arpy's new journal

[arpy1]

i have been trying to work up the courage to begin again here, and today i have decided to just make a start even if it's just a little one.

today i got the news of the death of a very dear friend i had in the JP. not unexpected (she had cancer) but i am so very sad that she has gone. and angry. and confused about how such a beautiful person, inside and out, was struck down before her time.   she was a person who i always felt loved by, even after i left the JP and went NC. and even when she got sick. she was a truly good person. the world is poorer for the loss of her and i am grieving.

the last half a year or more has been very difficult for me.  i suppose the truth is i have gone through another complete breakdown, this time triggered by my brother and his appalling behaviour, by a therapist who betrayed my trust, and a couple of other things.  and i have lost so much ground in terms of my journey to 'recovery' that i am wondering if it will ever be possible for me to make a life for myself.  or even regain the ground i lost.
i feel more daunted than ever by the prospect of even looking at the pain inside, the things that i have worked so hard the last months to blank out, not feel, not think about.  but i know that not feeling, not thinking, is just making me more and more depressed and i don't want to go back to the state i was in at the end of last year. it is a bit of a miracle that i survived that, i was very close to doing something very stupid.
somehow, i have to find a bit of hope for myself again. how is it that it is so much easier to have hope for other people than it is for yourself??

i know that i need to have a bit of support and this is the only place i can say some things with any hope of anyone actually understanding.  i just hope i can be brave enough to risk it again.

[Dutch Uncle]

My condolences for your loss, dear arpy1. 

Dutch.

[arpy1]

ok. i am hoping that writing this down will get help. i used to find journalling helped but i kind of got out of the habit. i have got out of all my good habits, truth be told.

i confess i am in a bit of a state at the moment. feeling all sorts of feelings that i don't feel able to handle. and blocking them out is beginning not to work so well these days. not coping too well with the death of my friend, but i haven't really got anyone i can talk it through with so i am trying with difficulty to shelve it for now.

i know from experience that after a long period of blocking out, things start to seep through and the depression deepens and i get worse and worse and then i get suicidal thoughts back again etc etc. but what am i supposed to do? my GP says i am not in a place where i can deal with revisiting all the traumas without proper help.  and i have to admit he's probably right in that.  however, i ran out of therapy money months ago and my foray into the private sector was not that wonderful in any case.  but the waiting list for therapy on the nhs is 12 - 18 months round here, so despite having an assessment in February and the consultant agreeing that i need help, i can't expect it for another year minimum. and that's if the funding doesn't get pulled before then.

i feel guilty that i can't seem to do what i have always done and pull myself together and function but it's like i have run out of the ability to do that. it's like all the strength and endurance i had for so many decades has run out. i can't seem to muster it up like i used to. or maybe i am just too lazy, selfish, self-absorbed or whatever to want to. or maybe i am really ill, and not just making it up.
stupid, i know i am ill. i know all that rubbish isn't true but it tortures me all same. 

what is so scary is that i am 59 in a few weeks.  if i have to wait for another year for treatment, that's 60. then, the consultant agreed that 20 weeks of CBT isn't going to mean i am recovered, even if it helps a bit. and the waiting list for the only other type of treatment available that might be of help (Complex Needs Therapeutic Community) is another two years or so, if you manage to get accepted onto it which is not easy, it is really meant for Borderline people.  so it's looking like i am going to be retired (i can retire at 66) before i have a hope of being well enough or at least functional enough to get another job and actually support myself.  and what kind of job can i expect to get anyway?
i am beginning to suspect that in terms of society i am pretty much on the scrap heap, which is a novel and frightening position to be in as a single woman.  and humiliating to boot.

so that's a real worry. on top of which the dreams continue to plague me at night, and the colitis is barely under control. my head is really bananas at the moment and i am back to what i call the 'can't manage to put the washing in the washing machine' syndrome... which is basically that i am barely managing to do day to day things like shower, wash up pots, hoover, cook all that stuff. i can hardly manage to get out the front door to shop for food.  i spend most of the day playing with the ratties, and sitting in front of the computer and binge watching series of brainless tv shows on amazon.  and eating. i had lost 20 lbs and i daren't weigh myself becos i reckon i have put most of it back on. i am not doing any of the things i know to do to help myself. it's like i have retreated from the world, retreated from myself, retreated from everything. and i know it's the worst thing i can do. but i can't seem to musteer up the motivation or ability to get myself back on top of it all.

so that's it really. not much else to say here today. 

