Post-Traumatic Growth Journal

[Papa Coco]

SenseOrgan, San and Chart,

I read in one of the recent books (I've been reading a lot from people like Gary Zukav, Pete Levine, David Hawkins, Robert Monroe, and a few others, so I'm not always able to remember which said what, but I remember what they said), that our brains find various different comforts in various different quadrants, and when we find comfort in support from our teachers, it soothes a different part of the brain than when we find comfort in the support from our peers.

I used that little tidbit of knowledge to help myself understand why it is so wonderful to have a therapist AND friends. The therapist comforts one part of my brain, while friends comfort another part, and I get a more rounded sense of belonging through having both.

This forum is one of the most amazing forums I've ever found on any topic. I have Jeeps, so I'm on Jeep forums. I've joined woodworking forums, and I've tried about three other trauma forums, none of which have the soul that this one has.

I am always glad to hear that my inputs are helpful because I always feel helped by the responses from you all also.

What we do for each other is we help that one part of the brain that feels alone on a peer level. I need that as badly as you do, and the kindness and compassion of the people on this forum are just what that part of my brain needs.

SenseOrgan, I'm very glad you joined this forum and that it's helping you in similar ways as it is to San, Chart, and many, many others.

I have a motto I refer to a lot: We're stronger together.  Also, I sometimes say that I can handle a world of bullies if I have at least one trusted friend at my side. It's always amazing to me too that the friend doesn't have to be standing right next to me. It can be someone I share posts with from across the globe, and the magic of the compassion we have for one another transcends the distance.

 

[Chart]

  
Absolutely. Like a tripod, I believe I'm still standing because of the people I've connected with through this forum. It's only one leg, but otherwise I'd be flat on my face.

[SenseOrgan]

Thank you all very much! 

Last night I woke up from an intense feeling of loneliness. I was sleeping on an air mattress in the living room. Another heat wave is hitting. Both aren't helping sleep. Eventually I managed to fall asleep again. I had a horrible nightmare. Grotesque and drenched with worthlessness. Reminiscent of the night terrors I used to have so often.

This morning I can't shake the thought of being a complete failure in life. On all fronts. I'm terribly depressed. Suicidal thoughts keep popping up. Another day of nothingness. Just me, surviving on my own. The golden cage of being on disability.

I remember writing a positive entry here not long ago. Gardening and connection. It vaporized. Two triggers with my mom and I spiraled out. I've gone pretty much no contact for now because it hit me so hard. I lost all momentum and words for what I had to say.

I need to speak my truth. Imploding was how I survived her. Not existing was what got me through. And it ruined everything. I became nothing. Unmanifest potential. At first out of avoidance. Later, by the fallout of the stress. I tried. Everything I could. I still do. And I never blossomed. Nowhere near. I don't want to die like this.

[Chart]

SO, the last line you wrote caused me to break into tears. I so understand and know and experienced something similar with my mother. My mother has just done me in again (last week) and it took me over a week to start again feeling a little more "normal"... which is still anxious and desire to stay in bed. I am sure I only move because other people (my innocent children) are dependent upon me. They are my golden portal, but that being said, I'd never manage to do what I'm doing without that force. On my own, I'd be as powerless.

All that doesn't help you. And I want to help you. So, I'm here reading your words. Understanding them as though I'd written them myself. I see and feel the value and power in you as only a super-hero empath (that we both are) can. It's not ego, it's truth. You are a phenomenal person, SO. You are also so very very sensitive. For whatever reason, Nature gave you "that" brain. It is our curse.

BUT!!! We will find the way to transform it. We will change. We are changing.

Note: this h*ll you're feeling WILL NOT LAST (as) LONG. It will pass and more rapidly than in the past. Don't stop. Meditate, exercise, cold shower... whatever your work/regime of healing is, don't stop. Keep up the healing routine. Grasp onto it and continue. Don't let the trauma win. You are far stronger than it. You are iron... it just doesn't "feel" that way. But the truth is something else.

I'm sending love and hugs and anything else you could want or need. I'm here. And I'm not going to leave you.

  

[sanmagic7]

i'm here, too, SO.  you're not alone in this. hang tough, ok?  we're hangin' right beside you.  sending love and a hug filled with comfort, care, and strength.

[Desert Flower]

Dear SO, I know I've been away and I do apologize. Somehow I did not want to come to the forum for a while.

