Dalloway´s Recovery Journal

[SenseOrgan]

I'm sorry you're struggling with this. I recently got hit with something similar after a very long time. It's okay to be "unreasonable" [at least in your own mind]. It's a healthy response to what happened. Part of the grieving process of the child you were, and the person you are today. It's a bitter pill to see the consequences of such a start, in so many aspects of life still. The freedom from this kind of bitterness is a byproduct of feeling all the hurt. I've had a very good taste of that for many years. I hope you have too. It seems to be a non-linear process. Sending you a big hug 

[Dalloway]

Thank you, SenseOrgan, for the big hug, it was very much needed and is very much appreciated. And I think you´re right in that it´s all a byproduct of better understanding my past and its connection to my present. It hurts and it can make me feel really helpless sometimes, but I´m glad that I´m not alone and people can relate. And in the times of more peace and clarity in my mind, I come to appreciate all the things I´ve learned and that I´m moving forward to feel better. It´s still hard when I think about it, but now I feel better about myself and my story. Maybe eventually I´ll learn how to accept and own it with all the stuff, good and bad.

[Desert Flower]

Hi Dalloway, I just wanted to say I'm sorry you're struggling too. Even if you posted this a while ago. I think it's a very natural feeling to have this rage about missed chances or what have you, that's why in my therapy 'the angry child' is one of the archetypes we worked with. What I mean to say is, you're certainly not alone with this. I think you are doing great recognising what's going on inside you. And I hope you can vent it in a non-harmful way.
 

[Dalloway]

Thank you, Desert Flower. It´s very frustrating to feel those things I wrote about above and now it´s turning against me in a form of a very negative and very critical inner voice. It sucks so much to have these feelings or should I say beliefs about myself and my worth. There are many things that were actively harming me in the past and doing that passively to this day because of their power over me and it´s very hard to untangle from them. I try not to abandon myself and side with that inner critic in mocking me, but it´s very hard.

[Dalloway]

I find it more and more difficult to concentrate on my personal growth and healing journey in a world that´s falling apart. Everything loses its meaning. It´s hard to find essence in everyday actions. I look around and see the objects surrounding me and creating my personal space, the proofs that I´m here right now, that I haven´t ceased to exist yet. And yet, my heart and soul is aching and this pain is the only thing that assures me that I´m still alive. The absurdity of existing in parallel with the death of thousands is what makes me question my very own existence. Everything feels out of context, in a vacuum, and the context itself is decomposing slowly, too. Where do I stand in this turmoil with my trauma and my deep knowledge of personal loss and suffering? How can I continue to live in a world that has stopped being the place I want to live in a long time ago? Where is my place in all this? Everything loses its meaning. Words don´t describe the pain sufficiently anymore. I can´t be free from suffering. Nobody is free until everyone is free. How can I heal my own wounds amidst the destruction? Where does "personal" end? In my soul, all starts to blend.

[SenseOrgan]

Your compassion is beautiful Dalloway. It's brave to keep your heart open in the face of such horror. Bad things flow out of closing it. The very things you refer to are a result of this. It's hard to realize our influence is limited, to put it mildly. It seems absurd to work on personal healing in a world falling apart, doesn't it? Still, I think it's the most powerful and constructive thing we can do when dealing with CPTSD. Every action ripples out from there. It also determines to what degree we can be effective in the world. It has to have priority if we're not in direct danger ourselves, I think.

We can't know how far we'll get, but I think we owe it to ourselves to give it our all. And also to the world (without being grandiose) because none of us is an island. There are things we can influence and things we can't influence. It helps a great deal to focus on the former, however small it may seem. It matters. Without downplaying any of the horrific things going on, we truly can't know where we are even one day from now. Regardless of how things develop, there's intrinsic value in acts of kindness and compassion, no matter how seemingly insignificant. Towards yourself and others.

There are great examples of people not succumbing to cynicism and hopelessness and remaining their dignity in the hardest of circumstances. They showed and show us that it's possible to do what's right even if all the odds are against us. Big and small. The circumstances we find ourselves in sometimes makes us tap into almost super human abilities we weren't aware of. It's not necessarily about getting the outcome we want. More about what we value, even more than ourselves. I recently saw a clip of a Jezidi man singing about the massacre on his people. He was honoring them by keeping the story alive of what had happened. There was an immense dignity in it, even though it changed nothing about the horror. It touched me deeply. He was unbroken.

Much love 

ps
If you want to hear the Jezidi man sing, you still can for a week or so, if you have VPN which you can set to The Netherlands. The fragment starts at 2 hours 48 minutes into the show. https://npo.nl/start/serie/vpro-zomergasten/seizoen-37/vpro-zomergasten_15/afspelen

[Dalloway]

Thank you, SenseOrgan, I really appreciate your kindness in these hard times. Yes, I very much agree with you and this is what keeps me going, even if it sometimes seems so meaningless, that through my personal healing and gaining of wisdom I can make changes in the broader world, too. I try not to forget that in my life I need to be in the first place, especially when it comes to healing the traumas, but this is what motivates me the most, the power of wisdom and healing that I can share with those who need it. Everything I do pretty much points into one direction: to make this world (inner and outer) a better place. My personal journey may be about me in the first place, but I like to think that it also benefits other people because, as you put it, we are not an island. My plan of becoming a social worker, which I wrote about, is also part of this bigger picture.

And it´s already changing me as a person in a positive way. I used to be in my head 24/7 and very much isolated from the outside world. All I cared about was my mental and emotional state, which is of course not a bad thing, only that it cut me off from the context I exist in. But with everything that´s happening, I am changing, too. I would have never thought that I have so much integrity and bravery in me that I´m experiencing nowadays. And you know what? My CPTSD, my personal healing journey and experiences of abuse and oppression (even systemic one, since I´m part of a minority ethnic group in a country where we don´t have equal rights with the dominant group), it all helps when it comes to understanding the issues of the world today. Everything I´ve been and am going through gives me extra understanding and compassion. I used to think about my negative experiences and ACEs as something that shouldn´t have happened (I still do in a sense that it was horrible and would never want it to happen to anyone), but it´s also starting to change and now I can value my experiences as something that helps me be more compassionate and helps me build something better for me and for others.

It can feel hopeless sometimes, especially with all the helplessness I´m experiencing, but it makes me want to integrate the pain into something bigger more.