Through the Looking Glass to Trigger Town: mftb's Recovery Journal V.1.0

[movementforthebetter]

Physical/Sexual Abuse
M for violence

F for violence. Possible sexual abuse? Did leave porn where I could find it. Was there more to it than that? Probably best not to know.

Babysitter when I was a kid molested me. She was old enough to know better. I realize now she was acting out her own abuse on me and my B. Have not EMDR'd this yet but might next session.

R punching a hole in the wall and rhen coercing me into sex. Ugh.

D performing unwanted sex acts on me without consent and my explicit unwillingness beforehand. Exponentially worse ugh.

Random road rage incident with a huge man screaming obscenities inches from my face while two men, one of them my bf, did nothing to intervene. I was in shell shock and literally scared to death. I thought he was going to beat me in the street. It was gender violence. He kept screaming @&$! in my face to really drive it home. I doubt it would have happened like that to a man.

[movementforthebetter]

Emotional Abuse
M was abusive almost every day.

SM could be abusive when getting on her holier than thou soapbox.

Most of my bfs were emotionally abusive, including my current one. There were 3 I can say were not, and I am glad for them. None of the non-abusive ones lasted long.

At least two bosses and some coworkers.

I have been emotionally abusive at times. I am ashamed of this now that I realize my actions were abusive.

[movementforthebetter]

Helplessness/Learned Helplessness
M 

Some bfs

Some coworkers 

Me sometimes.

[movementforthebetter]

Fear of Failure/Perfectionism
M and SM

Judgement
M, SM, F and SF.

Loss of Control/Powerlessness
M forced me to move schools, threatened to cut off my extracurricular activities (The only thing I cared about at the time), gave no support when I chose my major & predicted my failure, took credit for my creativity.

R stole my dream from me and developed it for his sole benefit.

J questioned the worth of my passions and disability plunged us into poverty.

[movementforthebetter]

Low Self Worth
All FOO

Boyfriends

Me (self talk, intrusive thoughts)

Guilt (Over Placing My Needs First)
M

SM

Boyfriends

Scarcity/ Fear of Poverty
M

F/SM

J & B

Me (past poor choices)

Shame/ Fear of Inadequacy
All FOO

R, J, & most BFs

[movementforthebetter]

One of the things I hope therapy will resolve is my reaction to unexpected loud sounds. My heart races, chest tightens, sometimes I blink or cringe uncontrollably. The other morning I heard aggressive yelling outside and right away my throat closed up, jaw clenched, muscles tensed and I was anxious and afraid. At the same time I felt compelled to go outside. I wanted to make it stop and see if people were ok. This feeling is what I imagine toxiplasmosis to be like... Being clearly unwell yet wanting to put myself in harm's way.

[movementforthebetter]

Just posting about my situation with my friends on the friends board has sent me into a tailspin. But I see it, so I think I can interrupt it. Posting about it now to remind myself that I am strong enough to handle myself with care.

Man, typing that made me cry, though. Even in my positive moments there is a lot of pain. I'm just trying to let it be and let me be.

I got up early and did yoga and physio again. I was having resurgences of knee pain without all the excercise. Walking alone isn't enough for me.

I called to follow up in a job I applied for recently. I went straight to voicemail so just left a message, but at least I made the effort, and the ball is out of my court again.

I am learning new life skills. I have to expect a few more weeks of hard adjusting, I think. But I am at least figuring out my ideal routine.

EMDR will really pick up starting tomorrow. I am a bit scared. I am also hopeful. Last session was so dramatic and I didn't think I even HAD strong feelings about the incident we addressed.

I have EMDR probably into next month. I have the caged tiger feeling. I am pacing within my life, desperate to get out. In the meantime I have been making progress. Looking for work, reaching out to friends, taking care of my health. I am doing the best I can and it's probably worth more in the long run than I think.

[movementforthebetter]

Today was a good day!

I learned about object constancy. I think this might be an actually life-changing piece of knowledge. The idea that my very ability to trust and trust in love and affection had never been able to develop properly because of the chaos at home makes so much sense. And now I understand the actual root problem of my "neediness". As suggested in a thread on this topic, there are a few ways I can address it. I can find people I can reach out to who won't judge but will reliably respond. That sounds pretty hard given how busy everyone's life is. I can keep mementos or photos to remind me of closeness. I can ask people to write a short note or a card about me that I can refer to. The mementos or photos sound the most realistic of those options. I will see if I can find any others, too.

Had my 2nd EMDR therapy today and it was a fairly calm session and I left feeling good after it. I think it was less intense for several reasons. 1 being that the issue was a "less severe" one. 2 being that I had been through the first session and knew what to expect. 3 being that I had already "uncorked" my feelings and didn't die, so I was more confident in my ability to witness my reactions to the memories.

I feel like the pieces of me I always thought were broken are starting to fit together in a new way that's starting to look whole. I know there will be setbacks but it was nice to have today to know what is possible.

I felt grateful for my journey today for the first time. That might actually be a really big deal. Forgot to mention it to my T, will do so tomorrow.

I talked with a friend tonight, and will talk with another tomorrow. I can't deny that this path would be a lot harder than it is without them. Another thing to be grateful for.

[movementforthebetter]

I just enforced a boundary! I told an acquaintance friend for the third and final time to stop asking me about her MLM company. I have struggled to the point of pain in the past but this time I took the time to write a thoughtful reply, inviting her to see us and reinforcing that I appreciate her thinking of me. I told her I was not interested in the mlm as I said before, but that I was looking firward to the next time I saw her.

