Elphanigh's journey to healthy

[sanmagic7]

polyamory it is - pardon my ignorance.  i'm not well versed in that lifestyle, but glad to learn.  thank you.

it's true, i believe that, we all have reasons for what we do.  i also believe it's important to figure out those reasons because they help us put more pieces of our own puzzle together.  i give you a lot of credit for the courage it took to write about this and to continue to explore it.  proud of you, sweetie.

earth mother spirit is there whenever needed.  she's the one who sits on the porch in her rocking chair with a knit shawl around her shoulders and flowers in her hair, satisfaction and contentment and understanding on her face while her eyes twinkle with delight at what's around her.  she welcomes everyone, gathers them in.

keep taking care of yourself, elphanigh, ok?   as best you can.  come join me on the porch if you need a break.  love and hugs to you.

[Elphanigh]

Thank tou so much for your willingness to learn. I love your nother earth spirit so much. I come to here and the porch in my downtimes.

I am brave to write about this here only because accepting people like you. I feel safe to write and explore here. Alot of that is the kindness you have shown me.

I will join you on the porch after work my friend. 

[Elphanigh]

I do need to at least contemplate whether my girlfriend is unintentionally abusive.... I have a trusted friend it out again.. with the up and down cycle that is always present and the level of self blame that I have for it. I don't think it would ever be intentional but getting called out on it by multiple people in the last few days certainly spikes some thought.

I just don't know what to do with it.. because she isn't overtly abusive.. she doesn't intend any of this... she is very loving and caring most of the time.. and doesn't realize this problem.. I am also good at causing the lows because of my ability to spin things in my mind... to spiral with the smaller things.. and I did hurt her this time..l even if unintentionally I did. I know there is fault there in my side too.

She does love me more than anything and I have a truly hard time reconciling the two opposites... she doesn't intend to hurt me...if it was malicious I could see it as abusive easily but it isn't that.. she legitimately cares and helped me through * so many times over... she has done so much good for me... it is hard to think her as bad too.. and trying to figure out what information to listen to.... it is a mess and I barely have the capacity to handle everything else going on.. let alone this on top

[sanmagic7]

you know, i think there's a gray area between intentional and unintentional abuse, which would be something along the lines of carelessness.  having said this, i think intentional abuse is meant to hurt.  unintentional abuse hurts, but when it's known what kinds of behaviors and/or words have hurt someone, the person will apologize and be mindful of not doing/saying it again.

carelessness with another person's feelings can also be a form of abuse (my opinion only).  knowing what hurts, what's hurtful, what doesn't feel good to the other person but not being careful to avoid those seems like abuse to me.  so many of us have been harmed, traumatized, and damaged over and over by careless people.   

too often, i think carelessness seems not very important, not looked at very closely as abusive because it doesn't seem like it's done with intent to hurt.  yet, if i think about it closely, in the end it is a series of hurts possibly interrupted by loving gestures. 

i guess it comes down to balance.  do the hurts outweigh the positives?  if others are seeing something in your girlfriend that you aren't seeing, i think you're wise to contemplate the reality of this relationship.  i remember your distress when she refused to get in touch with you after you called or left numerous messages.  the silent treatment is a very abusive behavior, no matter what its source.

i am sorry, elphanigh, that you are struggling with this now.  you do have a lot on your plate.  i hope you can be kind to yourself, and take good care of yourself through all this.  you deserve it.  you are a beautiful being.  big hug, much love.

[Three Roses]

I don't think she's "bad" - I know at times I've become abusive but that doesn't change who I am. The things that I do are only an expression that comes from who I am, but I am not my actions.

I hope I'm saying this right - reacting to pain in a dysfunctional or abusive way doesn't make me bad anymore than a thoughtful act here and there makes me good. The key is balance, for me.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you both. That is a lot of food for thought. I don't have a lot of words right now, but am thinking about it all. 

The support and love from both of you is beyond amazing.

San, I promise I am being as kind and caring to myself  as I can through this all. I have gotten past the larger part of my self hate so that is a huge plus. Took me four days but I got here.

[sanmagic7]

i'm just glad you got here, 4 days later or 40 days later.  you did get here and i have no doubt that you'll get farther in time.   your own time.  that's what counts.  i think you're doing great.   love and hugs, sweetie.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you San. I love your encouragement. Your spirit always warms my heart, dear friend

[Elphanigh]

So it has been quite a while. The week or so has been too crazy and I have been away from this place for the most part. However, I have been here in spirit with everyone. This update may be long, so bear with me if you are still reading this. I will, as always, try to separate some of this.

I got that new job, and they didn't pay me for three weeks. So I worked the 50+ hour weeks for nothing.. it has made it impossible for me to pay rent this week. I have to talk to my landlord on Monday after I have done the math to figure out exactly how far behind I am. In the mean time I have been searching for a new job and finally got one yesterday.i will go back to serving tables like I did in college. This isn't ideal but it is one that I know I ha done well before and it gets me paid quickly. I will need that. It is going to be hard to eat and such this month.

I am still out a car and will be for the foreseeable future. This puts me on bus rides every day, when I nanny those rides take me two hours both ways.