[arpy1]

i am re-realising how much of my days are spent in emotional flashback. another area of ground i have lost in the last six months or so.  yestday a.m. i woke from a really nasty nightmare, all about the cult and my ex all ganging up on me to be cruel and bullying and me not being able to do anything to defend myself or run away. all fear and powerlessness and victimhood and the inability to escape sort of stuff that is so common in my dreams. so woke in an EF to start with and then my son told me my Nbro had written to him (my son told him to only communicate info about my dad through him after the last time he abused me) and that was enough to finish me off for the day. i just couldn't seem to shake the effects of the two big triggers coming together in such a short time. major major flashback all day.

weird thing is the amount of guilt i feel for getting into flashbacks.  i feel i should be able to avoid them or stop them, and that they are my fault somehow.  a sign of my self obsession or unwillingness to work or get myself better etc..

anyway. yestday i ended up having to retreat to bed in the afternoon as it was so bad i ground to a complete halt.  and i realised, as i struggled to try and apply the management steps to try and lessen the effects of the flashback, that it was not my fault i get these and it was the inner critic piling on the guilt.  i kind of almost believed that, which is progress, i think. i wasn't terribly successful with the steps, i was in too much pain. but i fell asleep for a couple hours, which broke the cycle anyway so the evening was better. and playing with the ratties helped. they always do, even when i think i don't feel like letting them out for t heir free-range time each evening. they are always so busy and interested and affectionate and funny i can't help but feel lifted by them.

today is better in that i didn't have nightmares last nite (just a really weird dream, which is much easier to discount) and the EF level is much lower. i have a feeling that the after-effects of yesterday are with me still tho as i thought when i got up that it was sunday today, and forgot i was sposed to pick up my son from his girlfriend's house this a.m.  and went to his house by mistake. so ended up driving right round Oxford to correct the mistake! also was very late as Monday traffic is much heavier than weekends of course... senior moment going on there!
today my task is to be the washing up.  and possibly getting  the courage to go out and post my dad's father's day gift.

sounds stupid that i am functioning at such a low level again, but it's just the way it is.  at least i am trying. 

[annakoen]

[Three Roses]

Some days we do well, other days not so much. This is true for every one of us. It's so easy to get down on myself for the "one step back" days (and the ol' Inner Critic is all too eager to lend a hand). I try to remember that Today is not the whole of me; I'm further than i was and not as far as where I'll end.

[arpy1]

  thank u's

[Boatsetsailrose]

Small steps is something I relate well too at the moment -
I lay down where I can - energy and motivation low - at the same time not beating my self now that is the challenge ...
There is always hope and we progress and digress I think that is human nature as well as having cptsd --
Finding pleasure in each day in the smallest of thing
Speaking kindly to ourselves
And knowing that 'this stuff' is not who I truly am ...

[arpy1]

yes, Boatssr, that's the challenge for me too at the moment i think - not beating myself up about the fact that i am in EF so much of the time.  it's been a bit of a revelation, the fact that i feel so guilty when i have them.  i really feel as if i should be able to not 'give in' to them, and that it's  selfish and sinful to do so.  it is weird how i never really noticed that before. 
today's small step was to go down the Post Office and post my dad's Father's Day gift. and i managed to do it. i know it's a very small step but it is very hard to do this stuff at the moment so i have to tell myself to be proud of doing that.  and also i am trying really hard to sort out my eating and go back to my healthy eating style instead of the carb/sugar/fat bingeing i seem to do when a) my microscopic colitis is in flare and b) my soul is in pain.  a and b combined are the reason why i have piled on weight again.  my 'nod' to exercise was to come home from the PO the long way round.  baby steps. 
it's funny how this tentative re-engagement with things is causing me such disproportionate pain. and a continuous kind of flashback into deep anxiety and guilt and discomfort.  i hope it really is the right way to go. today i spent quite a bit of time on and off telling myself over and over 'nothing bad is happening to me at the moment' - it helps a little when i start to panic etc.   i mustn't let myself get back into the bad state i was before xmas last year. that was dangerous and i still don't really know how i managed to survive.

feels like life is a bit out of control, like i am walking a tightrope between engaging and going too far - i really fear getting bad again.
i find it very difficult to gauge how i am doing becos i have no feedback and no one to bounce things off of.  that is the one downside of self isolating. hopefully journalling here will help again. it's nice when people respond a bit, so thanks you guys. 

