joyful's journal

[joyful]

:') Thank you Wife2 and Three Roses. Wife2, thank you for seeing those things in me.

The lame thing is, now he pretends like nothing ever happened. Everyone is supposed to go back to normal. And he wonders why I go quiet and withdraw...
At least this time my younger sister is starting to get that this is wrong and not normal. That is a HUGE step. My family seems oblivious. Every one of us is hurting so deeply, but none of us are allowed ot acknowledge it, so it gets buried and festers. I wish I could tell them what I see, that their hurts are valid, that many of the things they are ashamed of are a result of their trauma, not a personality flaw. I wish so much I could tell them. But they are still fully on F's team. (except for sister who seems to be realizing...slowly and quietly...) We can't show him anything but total devotion and respect. Which frankly I don't think he deserves either from us. (argh there goes some guilt...) The thing is if anyone treated him the way he treats us, he would outraged. And rightly so, no one should be treated this way. But he can't see that he's doing it to us. And hurting us so deeply in the process. I hope that one day we can all escape and heal together instead of everyone hating me for "breaking up the family" ... ... ...

[Wife#2]

Of course that's how he's acting. He's punched his emotional reset button. In his world, everything IS back to normal. Now, if any of you try to bring it up, YOU are the ones with the problem, HE's fine!

Consider the cycle like this. There is a boiler in the basement. Over the course of a regular period - like 3-4 months, pressure builds up in the boiler. SOMEONE has to go down there and bleed off the pressure or it will explode all over the house. Nobody wants to, so it ends up falling to whomever can't ignore the problem longer than the rest. That unfortunate soul has to go down there and bleed the pressure. EVERY time someone does that, they get hurt. Somewhere between minor to major steam burns - it never fails. So, you go bleed the steam. You've tried to protect yourself as best you can, but sure enough - steam burn (belittling)! OUCH. <cuss words>.

So, the boiler (Narc Dad) is now fine. Until the next time. The steam has escaped, he's no longer over-pressurized. The fact that you got hurt is honestly NOT connected in his mind. He's as aware as the boiler is. He's happily relieved and functioning JUST fine. You, on the other hand, are not only hurting from this latest damage, you're checking the old scars from times past and dreading the next time - hoping someone else will handle it and feeling guilty because you know handling it means pain.

The worst part is that you don't even have the safety to talk about all the past hurts with family members, because to do so would be 'disloyal'.

Can I tell you something? My brother, sister and I used to stay up nights one summer and talk. We would talk about all kinds of things, but Mom and her 'ways' would often come up. We'd peek over our shoulders to be sure she wasn't listening. We'd laugh and tell stories of things that had happened to each of us (I was youngest, so not taken so seriously, still I was included). We realized the insanity of it all. We knew each others' stories well enough that, in the midst of new things happening, my brother could raise an eyebrow and appear to hide a smirk and sis and I would LOSE it in laughter. That was ALL the validation we needed to know that we were not alone and that the situation was absolutely insane. We might still have to tolerate the situation, but at least we knew it was obviously crazy and we were OK thinking it was crazy.

If this is an option, could you and your sister, who is starting to wake up, slip away for some girl time? Just the two of you. If you feel safe and you sense that she feels safe, do you think you two could talk about it? To know that you sisters have at least ONE ally in the family? To maybe figure out ways to validate each other? A special knock on the bedroom door to say, 'Hey, I saw/heard that - it was wrong - I'm sorry it happened - you are not alone.' Or a knock that says, 'It happened again - I need my sister right now, please.' Something to help you both know that you're not alone. If not, that's understandable. Any negative word about your father could be more disloyalty than either of you can handle right now. That's OK, too. You are both survivors in a situation that is beyond what most people could understand.

Just know we are here for you and want to help you and care about how you are doing.

[joyful]

Thank you Wife2. I want to try doing something like that, but I am afraid of "endangering" her. And frankly me too... But your description of the boiler made a lot of sense to me. I've given up trying to read his mind, it is fully beyond my comprehension.
This weekend was just horror after horror. I can't stay there anymore. I think he truly is sorry, but not sorry enough to change. He doesn't realize that his words may have finally pushed me over the edge and out of his life forever. I don't want to punish him. I don't want to be cruel. I need to stand up for myself and protect my boundary, but he's "sorry" so now I have to forget the awful, awful things that happened. 

