i have been trying to work up the courage to begin again here, and today i have decided to just make a start even if it's just a little one.
today i got the news of the death of a very dear friend i had in the JP. not unexpected (she had cancer) but i am so very sad that she has gone. and angry. and confused about how such a beautiful person, inside and out, was struck down before her time. she was a person who i always felt loved by, even after i left the JP and went NC. and even when she got sick. she was a truly good person. the world is poorer for the loss of her and i am grieving.
the last half a year or more has been very difficult for me. i suppose the truth is i have gone through another complete breakdown, this time triggered by my brother and his appalling behaviour, by a therapist who betrayed my trust, and a couple of other things. and i have lost so much ground in terms of my journey to 'recovery' that i am wondering if it will ever be possible for me to make a life for myself. or even regain the ground i lost.
i feel more daunted than ever by the prospect of even looking at the pain inside, the things that i have worked so hard the last months to blank out, not feel, not think about. but i know that not feeling, not thinking, is just making me more and more depressed and i don't want to go back to the state i was in at the end of last year. it is a bit of a miracle that i survived that, i was very close to doing something very stupid.
somehow, i have to find a bit of hope for myself again. how is it that it is so much easier to have hope for other people than it is for yourself??
i know that i need to have a bit of support and this is the only place i can say some things with any hope of anyone actually understanding. i just hope i can be brave enough to risk it again.
My condolences for your loss, dear arpy1. :'(
Dutch.
ok. i am hoping that writing this down will get help. i used to find journalling helped but i kind of got out of the habit. i have got out of all my good habits, truth be told.
i confess i am in a bit of a state at the moment. feeling all sorts of feelings that i don't feel able to handle. and blocking them out is beginning not to work so well these days. not coping too well with the death of my friend, but i haven't really got anyone i can talk it through with so i am trying with difficulty to shelve it for now.
i know from experience that after a long period of blocking out, things start to seep through and the depression deepens and i get worse and worse and then i get suicidal thoughts back again etc etc. but what am i supposed to do? my GP says i am not in a place where i can deal with revisiting all the traumas without proper help. and i have to admit he's probably right in that. however, i ran out of therapy money months ago and my foray into the private sector was not that wonderful in any case. but the waiting list for therapy on the nhs is 12 - 18 months round here, so despite having an assessment in February and the consultant agreeing that i need help, i can't expect it for another year minimum. and that's if the funding doesn't get pulled before then.
i feel guilty that i can't seem to do what i have always done and pull myself together and function but it's like i have run out of the ability to do that. it's like all the strength and endurance i had for so many decades has run out. i can't seem to muster it up like i used to. or maybe i am just too lazy, selfish, self-absorbed or whatever to want to. or maybe i am really ill, and not just making it up.
stupid, i know i am ill. i know all that rubbish isn't true but it tortures me all same.
what is so scary is that i am 59 in a few weeks. if i have to wait for another year for treatment, that's 60. then, the consultant agreed that 20 weeks of CBT isn't going to mean i am recovered, even if it helps a bit. and the waiting list for the only other type of treatment available that might be of help (Complex Needs Therapeutic Community) is another two years or so, if you manage to get accepted onto it which is not easy, it is really meant for Borderline people. so it's looking like i am going to be retired (i can retire at 66) before i have a hope of being well enough or at least functional enough to get another job and actually support myself. and what kind of job can i expect to get anyway?
i am beginning to suspect that in terms of society i am pretty much on the scrap heap, which is a novel and frightening position to be in as a single woman. and humiliating to boot.
so that's a real worry. on top of which the dreams continue to plague me at night, and the colitis is barely under control. my head is really bananas at the moment and i am back to what i call the 'can't manage to put the washing in the washing machine' syndrome... which is basically that i am barely managing to do day to day things like shower, wash up pots, hoover, cook all that stuff. i can hardly manage to get out the front door to shop for food. i spend most of the day playing with the ratties, and sitting in front of the computer and binge watching series of brainless tv shows on amazon. and eating. i had lost 20 lbs and i daren't weigh myself becos i reckon i have put most of it back on. i am not doing any of the things i know to do to help myself. it's like i have retreated from the world, retreated from myself, retreated from everything. and i know it's the worst thing i can do. but i can't seem to musteer up the motivation or ability to get myself back on top of it all.
