Through the Looking Glass to Trigger Town: mftb's Recovery Journal V.1.0

[Three Roses]

Feeling like there's some secret way to interact with people so that they will engage, but I never learned it.

That hits home for me. I told my therapist once that I felt like everyone else had a secret code or a secret handshake, or something, that allowed them to fit in easily but that I didn't know.

[movementforthebetter]

I've been living lean. I'm completely paycheck to paycheck since I moved out on my own. I eat oatmeal every day for breakfast as that's all I can afford. I like oatmeal though, so that's ok. I have just enough food and bus fare to make it to payday. Then I will try to make a dent in my debts. I can't seem to get my head above water though. I'm trying to be comfortable with that. I just got benefits so this burden may ease soon. It has been a hard winter, and it's snowing again, meaning getting to work is in question, and if I can't go, I can't get paid. Because I've been living so lean I've lost about 4" of fat. That's been nice - I could stand to lose another 4" easily, too. I've had to poke two new belt buckle holes and my tight pants fit nicer now.

I've been working on accepting who I am and that I will never be what society sees as acceptable. I have been trying to find ways to explore this, and have been reaching out to new people in communities I may wish to join. I have been asking questions. I plan to meet these women, which has my anxiety revved up but I think I will be ok. It's a few weeks away, anyway.

I have found unexpected allies but was also badly hurt by a judgemental hyppocrite this week. He was a new friend, and I foolishly let myself get close quickly. I had made myself vulnerable to him, told him my fears and about my cancer scare, and then was callously dismissed, as though I were worth less as a person than someone without my struggles. I was so angry. I held him to account and unloaded on him, called out his biases and ignorance, walked away angry and dissapointed. And cried and cried and cried all night and was seething angry the next day. So much so a coworker asked if I was ok and needed to talk. There's more to this story but here is not the place it will be written.

I was also in a severe mood swing at the time due to horrible pms. I had been depressed and flu-like for days before I finally lost it. I hope that all that meant was that I did not hold back my feelings where I previously would have. I hope my feelings would have been the same had I been feeling normal. That I am finally standing up for myself again. But I worry my strong reaction is only seen as evidence I am crazy. At least, that seems to be how 9 out of 10 men see these situations. If only they had a literal bloody clue. I hope other women would get where I'm coming from.

And yet, my whole life I have been made to feel that my emotions are too much, unacceptable, extreme and fake. It's so hard to not think of those past criticisms in this falling out.

That colossal failure at friend-making turned out to be good. I enforced boundaries when I was close to letting them slide. It was not graceful at all but I am trying to not care. And I think the coworker who asked about me may have potential to be a close friend, unexpectedly. Time will tell. He asked what was going on, and I told him about it - more guarded than with the first person, but still honest and more vulnerable than I have been with a coworker, especially a male one. He and I turn out to have a fair bit in common and I look forward to getting to know him better as time wears on.

That night after talking to him, I dreamt that I let all my masks fall away. I spoke openly about my struggles with anxiety, depression, cptsd and my history of abuse. I felt no shame in who I was, and if anyone had a problem with me they were free to leave. I was finally living for myself and not others. I have never had a dream that powerful and hopeful before.

[radical]

What an amazing dream, MFTB, and it sounds like it is something you have been making great progress in real-ising. 
I have a big task in holding to my truth and my boundaries tomorrow, and your post has made me feel a little stronger.  What you speak of, is to me, the ultimate prize.  I've had a few experiences recently of deeply feeling that who I am is okay - separate from all the external, superficial  b*&^^it about what is prized and what is disdained, and that experience keeps me going.  I don't want to bow down at the feet of the feet of another to be granted acceptance.  That's a contradiction in terms. 
There is a solidity in genuine acceptance.  Authenticity makes real relationships possible.

[movementforthebetter]

I am still fending off my second-guesses and my desire to fawn back to the guy I had the falling out with. But haven't caved. I know it's better that I cut him out when I did.

Those moments of self-acceptance have been rare enough that I think I can count them on one hand. But what a dream and feeling to cherish and strive for. I can't truly let it all hang out totally - there are serious stigmas attached to some components of my identity. However, I can probably relax more now. I am in a safe place in life and can manage my risks so that I can be my true self around the people that matter.

