Post-Traumatic Growth Journal

[SenseOrgan]

So....late. I had even brought a small foldable keyboard with me to connect here (I properly dislike typing on a smartphone), but ended up never using it. Just too busy. And when not busy, too exhausted. It's an odd thought that a tiny pill every evening enabled me to do this. Good enough sleep equals good enough functionality during the day. For various reasons I squeezed every drop out of it when I had the chance. Work all day. I have the most peace of mind at home when I try to get things done over there as best I can. During the last week or so there wasn't any sun to speak off, so I severely limited the use of my phone too. 

Desert Flower
And carry water... Literally did both 

sanmagic7
Sometimes when I'm over there I get in the zone, so to speak. I remember when this first happened, it felt almost as if I was dancing with the trees and the environment. I wish I could be there more often and shorter. But it's also highly taxing, so that's not realistic. It's always an odd mixture of wonderful and horrible to be there. People usually think it's due to the rough circumstances I live in over there, but that's not it. The same would apply if I had a nice, cosey house there. Anyway, I do very much appreciate I have the opportunity to go here every once in a while. A lot has happened to me personally on this land. It kickstarted a deep personal transformation, years ago. I feel a connection with it, even though it never fails to kick me in the teeth too, since so much of it is overwhelming. I shouldn't be doing this. And I absolutely should.

Papa Coco
Yep. That's it. Or at least it was for the first week or so. It was great to experience that on the land, especially considering in what state I was here years ago. This time, slowly, contraction started to replace more and more of this expanded state. The beingness while working morphed into more mind identification and the internal pressure to get certain things done within this limited time here. I also had some bad nights, on meds, that had a bad influence on my energy level and mood. By the end, I felt a deep sadness often. But I kept going, because I know this is what I wanted to have done when back home. And I feel good about it now I am actually home again.

This time I wasn't there all by myself the whole time. I did meet up with a new neighbor and a guy I know from years ago. Both were good experiences. I also kept in touch with a good online friend the whole time. All of this is new for me. So even though it kicked in quite heavily eventually, I did manage to stay away from my tendency to tough things out on my own more than ever. And I reaped the fruits of my previous efforts here. Quite literally. I never imagined it to get to this point. Since the jungle grows back so aggressively those 49 ish weeks a year I'm not there. I work insanely slow, compared to how things are done nowadays, and part of me really is okay with not achieving anything, so I'm a bit surprised to start seeing results. I kinda don't know how to deal with succes, if you can call it that. This is a side of long-term C-PTSD too, I think.

My journey back home was rough. I was in an EF when I actually got home. Coming back to an empty home was triggering. I guess this makes it relatively easy for me to go to this off grid place for a while. The loneliness hit me hard at home. It landed on top of many triggers during the return journey. Since my triggering encounter with the police, going through customs at airports has become a lot more triggering for me. Also uniforms and sirens on the street. It was bad this time. Once I arrived in a city, the sirens landed me in a paranoid state. I knew it wasn't realistic, but I was actually afraid uniforms were coming for me. It's shocking to see that I've typed this. It's actually what happened. I had a small walk to do and some time to kill, and decided it would be good to try to relax in a pastry shop, upon exiting the bus. It went so far as expecting uniforms to come in there to get me. Pretty paranoid, even though I knew this fear was irrational.

This hatch in my subconscious had been opened with the previous incident, and a crushing sense of guilt pours out sometimes ever since. It doesn't become concrete. But it's definitively not the sense of shame I know so very well. It's a different kind of ugly, terrifying, and overwhelming. Being in a foreign country plays a heavy part in this. Part of me doesn't want to travel anymore. Especially not by plane since the customs procedure is so triggering. It makes going to this plot of land such a risky endeavor to me. More than it already was. And yet it's not entirely new, this guilt and paranoia. It has come up more often, also during experiences with ayahuasca in an unsafe social container. It used to be buried deeper inside, but it's more on the forefront more often. My hunch is that it's preverbal, attachment trauma, manifesting through these symbols that feel similar.

Since it's so specific, I thought about trying EMDR for it. I feel like this fear is making my life yet smaller than it already was. I don't want it to limit my options even more, and I also really don't want to keep pushing myself through this without it getting any better. I wasn't planning to write such a negative entry. Definitely not all of this trip was. So I'll talk about it later. I'm still landing a bit at home, so it's still fresh. Yet I'm also largely out of of the storm with the help of a good friend. So the perfect moment to take some notes, because I know I can have forgotten this in just a week or so. I'm happy to be back here for sure and I hope you're doing well.