so that's it really. not much else to say here today. :fallingbricks:
i am re-realising how much of my days are spent in emotional flashback. another area of ground i have lost in the last six months or so. yestday a.m. i woke from a really nasty nightmare, all about the cult and my ex all ganging up on me to be cruel and bullying and me not being able to do anything to defend myself or run away. all fear and powerlessness and victimhood and the inability to escape sort of stuff that is so common in my dreams. so woke in an EF to start with and then my son told me my Nbro had written to him (my son told him to only communicate info about my dad through him after the last time he abused me) and that was enough to finish me off for the day. i just couldn't seem to shake the effects of the two big triggers coming together in such a short time. major major flashback all day.
weird thing is the amount of guilt i feel for getting into flashbacks. i feel i should be able to avoid them or stop them, and that they are my fault somehow. a sign of my self obsession or unwillingness to work or get myself better etc..
anyway. yestday i ended up having to retreat to bed in the afternoon as it was so bad i ground to a complete halt. and i realised, as i struggled to try and apply the management steps to try and lessen the effects of the flashback, that it was not my fault i get these and it was the inner critic piling on the guilt. i kind of almost believed that, which is progress, i think. i wasn't terribly successful with the steps, i was in too much pain. but i fell asleep for a couple hours, which broke the cycle anyway so the evening was better. and playing with the ratties helped. they always do, even when i think i don't feel like letting them out for t heir free-range time each evening. they are always so busy and interested and affectionate and funny i can't help but feel lifted by them.
today is better in that i didn't have nightmares last nite (just a really weird dream, which is much easier to discount) and the EF level is much lower. i have a feeling that the after-effects of yesterday are with me still tho as i thought when i got up that it was sunday today, and forgot i was sposed to pick up my son from his girlfriend's house this a.m. and went to his house by mistake. so ended up driving right round Oxford to correct the mistake! also was very late as Monday traffic is much heavier than weekends of course... senior moment going on there!
today my task is to be the washing up. and possibly getting the courage to go out and post my dad's father's day gift.
sounds stupid that i am functioning at such a low level again, but it's just the way it is. at least i am trying.
:hug:
Some days we do well, other days not so much. This is true for every one of us. It's so easy to get down on myself for the "one step back" days (and the ol' Inner Critic is all too eager to lend a hand). I try to remember that Today is not the whole of me; I'm further than i was and not as far as where I'll end.
:hug: thank u's
Small steps is something I relate well too at the moment -
I lay down where I can - energy and motivation low - at the same time not beating my self now that is the challenge ...
There is always hope and we progress and digress I think that is human nature as well as having cptsd --
Finding pleasure in each day in the smallest of thing
Speaking kindly to ourselves
And knowing that 'this stuff' is not who I truly am ...
yes, Boatssr, that's the challenge for me too at the moment i think - not beating myself up about the fact that i am in EF so much of the time. it's been a bit of a revelation, the fact that i feel so guilty when i have them. i really feel as if i should be able to not 'give in' to them, and that it's selfish and sinful to do so. it is weird how i never really noticed that before.
today's small step was to go down the Post Office and post my dad's Father's Day gift. and i managed to do it. i know it's a very small step but it is very hard to do this stuff at the moment so i have to tell myself to be proud of doing that. and also i am trying really hard to sort out my eating and go back to my healthy eating style instead of the carb/sugar/fat bingeing i seem to do when a) my microscopic colitis is in flare and b) my soul is in pain. a and b combined are the reason why i have piled on weight again. my 'nod' to exercise was to come home from the PO the long way round. baby steps.
it's funny how this tentative re-engagement with things is causing me such disproportionate pain. and a continuous kind of flashback into deep anxiety and guilt and discomfort. i hope it really is the right way to go. today i spent quite a bit of time on and off telling myself over and over 'nothing bad is happening to me at the moment' - it helps a little when i start to panic etc. i mustn't let myself get back into the bad state i was before xmas last year. that was dangerous and i still don't really know how i managed to survive.
feels like life is a bit out of control, like i am walking a tightrope between engaging and going too far - i really fear getting bad again.
i find it very difficult to gauge how i am doing becos i have no feedback and no one to bounce things off of. that is the one downside of self isolating. hopefully journalling here will help again. it's nice when people respond a bit, so thanks you guys. :hug:
I understand I really do ... Helps me to not feel alone with my internal world too ---
In the future I want to work with a trauma therapist again - for now I have 12 step support -- could u join a 12 step fellowship ? Just a suggestion ...
I figure the fear I face now will die down in time -- for me it's a mix of ef and real time --
And yes 'not beating self ' finding a quiet kind voice to give myself - I forget but then I remember and it feels right to be kind to myself ...