How did it go for you, Radical? I hope you are still feeling strong.

[radical]

Yeah, stigma.  All too real.  I find it hard when I feel bitter about it, but my experiences of being stigmatised have taken their toll, and I don't have the hide of a rhino. 

My day was "real-ising"  I feel solid in myself, and calm right now.  Though the reaction was validating, I was sure I would be okay if it wasn't, so it feels like an added bonus.  I think this feeling evolves over many small steps that can be almost imperceptible, the things we don't do or say, the sudden small responses that are true.  A lot of letting go, and feeling it, but knowing the inegrity is worth it.

Like you say, something to strive for.  I hope you have a good day tomorrow.  That urge to fawn can be powerful, but it is great to be aware enough to be able to make a conscious decision, rather than just blindly reacting.

I feel I want to send you a hug if that's okay with you.

[movementforthebetter]

Hugs always welcome!

[movementforthebetter]

Today was so hard. A different kind of hard. The coworker I was getting close to missed a day of work last week right after I opened up to him, and came back the next day looking like he'd just been crying.

I tried to ask what was up but he didn't want to talk and I tried to give him space. But when I left yesterday it looked like he was crying at his desk. So today I asked him what was up at lunch, and he started crying right in the lunch room. I feel awful for not minding my own business now. I was worried about him and the worry was distracting me. I think this was selfish on my part - to put my need to know above his well-being. I couldn't have predicted this, though.

He said it's anxiety and relationship stuff and he's afraid to lose what he has and it's all stuff he needs to work on. I was worried it was related to things we had talked about, but he said it's not. I regret trying to get closer to him. I had no idea his relationship was on the rocks. I told him I am there for him if he needs anything, then left him alone. I also sent him a fb message mentioning my struggles with anxiety and panic attacks and depression and therapy so he'd know he's not alone. But yeah, I feel like I accidentally toppled a house of cards. And all of this after I was so happy to feel what I thought was deep connection and friendship with him. Ugh.

[radical]

I've experienced a feeling of betrayal when I've felt a connection with someone, but then found that they needed something from me.  Not that it means that there was no connection, but it puts it in a different light, how they behaved, the feeling of seeing and being seen, it can feel like there was an ulterior motive, especially if you come to feel that you were being more up-front than they were.  I guess time will tell, but if you are feeling a bit like this, I understand.

You know you didn't cause this house of cards to fall, that he most likely spoke to you  the way he did because it was already falling.  The problem with connecting as the deck is strewn all over the place is that when it's gathered together again, very often, (in my experience), the connection can be unceremoniously dissconnected, which can cause an even greater feeling of betrayal, and can mean it is wise to keep an emotional distance, while being supportive.

It sounds like you handled a tough situation really well, and I believe your feelings are healthy, if painful.  I'm sorry you've been hurt and disappointed by this.

[movementforthebetter]

It seems like life is complicated because I am complicated. I'm trying to process what happened with my coworker. It's still bugging me. For what it's worth, he seemed like he was keeping it together better today. And I left him alone. Only one work-related question, and I said bye to him. I'm afraid to talk to him now.

I am attracted to him, but he's younger and in a relationship and I have the whole me thing, so I contented myself with the thought that maybe we could be friends. I now feel majorly confused but maybe that's me being willfully blind.

He added me on Facebook about a month ago . He and I talked at work a couple weeks ago and he was really open and gregarious with me - talked about his beliefs and struggles. We share political and social views. We get along well. He hinted at some personal stuff that got me curious, so last week I emailed him to ask what he meant. It turned out that he meant basically what I thought he did. We both share something in our private lifestyle that is not socially acceptable to most people and would not be cool to talk about at work. I almost certainly shouldn't have, but I crossed the coworker boundary and told him some very personal stuff, because I was so happy to have something significant in common with someone. I said I hoped I hadn't made him uncomfortable, and he said no, he'd tell me if he was uncomfortable. We chatted about it online very briefly, had some good laughs. We touched on relationships - he knows I left my ex and has been supportive, saying it's good I'm taking care of myself. I've been really open about it at work - no sense in hiding such a big life change. I complained about how hard it will be to ever meet a guy on my wavelength, and he told me he was having relationship problems but he was working on them. (one line only with no details.) He told me he really enjoyed talking with me and that we would talk again soon.