[Wife#2]

When do you think you'll be able to break free and get on your own? You're right in that your situation is so much tougher than anything I faced.

No, Joyful, nobody thinks you want to punish him. You simply don't want to be in the line of verbal (or other) fire when he's blasting away. And, you don't want family to hurt either. But, you can't just make it stop, unfortunately.

You don't have to forget. Write it all down here. You may be a world-class actress, though, pretending all is well. I do wish you had more or better options and could make that getaway. 

[joyful]

When do you think you'll be able to break free and get on your own?

Oh...unless I want to just run away and move in with a friend (which isn't ideal, unfortunately)...probably summer or fall... *sigh*
Now he's pretty much giving me the silent treatment    except when he wants to remind me of something he's done for me...........
BUT...this time I'm not going to give in and beg back. I'm not going to go asking for forgiveness so he'll talk to me again. Although, from past experience, if I don't react to silent treatment he just blows up again. No one shall ignore him!  If you don't react to one tactic, he switches. Whatever he has to do to reel you back in.
*another sigh*

[Wife#2]

Ok, Joyful, it's time to work on some coping skills. I highly recommend boundaries and gray rock or medium chill. Pandora's box has already been opened, closing now won't work. BUT, it's also an opportunity for you to begin enforcing a new way he must deal with you. I don't know details, as that is your wisest, safest choice. I hope you can find some way to continue standing up for yourself and also remain safe.

Knowing what you know now, what do you think you can safely do until you can gain your freedom? You can't un-see what you've seen now that your FOG is beginning to lift. But, not being able to move out appropriately until Summer at earliest can make these next few months very difficult. I want to help, but I don't want to suggest anything that would make your life harder, or life for your siblings harder after you do leave.

So, just know we're here, supporting you in whatever you decide is best for your situation. 

[joyful]

Wife2 thank you for your caring and thoughtful responses. it always amazes me how people here, that I really don't know and really don't know me, can be so supportive and caring.
I just got hired for a full time job starting may 1. So that will get me out of the house for a significant portion of the day, Then I will also be able to afford moving out without much help. the less help they give me, the less things they can hold over my head. That is what drives me the craziest. Remember all these things we did for you? And you treat us like this? Standing up for myself isn't something I should be shamed for, I'm almost positive i'm not doing anything THAT wrong...
I feel like I'm at that place where I'm starting to grieve my childhood. The realizations are starting to sink in. My dad loves me inasmuch as he can control me and I fulfill HIS needs, make him look good etc. he does things for us to make himself look better, to keep up the "perfect family" facade. ugh. it's a very slow and tentative grieving. Sometimes it will hit me and I'll get sad for a minute, but i don't let myself be down for too long. Even with  these realizations I still doubt myself. Maybe it isn't that bad. Maybe I provoked it. Usually when these thoughts creep in i slap myself upside the head (figuratively), but sometimes...I still sometimes believe it.
I had something I was going to say here, but I got distracted and forgot what it was...

[Wife#2]

Joyful,

You're right to worry that their help is to keep strings on you. Strings of obligation and debt to them. The more you can refuse their help, the better for you in the long run. If the help was given (key word GIVEN) out of parental love and concern, you'd never hear about it again. Otherwise, it's a loan, and payment WITH INTEREST will be expected. If not in money, then in time, dedication, 'loyalty' - I hate that, its misused by so many abusers, or whatever else the parent wants at the moment they want it from you.

Congratulations on getting the upcoming job! HURRAY, JOYFUL!

