Tough Time

[Mamatus]

Ive experienced what feels like a full collapse after many years of high-functioning, nonstop work in the creative arts. I was always someone who coped by pushing harder, achieving more, and staying productive.I never really relaxed - my favourite past time involved adrenaline and socialising always involved heavy drinking to overcome social anxiety I was unaware of.  I had to give away drinking some years ago now. That mode of life  worked for a long time until it didn't.

I grew up with intense and chronic emotional abuse from my mother (who has since passed). I don't think I ever properly processed the trauma even with weekly therapy. Over the past year, major life stressors — family, financial pressure, responsibility — seem to have fused with that earlier trauma, and everything has started to feel existential. I now feel permanently stuck just getting through each day but without the tools to solve the looming problems.

My hardest part is the inner critic. I wake most mornings around 4:30am with intense, unbearable thoughts. By midday it usually eases somewhat. I train physically most afternoons, partly because it helps regulate me and gives me a bit of mental quiet later in the day.

I'm very interested in hearing from others who've had similar experiences. What helped? What didn't? Any perspective or lived experience would be appreciated.

It's been tough at times to keep going, but I am still here and still trying.

[dollyvee]

Hey Mamatus,

I just wanted to say that I read what you wrote and am hearing what you're saying.

It's a difficult journey to embark on the stuff you're doing right now, and over time as you peel back the layers, you will learn different ways of coping with the things that are coming up. Not that it makes it any less easy.

Sending you support,
dolly

[NarcKiddo]

I'm sorry you are going through a particularly tough time.

I was glad to read that you have discovered the benefits of physical training for regulation. That works for me, too. I've also found anything repetitive that involves right brain is calming. For me colouring books and art (anything takes a long time and has lots of process) has been invaluable. Since you have worked in creative arts that might feel too much like work for you, I guess.

I've tried meditation and mindfulness but that does not work for me. My mind just shies away. I was perplexed because I had supposed mindfulness works for everyone. I assumed I was just useless at it. Then I discovered that if one has a trauma history it generally needs to be approached with more care. We have a window of tolerance that can be very, very small at first. It can be widened but it takes conscious effort and attunement to how you are actually feeling so you can pull back before overwhelm. I've heard it suggested that movement can help, which explains why I actually find a long slow walk on a treadmill often causes me to process all sorts of things I would keep well away from if lying down with my eyes closed. Moving feels like there is more of an escape route, I guess.

I hope things start feeling easier for you soon.

[Kizzie]

Hi Mamatus:

I'm sorry you are having a particularly tough time at the moment. Over the years here there seems to be two main ways members deal with the Inner Critic that work. The first is to challenge what it is saying to you. The second is to make peace with your ICr by talking with it and calming it (E.g., I know you're trying to help me stay safe by keeping me quiet, isolated and invisible but I've got this now, I will keep us safe). 

The first worked best for me because when I compared myself to those who abused me and others who were not exactly positive human beings, the criticisms just did not hold up. I began to see myself as what I truly am and that is a decent, caring person who does not hurt others.

Whatever works for you of course