Elphanigh's journey to healthy

[Elphanigh]

Thank you dear friend. 

It is good to hear that you see the caring, loving person that I am. I have truly struggled to see that some.. I have been sucked into reminders of me being horrible. Into years of abuse by countless people that should have cared for me, and people I didn't even know... into the years of the litttle girl that believed it was something wrong with her, that she was the bad and evil person and that is why people hurt her.

It brought me closer to feeling like I caused my sisters pain again, that I was the abuser there... that other people just got hurt because of me. That I only bring pain to other people in the long run.

I have glimpsed at that self hate again. Felt that girl in me again.

It is a struggle, one that I have always had. It gets better but it still happens. It is still a spiral that is easy for me to tumble down. I am capable of more hatred for myself than I am any other person or thing.

With everything else life is throwing at me it is an easy thing to feel again.

[sanmagic7]

it really is easy to go down that spiral again when in the midst of a bunch of stuff - you're right about that.  here's hoping you are able to continue to use some positive self-talk as much as you are able to thwart those neg. messages.   you really are caring and kind - the proof of that is that you wouldn't be so concerned about hurting others if you weren't.  never forget that, my dear el.

earth mother spirit wrapping you up in encouragement and determination.   

[Elphanigh]

Thank you dear San 

I need that so much. You confirming my kindness helps a lot. It is easy to lose sight of it.  I am doing what I can to use positive self talk to help get past the negatives. Today is easier. I managed to get angry at a few things from her... things that I do probably deserve to be hurt and angry over.

I will try not to forget my friend. You are a dear friend and sister to me San. Thank you. Your warm Mother Earth spirit. I need that 

[sanmagic7]

i'm happy to remind you whenever i can.  people who aren't kind don't really care how someone else feels.  you've posted your care and concern about others from the beginning.   you truly do have a light in you that will someday shine on the darkness of the world.  you're doing great with everything you've had to deal with lately.  earth mother spirit is with you always, embracing you, keeping you safe and warm.  you are a child of the earth, my darling el.  love and hugs to you.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you. The Mother Earth spirit makes me breathe a little more deeply today. Your reminder has helped put another good piece in for me today. I am trying so fully to do well with everything. I just need that good sometimes.

Thank you dear friend

[Elphanigh]

I am finally  writing in here at the end of a long day. It is going to take time to heal from this all but I can finally start down that path. One day this to will have passed. I just have to stick it out while I work through it. Some of this post will be trauma, some of it will be recent. It all relates though because of my big trauma.. I have really bad attachment/abandonment issues because of my traumas. Therefore things like this aggravate my symptoms. So here goes what I can get out tonight.

My almost two year long relationship officially ended today, it took the last blow this afternoon after a long strand of them for a few weeks. It ended for many reasons, and honestly after the skype today, on much better terms than I would have assumed. We are going to rebuild a friendship, it will take time but somewhere along the way we lost what was good about us. We could talk about anything and everything under the sun. We lost that in the fire of everything else.. I am glad to be working on putting that foundation back together with her as my friend. I know that will take time as things have not truly been healthy since last October.

It has taken me months to get to this point, and honestly I am glad I took the time. It was long, stressful, and full of hurt but had we done this at any other time it would not have been right for us.. it would have resulted in the loss of that friendship entirely. I have also learned from the last several months. That is not to say I am glad how things happened, but am rather just glad we gave each other the grace of time with this. From here we can rebuild.

I did something I am not proud of but to be clean of it, and to recognize myself as human I will write it here. My friends have showed me that it is okay, and that I am human. That I am no less to them because of it. But I think I still need to feel that and get the through to myself. I know my ex gf is seeing that, and we got to hash it out maturely today so that helps but it will take time for the both of us. Especially me because how it ties in with my trauma (see thread in difficult day)

Either way, here is my truth and it is my journal so I can safely put it here.. I grew attached to and slept with a mutual friend of ours. This friend is married (was going through the efforst of starting a divorce but still married).. I did so with no warning to my gf at the time, and had not yet told her. She found out through a message that called me a homewrecker.. the night before my gf's wedding.. It ruined her wedding night and those following. It is now three weeks after and we have finally talked and gotten here..but it has made me question myself time and time again. Has sent me down my self hate that was taught by my trauma.

It sent me to rememebring other thigns I blamed myself for.. and other times I felt like a horrible person. So I am here trying to heal all of that, and mend my friendship with her as well.

Life is crazy on top of all of this so there is just a lot. I have spent the greater part of the last 8 years in relationships and I think it is time to sit back and figure out who I am. I spent four years in one relationship, and then 2 years in this one with only about 2 months between. Previous that they were shorter both relationship and gap times.. So much has happened, espeically in the last 6 years.. I need to I think find who that has made me. I need to learn to be myself and figure out exactly who that is now.

I am truly not sure where to start but I am going to devote myself to this adventure. Wherever that may take me.

Anyways I am hopeful. I am still in a great deal of pain, and it will take time as I realize most of my things, and a lot of my apartment is filled with things that were hers, were gifts from her, were ours together.. etc. It will take time to clear what I need to of that from me for now and start to learn how to live life that isn't centered around her.

I want to live a life not centered around a relationship. I just need to figure out how to do that.