I relate quote ' I still don't really know how I survived '
Yes I've just been through that ( and it's still hanging around). I didn't think I'd hit such a bad rock bottom again but I did - it was really bad it was my 12 step programme that saves me
Life goes on around me at the moment and it doesn't make sense - what people talk about, their concerns and opinions and their enthusiasm for what I see as trivial and empty --
Focusing on who I am in spite of it all -- accepting myself limitations and all - no illusions -
It's time -
To face
My relationship with self
To work with the difficulties one day at a time :)
I wish you a balanced and kind to your self day with some pushing
Sorry arpy I realise I've talked. About myself a lot in your journal post -
I need to be mindful it is your space and can support you but not hi jack
no need to apologise, i like reading what you put! feedback and another's experience are helpful to me.
:hug:
after a couple of days of being triggered every time i think about journalling, i am finally feeling i might be ok to do it today. i am not pushing myself in this becos i have to limit the amount of triggers i deal with at the moment. i think it's becos of the whole starting to face myself and my inner turmoil again. it is very difficult to do it without getting terribly anxious. but better this than the black depression that was enveloping me.
my success story today is that i have gone for a walk (actually i did yesterday too). only 20 mins or so each time, and only round the block where i live but it's a start on the road back to getting my body back into some kind of fitness. that and the more sensible eating which i am trying to do, with variable success. i think the thing is to keep trying little bits at a time and not beat myself up if i don't do well. i have done this before, clawed myself back to fitness. i must be able to do it again.
i am back in the state where i find even walking past a person in the street triggers me. i actually got a pain in my chest when i was walking today from anxiety. had to do a bit of self talking 'everything's fine, i am ok, nearly home' etc. but i still managed my little circuit round the roads, so i can feel proud of that.
in the past few days i have also: washed up, hoovered, sorted out the washing, gone food shopping and cooked a meal. all things that are very hard to do at the moment and it has taken a few days like i say, but i did them. i wrote myself a list and ticked the things off as i did them. such small strategies are helpful.
i guess when i read back what i just wrote it, i realise that i really am quite poorly at the moment. most of the time i am berating myself for being weak and stupid and ineffectual but actually, i think it's just this damned illness. it is an illness. it is not becos i am bad or stupid or weak or selfish. i am actually sick. in my mind. and it's not my fault. - why is it so hard for me to believe this? why do i feel such guilt about it? why do i think i am a fraud and bad? why do i still believe that what has happened to me is my own fault, that my victim mentality is the reason why people have taken advantage of me - becos i let them, was too stupid to stop them, deserved their abuse becos of not being wise enough to see it and strong enough to stand up for myself?. is it not more likely that people taking advantage of me, abusing me, was what turned me into a victim in the first place? which comes first, horse or cart, chicken or egg? what would i say to someone else in this situation? why do i not believe the same for myself? my mind is so messed up at the moment it makes my head hurt.
stopping now, getting upset. more another day.
:hug: congrats on getting out and around the block, and on your other accomplishments! Small victories are still victories :D
Seconded :hug:
today has been a flat kind of day, and it was very hard to get going this morning. i suspect if i hadn't had to get up i would have just stayed in bed. but i did get up and did manage to clean the ratties' cage, which is a big job that i tackle every sunday and seriously didn't feel like doing. taking on the responsibility for these little creatures has been good, it means that i have to do things like this, looking after them and giving them a lovely life, the best i can - after all, they didn't ask to be my pets and they deserve the best for the joy they are bringing into my life.
ate some of the first strawberries out of the garden today. little joys mean a lot if you take time to appreciate them.
and my flowers are blooming, lots of colour in my patio pots.
and, wonder of wonders - my resident blackbird, who visits my patio daily for food, upon finding nothing to eat this afternoon, sat on the patio in sight of my doors and sang loudly, to make me come out and feed him. he got the supper that he sang so beautifully for!
it's good to notice these things, when my emotions are sad and flat. little joys. helps a lot.
Hi Arpy-
:cheer: :cheer: I'm rooting for you!
