Through the Looking Glass to Trigger Town: mftb's Recovery Journal V.1.0

[movementforthebetter]

What's in my head right now? Tinnitus has been a lot more noticible today.

I'm a swirlingess of thoughts, always. Some days I am bothered less than others. Generally I feel better after talking. And yet there's this culture of positivity that makes me have to choose who I open up to carefully. "Fake it til you make it" means I almost constantly feel lacking at work but can't usually express it in the "right" way that will actually get me the help I need. I rarely, fully open up to anyone, including significant others,  and I think that makes things worse. But it feels beyond my ability to break this cycle. Not sure what to do. Will sleep and meditate on it.

[movementforthebetter]

Possible triggers in this post for pain.



Went for a walk this morning and was thinking about the nature of pain. Pain is the body's defense mechanism. It ranges in severity from mildly annoying to strong enough that a person passes out or screams uncontrollably. All of this is the nervous system working to achieve the end goal of getting an injured person to stop moving and tend to their wounds. Weirdly, its main,  unintended consequence is that a person experiencing serious pain is truly living in the moment, unable to focus on anything else.  Tending to the wound becomes imparative. Rarely in happiness are people in that state of focus. Meditation and hypnosis can be used to diminish pain, but aren't usually quick fixes. Mind over matter is very difficult when fighting against the body's own neurological defenses and chemical processes. Emotional pain uses different processes, but the result is pretty much the same. Mental and physical symptoms that keep a person stuck where they are, or even in the past, as I learned in The Body Keeps the Score.

So what this means for me is that I have a really hard time looking to the future, focusing, planning and exercising discipline. I am working to counter these difficulties, but sometimes I see very limited success or else can have big setbacks. I understand now why "right now" is so important and difficult to me. It's both where I am swept back from, and where I need to be. Never mind the future, which seems to be mine and everyone else's goal. I am starting to understand the absolute need for patience with myself even if no one else is showing it. Overcoming this is a life's work. I'm also starting to understand what patience really is. It's like a mantra to be repeated. I am ok now. Even if I'm not, I will be soon. Even if it doesn't feel like it, time is passing and I am making progress. I am swimming upstream in my own body, and that's not an easy task. And this all takes incredible discipline, even though it will probably never show externally.


On another note completely, I was thrift shopping and found a small soapstone beaver. I picked it up and a memory flashed up of having my own soapstone carving as a child. It was a souvenir I picked on a trip with my father. Such a large amount of nostalgia. One of my positive memories of childhood. It's nice to know that when I'm swept backward it's not always going to be to a painful place.

Edited to add that I am bone tired these days. Cancelling plans with friends yet craving companionship. Trying to focus on myself but feeling like I need a boyfriend or husband to feel whole. I know that's social conditioning but I can't help it. I feel like I need someeone to look after me,  to watch out for me, because I struggle so much on my own. And at the same time,  dating is incredibly triggering because I keep seeing how far behind I am and how little I have to offer. I thought I had found someone for a little while. He made me believe it. And then right after he convinced me he loved me for real, he started pulling away. So now I am back to almost square one. I haven't broken up with him yet. I don't want to be alone and don't want to go through the whole getting to know you process again. So we are dating but I am sure it won't last. I want someone I can spend weekends with, but all he'll give me is one night a week. I guess I'm waiting for the right time... When I'm less busy? When it'll hurt less? I don't know anything other than I have always been afraid to stand up for myself, because when I do, I stand alone.

[sanmagic7]

i loved your mantra about being patient with yourself, especially 'i am ok now, and even if i'm not, i will be soon'.  i want to remember that and use it whenever possible.  thank you for writing that.  it's exactly what i needed today.     big hug!

[movementforthebetter]

Thank you, sanmagic7.

I'm feeling lighter today. Actually able to focus for a bit.

I did my dishes for the first time in 3 weeks. They were mostly not bad but there were some containers I threw out rather than open. I am ashamed of how disgusting I had let my home become. I scrubbed the kitchen well.  Doing dishes is such a strange trigger for me. I think when I couldn't bring myself to wash them it started a major shame spiral. Or was it my depressed, burnt out slump that was the cause. Either way, at least that one thing is done. I will clean my bathroom and sweep, too. Those are both short tasks.

[sanmagic7]

one step at a time, right?  and, we know that every step counts.  good for you for taking those steps.  hugs!

[movementforthebetter]

I'm here without knowing why, tonight. It just feels like I need to be. I don't have a topic in mind.

I've been sick today - bladder infection. On antibiotics. Couldn't work. Got a guilt trip when I called in. But I was sick enough that I slept an additional 6 hours today and the pain and need to pee kept me close to the bathroom when I was up. The big work deadline is this Thursday so I probably can't get everything done. I don't care anymore, either. 2 managers on vacations during the busiest time of year but I'm given guff for being sick.

