Dalloway´s Recovery Journal

[dollyvee]

Hi Dalloway,

I'm sorry that you're feeling that way right now. I understand those dreams and find them distressing, but perhaps your subconscious is helping you deal with some emotions.

I've been listening to some of Jay Reid's videos on the scapegoat child of the narcissist. They've been really enlightening and eye-opening to help understand some of my inner experience growing up. One of the things he talks about is that any kind of self-activation (exercise, frienships, connection etc) actually brings up the feeling of aloneness in the scapegoated child that they had to mitigate because of the narcissistic parent. So, while other people can enjoy those things with ease, it brings up uncomfortable feelings in the scapegoated child that they had to deal with alone. For me, sometime alone feels safer. It's not even a conscious effort on my part either. It's like when a connection presents itself (let's say "positive," or healthy, but outside of the role I knew growing up ie caretaking, and suppressing my own feelings), it's like something in my just shuts down, or mutes as he describes it.

I feel like listening to these videos is helpful to start unpacking this process, one that's always sort of remained hidden in my subconscious reactions.

Sending you support and a hug if that's ok 
dolly

[Dalloway]

Dollyvee, thank you for the hug and the support. I find it very interesting how those "positive" actions can actually bring up negative feelings and reactions in the traumatized brain/mind. For me it pops up every time I get a praise or some kind of positive attention from someone. I´m so not used to it that it always makes me feel really uncomfortable and it hurts because it reminds me of how I never got positive attention from my M.

I´m still figuring out what my subconscious is trying to say to me and it´s not easy, but I decided to work on this area with my T, so we´ll see.

[Dalloway]

Today I had an especially tough therapy session. I realized how bad I depend on other people's approval. We were talking about some kind of art therapy that my T wanted to try, but first asked me if I was open to something like that. I always struggled with techniques in which I have to use my imagination and have to think in pictures and symbols. I don't really have access to that creative part of my brain, I tend to rationalize everything and use the power of words over nonverbal tools. So I always feel a little uncomfortable when she asks if I'm willing to try something like that in the sessions. I usually say yes because I can't bear the feeling of saying no to something that's supposed to help me. But today I was overwhelmed by the time the session ended, so I broke down in tears. My T asked me about that and I told her how I felt about saying no.

As a kid I was taught that I can easily get into trouble by wanting or saying something different from what my M wanted me to say or do. She had rules, many of them, some were changing day after day. Nothing I did was ever right and when she punished me, she made sure that I know it's all my fault. By wanting something I risked being abandoned emotionally, to say the least. My M often punished me by simply not talking to me. Can you imagine what that does to a helpless child? She will do anything in order to protect herself from being hurt this way again. She will learn to read other people and know in advance what they want to hear. And every time that now-adult/helpless-child gets into situations that require speaking her mind, she panics and relives the rejection and abandonment. That's why I started to cry - I couldn´t take the stress of not saying what I wanted to say, but neither could I say no. I was afraid that I'll lose my T's sympathy and she will dislike me for saying no. And I was also afraid that she will punish me for saying no because that´s what I learned at home.

It was a painful moment. I realized how deep are some wounds that I´ve been ignoring for a long time. My M really messed with my mind and psyche by doing that psycho-terror. She was unpredictable and emotionally distant, cruel even, when she was at her worst. It hurts so much when I think about that innocent little kid that had to endure all that terrible suffering. I tend to criticize and blame myself for struggling, but today I felt for the first time that it´s absolutely not my fault or as my favourite Gabor Mate says "it´s a normal response to abnormal circumstances". Now I feel deeply connected to my suffering self and feel pure compassion towards the child in me. It was eye-opening and I´m grateful for that.

[Desert Flower]

This is very important and beautiful work you are doing Dalloway. And I can relate.

I realized how bad I depend on other people's approval.

I did too, a while ago. It's a big step.

And you're right, its natural to need this approval for us as kids. Your little you deserves all the compassion in the world for the suffering she did.

Take lots of care
 

[Dalloway]

Thank you Desert Flower, your validation means a lot.