The ramblings of an abused kid (trigger warnings galore)

[dollyvee]

But instead of doing that, I'm focused on identifying and rectifying specific faults. "These are the specific failures I've identified that were caused by my trauma and the symptoms that led me to them". Again... It's a "me" problem and I'm sorry. It's very possible that I may be the only one talking about my experiences and frustrations on a "systems" level.

Hey Slashy,

Can you say more about this? I'm not going on the defensive here, but trying to explain why I talked about these specific therapies. When you experience things as a baby, or preverbally, your brain does what it needs to do to make sense of what happened at that time. I am also very much a rational thinker, mind over matter kind of person because that's what I had to do to survive ie figure it out. What I've learned, is that intellectualization and figuring it out is a survival strategy. When you are in your head, you're not in your body, which is likely protecting me from the things that I had to experience. So, these therapies for me, are very much about figuring out what is going on systemically with me. It's like using the head to find the body, piece by piece. If you want, have a look at the connection survival strategy in Healing Developmental Trauma, which talks more about intellectualization.

Also, I don't know if you're actively in therapy right now, but one of the things that my therapist tried to hammer into me (probably not the best phrasing) was that it wasn't my fault. There is/was nothing wrong with me. Children will do whatever they need to do in order to keep their attachment to a parent, which means that they will take the responsibility in order to stay close to that caregiver because that is what is going to keep them alive. I have also been learning about the "basic fault," which means that children growing up in certain situations will believe themselves to be inherently flawed at their core and was developed by Michael Balint:

proposes that early childhood, pre-verbal discrepancies between a child's needs and environmental care create a fundamental, lasting structural deficiency in the personality. This "fault" causes intense anxiety, primitive object relationships, and regressive, difficult-to-treat character disorders.

It doesn't mean however, that you were flawed or different, but rather, that's what you had to believe in order to survive if you get me? It's a story that young you had to tell yourself about what was going on. Perhaps the searching through those memories now, is an effort to subconsciously undo that story?

Sending you support,
dolly

[GoSlash27]

Man, I wish my dad was still alive today!  I wish I could talk all of this over and gain some clarity. To share these memories from such early ages and maybe gain his perspective.
In all my years, I never knew him to be abusive. I spent periods with him and various step families, but I never felt like I fit in there.
But he died and nobody even told me until after his funeral. It wouldn't have made much difference anyway, I didn't know I had cPTSD back then, so I wasn't thinking about these topics. Wouldn't even have occurred to me to talk about that period in my life.

All those missed opportunities! I have nobody left to gain clarity. Everyone who knew any more than I remember is dead. I don't even have a photo album!   

[GoSlash27]

Dolly,
"Can you say more about this?"
 Sure. What I mean to say is that I'm talking about my experience from a very "nuts and bolts" perspective while others are talking on other levels. I've decided that all the other problems stem from the lost/ confused memories. If I can just stitch my memories back together into some semblance of order, all the other problems will fix themselves.
 " basic fault, which means that children growing up in certain situations will believe themselves to be inherently flawed at their core  *snip* It doesn't mean however, that you were flawed or different, but rather, that's what you had to believe in order to survive if you get me?"
 Of course, but this doesn't fit me. If anything, it demonstrates the opposite. All of 5 of us kids were impacted and I'm one of the only two ho survived it intact. I don't blame myself for any of it. I was just a kid and it's all the fault of the grownups, my mother specifically. Even the blame for all the other bad actors comes back to her because she should never have allowed them to be around her kids. It's not my fault, it's HER fault. She was an unfit mother, no doubt about it. But she's dead and I'm the one left to clean up the mess.
 "Perhaps the searching through those memories now, is an effort to subconsciously undo that story?"
 No. It's an effort to restore my fractured self identity and repair the damage. Or at least cobble myself back to some fashion of working order. If I can work out my history, then I can understand who I am. If I can do that, then I won't have most of the other issues or at least can tackle them head- on.
 It all starts with my history though. So I focus relentlessly on establishing that.
 In addition, there's my baby sister to consider. She's seeking the same clarity that I am. Being younger and deaf, she has even less clarity than I do. She relies on me to help her fill her gaps. There's nobody else left.
 So even if I didn't feel the compulsion to do this for my own sake, I'd still feel driven to do it for hers.

Best,
-Slashy

[GoSlash27]

 And yes, I do have a therapist although I wouldn't call it "active in therapy". Thank God I have her, because she does DBR and a lot of people who really need it have no access.
 But I almost exclusively use her for DBR therapy rather than guidance. I don't feel like I need to see her because I'm sure I already know how that conversation would go. "Doc, it hurts when I do this". "Then stop doing that".
 And I would stop or at least give it a rest for a while, but I can't.
 There's no off switch.