But I read your post and I hope you're reading this and I want to help. Like Chart says, this EF, like the heatwaves in our country, they will pass. I know when you're in them, it feels like they will never, but they will. Sometimes all it takes is just a little shift in your mind, maybe a kind word from a friend. I know you want the pain to end and you don't deserve it and you are getting better. And I know how these mothers can trigger us, it's so difficult, maybe especially when they don't know what they're doing. But we know. And we're here with you.

 

[SenseOrgan]

Papa Coco
A unique kind of validation and connection happens between people who carry such a heavy burden, and are done suffering in silence and isolation. Just like art can do, I see my own experience reflected in the sharings and responses of others. I feel a connection that's deeper than the suffering. The pain humbles, and reveals our shared humanity. I haven't come across this silver lining elsewhere, to the degree you guys make it happen here. This is beautiful. 

It's very difficult for me to reach out while I'm in deep despair. The fact that I have done this a few times, is because it's safe here. It's a different kind of safe than an appointment with a therapist can offer. OOTS feels more organic. Closer to life as it normally is. I'm just a member of this tribe, so to speak. If I ever felt invited to share from a vulnerable place on a forum, it's here.

I like the idea of a multi-pillar support system. We're complex creatures. A rounded sense of belonging sounds about as good as it gets, doesnt it? To me, it's also much broader than the focus on trauma alone. Having fun with JEEPS, or woodworking can be equally as therapeutic. It all makes you greater than the sum of your parts, I guess [pun intended].

Definitively, we're stronger together. And happier and healthier overall. I remember the pre-internet era very well. It's absolutely amazing we can connect like this, so many miles apart. Even though I'm looking at words on a screen, heart felt connection happens. We're wired for connection, no matter how traumatized.


Chart
Thank you big time for your kindness and compassion. I honestly struggle a bit to let it all in [self esteem issue]. It means a lot to me finding your reply here after reaching out in such despair. This is the depth of developmental trauma. You know what I mean. Everything screams not to reach out and to reach out at the same time. I felt incredibly selfish for posting, only on my own journal. There's never a bad enough situation for my ICR to justify doing that. In the torrent of emotion I was not aware, that posting IN this state and being met with kindness is what is healing. You've been a big help in having this land, somewhere nonverbal. It normalizes connecting when I feel bad, and questions the validity of my extreme impulse to isolate. Experientially, how a child actually learns and what sticks. This is the kind of prediction error I need. Over and over.

It reminds me of PSIP, where we're looking to go to these places and this time stay connected with a safe other. The lack of connection is what creates the stuckness, the despair, and the sense of infinity with them. The connection is the solution that gets introduced, which changes the quality and meaning of the experience completely. This is what I imagine co-regulation would feel like for a young child.

I became a child again, and this time I wasn't alone. Even though I physically was. It was really hard to let your support in. This is what has come up in PSIP session too. Me checking out from social engagement happens under extreme emotions and automatically. I resort back to relying on my own. The only place that was safe for me. I was just aware enough, and you were safe enough, for me to choose connection. Even though it was only barely a conscious decision. Having this clarity now, I can see this was very therapeutic.

Past, present, and imagined future all mixed into a horrible cocktail in my experience. I'm out of it now, and it's clear I was experiencing through the thick filter of a very distant past. If the healing process is like peeling an onion, the toughest parts come last. Knowing what's going on hardly affects my experience when this deep into it. I guess that's also not what's needed. Re-dissociation from what actually arises isn't helping. Even though I'd go for it in a heartbeat in the moment if I could. Not being alone with it is the secret sauce for processing this type of trauma. It makes the container for these massive feelings large enough to hold them and to gradually have them mean something else than imminent death.


sanmagic7
Thank you for being here! It means a lot to see your reply here after reaching out in such a terrible state. I felt your kindness and care. It helps.


Desert Flower
Hi there! Thank you very much for stopping by and for your kind words. It's an amazing experience to be showered in so much kindness. It's a little challenging in it's own right, but I'm not complaining :-). I very much appreciate your support. I'm letting it in as best I can.

I've wondered how you were doing, but I leave it up to you if, when, and how to share. Please do not apologize for being away from the forum. Good to see you again. I'm cheering you on to keep following your inner compass.

