Healing journal (tw) Angering / strong emotions

[NarcKiddo]

I've been catching up with your journal. Sorry about the freezer debacle. That sucks.

I was interested to read about your consideration of what to do with the dog mementoes. Like you, I have photos and memories and feelings of mine. In fact, my husband and I talk about them or refer to them every single day. I kid you not. It's not a maudlin, how much we miss them sort of a way, but more like the attitude to life they had and how much we could learn from it. One was a cheeky little chap up for adventure any time and the other was very staid and particular, demanding that every single day be the same as the day before. Both attitudes have their up and down sides. Everyone's different but despite how they are still very much alive to me there are certain things of theirs I simply cannot part with. Their leads and harnesses hang in their places to this day, some 6 years since they went on ahead. I don't really notice them there any more but I certainly would notice their absence. Anyway, I'm banging on way too much in your journal now.

I'd like to have friends in IRL and at the same time ... I wonder if the trade off is worth it.

This really resonated. I am sorry you have to contend with the issues you mention. There are aspects of that here (UK) but not as much as the media would have us believe. It's very much in pockets. For me the trade off is more about the risk of having maybe some closer human interactions that might not work out so well. But I think your sentiment probably applies to most people on this forum, even if their fears are not about the same thing.

I'm happy to read that you are progressing towards becoming your own best friend. That's so important and a very worthwhile endeavour. It's also really hard for us folks, so it's nice to be able to cheer on a fellow traveller.

[StartingHealing]

Hi NarcKiddo.

In regards to the IRL friends thing .. The native Nation that I'm a member of has an outreach group located in the metropolis where I currently reside.  They are having a IRL meetup this coming weekend.  BBQ, meet and greet some tribal leaders, etc.  Members only thing, which I'm a member.  4 hours long.  I am attending and going to see what happens.   Sometimes just showing up is the biggest thing.  since it's a "private group" thing then my concern about the crazy that currently exists here is not as strong as if it was a event in a public space.

To many instances of folks getting filmed, film is edited, and uploaded because the poster is seeking validation, or something for their echo chamber, or for public roasting and someone's reputation gets smoked for likes and clicks. Usually the males of the species.  With how... I lack the words .. toxic? childish? foolish? stupid?  people are with posting online, about everything.. Nah. I'll pass.  I think that sometime next quarter I will get a body cam of some type.  Any more I'm guilty until I can prove I'm innocent.

As far as the fur people that have gone on before me.  There are many.  A solid bakers dozen.  I'm not trying to "forget" but at the same time, how many mementos you know?  I mean even with a EMP that smokes all electronics that's not going to effect my memories. (Yeah, I have the vids / images digitally, plus two external drives that are exclusive for backups)   That reminds me, need to print out a couple of photos of each, ones that somehow captured the who that they are. 

Got to get back after it.  Work and all

Wishing all here all the best.

[sanmagic7]

hey, SH, i think it sucks that you have to watch out for what you say and do for fear of being taken out of context. from a female perspective, i'm sorry men have been painted with a broad brush.  i've had this conversation w/ men, and they've learned that one big difference between us is the idea that when they walk out the door, they're not worried about being violated.  most women do, at least all the ones i've spoken w/.  my gal pal just got herself some pepper spray at 76. i think it's horrible that we've come to this.

i hope your tribal gathering goes well for you.  i've been to several powwows in my life, and they've always been one place i did feel safe and welcomed, even if ignored.  but it always felt warm and natural for me. i wish i could do more of it. so, i hope you can enjoy and feel a part of something wonderful.  love and hugs

[StartingHealing]

Hi San.

Honestly, most guys my age have known for a very long time that the world outside is a very dangerous place for us fellas. Yeah, I know the narrative that has been pushed that the gals are more at risk but that is intentional propaganda.  The stat's bear that out. Even with them being manipulated. 

Another thing to remember is modern society is soo crazy safe than what life was like compared to 1900's that the contrast is totally night and day in difference.  I mean think about it.  Grocery stores as we know them didn't exist before the 1950's.  The interstate highways (at least in the country I live) didn't even start until late 1940's.  If a generation is 30 years, it's not very many generations back to where hauling water was a common thing, and if you needed to cook, better be good with fire, and the sailing ships was the means of transport or if it was land based horses were it.  Every time us humans "leveled up" the world we experience up till recently got safer and safer over all.  Now though things are going the other way and lots of folks don't know how to handle / how to deal with it. 

Admittedly the human carpet bomb of unregulated immigration has really increased the general level of danger for all of us. 

