the next step

[NarcKiddo]

I think it is good to recognise how much grief there is. It's easy to overlook if one has not had a traditional bereavement to pin it on. I am realising right now that I have a lot of grief to process, too. I guess it goes with the territory.

 

[sanmagic7]

ooops, lost my page.

armee, thanks so much for the phrase 'without disabling' me.  i didn't have those words before, but yes, that's exactly what happens when i have/expel such strong emotions/feelings.  i do become disabled, just never thought of that term before.  it would be nice to find someone who will take that seriously when i tell them about it.  slower/smaller really is better for me. 

hannah1, thank you for that validation.  i do believe it affects all those little goodies we have inside, down to the cellular level.  whew!  that's a lot! 

NK, i agree, now that you mention it, that it is very easy to overlook if we aren't at a funeral, something tangible, that we have losses to grieve.  i like your comparison.  thanks so much for that. 

in a few hours a chat w/ a new T.  i have a good feeling about her.  and next Mon., a whole session w/ another one.  we'll see how it goes, 2 down, 2 out so far.  as my D was reading a list of candidates she'd found, one mentioned she was trained in EMDR Level 1.  i had to immediately nix her off our list.  there are 2 levels of EMDR basic training, (i've gone thru both of them), and for someone w/ complex trauma, i don't think Level 1 is enough experience and knowledge to deal with dissociation, DID, the complexities that come w/ my alexithymia. 

so, i've been culling the herd in this manner as well.  i'm watching out for 'parts' people, too.  maybe someday, but not now.  i think the one on mon. is big on attachment theory, and i can go along w/ that, except for the experience i had w/ the first T i contacted, where he was trying to guess and label my attachment levels.  so, i don't know.  there's so much stuff out there that wasn't around or being looked at when i was in practice, such as c-ptsd itself, i guess i'll have to wait and see.  as always.

[sanmagic7]

one step at a time . . .

[TheBigBlue]

I hope the meeting with the new T went okay, or at least felt workable. One step at a time really fits here. I'm thinking of you and hoping Monday brings a bit more clarity too.

[sanmagic7]

thank you, TBB - the session will be in about 3 hrs., so i'm sitting here in my anxiety waiting for it.  i do hope it goes smoothly.  this has been awfully stressful for me, and i'd like it to be done, get to the actual therapizing part and resume healing w/ help and guidance.

[Armee]

 

[TheBigBlue]

 

[SenseOrgan]

Good for you for knowing what you are and aren't looking for in a therapist! 

[NarcKiddo]

I hope you're making good progress in finding a new T.

 

[Hope67]

I hope your session went smoothly, thinking of you 

[Armee]

 

[sanmagic7]

thank you for that hug, armee. 

TBB, i appreciate your hug.  thanks.

thanks, SO.  it's taken a lot of time and a lot of fails to finally get to know this, know myself well enough to know this.  whew!

NK, i have, finally.  yay!  thank you!

hope, it went quite well.  thanks for thinking of me.

armee, it did.  i believe i have a winner.  thanks.

so, the T thing - she's very soft, gentle, no arrogance, and i believe she's exactly what i need for now.  i really do need to just stabilize right now, be heard, be supported.  she's not versed in alexithymia, but told me she'd do some looking into it, make a plan that she'll let me know about for next week.  that sounded good to me.  she also said she'd let me take the lead on what i need, cuz she thought i've done a lot of work on myself, and being a therapist, too, i also have some insight into what someone in my position might need.

i'm still on the 6-mo. waiting list for the other T, who seems more energized, ready to attack some of the dissociative stuff, but i don't believe i'm ready for that yet.  i had a meltdown in a group setting over the weekend cuz someone was kind to me and i've had that reaction before.  for years, actually.  it's that difficult for me to take kindness in - i gut-cry cuz i can actually feel it (which is unusual for me in the first place), something i've not had much of in my life, and this latest was from a man, something i've never had in my life.  it was wonderful, actually, to give in to it, but the tears can't help but explode out of me.

another indication of how damaged/wounded i am. 

so, yes, onward w/ this T.  she told me she mostly works w/ physically disabled people, and is focused on helping her clients live true to their values.  i don't know exactly what that might mean for me, cuz i don't really have a lot of overriding physical problems, like diabetes, heart condition, arthritis or the like, just my physical manifestations of emotional distress.  so we'll see what that means for me.  but i felt quite 'safe' with her, she didn't give off the vibe of 'i've been doing this for 20 yrs., there's nothing i haven't seen' which felt really good.  i felt respected, and that was unusual, but very nice.

[TheBigBlue]

here is to a "good enough T" 

[Chart]

Safe and respectful, those are exactly what everyone needs. So very very happy that this T filled that security need. They're out there, hard to find and difficult sorting through the various themes and personalities, but they do exist. Looking forward to hearing how things progress.
Much love and support, San! Thinking about you very often.
 

[Armee]

 

That sounds about perfect.