I put off everything for work. Drs, dentists,  therapy, and vacations. if I end up being called to work across the country that will go on even longer, possibly into the new year. Martyring myself doesn't get me ahead. It just gives me more stress.

I was supposed to make a 5 year plan for therapy but I have been a bit afraid to face it and now I'm supposed to be ready to discuss it tomorrow with my therapist. I guess I'll rough it out here so I'm not at a total loss.

Year 1: set a solid foundation. Get financial help and work out a plan to get out of debt. I've started on this. Reduced a few expenses and will see a financial advisor this weekend.  Am taking driving lessons to have my license before summer ends. Get a car by sometime between Oct. - Jan.

Year 2: hope to be about 1/2-3/4 done paying down debts. Life will continue quietly this year. Take 1 vacation. Maybe Cuba? Only 1 year left of work contract after this year, so need to decide where I want to live. Focus on job skills and self growth. Save for possible move.

Year 3: Contract will be up, so new job plus possible big move. Frankly, that's enough. Would like to find my life partner by the end of this year. Hate dating. Wonder if that will change by then.

Year 4: A year to focus on stability. Work, home, relationships and financial freedom. Retirement (Hahaha?) savings and investing.

Year 5: buy a carefully chosen piece of property somewhere. Might be a condo but might just be land. If things are going really well, start running my own business or work from home.

That's a lot. And I hate committing it to writing because it's so likely to change. But it's a start and a direction to aim in.

[movementforthebetter]

So, plans change, quickly. I had a bank meeting today to apply for a debt consolidation loan. I'll probably be approved which will knock all my high interest debts to zero. But that is a 7 year term. So way outside my 5 year plan. But should give me some breathing room.

To prepare for this I looked at all my expenses and made a budget. I just have to live within it better, now. It's all a part of self-care. Financial health and learning to plan for my future is as important as caring for myself now. It'll take longer than I thought but fingers crossed, I will succeed in being as independent as I can.

[Three Roses]

I will succeed in being as independent as I can.

[sanmagic7]

wow - i'm impressed.  i've never made a plan for anything in the future.  never.  i could never answer that question 'where do you see yourself in 5 yrs?'  i've always simply gone where the wind took me.

love your declaration of independence.  truly beautiful.  you go, bssr!!!   big hug!!!

[movementforthebetter]

Been feeling a lot of "reality" lately. I am trying to honestly observe and describe how I live and how I am. As with abuse, naming all these parts of myself feels like an important part of my journey.

I feel hesitant to say recovery anymore. That word implies that there was a time in my life "before trauma". If there was, it lasted my first two years,  max.

The problem with honesty these days is that so many people, most people, don't want to hear it. They only want positive honesty. Honesty that fits their own narrative. My honesty is honesty that cuts to the heart of the matter. For that reason, I have been told I overstep my bounds or speak out of turn. That I can't possibly know what I'm talking about, even when I do.

This week I've been turning this honesty on myself. To many here it may look like the work of the Critics. But these thoughts are mine.

I don't think I really want to live. It's not that I'm suicidal. But I neglect myself so severely that I can't enjoy life for prolonged periods. And I don't try very hard to make myself a true priority. I neglect my oral health and sometimes hygiene, although I have learned that this is common to children who were sexually abused. I am overweight, floating in and out of obesity, another trait common to those who find no safety in their own skin. I have mediocre to poor time management skills. My short term memory is atrocious. I often wonder if I have ADHD. I fit the symptoms. I am a slob when I am not feeling well, which is most of the time. I am lazy. Because of this I suffer a lot. I self-destruct and second guess so much. I have a temper and can be abusive and manipulative. I get overwhelmed and exhausted easier than most.

So that's the bad as I see it. Next entry will be the good. See if this can work in reverse.

[Wife#2]

MFTB, so much of what you write hits home for me as well.

Yes, we are often shut down when we aren't 'pleasant' or don't limit our expression of our pain. Yours runs so deep and so far back that yes, 'recovery' seems a hollow word. It's closer to restructuring yourself. That is even tougher when you are searching for what is genuine about yourself.

I agree, not all negative statements about self originate from the inner or outer critic. Sometimes, they are just truth. Your truth. My truth.

I understand that statement and why it isn't suicidal ideation. You, like me, have observed the evidence.

I am in a different place right now. My emerging positive outlook might be annoying to you right now. So, I will say only this. I am thankful for this one place where you can go and speak ALL of your truth. And be heard. And be validated for it being your truth as you stand this day. We will continue to be here, listening, caring, understanding.

[movementforthebetter]

TRIGGERS in this post for eating disorders, self harm and emotional abuse.

I still want to do the list of objectively positive things about myself, but I'm not there yet...

I just read that article about childhood trauma at the top of the website...    I had to read it in several chunks and cried a lot. It was both validation and a sucker punch to the gut.

