Desert Flower's Recovery Journal

[TheBigBlue]

(For those who this is ok)

[Desert Flower]

 
Thank you all, dear friends. Your words mean so much to me.

[sanmagic7]

 

[Desert Flower]

Janina Fischer wrote: "It cannot feel over if you are still taking care of those who harmed you [...]." (Transforming the Living Legacy of Trauma, page 102, bottom) and that is what I had been trying nonetheless.

This has been the first Christmas without my mother (who died a little over half a year ago). I did not and do not miss her (I keep repeating this). It was the calmest Christmas ever in my mind. I did not know it could be so calm. Like clear water without even a ripple. No worries whatsoever about what she might think of me. None. I am clear. It is so radically different from a year ago, when I knew what was going on but still felt obliged to take care of her and I felt soooo stressed. And so different from all the years before, when I had no idea what was going on at all and of why I was feeling so bad all the time.

I am looking back on 50 years of being stressed out over everything, being the stress while now, sometimes, I feel what I call 'the baseline'. It is the way I feel when I am not stressed at all. It has been rare but it is here sometimes. And I felt it a few times these past couple of days. It is awe-some and wonder-ful to me. Utter calm. So strange to me.

Today, walking through town, I was observing the world. Being a spectator to the world, while being conscious of myself too. It feels so different. I seem to be here.

I have been dreaming:

(I have recurring dreams of pets needing my care and me being unable to adequately take care of them because they keep multiplying, running rampant etc.) I dreamt that one of the guinea pigs kept escaping, running away, and me being the only one able to catch it, me catching it repeatedly and the guinea pig becoming more and more bruised and battered every time I retrieved it.
This one, to me, means I'm trying to take care of myself, falling and falling again, making the same mistakes over and over. But I am the only one who can really take care of me.
I want to start learning from my 'mistakes' (that is, I want to 'catch' myself before I derail again, taking better self care, setting clearer bounderies to stay within my window of tolerance).

And another dream was made up of healing, nothing else but healing, being allowed to heal, taking the time to heal, in a somewhat hospitalised and safe environment. It is time to heal me.

(I think there was another dream that meant something, but I forgot. I may add it later.)


(I've been thinking about this 'No Contact' with FOO concept. I had not heard of it before I came here. But I had been NC with most of my family (except for my mother, different - more difficult - story) in practice for a long time already. It hadn't been a conscious choice but I really had never felt any need to see them, we had never been close or fit in anyway. And half a year ago at my mother's funeral, I saw the whole family again after many many years and it was so strange, we were all behaving so 'nicely', I was fawning of course, and now I don't think I'll ever see any of them again. We can now quietly let each other go our seperate ways again.)