In response to some stuff you wrote earlier about the difficulty in having access to a therapist---forgive me if this is too late and you're not concerned with that anymore--but, is there anyone you trust with whom you could do a co-counseling type thing, with even just one other person? I really feel for/relate to you vis-a-vis the guilt of STILL having issues, and being very hard on yourself for it--- :stars: :falling bricks:. I was on this forum about a year ago, as "Serkinglight"--tried to get back on as such but couldn't remember my password, so now I'm "Resurgent". Anyway, you responded to me with great kindness and got very angry on my behalf as I recall. It helped immeasurably--felt so supportive at the time, so thanks!! :hug: It saddens me to see you not feeling you have a right to all the totally justifiable feelings you've had... I know that trap all too well...
what a kind post, resurgent, it made my day! thank you for caring and for remembering something i said that helped all that time ago! i feel really touched :hug: and thank you for your support, it means a lot.
so. today's journal...
i am so muddled at the moment becos i know that i need to re engage with my emotions to stop the depression getting any worse, but without any recourse to treatment i am so afraid of going into another meltdown. your suggestion Resurvent,of co-counselling is a good one. i do have one friend who is also an ex JP member, so understands the cult experience and the effects it has had on me but she isn't quite ready to call it a cult yet, i guess she's not there on her own journey. which makes it a little sensitive for me to be able to be completely open and honest about how i feel. i don't want to confront her with stuff she's not ready to deal with yet. other than that it's really just my GP, who hasn't time to give to the extent i need. i would love to have someone i can really vent to but there just isn't really anyone left from all the ones i was close to who isn't JP or ex JP. i had to go total NC becos contact with them was so triggering.
i guess it's a conundrum i can't actually solve. and that makes me feel so powerless and makes the feelings of 'oh for goodness sake, arpy, stop whingeing and just pull yourself together, no one is going to help you but you' much worse. and it makes me doubt that i am really ill, that it isn't my fault, you know, all the things that the IC piles on. it is so frustrating to know that i need to deal with stuff, don't have the resources or strength left to do it alone, and can't get any help either. i feel as if i have spent my life being trapped, alone and powerless against circumstances too great for me. and guilty that i am not strong enough and brave enough to deal with it.
the only recourse i have is to live from one day to the next, trying to 'improve the moment' as they say, till maybe things really do improve. when i write it down like this the sick feeling of helplessness threatens to overwhelm me and i have to switch off with something brainless on tv, or some wine or some chocolate, or anything to stop my head. not the best but the best i can do at the moment.
i think it has been good getting back on this forum, remembering that there are other people who feel similar to me, who maybe i can encourage a bit sometimes, who encourage me too. that does help, it is validating. so i'm glad i did it. even though it is sometimes pretty triggering. the good outweighs the bad.
today i am 59 years old. i don't generally celebrate my birthday after having buried our baby the day before my 50th, but today i am going out for lunch with my son and his girlfriend. and it's ok, becos he will be there, so i won't feel so nervous of being with humans.
when i woke up i was awash with sad feelings. i tried to have a birthday lie-in but had to get up becos i felt the old guilt about being lazy and selfish and started to get all anxious. anyway, i got up, and gave the ratties a treat for their breakfast - porridge with fish oil in (urgh.. but they love it). they got it all over my desk and then one of them escaped and i had to chase her about before i got her. little minx. these four little guys are so important to me, i love them so much, and they give me so much affection and joy and make me laugh. can't imagine how i coped before. and of course, caring for them makes me have to do things, which is good.
well, more later when i have survived my birthday lunch... feels so ungrateful but it's true, it's a tough thing to do. but it means a lot to the kids, so i do it.
Arpy - I hope your time today with your son & his gf is enjoyable, may you have a peaceful and fulfilling day. :hug:
Happy birthday arpy - glad you are here with us 🌸✨
Special day
Happy birthday arpy :hug:
thank you guys for your b'day wishes, that was nice of you.
so tday i am trying to do a bit of journal. my head is a bit of a mess so it will be rambly i suspect. but i need to try and keep doing this. i need to get out the stuff that roils around inside like a tornado building. i hope that will be enough to prevent me from getting worse as i can feel my mood getting lower and lower as time passes.
the last couple of days i have spent feeling exhausted. today i slept for three and a half hours - not the best but i just couldn't do anything else. i feel like all my limbs have been dipped in concrete and moving is a huge effort for some reason. maybe the muggy weather, maybe the meds. i don't know.
