Dalloway´s Recovery Journal

[dollyvee]

Hi Dalloway,

I'm sorry that you're feeling that way right now. I understand those dreams and find them distressing, but perhaps your subconscious is helping you deal with some emotions.

I've been listening to some of Jay Reid's videos on the scapegoat child of the narcissist. They've been really enlightening and eye-opening to help understand some of my inner experience growing up. One of the things he talks about is that any kind of self-activation (exercise, frienships, connection etc) actually brings up the feeling of aloneness in the scapegoated child that they had to mitigate because of the narcissistic parent. So, while other people can enjoy those things with ease, it brings up uncomfortable feelings in the scapegoated child that they had to deal with alone. For me, sometime alone feels safer. It's not even a conscious effort on my part either. It's like when a connection presents itself (let's say "positive," or healthy, but outside of the role I knew growing up ie caretaking, and suppressing my own feelings), it's like something in my just shuts down, or mutes as he describes it.

I feel like listening to these videos is helpful to start unpacking this process, one that's always sort of remained hidden in my subconscious reactions.

Sending you support and a hug if that's ok 
dolly

[Dalloway]

Dollyvee, thank you for the hug and the support. I find it very interesting how those "positive" actions can actually bring up negative feelings and reactions in the traumatized brain/mind. For me it pops up every time I get a praise or some kind of positive attention from someone. I´m so not used to it that it always makes me feel really uncomfortable and it hurts because it reminds me of how I never got positive attention from my M.

I´m still figuring out what my subconscious is trying to say to me and it´s not easy, but I decided to work on this area with my T, so we´ll see.