Then he missed the next day at work, and came back the day after a total wreck. Then the weekend, and still a total wreck Monday and Tuesday.

When I talked to him yesterday, I started by telling him that if I had said anything that made things weird, I truly regretted it. I felt that I had been inappropriate and was sorry, but also that now I'm really worried about him and that if he needs to talk, he can talk to me. I also mentioned our counselling benefit if he needed more. He started crying, said he is seeing a counsellor, he's on meds, he's attending a seminar (of some sort, i dunno) and that what's going on doesn't have to do with me. That he's anxious and he's afraid to lose everything and that it's all stuff he has to work on. That he's sorry but he can't reciprocate.

I don't know what to make of that. On one hand, he was clear it has nothing to do with me, but on the other he can't reciprocate? Reciprocate what? Sharing details? Friendship? Something else? Ugh!

I am having a lot of negative rumination about this. I missed some things that should have stood out to me. He uses a lot of therapy language. Whatever is going on in his life, he's taking all the responsibility so either he did something to screw up his relationship, or he is extremely down on himself, publicly. Neither of those things have anything to do with me, so this shouldn't really bother me, but they are red or yellow flags.

But then in the midst of his pain, I just had to talk to him, show my support, and he had to absolve me of wrongdoing. I can't help but think how that's so incredibly selfish of me. Why didn't I mind my own business? Because I saw a friend clearly in anguish, and I tried to help as best I could. And then I made things worse. The words "emotional incest" crossed my mind but this isn't exactly the right context for them.


I caused him pain at work and I feel really gross about it. I've been trying to honour myself and my feelings lately, to trust myself, but I did so at the expense of another. I was so eager for connection I think I caused drama. And maybe that's all I do - follow feelings into trouble. 

It sounds like harsh self-talk, but I think it's a point that bears serious consideration. For all the compassion I think I have, I'm starting to think it's not very selfless. I never leave well enough alone. I hope I didn't ruin a budding friendship by being pushy, and I hope he's ok.

And on top of this I have really opened up about who I am on a deep level and have been left hanging. I just have to trust that the fact I was able to be that vulnerable, even if misguided, is a good sign.

[movementforthebetter]

Today I woke up with a mixture of anger and sadness. I do feel somewhat betrayed - twice in 2 weeks I've been vulnerable and twice dismissed. I think I'm grieving a bit. I don't even know what I'm grieving.

I'm mad he brought his messy emotional state to work for everyone else to have to bear. I can't turn off my empathy and pretend suffering isn't there. I can't live with myself ignoring it. And I can't help but see how I slipped so easily into the role of emotional caregiver. How men get that from me without even asking.

I think it's triggered me back to being my M's emotional caregiver. That's heavy to deal with at work and I would l would have distanced myself sooner if I had seen where this was going. And still I'm trying to not make his pain about me, and that's where the sadness comes in. I am still so wounded that I can't give of myself without expecting to be recognized for it. And I can't seem to engage without stepping on an emotional landmine.

:lightbulb: that's why emotional incest was on my mind yesterday. And my work calls itself a family, too.

I've been trying to dissolve it with music but it's not working yet. I'm glad my coworker is away next week. I'll miss him and I don't want to look at him at the same time. And when he gets back we have a project together so will see a lot of eachother.

And still this need to be seen and connect with others. I feel mixed emotions about the whole nature of the human condition.

I need to dance this darkness out of me. It's a long weekend coming up here so I think I'll try to be brave and take myself out to a club. I don't know anyone to go with, ironically, except my coworker, who is more in that scene than me.

I saw a funny true cartoon about mental illness.
Anxiety is torturing me with perceived and feared judgements, so the mindfull part of me says "No one is thinking of you." and that's when depression chimes in "Ever." That's not what I meant, brain!

Time for work.

[radical]

I'm sorry I misread the situation.  I try not to project my feelings and experiences onto others, but failed.