[Marcine]

Hi SO,
Travel requires such courage, to venture outside one's comfort zone—
plus, to navigate CPTSD-related challenges adds entire new layers to the notion of adventure...
It sounds like you stayed connected with yourself through the recent journey, ups and downs, which is always a positive accomplishment.
A phrase you wrote captured my imagination: "this hatch in my subconscious"... somehow I thought of a hatch in a submarine that opens at the surface, then seals when the sub sinks into the depths and disappears.
I am tracking the elusive subconscious activity in myself, and I never quite know what's going to vent out when the vessel surfaces and the hatches open.
Best to you.

[SenseOrgan]

Marcine
Thank you for your kind words. I guess some emotions are dissociated and flood me when the hatch opens. Indeed the sub can go pretty deep before it resurfaces sometimes. And when it does, I rarely saw it coming. This includes knowing that it may be coming. I have a bit of distance from it again now, and I see it as an invitation to proceed with the integration of these very difficult emotions, parked somewhere deep inside. They are a part of me, whether I like it, or believe I can handle them, or not. I do not want to fight them. I do not want to fight me. 


When I go to the land, one of my lifelines is a tiny mp3 player. It's loaded with audio books, podcasts, talks, and music. It's a lot more energy efficient than a smartphone, so it won't deplete my power bank. The visit before this one, I started making voice memo's with it, because the loneliness was difficult to deal with. I realized how it captures the state I'm in so much better than the memories that remain when I'm back. It also captures my tone of voice, and the speed of it. It was pretty awkward in the beginning, but it has become a lot easier to just let it roll, including silences. This time I made it a point to make a recording every day. Pretty much before going to bed. It was mostly the time when I had a few hours left and I was too tired to do much else but sit. So a good moment to just start blurting out what comes up. This afternoon I swapped the recordings to my computer. It's over 15 hours in total! It isn't exactly like my version of Wilson [Cast Away], but I'm getting there. 

It's a long story how I ended up here. Why I keep going is a bit of a mystery, even to myself. I don't give these things much thought anymore. Something profound happened to me with regards to chasing carrots, right on that part of earth. I'm infinitely grateful this happened. Nothing is up to me. Yes, I make choices, and I have preferences. I follow my intuition, end up in places and situations. And life goes how life goes. With or without my permission. The meaning I used to attach to achievements, insight, knowledge, isn't what it used to be. Something happened to who I thought I was. And what gives meaning. Most of the striving evaporated. Especially in the beginning. Yet my trauma stuff is alive and kicking. I have a lot of reactivity and rigidity going on. I feel like this is my curriculum, so to say.

There was a time when I pretty much was a solitary monk. There was nothing outside to fulfil. I had tried it all and collapsed when my big dream came true. No more seeking. The drive had stopped. It hasn't quite come back. But at some point I realized my actual challenge was to live life as a person, post cosmic joke. Not to avoid it. I do things without the investment I used to have in it. I've often wondered whether it's equanimity or anhedonia. I do actally care about things and about people. But There's a lot I just can't take really seriously anymore. And yet I'm quite serious. About trauma, for instance. And totally different from the class clown I used to be. It's way better how it is now. And how I relate to the few people who are in my life.

It's odd to do things almost drive-less. It's such a strange thing to say after taking pills, working so hard in a foreign country, and going through such a trigger fest during the travel. It's like I'm committed to whatever it is I'm doing, but I'm not attached to the outcome of my actions. I am not the center. In this, is a lot of peace. I feel blessed by this.

On the land, what needs to be done is overwhelming. And I just get to it. Full on. At home, there's a lot of emptiness, and I struggle to "do" life. Extreme ends of a spectrum. I'd like to exist more in the middle. In every situation, more social connection is needed. I'm looking for ways to make it more central to my existence, wherever I am, and whatever I do.

[Chart]

 

[sanmagic7]

SO, quite a journey!  i actually thought of the idea of tone of voice as you did your recordings, as compared to writing down your thoughts.  i can imagine it would make a big difference.  my solo trips off the grid were my road trips.  at the time, i had no phone, no computerized car, was completely off the grid and on my own for however long - a weekend, a week, depending on where i was going.  but the feeling of freedom was paramount for me.  unlike you, i did not feel lonely, but that may have been because i think i was escaping home life and its problems at the time.  still, those were my favorite times during that period of my life.

i do hope you are able to make some real life connections going forward.  it sounds like you're ready.  glad you're back and well.  love and hugs