It was awkward because she also invited another friend in the same email, so I worried about potentially upsetting more than one person. But ultimately I was totally cordial and considerate. At this point she is being inconsiderate, and if she asks again I will ignore it. Anything other tgan how I respond is beyond my control.

[Three Roses]

 

[movementforthebetter]

Time to write about EMDR session 3. It was hard to get to this one for some reason. It was harder to participate in, too. Having sessions two days in a row is a lot to sift through. I both felt like I had less to feel about this target, but also that I was having a harder time getting in touch with my feelings.

The target was me being parentified after my dad left us. I felt sadness, grief and fear, mainly. But I also felt more distant from the memory this time. The situation itself was so complex that focusing on the feelings of just part of that day is difficult. It was chaos from morning to night. I was able to see clearly that I was abandoned by 3 seperate adults that day, that everyone including myself was afraid, and that it was totally wrong to say to me that I should look after my mom and not let her cry anymore. I was a child in pain and totally ignored and minimized. It was harder to connect to body sensations. I have felt a lot of self blame around events that day, as if as a child I could have influenced anything that happened. I felt myself slipping a lot and trying to pull in present logic to the memory. I'm not sure if that was avoidance or dissociation. I don't think I have fully reprocessed this target yet, so will likely have to do more next session.

This target is one of the things I see as a core trauma so it probably makes sense that it's more difficult to reprocess. The night after the srssion it occured to me that it's possible the plans I am making for my future are actually me fulfilling my role in the cycle of abuse. That was upsetting to think. I don't think I can over-analyze it though. I am doing what I think is right. I don't know what else I could do. (I could go elsewhere than home, but if I did, could I respect and love myself for it?) Still struggling with what is healthy self interest and what is not.

[movementforthebetter]

TRIGGER WARNING for this post on self harm. This post talks about self harm behaviours but is more about exploring the motivation for the behaviour than the result or the behaviour itself.

I have picked at my skin since I was about 16 and I started noticing things to pick at. Prior to that I used to bite my nails badly. I still do that if I break one, or have a hangnail. But I have cut down a lot. Skin picking is another matter. I definitely learned this behaviour from my M, who picked at her own skin and also mine. I continued it on my own as I grew up. This last 2 years it has really escalated, and I am trying to stop doing it but I am not having much success so far.

I do it when I am stressed. I do it to release the stress. It has become disruptive in my life. I would try to hide it but still do it at work, making like I was scratching an itch but really picking at a blemish. I do it to any part of my body I can reach and any time my mind is not fully occupied and turns to anxiety.

Even writing about it fills me with anxiety and I feel compelled to pick. And more upsetting, I noticed today that I felt compelled to do it in response to kind words from a friend. Why?!? What about kindness makes me turn on myself? It's like my mother posesses my body and makes sure I know I am unworthy of love for myself from anyone, and my fingers make sure that is a visible message. But it's not her anymore. It's me. I am the one doing this and I am the one that needs to own it and stop it.

I have red spots, scabs and scars all over my body. I told a psychiatrist and group in therapy about this approx. 15 years ago and the Dr. flatly dismissed me, saying it wasn't self harm and was not at all comperable to other forms of self injury. To be honest I think being dismissed has made it wore in the long run. My current T is less judgemental and asked questions but didn't offer an opinion.

My M has significant scarring visible on her face. I am worried that as I age I will totally ruin the visible parts of my body, to say nothing of the areas I normally keep covered. I try to hide the picking but have stopped hiding it in front of my bf. I want to stop and have tried to sub in other healthier behaviours like manicuring or massaging but my mind has not made the switch yet.

I will talk to my T about the negative reaction to kindness and love. I suspect it's a part of my core concept of self worth that hasn't been resolved yet. I know it's not healthy and yet I still can't stop. But now it's out in the open, so hopefully I can move on soon.

[Three Roses]

You're very courageous to talk about this. As a recovering nail biter and skin picker, I totally recognize it as sh and I'm sorry you were invalidated about it. Maybe they were just thinking you were trimming your nails with your teeth, but you and I know it's more than that.

I also can relate to your anxiety increasing at a kind word. For me, it feels like, "What do they want, will they want to get closer? How do I act here, what's the acceptable thing to say?"

I was actually reading about healthy alternatives to self harm today, and liked one about drawing on yourself. Someone else here suggested holding ice cubes in your hand. (I tried to give you a link but the forum won't use the words in the title.)

Keep posting, you're with people here who understand. 

[movementforthebetter]

Thanks for your kind words, Three Roses. I've been making a lot of efforts since last week to be in touch with friends and to let them know as much of my story as I can. The responses have all been kind. I am so lucky to have them. Part of me believes I don't deserve them and that's the part that compells me to pick. That part of me is also the part that compells me to self destruct in other ways and it lies so convincingly that I used to believe it all the time. I don't believe it all the time anymore, but I don't know if I'll ever totally shake it. But I've nurtured these friendships over years and I know I have so much love to give. I just need to learn to accept it, too.

I also think I may have been in an EF since last week's EMDR session. That hasn't helped.

I think I'll expand on this in a more general post about hiding pain. I suspect others may be able to identify inone way or another.

[Danaus plexippus]

My mother and I found working in clay helped. Clay feels like skin. Scraping away all the imperfections from a work in clay relieved my urges to pick. My mother also made sure we both always had a piece of silly putty with us at all times.

https://youtu.be/ieSBwEzbe-s