I relate (entirely from my own point of view and experiences) to being confused about sharing and connecting, with having difficulty with both over-sharing and under-sharing, feeling unable to gauge, time, monitor and discern.  But I feel that a part, (it may be a small part of the problem), is that because I've had these problems, I've spent a lot of time talking in therapy talking and thinking and reading about feelings, experiences, things most people hold behind a closed door in themselves, which often seems to make me more open about things most people aren't open about, yet I'm reserved, and unsure about everyday things.  And people open up to me and find me receptive.  I'm so grateful to find someone who seems to be open, but find they are more 'ajar' than open, and I've gone and shared way too much of myself and left myself too vulnerable.  Speaking entirely about myself here, but you may be able to relate to some of it.

I also think that this struggle is tough and we are often way too hard on ourselves.  I can't see any way of changing that doesn't involve making mistakes, feeling confused, hitting those landmines, struggling to get back up again, dusting off the debris, and returning to the fray, despite not having found those clear answers that may not even exist. 

I admire your courage.  Love the idea of dancing out the darkness.
to you

[movementforthebetter]

I relate (entirely from my own point of view and experiences) to being confused about sharing and connecting, with having difficulty with both over-sharing and under-sharing, feeling unable to gauge, time, monitor and discern.  But I feel that a part, (it may be a small part of the problem), is that because I've had these problems, I've spent a lot of time talking in therapy talking and thinking and reading about feelings, experiences, things most people hold behind a closed door in themselves, which often seems to make me more open about things most people aren't open about, yet I'm reserved, and unsure about everyday things.  And people open up to me and find me receptive.  I'm so grateful to find someone who seems to be open, but find they are more 'ajar' than open, and I've gone and shared way too much of myself and left myself too vulnerable.  Speaking entirely about myself here, but you may be able to relate to some of it.
I also think that this struggle is tough and we are often way too hard on ourselves.

100% agreed. I eventually rounded the corner today. I am being hard on myself. Part of me sees that as my job, still. I do misread situations a lot, but I don'tbthink I was wrong about there being some connection on at least a friend level. But timing is awful for him for even friendship, I suppose. I think I'm seeing things with better perspective now.

He seemed a lot better today, too. I was on my way out to go work right as he walked in so we had a face-to-face greeting. I remain somewhat puzzled. I just have to accept that not everything will make sense for my benefit, and I don't get to be friends with everyone just because I think we'd be good friends.

This week has been pretty emotionally overwhelming. I have yet another thing to write about soon.

[movementforthebetter]

The other thing that happened today is that my M sent me a laptop. I knew something was coming. She asked for both my home address and my work address. She said the thing she was sending was big, but not too big to carry home.

She sent it to my work. I was out on the floor all morning and when I got upstairs it was waiting for me on the desk. I was totally surprised. I thought she was sending flowers or chocolates - not something as extravagant as a laptop.

I don't have my own computer right now and I don't even have a tv. I have been accessing internet from my phone. So this laptop is a dearly welcome tool in my home. I can transfer & edit photos again, which I hadn't even shot since I moved, since I had no way to  manage them. I can watch movies. I can skype. I can access all of  my music which has been on a hard drive since I moved. I only had access to my cds up til now.

It's really overwhelming to me. I am so grateful, but also upset... Which would normally make me feel like a bad person, but I understand this now. I would only look ungrateful to the outside world.

Don't get me wrong, this is an incredibly thoughtful gift, and I accept it and will make good use of it. But my M was my main abuser. She's also the reason I never told anyone about my sexual abuse.

I have struggled to break away from her, moving further and further, and limiting communications significantly. I've been struggling, but doing things on my own. Every now and then she does something extravagant, even though I don't want her to. I guess that's hoovering.

A gift this nice has an undercurrent to it that I don't like. I can't refuse or return it. It came to my work and half my coworkers saw me open it and then I got the chorus of "wow, nice mom"s, etc. She looks like super mom to them. And gifts like this, no matter how nice, for me they don't make up for the years I will never get back from living in fear. Or the years of depression, cptsd and therapy.

I almost started crying at work, I was so overwhelmed. My previously crying coworker was behind me, too. Lol, what a crew. I'm glad I held it in. They would have looked like tears of joy to others. But to me any nice gifts always bring up this tornado of emotions that quickly engulf me. Gratitude, yes. But sorrow, anger, regret and resentment, too. And here is the only place where I know others get that.

