Papa Coco's Recovery Journal

[StartingHealing]

 

[Dark.art.girl]

Papa Coco,

No one deserves to feel like this. Things we can't control are terrifying, like the unknown. Especially if you are feeling vulnerable.

I kind of understand what you're going through in a way. I've noticed that when I feel like I'm doing well mentally I try to control other aspects of my life and get scared or agitated over whether or not it goes my way. It's definitely a constant battle.

Sending love & safety your way.

[Papa Coco]

Dark.Art.Girl,

That was a profound comment: When you're feeling well mentally, you try to control other aspects and get scared or agitated.

I'm going to ponder this one for a while. Good food for thought

Also, I just figured out a few minutes ago, that empowerment is a fear-buster. I've been in situations where to help someone else, I needed to go into the worst parts of town unarmed. During those times, I wasn't even remotely afraid. I was one of the helpers. I felt empowered. The more empowered I feel, the less fear i carry. I guess that makes sense, right? Empowerment is the opposite of afraid.

As I age, I lose more and more feeling of empowerment, so therefore, the fear grows in the spaces where the empowerment vacates.

Food for thought.

Thanks for the love from you, and also from StartingHealing.

[sanmagic7]

i agree, PC, that with age the feeling of empowerment lessens.  we aren't as strong as we used to be, i know i'm not mentally as quick as before in sorting things out, coming up w/ viable solutions, not as quick on my feet - i couldn't outrun a baby anymore.  as someone once said, growing older is not for  . . . well, everyone, i guess, yet it's inevitable that we grow older so we have to make adjustments, including adjusting to the facts that we're not the way we used to be.  it's tough stuff, for sure.

driving has been a rough one for me.  i used to drive across the country by myself to visit another country, take weekend trips on my own to other parts of my country, enjoyed the freedom of being on the road alone, and had no cares or worries about what might happen.  that is not my truth anymore.  there are a few places around town i feel ok in driving to and from, but otherwise anxiety grips me.  what was is no more in so many ways. 

like i've said before to others - hang tough - i'm hangin' right beside you.  you're not alone is this.  love and hugs

[Papa Coco]

 
San, 

Your comments that I'm not alone in this, and that we're in this together mean a lot. The only passion I have left in life is to feel connected with other souls who I resonate with. And I resonate with your post big time.

Driving was my passion too until recent years. I've done a lot of cross-country road trips. It used to be relaxing to just take a drive when stress was bothering me. As a teen I even wanted to be a long haul truck driver so I could drive for a living, (and also, I had romanticized the life of living on the road, as many people did back in the 1970s). But fear has taken that joy of mine away also. I plan my entire life around traffic lulls now because I hate being in traffic so bad. Traffic ignites my Fight/Flight response really bad. I hate feeling trapped. And I'm fearful of all the things that can go wrong while driving: Mechanical issues, road rage, accidents, road closures, etc.

I have learned, over the last couple of years, that a traumatic childhood can lead to a glass-half-empty mindset for life. We, CPTSD sufferers can have a strong lean toward always waiting for the other shoe to drop. We know how bad things can get, so we can't forget that.

Again: the gray area for me is I'm still trying to find the line between natural fears associated with natural aging, versus Trauma fears that come from a difficult past.

[sanmagic7]

PC, i totally get the 'times it's safer to drive' thing!  where i live, it seems most accidents happen at intersections, so those are the places, especially in the afternoon when work's getting out, i'm more cautious than ever before.  and more scared.  and, yep, i have those fears you mentioned as well.  driving, especially on the road, so to speak, was my 'safe' place, and that's taken away now.  it doesn't leave us w/ a lot, does it.

i hate that we have to go thru this. fyi.

as far as what's trauma based and what's natural, i'm not sure either.  maybe they're intermixed for us now. my ex had terrible road rage, and i know there are others out there like that, for no reason except what was in his mind and how he perceived some perfectly normal (to me) lane-changing or whatever.  he took it completely personally, like they were doing it to him on purpose to make a fool out of him or something.  so, yeah, i think some of it is mixed.  my reflexes aren't as quick as they used to be, so i'm going to make some inadvertent mistakes once in a while, but how those might be perceived by others?  well, who knows?  fingers crossed and prayers flyin', for the most part.

we'll figure it out, or it won't really be worth figuring out, and we'll just do the best we can with what we've got.  or so i want to believe.  love and hugs

[Papa Coco]

San.

I'm going to totally get on board with your comments that maybe it's not worth figuring out which fears come from which source. We are who we are because of everything we've been through. Whether we remember going through it or not, we went through it and it shaped us and now we are who we are.

A bunch of today's most current authors on trauma are starting to teach that we need to stop dividing our internal parts within ourselves, and to love and embrace every part of ourselves, even the broken parts. My IFS parts, even the ones that give me trouble, want to be loved. And if I can love everything in my life, even the pain and suffering, then I'm gaining the love I need for my healing.

So I try to catch myself now whenever I get down on myself for dropping something, or losing something, or breaking something by remembering to love my clumsiness as a part of who I am. The holistic feeling of loving even the parts of myself I didn't used to love, is reeeeealy empowering. The love grows quickly. Even through my Autumn Anxiety, I suffer, but I love my suffering-self as much as I love any other part of my Self, and it seems to be giving me a new sense of inner strength and stability.

It feels like I've been broken into pieces my whole life, and those pieces are starting to come back together. I feel like I'm becoming less fractured, more like I'm being put back together.

I'll talk more about this as I get comfortable with it. I'm only just getting started on self-love. I need some time to practice it and see if it lasts or if it's temporary.  But I will say this: If someone like me can learn to love myself holistically, then that's a powerful statement on the power of love. Up to now I couldn't even muster up enough self-love to be able to stand looking at myself in a mirror.