[Chart]

I'm not sure I would dare, or rather it would take me an eternity to "see" the true behavior of my mother were it not for the gentle shifts of perspective that forum members give me. So many times I've read of the behavior of others' foo and felt anger and frustration and sadness for the pain inflicted on the person, only to realize that when similar circumstances fall upon my own head, I doubt, self-blame, hesitate, question and feel guilt. It's this contrast, brought to my awareness through the experiences of others that gives me more and more ammunition for saying "stop". "Witness the madness, Chris! This kind of behavior is unacceptable..." Seeing through the etes of others offers a mirror on my own experience. And I can so easily...
Zut, being called back to work... merde :-)

[Papa Coco]

SO,

The loneliness is the deepest pain for me. We're not truly alone, but because of our traumas we feel like we are. And that feeling is what others can't understand, but those of us who feel it, we understand. I know the darkness of the loneliness. I'm very sorry to hear you're feeling so alone, but I'm glad that you are sharing your feelings with the forum. It's always heartwarming to see other OOTS members respond with compassion to any of us who reach out.

I'm alone too. I'm awake all night too. My heart hurts with yours.

PC

[sanmagic7]

hey, SO, i'm so glad for you that you can feel safe enough to connect to others here, even if only by 'screen'.  i agree, somehow it feels organic and right and i've been in a lot of support groups before, live and online, and this one has been a life-saver to me.  it feels more real and supportive.  just glad we're all here.

i have that same thing in my head about the times when i'm feeling so bad that i don't write on others' journals.  still, with practice and assurance from the people here, it's getting less and less.  it really IS ok to simply get help and support without giving back.  dang, what a lesson to learn!  we're here for you as well as ourselves.  love and hugs

[SenseOrgan]

Chart
I'm not exactly sure if what your're alluding to is the same, but interacting here does help me see that I'm experiencing the present through the filter of the past. It helps to divert the needle from the often subtle, yet profound groove of the ICR, to anger and grief about what has been done to me and how it affects me still. It's easier to spot the ICR in others, than it is to notice it in myself. With it, and with the feedback and support I get here, that subtle yet very potent idea that it's somehow a character flaw looses power over me. Fully owning the indignation, rage, and pain of the little one is the validation too. With it, I don't view myself trough condemning eyes as a way to beat others to it.

What has passed for nuance and being reasonable in my mind, has often been the abandonment of myself. It's just not possible for me to catch all the stealthy manifestations of toxic shame, guilt, and fear on my own. Let alone act against them. The further I've regressed, the harder it is to see the difference between the above trinity that keeps me in check, and me. When I'm not aware, it's definitely them who run my life.

The recent triggers with my mom were mostly that. So pretty much not about the present. Basically all about the past. Exiles emerged, and I set a boundary to give them the space they need. Speaking their truth still needs to happen at some point. I haven't felt up for that thus far. It goes against everything that has kept me in check. I need to go against immense internal forces to go there. I'm going to pick my battle and come prepared. I didn't know all of this in the midst of it. My gut did, but my mind didn't yet. I always go with my gut. It's just becoming clear writing this. Mind has caught up, it seems.

It's also more complicated than the above suggests. After I reunited with my mom when I went no contact for five years, our relationship changed. We're seven years later now. How we relate to each other is different. A complicated relationship. But nowhere near as toxic as it used to be. Toxic elements are still there. We dance around a lot of stuff. It wouldn't be possible otherwise. I value the connection we have. My mom genuinely cares about me. She's not a clear cut evil narc, which is why I was in the dark for so long. There is a lot of unresolved * despite the relationship we now have. I'm not sure how to merge the two yet. What I do know is that I want to voice some things I've held in all my life. I owe this to myself, to the little one. A friend of mine said it made him think about a conversation one might have with a parent on her deathbed. I think he's right. There are huge loose ends here. I get the internal signal something needs to be done about that. Maybe I'm finally ready? 

Papa Coco
Thank you for saying this. I'm very sorry you understand what I mean, and I'm also very grateful you do. The loneliness is the deepest pain for me too. It used to be disguised as depression. When it finally broke through in it's rawness, it crushed me. I prefer having bouts of this extreme loneliness over years of deep depression. Except when I'm in the middle of it. Bringing connection to the little one who carries this burden is my most important job. It's a work in progress. My heart goes out to you too.

sanmagic7
I'm glad you feel that way about OOTS. Where we write on the forum is a bit of a therapeutic thing itself, isn't it? The forum wouldn't work if we'd only write on our own journals, off course. Sometimes it's the best thing to do. I honestly thought that reaching out here is only asking something of others. It's not how I feel if the tables are turned. Thanks for that mirror.

I struggle with overwhelm a lot. Having different conversations with different people, and having a lot of loose ends, sometimes brings stress with it. So that makes a forum bit complicated. I'd love to interact more than I do. I have to strike the right balance though. That said, OOTS is an awesome place. Just knowing it's here has immense value to me.

[Chart]