some ways, and made me appreciate to a fuller extent just what that version of me did to help me survive. To see why that little girl chose to step up, my T gave a sense of choice and power to that little girl. Not in a bad like you are responsible sense, but in a i stepped up and survived, that I fought and chose to fight despite everything. I chose to save people along the way. At 8 years old that is a large feat, and one that I am growing to appreciate a little more. Learning to not be so hard on her failures because she did so much right

[Elphanigh]

My brain can't really put words to everything, but there will be more to that. I have a feeling this will develop as the week goes. I just have to be patient and keep this work up. So much is going on with graduate school applications, change in my relationships (for the better), within my family, and just me as a person.... it is all so much. But I am choosing to go through this very difficult, and draining process.. to heal early. I just need to keep the gumption and determination up.

[Elphanigh]

I did my ego state work today, and after yesterday it was very powerful again. I got to more fully talk to my eight year old. I cried really healing tears through it, to be honest. There is so much ofthe girl that wishes that someone would have saved her, wonders why no one ever did. Even now, it is me that has to save that version of myself. However, she saved several people from my fate... she kept people clear of the nightmare I was living... somehow as an eight year old I was strong enough to to try to decide to save people I cared about. She did such a wonderful job, but let herself take in so much damage. She elected to take on more, so people would take on less.

As much as that little girl wants to have been saved, I know I would choose the same way. Now I can save that little girl. I can give her what she didn't have.. I can help her understand what it all was. I can help heal the wounds she has. I will do that, with time.

[sanmagic7]

dang, el, you are a wonder to behold.  really.  inspirational and someone to admire, even at 8 yrs. old. 

i'm just so glad for you for the work you're doing (both at school and personally) and the realizations and results you're seeing.  stronger and stronger.  you sound so different now than 6 mos. ago.  it's really showing.

i hope your goal is do-able by 30, i really do.  i also hope that if it's not accomplished within that time frame that you don't let it stop you, but just keep going.  you'll get there, of that i have no doubt.

sending a big hug filled with encouragement and love.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you dear. I think I reread that response like five times. You inspire me regularly, so to read that I am a wonder and an inspiration, even at 8, is a big deal. I chose to save everyone I could at that age. I often chose to get hurt over letting someone else take the hit. Both physically and emotionally. I put myself intentionally in the path of my angry parents, so my siblings could avoid it, or put myself in the path of my more intens abusers to keep them from my sister or friends. I thought I cwould I'll save everyone. I chose to take more pain so others would need to. I was a brave, strong kid.

This version of me is so beautifully strong, and resilient. I can help her now.. like no one ever did.

Thank you for seeing so much in me, San. It reminds me to see the same in myself.

I am glad I can be doing so much work. It is intense on both fronts. I feel almost a different person than I was six months ago sometimes... it is good to hear that I sound stronger to you. That it is notable that I am working so hard. Btw you have helped me in these realizations and results, your wisdom has truly helped.

I hope it is doable too. There is enough time, I just have to work really hard. If not, I think I will be strong enough to keep going. It is just a marker that I would like to have happen. Thank you for always having so much faith in me. I have a lot to learn still

[sanmagic7]

well, we all have a lot to learn still, el.  you're not alone in that one.

i'm just noting what i see in you - you're the one producing all of it.   where that 8-yr. old got so much compassion from when not shown much is a wonderment to me.  it's taken me nearly all my life to feel compassion or empathy.  i'm so glad you've had her in your life, and that you're now strong enough to take care of her like she's taken care of so many others.  absolutely beautiful.

love you, darling el.  big hug filled with everything you need.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you for noting what you see. It is truly good to hear someone sees the change. I don't know where little me got the compassion from, but I can't envision who I would be without it. My drive to save people, saved me because it gave me a purpose.. something bigger than just surviving what happened. My empathy and compassion just kind of was. I forget that it was a miracle that I had any at all.

Love you too, San. I am so glad to have you in my life. Hugs back at you

[sanmagic7]

ditto, sweetie.

[Elphanigh]

Triggered my fight or flight response really badly in my body tonight. I managed to get through my social engagement with it, but as I am headed home I am feeling the effects deeply...

My anxiety and hypervigilance are in overdrive, which is just a hard thing to cope with. It has been a while since it was quite so strong.. i know I will get home and try to do some grounding. However, posting here is helping me get through the ride home. It is also important to note what caused it and when it happens for the sake of starting to cope with them, or prepare for them a bit better.

Just have to breathe through it.

[DecimalRocket]

 

[Elphanigh]

Thank you 

[sanmagic7]

right beside you, el.  big hug filled with warmth and love.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you, dear. That hug was perfect , and having you by my side is always something I am grateful for. Today is better, I think this is just part of the process I guess. Digging stuff up puts it closer to the surface so maybe I am just more prone to those moments. I knew what triggered it, but not so much why it continued. I will see what I can find.

Thankfully I had the day off, because I woke up with a killer headache today feeling pretty zapped. I turned it around though, managed to grocery shop, bake, and get some cleaning done. I am about to get some reading and paper writing done as well

[Elphanigh]

*trigger warning* inner child, ego state work, grief
.
.

This recent round of recovery has been very intense. I feel like I am making large strides, but that also means the pain from it is just as intense. This is the first time I have fully sat with all the younger versions of myself. I almost forgot just how much pain, suffering, grief, and even anger there is in me. I went through * as a kid.. name a type of abuse and I can tell you stories of it happening, because I have experienced most. This is a truth I have known for a long time, but I am finding it difficult lately.

Doing the daily work for this round of therapy has been enlightening and draining. I find it is rewarding, but I rarely go a day without crying because of it. Sitting with the worst feelings, and moments in my life even for a little while everyday is exhausting. I am tackling this at an exhausting time in my life anyways. Graduate school applications, admissions tests, loss of relationships, several deaths, my dads illness.. and I am still choosing to heal.

I feel frustrated with it the last few days, my Little's questions echo in my head "why me? Why can't I be normal? Why can't I just be good?" Now that I don't blame myself, I don't have answers for those questions, other than the people in my life weren't good to me, the adults weren't good enough, no one cared enough.

It is frustrating to be more vulnerable because I am choosing to heal. My nightmares come back, I am more easily triggered... I am more tired all the times. More aware of all the things in my day that are affected by the younger versions of me.

It is heart breaking to look at these younger versions of me, and not know how to help them. To see how much they went through... how much I went through.