i think as well that part of it is recovering from the birthday lunch. it was lovely, don't get me wrong, and the kids got me some nice pressies which was so sweet. it was lovely to see L, my son's girlfriend again. but i'm afraid the simple act of socialising for a few hours even with people i love and trust, was a bit triggering. i just about managed to get home after it without falling apart but i was feeling very anxious and wired by then. i feel guilty that even people's kindness and love can get to be too much for me so that i just want to flee back to my cave, but i realise that i have done a lot of social stuff in my life, and especially in the JP, out of fear of disapproval, the desire to please, or a sense of obligation and guilt and which taxed my soul to the limit. i guess maybe that's why doing even the smallest bit of social stuff now triggers all this fear and anxiety and desire to just be on my own again. i hope i didn't show it with them, but they'd probably understand even if i did. and it was probly good to make the effort, not just for their sakes, but becos i should probly not let myself get so isolated as i do.
so wednes and today have been difficult days. i am getting to the point where i am considering again whether i should reduce my meds in an attempt to get at least a bit of energy back. it's so hard wading through treacle to achieve the smallest thing. reading some of the posts about reduced cognitive function here on OOTS i realised just how heavy a dose of antideps i am on. and rather than becoming more tolerant of them, i seem to be getting less tolerant. i reduced the citalopram to 20mg instead of 30mg this evening; don't know if i should have done, but it was an impulse, i guess, in truth, me trying to feel like i am in control... huh.
i am always struggling in my mind about god and faith and stuff. i feel so bereft of the faith that i had but in all conscience i can't pretend i am a christian anymore. my faith in god of any kind is so reduced, so full of doubt it can hardly be called faith at all. and though some would say it doesn't matter, to me it does, it really does. it feels like someone or something infinitely precious has died in the very foundation of my soul. the god i thought i knew and loved, and who i believed loved me, has somehow disappeared becos if so much of what i believed was based on a lie, simply manipulation and control rather than the things it purported to be about, namely love, goodness, courage, kindness, compassion, then how can what i thought i had with god, that sweetness and beauty, for so many decades -have been true? illogical, yes. but still the case. all my realities have gone and i am stuck in a searing wasteland of unknowing. maybe that's all there is. maybe what i thought i had was never real anyway. maybe it was a part of the great lie that i was taken in by, the JP lie, the lie that says that goodness and love and joy and community of human spirits is possible. turns out it was conditional on abdication of all personal control and boundaries.
i feel so un-anchored nowadays. and my mind is still scared of thinking too hard about what i really believe as opposed to what i was indoctrinated to believe, there's still a lot of fear about reaching out with my intellect and considering the whole issue of spirituality and in partic my own spirituality, without the framework of doctrine that underpinned my paradigms, my entire worldview, lifeview, whatever. but i feel like i just am not the person that i was moulded into for so many decades. i don't actually agree in my heart of hearts, with a lot of the stuff i based my entire life on. what a muddle it all is.
saturday today and i have three days 'off' (i.e. my son doesn't need taking to work till wednes) which is good and bad at the same time. i always feel relief when i don't have to get up at stupid oclock in the morning, even tho it was me who set it up like that so that i would actually get out of bed in the mornings. but at the same time, i fear the days when i don't have to get up becos i do tend to waste a lot of time on those days, sleep too late, lose motivation and so on.
tomoro is rat cage cleaning day, though, so i have to get on with that, which will help.
when did my life get so small? or was is always this small and i was kidding myself that it had some meaning?. don't go down that path, arpy, it will lead to the black hole... ???
so, how am i actually doing? i am not too bad, but still very very tired. slept for a couple of hours again today. i seem to have started doing this again the last couple weeks, i had gotten out of the habit, but that was before the fatigue set in.
i am trying to take less meds, at the moment. will discuss with GP when i see him on wednesday but i have that feeling of 'i've got to do something to help myself' again, over the constant battle with tiredness. i realised today that i am not doing too well with the impulse control either; when i feel powerless i tend to do stuff on impulse, like my mind is casting around frantically for a solution to whatever it is that is making me feel out of control of my life. and when i think i have found one i jump on it. and often it's not the best choice, or doesn't actually change much. it's just about making myself feel better.
i am really rambling here so i shall stop. i feel a bit crazy if i'm honest, like my mind is slipping away again. this is not nice. if only i could think clearly but all i want to do is go back to sleep .
I can really relate to this arpy
When is it too much sleep and when is it not enough
The past couple of yrs I have slept so much - sometimes I have only gotten up for toilet and food and slept two nights and a day
It's hard not to beat self and inner critic take control
In learning what is mental exhaustion what is stress and what is actual tiredness
All I know is I've had to have all the sleep I've had to try and function
I am learning that exercise is I important to aid the body stress I feel but getting out the door to do it can be hard
I know what u mean by 'helping myself '
Other people seem to cope with tiredness better than I do
Wonder if it is a symptom of our condition - the stress knocks us out and then trying to do life impacts us more ...
