Tough Time

[Mamatus]

Ive experienced what feels like a full collapse after many years of high-functioning, nonstop work in the creative arts. I was always someone who coped by pushing harder, achieving more, and staying productive.I never really relaxed - my favourite past time involved adrenaline and socialising always involved heavy drinking to overcome social anxiety I was unaware of.  I had to give away drinking some years ago now. That mode of life  worked for a long time until it didn't.

I grew up with intense and chronic emotional abuse from my mother (who has since passed). I don't think I ever properly processed the trauma even with weekly therapy. Over the past year, major life stressors — family, financial pressure, responsibility — seem to have fused with that earlier trauma, and everything has started to feel existential. I now feel permanently stuck just getting through each day but without the tools to solve the looming problems.

My hardest part is the inner critic. I wake most mornings around 4:30am with intense, unbearable thoughts. By midday it usually eases somewhat. I train physically most afternoons, partly because it helps regulate me and gives me a bit of mental quiet later in the day.

I'm very interested in hearing from others who've had similar experiences. What helped? What didn't? Any perspective or lived experience would be appreciated.

It's been tough at times to keep going, but I am still here and still trying.