Healing journal (tw) Angering / strong emotions

[Chart]

 

[StartingHealing]

  Thank you

[StartingHealing]

Aug 4 2025

Well sheesh.  Come to the conclusion that I have been operating out of the fear space for such as long long time that I don't remember what it's like to not have that running as a sub-routine.  I feel better now than I did at the beginning of the day.  Finally got through to someone and have an appointment on Wed to see about getting into that clinic.  Yeesh. 

I've tracked my BP this AM and recorded it.  I have stuff to do after work.  Need to pick up my pair of safety glasses.  Perhaps I'll put off till tomorrow going to the bank and getting the $$ I've saved up for a new to me rig.  Around where I'm at it's surprising at how much the used car market has changed.  More 'good' cars at more reasonable pricing.

I still feel that all this "stuff" that I'm working on physically has it's roots in the time period of the former spouse.  The whole stress thing for decades. 

Wishing all here, all the best.

[StartingHealing]

Aug 5 2025

Tuesday.  Took the med again last night.  Mercy the side effects.. I'm rolling with them as best as I'm able.  It's kind of rough and the emotions are running high as well.  I feel that the fear space that I've been operating out of is spot on.  My mentor, exactly on the mark once again.  Have done some EFT this morning over that.  Brad Yates had a video that addresses the fear and how in some manner holding onto the fear is a protection of the self in some way. 

I've also realized that I'm still carrying a huge amount of unresolved emotional mess from the time of the former spouse.  Telling myself that was then, this is now, sometimes helps stop the spin of the thoughts and sometimes it don't.  Last night was another rough night.  Was able to get 4 hours (ish) solid, woke up, decided to pee, then played the bio-feedback game in an attempt to get back to sleep.  Which didn't really work.  Flitted between sleep and wake.. dozed a lil I think. 

Last afternoon, I was feeling pretty good overall.  The allowing that I need to do is kinda hard.  Hot / cold flashes, when hot flash then the sweats.  Brain fog.  I don't know where the "standard" of performance that I carry came from.  Messy.  Oh so messy. 

The numbers were less this morning than yesterday.  I figure in a week or so..

Am at work and judas I would really enjoy a nap. 

[Chart]

 

[Hope67]

Hi StartingHealing,
I hope that you're doing ok - as I know you're dealing with the side effects of the bp med.   
Take care,
Hope

[StartingHealing]

8-8-25

Physically feeling .. better I guess.  I'm not as tight, not as spun up.  Enjoying moving my body more now than I have in many many many moons. It's loosening up as I process the emotional juice, and it needs to learn that I'm not in a survival situation. 

I have the gist of how I got to where I'm currently at.  Now need to devote the time, attention and resources to get back to a better state of health and wellness. 

Been making it a point to go walk on a daily basis.  Used to go walk with my doggo that passed in Jan.  There were times we covered miles.  I still miss him.  I miss all of them that have went across the bridge before me.  Lots of loss and grief in there still. 

Found a channel on YT that I've found helpful.  Dry Creek Wrangler School.  Older cowboy, DeWayne I believe his first name is, and he does vids on horsemanship and some on advice for life.  Maybe it's the dialect, maybe it's the language used, maybe he reminds me of something else, IDK.  I do know that listening to him speak is calming and since he's been through the wringer in several different ways and is still in there swinging and doing well, to my mind he is worth giving a listen to.  First fella I've heard that has been blunt in saying that a person needs time to think and consider things instead of the "grind, grind, grind.  Everything has to be "optimized" It's all BS

The algo gave me a vid on somatic relief and that has helped some as well. 

I realized that I'm also apt to take on responsibilities that are not mine to begin with.  There has been some fumbles with the native medical stuff, changing up appointments / transportation to and from.. not my responsibility.  As soon as I became aware of the glitches I made calls, left messages etc. 

It's pushing 7am now.  I'm already been fed, watered, walked so it's time for a shower and to see what will happen with the appointment that I was supposed to have today with the primary care Dr.

Wishing all here, all the best

[StartingHealing]

Thank you

[StartingHealing]

Hi StartingHealing,
I hope that you're doing ok - as I know you're dealing with the side effects of the bp med.   
Take care,
Hope

Thank you Hope. 

Most of the side effects are understandable because the med is a calcium channel blocker and with lower BP .. other physical effects as the material frame is adjusting to the lower pressures.

[Papa Coco]

StartingHealing,

I hope the medication is good for you and the side effects remain minimal. I had a reaction or two to your mention of the doggos. I have never known love like the love I've received from my dogs over the years.  It's the purest love I've come across ever.

A year ago, I experienced one medicated procedure where I spent about 4 or so hours in a state of euphoric bliss. While under, I was 100 percent absorbed in the absoluteness of unconditional love. My mind started flashing the faces of all the people I've ever loved in my life, and my heart felt what I call, 100 percent connection still to every single person I've ever loved. Not 99% connection but 100%. Even those who died decades ago. Deep down within me I am still completely connected to anyone I've ever been connected with.

I believe with all my heart now that the dogs I've had in my life, and even my one cat, are still with me at the 100% level. They are still in my heart as firmly as is physically possible.

I have no doubt that as you walk the trails, your doggos are all walking with you. I don't say that just as a nice thing to say. This isn't a Hallmark Card. I say that because of what I experienced, and I feel like I don't believe they are still with us, but I feel like I KNOW they are still with us.

At the soul level, we're all one, and that includes our furry friends as well. They're with you still. They always will be. I'll bet you feel them from time to time.