I also get a lot of body ache I don't know if that is a symptom too
QuoteWonder if it is a symptom of our condition - the stress knocks us out and then trying to do life impacts us more ...
yes, i think it is. i find 'trying to do life' very very taxing. trying to do normal everyday things is a real struggle, full of fear, guilt, anxiety. even the smallest task. trying to act 'normal' around people is even more burdensome.
i had a realisation today. i am deeply triggered by feelings of tiredness. it makes me totally panic, feel terribly guilty, afraid, anxious. and very very down and depressed.
i realised too the reason why this happens all the time.
when i was in the JP (the cult i was in for years), we were kept busy all the time. i mean,
all the time. we worked all day, and every evening there was some kind of meeting, large gatherings, small gatherings. there was never any time or space to be at rest. to be inactive was virtually sinful. to not be 'giving yourself' to others, 'serving the brethren', whatever, was seen as selfish, soulish, sinful. not loving God, or loving the brotherhood. to wish for times of solitude was seen as wrong, 'independent', not 'kingdom-hearted'. to miss any meeting was not allowed. we were constantly on the go.
then when i got married, i was unable to let go of the guilt if i ever relaxed. i used to dissociate, i think, reading books, watching tv, anything to soak up my brain which i couldn't shut down. anything to escape from the pain of my relationship with my ex, and the constant activity involved in being his full-time carer (he was physically disabled too), both physically and psychologically. all at the same time as raising the kids, and doing all the 'man about the house' jobs he was unable to do.
in both situations, no matter how i felt, how exhausted, how depressed, how desperate, (and i was like that most of the time), i had to pull myself together and give, care, love, serve, put myself last, etc.
so to me the feeling of tiredness is more than just feeling tired. it is laden with guilt, fear, shame, dread. which makes it very hard to bear.
don't quite know what this insight will lead to. i maybe have a key to being able to rest without guilt? or realise that i don't have to push myself over the limits when i don't need to. or what? i am not sure. i just felt some relief simply from the realisation itself.
:hug: that sounds awful (edit: the cult I mean)
Would it help if you 'tasked' yourself with resting? Put it in your calendar or something. If it doesn't come natural (yet) maybe it will by practicing in this way? Just thinking out loud.
Try to be kind to yourself, you deserve it :hug:
well, it's been a tough few days since i last posted here. in an effort to reduce the tiredness i feel all the time i am very slowly trying to reduce the amount of meds i am taking. very slowly. and it is actually pretty difficult to do. i made a very small reduction in one of the antideps, and even that has tipped me into some pretty deep anxiety and EFs. i am going to give it a couple of weeks to see if i can acclimatise to it, before i think about another tiny reduction. it is pretty frightening to me that i need to rely on such a heavy dose of medication to keep my mood even part way level.
i took your suggestion, annakoen, about scheduling in a sleep each day, it is helping with the guilt. thanks for that. and somehow it has helped me to get out more for walks. as if i can do it if i know i can retreat under the duvet and recover from the EFs that inevitably happen when i go out.
talking of going out, i totally embarrassed myself the last couple of days. twice, twice no less. being very brave and passing the time of day with a couple of people when i was out and suddenly finding myself blurting out how ill i am and what has happened. how could i have been so stupid??? it was like i had no control over myself. and when i got away from them i spent hours berating myself for being so stupid and needy and spilling my guts all over people who obviously have no interest in me at all. why would i imagine they care about me, who am i to them any way?? i still can't believe i was so stupid. i feel humiliated at my own behaviour. and also worried. what is happening to me that i did this? i feel like i am turning into one of those crazy old ladies you see sometimes in town, wandering around behaving weirdly, with everyone feeling embarrassed for them and avoiding them when they see them in the street. what is going on with me???? am i going a bit loopy??
Arpy - so sorry to hear you've had a rough few days :hug: I've done the same myself, blurting out my life to total strangers, and it's quite embarrassing! It was like I heard myself talking to people while inside the Real Me sat helplessly watching, horrified. Looks like it was just a temporary thing tho, hasn't happened in a while. Could it just be because you reduced your meds recently, and your system is in the process of acclimatising?
I don't think we're "going loopy" - I think we've been so strong for so long and we're facing the issues now.