My inner self is truly suffering because I feel like I have caused a lot of undue hurt lately. It wasn't intentional, and it doesn't make me a bad person, but my inner self really struggles with it. I don't want to ever hurt anyone so it pains me I have hurt people I loved. I needed people so badly that I hurt them in the process. It has spiked a lot of unrest in my inner child.

I miss my person a lot..she was my go to for everything. She is kind of there, still supportive in the new job and such but so emotionally detached. It is really hard to experience that. It wakes all the abandonment issues I have up, things have gotten better since she started talking to me again but i know she is unsure of me and protecting her heart from me.

I know that part of me would be healthier without her, that it could be betterment to just again go through leaving her and actually have it stick this time.. to break my own heart. But right now I don't know that I would survive the added pain to my system. I am already going through too much.

My dad had the first of his surgeries on Wednesday. He did well but he is really struggling with recovery already because it is so truly difficult to not be able to get around and move for him. He has a few months to work through part of this recovery before they open him up again in October.

I am worried I will not get to be with my family for Christmas. It will be very difficult if that is the case.
But going home would also be very difficult with the recent discoveries about how abusive they were when I was a kid. I did have a panic that I would have to go home if I couldn't make rent... but I can't let that happen.

I haven't seen my T and am not sure when I will next. I have a friend willing to take me if she can so hopefully once I get a week or two into this job I will be able to manage it. I need it a lot... I miss having a place to just process for an hour and to work through this.

My grad school stuff really hit the back burner and I need to truly start at it again. It is where I want my life to go so I need to put my energy there. It is just hard because I have so little energy currently. Everything seems to be sucking all my energy out.

I am constantly in survival mode at this point. It is much like I was as a kid... having to be in survival mode is unhealthy. I know it is bad for my brain chemistry, quite literally, and causes all of the slow downs I feel. I am in great need of coming out of it so I can get even again.

Such a long update.. there is more but it is all I can do for now. Just trying to heal the best that I can.

[Blueberry]

Just a shortish reply - OMG Elphanigh, I'm so sorry. Just on top of everything else, an employer who doesn't pay! How is that possible?? something in me screams. But it seems to be so. I mean, I believe you! But it is not right at all. Feeling angry for you. 

to you for finding the help you need IRL atm and as much support as you can here to help you through with RL.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you so much Blueberry. I will be angry when I can finally get up the energy. Right now I am just pushing through. The anger, and probably the really good cry I will eventually need, have not hit me.

I really appreciate the  I definitely need them right now. Things have been crazy

[Elphanigh]

It has been a really long few weeks, and made longer yesterday morning. I have started my new job but we have been working 10- 12 hour days the last four days in a row. I have one more today and then some time off thankfully. I am just super exhausted because I really haven't had time off in weeks...

My dad is recovering some surgery but taking it really hard so my family is a sore point right now... they always are but trying to help them is exhausting from here.

My girlfriend probably won't be thst for very long, and maybe thst is good in the long run, but it hurts right now. After talking to her yesterday morning on our first skype I don't truly see it getting better... because I don't think she will ever fully want it to. It spun me into self hate and guilt again which takes so much out of me. It triggers me into old habits, and memories of other things I blame myself for. Either way, super unhealthy

I haven't seen my T in a bit over a month and can really feel the difference. Being off my meds is also probably not helping at all either.

It has been a long road and I have just felt alone and exhausted for weeks.. it starts to get better and then something else decides to crash. Catching up feels like a forgein concept... I am just trying to desperately stay above water...

Sorry for just a rant in here. I am trying to do everything I can to heal but right now I am forced into survival mode

[Three Roses]

You are entitled to a rant, dear Elphanigh!  It does get dreary, doesn't it, pushing on thru all the pain. But I'm here to say it is worth it, and so are you! Keep taking steps in a healing direction, whatever that looks like for you; even the smallest steps will get you to a destination. Big hugs! I'll be thinking of you today.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you for that Three Roses. I always feel bad ranting, but a lot is going on at once and I am just exhausted.

Definitely small steps right now. Most of the time that is just hetying through my work day... I have a few days off this weekend (the first in a long time) so hoping to use them wisely.

Hugs are the besr right now. I adore them, thanks 

[sanmagic7]

well, here are a few more for you           

no worries about the rant.  i've done that too many times to count.  you're absolutely ok on all levels.

i know you will get thru all of this - and you're quite right, it is a lot -  in time.  please be patient with yourself.  you are such a loving, caring person, and i know you didn't intend any hurt to anyone else.  unfortunately, as i've said before, we all hurt people at one time or another.  we didn't know their triggers, boundaries, or their sensitive places is all.

it's an acceptance thing about being human.  we will all screw up from time to time.   there's no getting around it.  so, we do what we can to make amends (whether they're accepted or not is another thing, something we can't control, but that's up to the other person) the best we can, and then we know we are clean with the situation.

i like the feeling of being clean.  when i went nc with my d, it broke my heart, but i knew that i did everything in my power to make our relationship a healthy one.  it wasn't reciprocated, tho, and i couldn't fix that, couldn't control it, and finally, couldn't live with what was happening anymore.   so, i feel clean about doing something that goes against every nerve in my being as a mother.   i don't regret it, and it has been a relief.

those little steps, el, will get you where you need to be.   just keep taking care of yourself.  here's a hug loaded with patience for you.