All I ever wanted from her was acknowledgement of my abuse. Even just "I'm sorry you suffered" even if she can't own it herself. But she has never acknowledged the reasons behind my pain and never will, even after I confeonted her. She is incapable of acknowledging the truth. The only thing I feel I need to really leave the past behind me is the one thing I will never get. And every gift reminds me of that.

I was listening to Shearwater's album Jet Plane and Oxbow again yesterday. It's such a deep album, and one lyric on particular jumped out at me on this listen:

Forgive them when you lay the gun down, only child
It's not surrendering.

Can I find it in myself to forgive when there is no acknowledgement of my reality? Should I even try? Am I capable of being the person I think I should bd, and moving home to love someone who doesn't understand me at all? These are the questions that lie deep inside and again I don't know of I will ever live to see them resolved.

Crying a little now. This stuff is so hard to bring up, to this day.

[Wife#2]

I completely understand what you mean, MFTB. Gifts with strings. And public displays of 'How Grand Am I?' That put you on the spot.

It's like giving a fine bottle of whiskey to the alcoholic who just celebrated 2 years of sobriety. Sure, things seem better under control AND a fine bottle of whiskey WOULD be a nice gift to someone who can enjoy it properly, but what does THAT gift say about the giver? How unaware of the impact - or worse, aware but unwilling to acknowledge!

We, my siblings and I, used to laugh sardonically and darkly that our mother said she loved us, but the words were empty. The hugs meaningless - she also hugged her poodle and her cats. The gifts were worse. Always bad gifts. When she was married to Dad, she did well. I guess small children were easy - any toy would do when the box was as big of a hit as they toy inside. But, how do you open a gift, read the card and realize that NO thought of the impact went into the gift? How do you smile at those around you with tears at the edges of your eyes? How do you swallow that tornado of emotion to 'perform' as expected?

Sure, you need and can use the laptop. But, I wonder some things. Was sending it to work her way of ensuring you'd actually open it? Was she expecting to hear about how your coworkers thought she was wonderful for such a big gift? Was her real motivation to 'take away' the excuses for low contact that you've used? If you're using the tool SHE provided, don't you now 'OWE' her Skype calls, updated photos and many, many thanks? Slick. I have to say. She is slick. In one gift, she got to be the hero, provider and debtor. Wow.

It's so sad that we have to think in these terms. Those * strings. They look like gossamer, but they're made so strongly not even diamonds can cut them.

And that gift, that 'kind, thoughtful, useful' gift is supposed to be the PROOF she LOVES you. She may even actually love you in the only way she knows how. It would have been a love gift if the card enclosed had read, 'I expect nothing in return, darling. Enjoy.'

Here is a totally radical thought. We're all so good at pretending - pretending not to hurt when we could scream with the agony, pretending to be appreciated when we know we're not. How about PRETEND you got that card enclosed? Thank her, of course, because that is the only decent thing to do - as a reflection of YOUR values. Then, act as if she HAD said she expects nothing.

If she brings up the gift, ask her, 'Oh, was I obligated when I received it? I wasn't aware.'

OK - that last part may be dreaming, but doesn't it feel just a little daring and bring just a little smile to even THINK of saying that?

[movementforthebetter]

Twice I've tried to write a followup post only to lose it. So I'll try to just post a short one this time.

My coworker got back to me on Friday and said some amazing things to me. Like really sincere, thoughtful things. The kinds of things I always wanted to hear, and I wasn't fishing for them or dropping hints, unlike with every other man I've talked to. He said he sees me. Now I'm crushing on him and wish I wasn't due to whatever is going on in his life. He's gone this week and it's good.

I successfully went dancing by myself!!! I was so anxious it threw my eating off for 24 hours into junkfood land. But it was an alt club (reccommended by the coworker) and very welcoming and good-times oriented. I managed to clear my head for about a third of the time I was there. I would go back and discovered I know someone else that knows the club so might not have to go alone next time. I'm proud of myself that I did this for myself.

Today I got another package from my mom at work. It was a suitcase. W.t.f.