[sanmagic7]

good for you, sweetie.  a worthwhile venture, to my mind.  i think it can be awfully easy to drown our real selves in a relationship (i know i've done it with all different kinds, from romantic to friends to family) but then it's awfully easy to not know our own sense of self, likes and dislikes, boundaries, what's ok to allow in our lives and what isn't.

the more i've gotten out of relationships of the unhealthy type, the easier it's been to see me for me.  i don't doubt the same will happen for you.  it is an exploration, an adventure, and a discovery expedition.  i hope you can gain some really wonderful knowledge about yourself, truths that have been buried and/or hidden behind lies.  sending a hug filled with courage and determination to you, you darling el.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you dear. I am hoping it is a good venture. Right now it is a lot of stress and crazy. Just wanting to get caught up and settled a bit again.

I am glad that you have been here and had success with it. You out perfectly what happens, that losing sense of self etc.. thank you.

Sorry I don't have other words right now. Yesterday was long

[Elphanigh]

I have found myself taking this change a great deal better than I initially anticipated. I have found myself really finding that things will be okay. That I can have peace with everything in a way because I have known this would be healthier for a long time, without being able to fully do anything about it.

I have started to do yoga every day again, and have really put myself back into my own goals. I am studying for the GRE, and really enjoying my research for the paper I am writing for admissions. Part of that is my need to be busy but part of it is healthier for me too. I have grieved some and I did for a while before it was all over. I can't grieve what was no longer there, and can only move forward towards what can be. Which at the moment is me getting into grad school and furthering myself in pursuit of what I love.

I do feel the need to see my T soon, but money is making it difficult. I am truly hoping to be able to do something about it soon. It would bee good to get to go over all of this with her. Just to have a fresh set of eyes on everything.

Recently, I worked my first official shift (after training) for my yet again new job. This one is paying me already which is really going to help me. I will start to financially catch up with everything.

My inner child has required a great deal of comfort in the last several weeks as well. I have begun to color at the end of my evening to help calm little me. I don't have a great deal of time to devote to little me, but I try to do at least one thing at the end of the night that will help her through this transition too. Change when I was younger was never good, so I struggle with it. Adult me craves change and new things, but little me needs comfort in it to be okay. It is a strange dichotomy, but I realize I have to accept it and learn to go well with it.

I look forward to the change in about 10 months, but until then I will learn to get little me through this change so I can be prepared for when the big one comes. In 9-10 months I will leave the place I have basically lived for 6 years to go somewhere new and start school again. Until then I will heal what I can and continue to grow in this chapter of my life.

[AphoticAtramentous]

It's nice to know things are slowly getting better for you, Elphanigh. ^^
I hope the new job doesn't work you too hard. And keep up with that yoga!

"I have begun to color at the end of my evening to help calm little me."
Reminds me of the time I first saw a counsellor and he recommended I bring along colouring books to class and just... colour whilst I listen to the teacher. It was really calming... and there's something about focusing on "what colour should I use for this part" that is so pleasantly distracting (whilst listening to the teacher still of course!).

[Elphanigh]

Thanks Aphotic

The new job is working me less than the last one which is tremendous. Also trying to make a habit of the yoga, I know it is a hard one to build but I am getting there.

It is cool that a counselor recommended that to you. It is a great way to use it

[sanmagic7]

you go, el.  sounds like you are putting pieces in place now that you have more time to focus on yourself.  very glad for you.   you're doing it, you little sweetheart!  so very proud to be part of your life.   big hug.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you for the kind words and encouragement It is wonderful to hear. I just got done with my yoga session for today, so it is great to come here and read this. I am really trying to put all the pieces into place now. It is a lot of work but good.  I am so glad to have you as part of my life San.  Big hug to you as well

[Elphanigh]

 I have shared this with a couple of safe people but never fully here. This is going to take a lot of courage, and I apologize for the length if it ends up being lengthy.

*trigger warning*



As quite a few of you know I was abused for most of my childhood very severely, and it continued to lesser extents all the way until about January in various forms. I have done the math for an estimate of how many times my two main abusers sexually abused me.. the number is over a few thousand.. and more than I can cope with the idea of most days. Although that too is getting easier, because I know the number doesn't truly matter in that case. I have had longer to work with that truth... I have done that math many times over the years.

What I don't know is how many people and times outside of that few thousand. Part of my truth is that one of my main abusers traded/ lent me out to other people. Never for long periods of time, usually just enough to sexually abuse me and return me. Most of what I remember he was present for in keeping the bargain or what ever deal it was.
'
A great number of these memories are among some of my more violent ones. They treated me with more anger, violence, roughness, and just overall bad things than my main abusers did. I was a toy to use and throw away to the people I was traded to.
I have come to know that I will never remember well enough to know how many people I was traded to, and just how many people abused me that way.. I will never know how many people raped me.. (I hate that word but I need to try to use it)..how many people hurt me on purpose


One day, I will come to accept this more effectively. For now it is a huge step in the process. Just doing the math for my two main abusers is enough to choke down.. this adds a layer. I do not normally share this truth.. but I wanted to try to be honest and authentic here. It has helped in other ways, I just have never let myself be quite this open.
Sorry for the length..

[woodsgnome]

Elphanigh...thanks for having the courage you've shown about this. It's not so much about "accepting it some day"; or accepting it better. You've already been there, facing it with all the honesty you could muster and then some. That's acceptance and beyond it's courageous to have stepped out like that.

I'm sure you're a bit set back in your energy level after that, so find a spot on that special porch for a spell and watch for the new horizon taking shape as you will find a way through with this and find the new hope you so richly deserve.