[joyful]

it's a loan, and payment WITH INTEREST will be expected. If not in money, then in time, dedication, 'loyalty'

Oh my gosh yes. I hate it too.
The extra hard thing is even when I refuse, they at least OFFERED... I'm indebted that they THOUGHT about me. Not to mention all the years they fed me, clothed me, drove me to school, paid for school...PAYBACK IS EXPECTED FOR EVERYTHING THEY'VE EVER DONE FOR ME!!!!!
I get guilted for having my own opinion, standing up for myself with "look at all the things we've always done for you, and this is how you treat us?" oh my gosh. i just got surprisingly angry at that...  I'm pretty sure that I should not be indebted to my parents for FEEDING ME. I get that a degree of respect is earned because they did bring me into the world and keep me alive, but respect and ... I don't even know the word...subjugation? Obliteration of self? ugh... Because they made sure I survived and was clothed, I've given up my right to my own life and owe my entire life to them?!?!? Pretty sure that's not how it's supposed to work, but what do I know? Wow, i don't get "angry" very much, fight response has been extinguished out of me... but I'm like exploding right now. And that's ok right? Un-extinguishing my fight response? In a hopefully healthy way?

[Three Roses]

Yup, it's okay to feel what you feel, and to know what you know. It's the only way you can deal with it all. How can you change what you don't or won't see?

[joyful]

Well I feel a little calmer today. Not exploding with anger anymore...
Yesterday I did something that was kinda cool. I've been doing a lot of journaling recently, but instead of just dumping everything (like I do here lol) I've been using different prompts to kinda guide my writing and it helps a lot. Thinking in certain directions (or in any direction!) is a good change.
So last night the prompt I was working on one that said to write your story in third person. I didn't expect it to be so helpful or meaningful, but it really was. Somehow using "she" instead of "I"  I was able to grieve more. it's hard to write about yourself without minimizing or dissociating or telling yourself to "stop feeling sorry for yourself". Even though feeling sorry and being sad for yourself are so essential, our inner critics often don't let us. Writing my story although it happened to someone else, I could step back and realize wow, that's so sad. That's so sad that someone had to go through that. Then I bring myself back and realize that it was me.
I haven't finished it yet, but it was very cleansing. I'm trying to decide if I want to post it in here once it's done... inner critic is saying no, but we'll see what happens.

[joyful]

So yesterday I was at church. I've spoken to my religious leader about the garbage  in my home. He was understnding and sympathetic and wants to help. except...he contacted the religious leader that is over my parents who then contacted my mom.  I was pretty worried and concerned. I know they mean well and are trying to protect me and my siblings, but calling F on his abuse is going to put all of us in danger, without a doubt. So i talked to my leader later and asked him to tell the other guy to NOT talk to my dad about ANYTHING. My mom can and will keep it a secret that it was mentioned to her. But yesterday I was having SOOOO much anxiety that they were going to talk to F and that life would get a million times worse for me because I "told". It was terrifying. But I got home and nothing was wrong, no one talked to my dad, giant sigh of relief. i don't know, I realized that maybe I need to be more careful and specify to people to NOT get involved. I know they want to help, but "helping" is only gonna cause more pain. The real way to help is give my siblings (and me i guess) legit reasons to be out of the house more often. In a way that it's not obvious that's what they're doing. i don't know, I'll probably just stop now

[Wife#2]

Oh, Joyful.    Sadly, if you don't want things getting back to your father, you really may have to keep this inside for now. There are so many 'mandatory reporting' laws now that if someone suspects strongly that abuse has happened, they MUST report. I'm so sorry this is your reality.

I wish I had answers, proper, legal and safe answers! For now, all I can do is say I care and I hope this works to YOUR best safety. 

[Blueberry]

Joyful, I've just been reading your journal and I'm so sorry about what has all happened to you, and that you are still living in the thick of it.
When I was reading about the spine-measuring and your feelings about it, of course your F's behaviour wasn't at all appropriate. Sounds like SA to me.
Just wanted to say that. And that I can relate. I'm still pretty enmeshed myself so don't feel I can really help you the way wife#2 and 3Roses are.

[joyful]

Wife2--
That probably is smartest and safest for now. It's hard, and not cuz I want revenge or anything, I just want people to understand me and why I am the way I am. i don't know.. I really should put a lid on it, at least irl... I'm super grateful to be able to come and let off steam here though! especially when people really understand

Blueberry--
Thank you for your support  it really means so much to be heard and understood. I'm sorry that you are still enmeshed also it is such a battle.
As far as SA goes, other things have happened too. I just don't know if it was him too. I only have small fragments of memories. Maybe some day I'll get them out here, but i'm not strong enough yet.

Anyway, thank you both for reading and for your support