the next step

[sanmagic7]

feeling pretty ok this morning.  i'm just gonna ride this wave and enjoy it.  gives me a chance to write, read, play games, sit back and relax.  i'll take it.

[HannahOne]

Yes to writing, reading, and playing games! Recreation for the win.

[sanmagic7]

indeed, hannah1, it does feel like a win.  thank you! 

therapy today.  we're slated to process what happened 2 weeks ago, but honestly, and i was afraid this was going to happen, i don't remember what it was about, only the aftermath.  i know, take notes, but i don't remember to do that either.  hopefully she'll have notes.  it makes me nervous that this will be brought up again and i'm going to react overwhelmingly again.

i've had a lot of that lately, it seems.  i'm finding it's still jarring, upsetting to talk to my D about her F and S.  these are the 2 people who are 2 of the biggest abusers in my life for the longest time, and who still have me by the neck.  i worked really hard w/ my previous T to help this not be so, and the impact has lessened, but it's still there.  they're the ones who will prevent me from going back to sleep in the middle of the night.  still haunted by them.

my D and i were talking about him the other day - he's moving into assisted living now - and i did something nice for him, and she relayed the messages back and forth for him and me, and he was grateful, etc.   but i discovered later that it still landed badly with me.  at one point he wanted to make amends to me, but that got botched, and i've thought about urging him to try again, that i might be ready now (i got a lot of anger out in my reply to him last time, and he backed away, so it never happened) but just after that little chat about him, i could feel my insides roiling around and remembered that amends are not to be made if they would provide pain/suffering, and i'm afraid i'm in that category.

i'd love to hear some heartfelt apologies from him, but i don't believe i can take it.  so goes the damage.

[NarcKiddo]

it makes me nervous that this will be brought up again and i'm going to react overwhelmingly again.

Maybe that is a sensible starting point for the session. Just because something is on the schedule does not mean it has to happen.

I hope the session is helpful, whatever you end up discussing.

 

[sanmagic7]

thank you, NK.  i'm already getting worked up about it, and it's not going down for several hours.  we'll see.  at least this is an example of how very fragile i am, and she can see it in living color, so to speak.  thanks for the support.  truly appreciated.    

[Armee]

 
 
I'll be thinking of you today. I almost always forget nearly all of what went down in therapy week to week and also forget to write it down or forget to read it...forget, forget, forget...That's dissociation for you. It isn't your fault, it isn't wrong, and honestly it's probably pretty protective and ingenious. Plus you have 2 weeks between appointments so it's even harder to remember. I agree with NK...you are in control of what gets discussed in a healthy therapy...if something is saying "no" then going slow in returning to that topic is probably essential. Slow is fast, and all that.


I recall that this was about love and that I had a theory or gut-level feeling about that that I wanted to share with you. But if your mind is telling you "no," you can ignore it and not read it. I'll treat it like a potential trigger warning just in case and will use white font. I hope it isn't upsetting if you read it. I will delete this if you want or need me to. 

But my theory is that you loved your Ds very strongly and they felt that love. But it was too powerful an emotion that your mind had to protect you from perceiving it, because somewhere along the lines you were taught that you had to block out emotions to survive...alexythymia... whether that's autism, CPTSD, or both. But I don't think you don't have emotions, I'm guessimg you just don't perceive them when they are over-powering. The love you felt for that cat was probably just the right amount of love that it didn't overwhelm you. So your mind let you feel it.