[StartingHealing]

StartingHealing,

I hope the medication is good for you and the side effects remain minimal. I had a reaction or two to your mention of the doggos. I have never known love like the love I've received from my dogs over the years.  It's the purest love I've come across ever.

A year ago, I experienced one medicated procedure where I spent about 4 or so hours in a state of euphoric bliss. While under, I was 100 percent absorbed in the absoluteness of unconditional love. My mind started flashing the faces of all the people I've ever loved in my life, and my heart felt what I call, 100 percent connection still to every single person I've ever loved. Not 99% connection but 100%. Even those who died decades ago. Deep down within me I am still completely connected to anyone I've ever been connected with.

I believe with all my heart now that the dogs I've had in my life, and even my one cat, are still with me at the 100% level. They are still in my heart as firmly as is physically possible.

I have no doubt that as you walk the trails, your doggos are all walking with you. I don't say that just as a nice thing to say. This isn't a Hallmark Card. I say that because of what I experienced, and I feel like I don't believe they are still with us, but I feel like I KNOW they are still with us.

At the soul level, we're all one, and that includes our furry friends as well. They're with you still. They always will be. I'll bet you feel them from time to time.

Hi PC
I do indeed "feel" those beings from the other side from time to time.  Some 4 legged, some 2 legged. (chuckle)  I am very appreciative of them being willing to come around.  The thing is.. it's different than them being in this realm.  I know that I know that I am loved and cared about. How I know I don't know. You know?  It's .. different.

 The loss and grief go way back PC. Way back.  Before I even had words. The loss of {mother} as a newborn. And that gets tied into the other events where those that I love moved on to the other side / next adventure. It's coming out in the way it can without leaving me unable to function. Learned that way early. If you could move, there's chores needing doing. Go get it done.

The health thing.. was a cluster yesterday. Was a follow-up appointment. The doc put me on another med for the BP thing. A "water pill". He did report that all my blood work was solid in regards to all the enzymes, etc. They did pull more in office to check for cholesterol and for diabetic indicators. This morning 8-9-25 is the first dose because it's supposed to be taken in the morning. Looked up the side effects and while I'm not vain .. hair loss?  Really?  Duuude....

It finally got sorted and a very good thing happened where my daughter had some time to visit with me in person.  Ordered delivery pizza and talked about everything and nothing at all.  She's not a fan of pepperoni or sausage so she got her own style while I got mine.  Figured that way at least in some small way, I could feed her for an extra meal or four.  Her birthday is coming up and she's rocking her life.  Steady work that she enjoys at a pay rate that is sustainable for her, regular pay raises, the possibilities of being able to find work in that field no matter where she decides to go, good benefits from the employer, friends that she can rely on.  She's done well for herself.  Like all of us, she's figuring it out along the way. 

I've tried to remember a time where I was "acceptable" as a being without the onus of performance.  Maybe I'm just not "seeing" it.  Most of my life, I mean I know that at societal level there is a burden of performance on me because my plumbing is external.  Perhaps I've taken that too far in application?  Goes back to my question of what does society owe me and what do I owe society?  What do I owe my daughter? My friends?  What family I have left?  At the same time what is owed to me?  I'm polite, easy going, loving playing with words and changing voices around. I'm generous and kind hearted.  I think that overall I'm a good sort.  Yeah I have my foibles and vices, just like all humans. Trying to map to the objective standard, I've been told that I'm a good man.

And yet the pressure to meet some d--nable standard that I don't know where it comes from or who arbitrates it.  I know that I did the best I could at the time. Blood, sweat, tears, putting myself in harms way to protect those that I cared about.  And now, sometimes I feel like I dropped the ball on that.  And sometimes the "I did the best I could at the time" rings hollow like it's an convenient excuse.   

The emotions.  I've been thrust into a sphere of which I know very little.  All the paperwork etc around health care and attempting to navigate it is.. I'm muddling through I guess.  Definitely can create issues with higher BP you know? The side effects and dealing with those and not having a fairly reliable car.  Yeah, the city in which I currently live is definitely car based and public transport is not great, uber / lyft / taxis ... yeesh.. expensive.

 Have a certain amount of cash saved up and trying to find a car ... Will be a cash deal.  My daughter has agreed to take me around to a couple of dealers to eyeball some.  Found a couple that may work based on the info on the web and budget that I have.  Then tomorrow my sister is free and maybe will be able to take me around to see some selected private sales. Doesn't have to be pretty, just reliable.

 Yeah, the main rig I use is having engine issues.  I know a rod knock when I hear one.  Lots of what ifs there and honestly even putting a known good junkyard engine in it.. with shipping.. The whole car isn't worth the $$ to do that.  Never thought I see the day of disposable cars. 

I don't fault the my physical frame for what has happened.  The stress and strain of 2 1/2 decades dealing with a personality disordered individual + a mental illness.  It basically had enough.  Anything will break down with enough stress / strain applied to it.  Even machinery. 

Need to sign off some release forms.  The amount of paperwork is staggering. 

Wishing all here all the best

 

[Hope67]

Hi StartingHealing,
Hope you find a car that you like.  I know you're looking for a reliable one, and I hope you find it.
 

[StartingHealing]

Hi StartingHealing,
Hope you find a car that you like.  I know you're looking for a reliable one, and I hope you find it.
 

Things are turning around Hope.  I purchased an older car with really low miles. Single family owned it since new.  It's not flashy or loud. Because of the age there are some things that need attention.  It's work that I can do fairly easily and the issues don't affect the safe operation of it.  It took such a load off. 

Ended up on 2 different meds for the BP.  The numbers are coming down. 

[Hope67]

 

[StartingHealing]

Thank you Hope.  Appreciate it!