Hang in there, you've got people here to support you! :cheer:
i am so relieved i am not the only one who has done this Three Roses! thanks for sharing that. makes me feel a bit less foolish. i guess it might be the meds change. time'll tell perhaps.
this morning i woke up from a dream where i was back in the JP, and weirdly my sister was in it. (she was never part of them at all so i don't know where that came from. but she was incredibly hurtful to me when we had the baby so maybe that's it). anyway my sister was telling me (very kindly) that she and my dad didn't think i had been abused and that i didn't have cptsd at all. i asked her what she thought might be wrong with me that i was the way i am. but she wouldn't answer me. so i woke up kind of believing that i was making all this up, that i was wrong about the JP, and that it wasn't a cult, but a good church and i was therefore wrong to leave them. and that i must be simply attention-seeking or something in being how i am.
a couple of hours in i realised how weird that dream was, but for a while there, i was believing it, and going down into an EF. in the end i just got busy and had a nice time cleaning out the rats' cage and giving all of them a bath (always fun, they hate the water but love the towel and being dried afterwards and then they go all lickey and affectionate!) after that i thought, maybe i am not making all this stuff up.
i wondered about reading back over some of my journal pages from around the time when i left, when things were really bad and intense and horrific, just to remind myself the reason why i couldn't stay. but i bottled out, becos i know it would be too upsetting. it seems daft to still doubt that what happened to me was wrong and it's not me that's wrong, faulty, whatever. and it's very hard becos no one can really know what it was like in the JP unless they have been in a similar situation. there are certain things about the cult experience that are sort of unique and very hard to get your head round. which makes it weird trying to share it with anyone outside. i don't know why i still doubt myself. it's been happening a lot lately.
Arpy, you are definitely not alone in this. Talked with my T about having two modes it seems: either I won't talk about myself or I will tell them my life's story. And yes, immense guilt trip afterwards...
Sounds like you were brain washed horribly by them
:hug:
You deserve to make any and all choices in your life that make you happier and healthier. You did not make it up.
When I was a teenager, I was in a relationship that wasn't working, but I felt guilty wanting to break it off. My boss saw I was struggling and called me into his office and asked, concernedly if I was OK. I cried and told him I felt guilt for wanting to break it off. "He didn't do me wrong." My boss looked at me in sympathy and said "Girl, if I had to have a relationship with everyone who didn't do me wrong I'd have to please the whole world."
So, arpy, I do not believe for a moment that cult was a 'good church', but should you at any time doubt yourself, remember that you are in no way obligated to have any relationship with anyone you don't want to have a relationship with, for your own unique reasons. Guilt doesn't come into it: there are simply too many people on the planet to even consider pleasing them all, or being bothered by their (hypothetical) opinions. That so-called church was not right for you, because you know and feel in your heart that it was. No other reason is necessary or matters.
:hug:
that is true. it helps, annakoen, thank you. it is hard to believe myself, but like you suggest, even if i got it totally wrong, it makes no odds, i don't have to feel guilty about not wanting to stay. that is a novel concept, believe it or not, becos we were deeply indoctrinated to believe that if we left, we were backsliding and would come under God's judgment. 'Like a dog returning to its vomit is the man who puts his hand to the plough and then turns back' that comes out of the bible. it and many other sayings like it, were used like a tool to keep us in a kind of mental captivity through fear, shame and guilt. that kind of powerful mind control didn't leave a lot of room for deciding to leave 'becos it wasn't working for me'. phew. shocking how even though i can look at it rationally now, and even verbalise what was really happening, that is a belief that still remains rooted somewhere in the depths of me. thank you for helping me to re-realise that. now i feel a bit sick! it still shocks me after so long.
well today has been tough. the way my meds are means that to reduce them slowly enough i have to take one less tablet every other day. i realised today that on the day following the one where i take the lower dose, i seem to be in almost constant EF which gets worse as the day progresses until i am desperate for meds time to arrive at 6pm. on the other day, it isn't so bad. foolish that it has taken a week or two to realise this as a pattern.
so anyway, today was tough. i just took my meds so hopefully the anxiety etc will calm down. it didn't help that i had to go into Oxford for a gastro-entero checkup. the checkup itself was fine, as the colitis isn't flaring at the moment, so i don't have to go back for six months, but the little doctor (when did they all get so young?!) was concerned that i had cancelled my last colonoscopy back in november. when i sort of explained about the cptsd, that i was very ill and suicidal etc at the time and that this is the first time i have felt able to cope with an appointment, he was so sweet and started asking me if i had support, what i did when i felt tempted to hurt myself etc. and it was very kind of him but just him being kind and me having to talk about it threw me straight into flashback. bit of a different story to the other day when i couldn't keep my gob shut!? not sure what happened.
