Post-Traumatic Growth Journal

[SenseOrgan]

NarcKiddo
Thank you for being here! Connecting while in an EF is usually very difficult for me to do. It was great to read your response so soon after I posted. I wasn't entirely alone with it anymore, which is a big thing. Your remark on the doubt highlighted something for me which has helped to get more cognition online, somewhat lower the intensity of the EF, and vaguely believe this is temporary. That's often about as good as it gets with these for me. Communicating about this with somebody who understands what it's like helps to put things in perspective. Just my own constructive cognition around it packs very little punch when the excrements hit the fan. There's no regulation like co-regulation for this regressed mind.

What you describe about your mother sounds awful. It's somewhat of a different dynamic, even though I recognize the dread that everything I said could be used against me at some point. I'm happy to hear you're out of the hellish EF now. Few! What a relief that is!


Desert Flower
Thank you for the validation and your support! It means a lot to be seen when reaching out. I figured out what tipped my boat this time, but unfortunately EF's will come out of the blue sometimes. I remember all those years before I knew about CPTSD and EF's, where this horror had free reign to undermine the little self worth I had left. An EF is still a free-fall, but I know in the back of my mind what's actually happening. Having that mirrored back to me and being met with such kindness while reaching out here is a kind of re-parenting I could never have imagined existed. For me this is where OOTS really shines. That's us!

********

How well integrating into this community of gardeners is actually going has been overshadowed by this EF. I'm still very new there, and not knowing most of the people and unclear rules represents danger. It varies to what degree this unsafety is in the foreground. So yesterday a couple of factors aligned, and before I knew it I was in an EF. Not having established relational safety yet, is the big thing here. I usually need a lot more than one positive encounter with a new person to feel safe to be me around them.

Authenticity and taking up space are strongly linked to danger for me. By what I was doing and these people showing up while I wasn't expecting it, I suddenly felt exposed and vulnerable. The positive feedback I got from the woman didn't overrule this. Shame kicked in to get me out of danger. I want to learn to find safety in relating and am willing to take calculated risks for it, but the old script has anything but been replaced.

It's the same mechanism as what happens to the war vet hearing firecrackers. In a split second I'm practically reduced to a little boy again, having only being alone as a refuge. It did come as an ugly surprise this time, since nobody said or did anything to trigger me. It was me exposing me to people that weren't there when I started. The risk I was taking became bigger while I was taking it. From a neuroception perspective at least.

On another day this wouldn't necessary have been such a big trigger. Yesterday I felt physically weak and I was even trembling a bit when I arrived. It's impossible to always tell how serious to take such effects of a chronic sleep disorder. Sometimes it disappears while I become active and it was a good idea, sometimes it gets worse and I better quit. For the physical side of things this has become such a given, that I no longer have to give it much thought. I'm very pragmatic. Landing in an EF like that is a different story than feeling physically off. That's a high price to pay. It's frustrating that how big of a risk I'm taking partially depends on something that isn't always obvious. I don't want to always play safe, which I think is a good thing. I think I should be more careful in this phase, and cut myself more slack when I feel off. I have plenty of space to do so.

The good news is that it's the next morning now, and I'm already out of the EF despite having had another terrible night. I'm not discouraged to continue with the garden, and I can appreciate more of the safety potential the positive feedback indicates. I'm not in catastrophising mode anymore. Even though the trigger hasn't completely left my body, I'm back to the present moment, being more of an adult. 

One thing I gather from this episode, is that it would be good to be more clear on what I'm going to do in the garden when I go there. This strengthens my sense of purpose and permission to be there, which makes whatever other people may think of me less relevant. It's something I need to actively put into my working memory for it to be strong enough to last. Focus matters. I know from experience that this can have a significant impact on how I show up.

[NarcKiddo]

Sorry to hear you had another terrible night, but I'm happy that you are now out of the EF. Since you recognise that the trigger has not completely left your body (well done for spotting that!) please take extra care of yourself over the next couple of days. In my experience an EF can sometimes ebb and flow a little before it goes completely, so you could be more vulnerable to triggers for a little while.

Your thoughts about having a clear objective for your visits to the garden make sense. I don't know how you tend to react if plans are thwarted. I'm thinking, for example, that there might be practical issues like the ground being muddier than expected. Or other people being around and friendly, and it might be good for you to engage with them a bit, but if you have a rigid plan you might not take a good opportunity for that because your plan does not allow the time. Maybe it could help to have a somewhat flexible objective, like maybe 3 stages of must do (to be achieved come what may, but a very small aim you know you can achieve), followed by do if possible, and then some nice to do things if you find yourself with more time on your hands. Just a thought. Ignore of not helpful.

 

[Papa Coco]

Sense Organ,

Wow I can really resonate with so much of your Oct 16 post and your EF. I rejoiced a bit for you when you said that you are a little bit better at accepting compliments than you used to be. I do also totally understand how, after you'd enjoyed having been complimented, the EF came back to bite you anyway. We are healing slow and steady, I guess. I see the period of positivity from the compliment to the EF as a win. You had a few minutes where you were able to accept a compliment. That's HUGE!

It sounds, by your writing, that you logically know you have nothing to feel shame over, but there's that relentless Trauma coming in to rain on your parade anyway. Trauma truly does have a mind of its own. In Attuned, Author Thomas Hubl teaches that trauma has an intelligence of its own. It sure feels that way to me. I suffer when times are bad and then, thanks to trauma, I also suffer when things are good.  I feel shame when I accept praise from people for doing things I'm clearly good at doing. Like you with your garden. Obviously, you are good at making beautiful gardens, so people compliment you, and trauma comes along and says that we don't deserve or even trust compliments.

This morning you wrote that you're feeling a little better. I'm very glad to read that. In my own life, I find that the EFs don't hang around as long as they used to. I hope that's what's happening with you also. 

Progress, I guess. If I'll stop trying to be cured, maybe I can enjoy the journey as I enjoy any small steps in progress that I can make.

I hope your day continues to improve.

PC.

[Desert Flower]

Hi Sense Organ, I'm glad today was better already. And you did do the turning around yourself too. Very good.
And I'm impressed by how well and detailed you describe what was actually causing the EF. You are learning and growing tremendously.

And

I remember all those years before I knew about CPTSD and EF's, where this horror had free reign to undermine the little self worth I had left. An EF is still a free-fall, but I know in the back of my mind what's actually happening.

That resonated with me big time. It's such a difference to at least know what's going on.