[Boatsetsailrose]

I understand I really do ... Helps me to not feel alone with my internal world too ---
In the future I want to work with a trauma therapist again - for now I have 12 step support -- could u join a 12 step fellowship ? Just a suggestion ...
I figure the fear I face now will die down in time -- for me it's a mix of ef and real time --
And yes 'not beating self ' finding a quiet kind voice to give myself - I forget but then I remember and it feels right to be kind to myself ...
I relate quote ' I still don't really know how I survived '
Yes I've just been through that ( and it's still hanging around). I didn't think I'd hit such a bad rock bottom again but I did - it was really bad it was my 12 step programme that saves me
Life goes on around me at the moment and it doesn't make sense - what people talk about, their concerns and opinions and their enthusiasm for what I see as trivial and empty --
Focusing on who I am in spite of it all -- accepting myself limitations and all - no illusions -
It's time -
To face
My relationship with self
To work with the difficulties one day at a time
I wish you a balanced and kind to your self day with some pushing

[Boatsetsailrose]

Sorry arpy I realise I've talked. About myself a lot in your journal post -
I need to be mindful it is your space and can support you but not hi jack

[arpy1]

no need to apologise, i like reading what you put! feedback and another's experience are helpful to me.

[arpy1]

after a couple of days of being triggered every time i think about journalling, i am finally feeling i might be ok to do it today. i am not pushing myself in this becos i have to limit the amount of triggers i deal with at the moment.  i think it's becos of the whole starting to face myself and my inner turmoil again. it is very difficult to do it without getting terribly anxious. but better this than the black depression that was enveloping me.

my success story today is that i have gone for a walk (actually i did yesterday too). only 20 mins or so each time, and only round the block where i live but it's a start on the road back to getting my body back into some kind of fitness.  that and the more sensible eating which i am trying to do, with variable success.  i think the thing is to keep trying little bits at a time and not beat myself up if i don't do well.  i have done this before, clawed myself back to fitness. i must be able to do it again. 

i am back in the state where i find even walking past a person in the street triggers me.  i actually got a pain in my chest when i was walking today from anxiety. had to do a bit of self talking 'everything's fine, i am ok, nearly home' etc. but i still managed my little circuit round the roads, so i can feel proud of that.

in the past few days i have also:  washed up, hoovered, sorted out the washing, gone food shopping and cooked a meal.  all things that are very hard to do at the moment and it has taken a few days like i say, but i did them.  i wrote myself a list and ticked the things off as i did them.  such small strategies are helpful.

i guess when i read back what i just wrote it, i realise that i really am quite poorly at the moment.  most of the time i am berating myself for being weak and stupid and ineffectual but actually, i think it's just this damned illness. it is an illness. it is not becos i am bad or stupid or weak or selfish. i am actually sick.  in my mind.  and it's not my fault.  -  why is it so hard for me to believe this? why do i feel such guilt about it? why do i think i am a fraud and bad? why do i still believe that what has happened to me is my own fault, that my victim mentality is the reason why people have taken advantage of me - becos i let them, was too stupid to stop them, deserved their abuse becos of not being wise enough to see it and strong enough to stand up for myself?. is it not more likely that people taking advantage of me, abusing me, was what turned me into a victim in the first place?  which comes first, horse or cart, chicken or egg? what would i say to someone else in this situation? why do i not believe the same for myself? my mind is so  messed up at the moment it makes my head hurt.

stopping now, getting upset.  more another day.

[Three Roses]

   congrats on getting out and around the block, and on your other accomplishments! Small victories are still victories

[annakoen]

Seconded