i got out fairly fast, but drove home just managing not to cry. i went to bed this afternoon becos i couldn't face having to cope with all the horrible emotions without being able to take my meds. so i thought if i spent most the time asleep it would be less awful. which it was.
so it all makes me doubt. if it is this difficult to reduce the meds, maybe i should just accept the constant tiredness and go back up. but then i feel so bad becos of that. so maybe i should carry on and hope that i will acclimatise to the reduced dose. i just don't know what to decide. it's like as ever i am faced with the choice between two unworkable alternatives. i have to chose one. but whichever i chose is going to make me feel awful. ho hum. what to chose... :blink: i hate this.
Hi arpy, big hug to you. I understand how tough that is, to go against programming that isn't working but that is still operational :hug:
I'm sorry I have to ask but am not clear: are you lowering dosage due to side effects or something? In other words: if lowering dosage is not working, I'd be tempted to ask if you're being too hard on yourself by forcing yourself to lower it... Are there strong reasons to keep lowering?
yes, the reason is that on the high dose (for me anyway: 30mg Citalopram and 50mg Trazodone) i am so exhausted all the time that it makes me feel awful. tiredness, as i realised the other day, is a huge trigger for me. so it is extra hard to cope with. apart from wanting to sleep all the time.
the upside of taking the higher dose is that the EFs in general seem to reduce and the nightmares are less frequent.
ironic. if i take the full dose, i get EFs from feelings of tiredness, if i lower it, i get EFs from everything else.
sigh. i think i'll stick with it for a week more and if i don't settle down i'll just go back and put up with the tiredness.
Quote from: arpy1 on July 05, 2016, 09:41:21 PM
yes, the reason is that on the high dose (for me anyway: 30mg Citalopram and 50mg Trazodone) i am so exhausted all the time that it makes me feel awful. tiredness, as i realised the other day, is a huge trigger for me. so it is extra hard to cope with. apart from wanting to sleep all the time.
the upside of taking the higher dose is that the EFs in general seem to reduce and the nightmares are less frequent.
ironic. if i take the full dose, i get EFs from feelings of tiredness, if i lower it, i get EFs from everything else.
sigh. i think i'll stick with it for a week more and if i don't settle down i'll just go back and put up with the tiredness.
I understand. I do not know anything about medication so can't judge, but finding the right dose for you seems really important. (Or, if there are alternatives to your current medication, trying those.)
:hug:
right, so it got bad, and i got into a bit of a bad way, so i basically stopped trying to reduce the meds. and within a week i have stopped feeling so bad... stopped feeling much at all in fact. this is what happens. but it has to be better than being in a constant EF and having the nightmares every night and wanting to do something drastic to myself again.
sigh. i tried, i guess.
so i am back to feeling very blank, and sleeping loads. i am still having weird dreams, but the meds stop me from going into meltdown when i wake up. the GP said basically i seem to still need the higher dose to get through the days but said that when i have stabilised again, maybe we can try again but reduce even more slowly than i was doing. i don't know if i will though.
at the moment, i just want to veg out and not have to feel anything.
it occurs to me that all the professionals seem to look at dissociation as an undesirable state to be in, something to be overcome. but what the meds do is just a chemical means of dissociating. hopefully in a slightly less unhealthy way than booze, drugs, sex, gambling, gaming.... or is it? who knows the longterm effects this high a dose of antidepressant/anti-anxiety medication will have on me? the only thing in its favour for me personally is that becos of the other physical problems i have i don't have to pay for them. i get an exemption for my prescriptions. i know that is really cynical but i am feeling properly p***ed off about it all at the moment.
will this ever end???
:hug: :hug: :hug:
I'm in the same boat arpy
Dammed if I do - dammed if I don't
On them I get to do life and feel good more
Off them well forget it - it doesn't happen
When I reduce in the future I need to be in the right position
Have support enough around me
So for now I'm on them
Just this morning I wake and have that floored 'I can't get up so tired feeling ( after a full nights sleep
I take the meds at night and so the mornings are like this ... It gets better as the day goes on and the drug wears off
The alternative is to take it in the morning but hey that won't be good
So morning hangover it is ...
Arpy :hug: :hug: :hug:
I wish the meds didn't make you so numb and hope that eventually you may find something that works better for you.