Even back in the day though there were places that folks didn't go after dark.  The old adage of "don't go looking for trouble".  Not because of anything that the talking heads were preaching, wasn't about race, economic status, etc.  It's that trouble seems to congregate in certain loosely defined areas. Always been that way as far as I have been able to find. 

Makes sense to me anyway.  I mean birds of a feather you know?  There has always been a den of iniquity.  Just is. 

I'm looking forward to Sunday.  I'll see what is the what.  I'm working really hard to not get my hopes up. The powwows that I have been to have been cool. 

Wishing all here all the best
 

[sanmagic7]

i hope sunday is something meaningful for you, SH.  love and hugs

[StartingHealing]

11/14/25

I really don't know how to explain what is slowly coming together in my mind.  It appears to me at this time that there is a huge amount of behaviors going on in " society " and the behaviors of the BPD former spouse.  I wonder if this is me seeing things that are not there because of the learnings I had to get through to save myself or is this something that is actually going on?  I also admit that I carry the mindset? hm, expectations? something like that from the era that I grew up in. 

Back in the day, it was a point of pride that a person no matter their sex could handle their own fecal matter. Making a living, figuring out life as it went, having the agency of and for themselves.  Did the parental units (joke) provide support?  Yes, but they were more like advisors rather than people who were actively engaged in maintaining childhood dependence. 

Then again maybe it was because of the era and location.  Farming communities had / have a totally different take on things that the urban mono-culture has.  Growing up where there wasn't this thing about whether the plumbing was external or internal.  Where a person's word, that was their bond, that it wasn't a oppressor / oppressed dynamic.  It was simple, basic, took into account biology, and all the ways that biology expressed.  Who was better at something?  How did that fit into the over arching thing of making a living.  There wasn't this ... manufactured divide that in retrospect is manufactured to achieve what is being seen today. 

IDK, doing the self debate of what I'm perceiving. Because if I am right, then that will allow me to start finalizing the direction that I feel myself being drawn to while also figuring out how to navigate the crazy that currently is in play in this urban he77scape that I have woken up to.

Have a chiropractic appt this morning followed by a new freezer being delivered / old one picked up.  Then the rest of the day .. IDK, perhaps I'll start sorting through things, get rid of more debris from the past.

Wishing all here, all the best

[sanmagic7]

[quoteBack in the day, it was a point of pride that a person no matter their sex could handle their own fecal matter. Making a living, figuring out life as it went, having the agency of and for themselves.  Did the parental units (joke) provide support?  Yes, but they were more like advisors rather than people who were actively engaged in maintaining childhood dependence. ][/quote]

i don't know what 'day' you're talking about, but back in my day, when i asked my mom to show me how to cook or clean, she told me 'you'll have plenty of time to learn when you get married'.  the assumption was there, my path was already chosen by that society's norms, and my mom gave me no advice on how to generate 'agency' on my own behalf.

i'm not trying to argue with you, SH, just letting you know that i see different perspectives depending on upbringing, timing, parental guidance (or lack thereof), emotional, mental, physical issues, all of which play a part on how a person can get along in life.  our traumas can also push back on us, rendering us quite unable to get along according to others' expectations.  i think that's part of the beauty of diversity - differing viewpoints, ways to see the world, ways to see ourselves. 

i wish all of us had been given everything we needed to get along in the world on our own, be able to take care of ourselves adequately and without help, and enjoy living day to day w/o fear or anxiety. 

and, i just wanted to mention, speaking to your former post, that when i spoke of womens' fear of men, it was not due to propaganda, but due to our personal experiences.  I don't know any woman who i've talked to about this who has not been sexually assaulted physically or verbally in some way, shape, or form without permission, by some man, either known or unknown, in private or in public.   just for myself, it's happened from strangers, husbands, in public, in private, at the workplace when i was 16 from the manager there.  so, no, i wasn't speaking from hearsay, reports, court cases, nothing out in the public that might be considered propaganda.  just from some of us gals chatting on what it's like being a woman.  and we are afraid now.

so, once again, different experiences for different people.  trauma does that.  all the more reason i admire and respect the people on this forum. there are some extremely difficult situations people here have lived thru, that have wounded them in so many ways, some to the point that, like me, are unable to support ourselves, take care of ourselves, be independent like we want to.  i am thankful every day, tho, that my D is here, helping me make it thru life and living.  she is kindness and respect personified, and i learn to be more like that every day.  so, maybe not so much childhood dependence in my case, but adult dependence now.  we're all so different, aren't we?  love and hugs