I'm so much sicker that I knew. I've been lying to myself and everyone else. I'm pretending to be an adult, and I can carry out tasks, but I have no capacity to process and cope with the emotions that come up in interactions with others. The article explained clearly what dissociative parts are, and it's the first time I understood it. I feel gutted. I have these parts, I thought they were normal, and now I see they aren't. I feel like healing should be my full-time job because I am so completely overwhelmed by life. And yet somehow I'm carrying on.

I've been alternating between depriving myself of adequate nutrition to binge eating this past few weeks. I come home from work and stay in my bedroom, even eating there, in the dark, as much as possible. I've been picking at my skin. I think about breaking g up with my bf because dating us so triggering.

I cried at work on Friday and it took a couple of hours to calm down. My manager didn't want me gto go home despite our hour long talk. I am also triggered there every single day.

I'm exhausted just writing about it. I realize that this is also a formal of dissociation. But I don't know how to stop it.

[radical]

I just read 'Treating survivors of childhood emotional Abuse and neglect'.  If that is the article, I understand why you might feel overwhelmed. 

I felt similarly to what you describe, along with relief at the understanding the article contained.

You are okay by me MFTB.  I wish I could express that better so you could feel that you are okay, because I absolutely know you are.  I'm coming to feel a lot less afraid of myself, to know that there is nothing there to be afraid of.  I didn't know I was afraid of the contents of my mind, in the way a fish might not be aware of what it means to be wet.  I feel this might be a part of your reaction, forgive me if I'm wrong.

[movementforthebetter]

Read this tonight and it blew my mind:

"As a child I felt myself to be alone, and I am still, because I know things and must hint at things which others apparently know nothing of, and for the most part do not want to know. Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible." ~Carl Jung; Memories Dreams and Reflections; Page 356.

This is exactly how I have felt for at least 20 years. Like I'm from a different planet or living in an alternate universe and I see insanity everywhere but no one else does. Then I am labeled and made to feel crazy for naming it. It's validating to know that one of humanity's greatest thinkers has felt the same way, even though it was surely in regard to different topics.

[movementforthebetter]

It's becoming increasingly clear to me that I will always have horrible anxiety and EFs. This whole situation with work has shown me that I can persevere and increase responsibility, but each "anxiety hurdle" I clear reveals a new challenge that causes me the same sinking, swirling, inner-critic-feeding feelings all over again.

I have faced my fears again and again this year. As I understand myself better, it seems that I am just wired for fear as a prime response. I don't know if that's a circuit in my brain I can short, ever. I spent so many years trying to find a job that wouldn't cause me significant stress. I don't actually think that exists anymore. So with this job, I have been trying to work despite the stress, but that is not working well, either. I face the demons in my head nearly every day and it could likely kill me one day in the form of a heart attack, as it killed my father. Or cancer. Or some other stress-related illness.

When is enough enough? How can I actually stop this cycle? To do so is to basically interrupt my most primal reaction, and years of therapy hasn't worked yet. Will it ever, or am I on a lifelong wild goose chase? Will there ever be "the right breakthrough" or "the right combination of medicines" to make me function without all of my suffering?

The coworker I used to have a crush on has worn out his good will with me. In the final week before the final deadlines are reached at last, he's been missing 3 days in a row. Deadlines hang in the balance based on work he is to provide and he's nowhere to be found. This is a huge part of what stresses me out - having to rely on others and them letting me down. A serious life theme. I'm getting better at seeing the opposite side of the coin, but I flip from being overly-judgemental to overly-accepting and back so easily.  Professional implications are lasting when working relationships fail. He has probably shot his reputation in the foot with most of our team, now.

I suppose I used to be like him. Internally, I feel like I crumble under the slightest pressure, but comparatively, I see that's not actually true. From what I know, my mental illness has always been more severe, than his anxiety. But he is a squeaky wheel who actually said to me last week "I don't want to work so hard." And with all I have suffered through these past few months, I resent him now. I'm suffering through this work environment, too. He's been here 2 years more than me and should have found another job by now, rather than keep missing a week of work every time a big deadline approaches. I realize this is some outer critic talking. But I also believe it's wrong to leave people in a lurch and I haven't done that since I was in my early 20s. He's 30. It's reprehensible in my mind and I doubt I'll ever take him seriously again.

Back to me. In kindness to myself, this awful time is almost over, and it didn't kill me even if it felt like it would or I wanted it to. Both, actually. I know I can't live like this anymore, so the question becomes one of what I will do about it. And so, I am starting again with research for jobs and ways to generate income I thought I had my dream job, but it's not a good dream. So it's time to craft a new one.  I can't remember if I mentioned it here or not but at some point I learned about the emotional journey of learning a new skill. I may have learned that here. The premise being that we feel increasingly frustrated with our skill gaps until we master the new skill.  C-PTSD keeps me in the learning stages for many reasons. My goal is to find something I can master, and perhaps that would break my cycle of frustration enough to give me more confidence in myself.