The ramblings of an abused kid (trigger warnings galore)

[dollyvee]

Hey Slashy,

I'm sorry you're feeling that way after DBR. To be honest, that's the reason I didn't want to do it after my t suggested it (we had previously done EMDR but she suggested DBR for the preverbal things). To me, I got a lot out of IFS and felt like DBR would be bypassing important preverbal protector parts, which, in IFS, would/can cause issues as you're not supposed to bypass those parts of your system as all parts matter.

I think memories are tough because often they're connected with the idea of who we think we are ie the parts of us that did what we had to do to survive if that makes sense, and sometimes they're not dipping down into the painfult things that happened like you mentioned. I'm very good at talking about certain things that happened to me that are probably shocking to others, but for me, it's almost like it happened to someone else. Logically/chronologically I know that those things happened, but the feeling about what it was like at that time is coming from a different part of my brain. Unfortunately, I'm learning that I have to feel those feelings and grieve properly.

I hope you're able to find some space to deal with the things that are coming up for you,
dolly

[GoSlash27]

All,
 Trigger warning as usual (not for the squeamish)...

 I recounted a dream I noted as 'important' this afternoon, and my T seemed taken aback by it.

 It starts with me approaching a friend of the family about a prior transgression that I was upset about. To be clear, this transgression never happened in real life.
 In the dream, she had punched me for no apparent reason the last time I'd seen her and found it uproariously hilarious.I had decided to confront her about it, explain to her why it had upset me and demand an apology, and she did it again! Laughed about it, and all my friends and family were there, laughing along with her.
 
 I was so angry, I tried to throw a punch back at her as hard as I could... but I was frozen in place. I was unable to move.

 I woke up from that dream absolutely furious! I hadn't lacked the ability, will, courage, or resolve to deliver that crippling blow I so desperately wanted to deliver, I was cheated by the physics of the dream; physical paralysis.

 I've had lots of other dreams along these lines over the years, but never one where I woke up livid because I was denied the ability to severely injure someone in a dream. And after I woke up, I fantasized about how the dream "should have" ended; me delivering that devastating reply shot, her ending up unconscious with a broken jaw, skull fractures, unconscious on the pavement, with me berating her...

 Neither of us were quite sure what that dream meant, but it scared the bejeezus out of me!
--------------------------------------------
 Related story: I know that I am physically (if not mentally) capable of delivering such a devastating blow.
 I was conditioned from early childhood to avoid confrontation and am a scrawny guy... so I've never had the opportunity to gauge the force of one of my punches. I just assumed it would be pitiful, so avoided any situation where I would need to rely on it.
 2004, I was hanging out with my soon- to- be ex in the bar, and they were holding a competition to see who could hit the punch-o-meter arcade game the hardest.
 I *really* didn't want to get involved in that, for fear of embarrassment. But they were all cajoling and insisting, so I eventually caved in and did it. I gave it everything I had because I was so afraid in the moment.
 I punched the machine so hard that it literally broke. 
 Scared my wife (and myself), and ruined the mood of the party. Turns out that nobody likes "psycho- level" energy. Especially not me.
 I don't want anyone to ever be afraid of me.

 Best,
-Slashy
 
 

[NarcKiddo]

I can see how that dream could be scary and upsetting.

As for the punch-o-meter - well, that is very interesting to me. I do boxing for fitness and love it. BUT I refuse to do group classes because I want to feel able to give it my all. Being female I'd likely be partnered with another woman but I am tall, solid and strong. Punching a coach who I pay is one thing. Some fellow class attendee is quite another. I also will never do actual sparring - what I do is with the coach holding pads only. One coach started tapping me with the pads and I could feel my aggression ramp up and the danger of red mist. Like you say, nobody likes "psycho-level" energy. Why I have mentioned my boxing, though, is because knowing I could give someone a right old bash if necessary has made me feel much safer with me. I think it makes me safer with others, too. Not because I was ever likely to lash out physically but somehow knowing I now could, effectively, makes me feel safer mentally. Safer for others as well as for me. Maybe now you know your own strength there is less chance, not more, of anyone ever being afraid of you.

[GoSlash27]

NarcKiddo,
 My abuse left me avoidant and non- confrontational. I realize that different people respond in different ways, but that's how *I* responded...
 Anyway, as a result of that I never had the opportunity up to that point to throw a proper punch, leaving me lacking confidence in that ability should the need arise. After that incident I no longer feared *that*, but my automatic response in a conflict remained "freeze".

 Which leads me to the point of the dream.

 After mulling it over, I believe the dream itself isn't as important as my emotional response to it although both are related.
 I think my "fight" response is reemerging after having been suppressed since childhood.I'd wager that this dream and response is a common occurrence for people with a normal fight response.

Best,
-Slashy

[dollyvee]

Hi Slashy,

I relate to your dream. I feel like I have had this dream myself in different guises over the years - wanting to fight back when people are abusing you (humiliating you), but being powerless to do so is my childhood summed up. I think I still carry this feeling with me a lot and is probably why I feel so defensive at times. I can also slip into this powerlessness at times at the flick of a switch when faced with confrontation.

I also relate to "things" (emotions, experiences etc) comming up around people and then feeling critisized or judged for having them. In my experience, I hadn't been self aware at the time when they do come up, or have any self to realize that they're ok, even if other people didn't understand it, or that my reactions don't make me a psycho, or crazy.

Sending you support,
dolly

[AphoticAtramentous]

Dreams can be so cruel sometimes, usually digging things up from our subconscious, replaying our own personal fears. I've definitely felt dreams like the one you described, wanting to do something, but being completely physically paralysed. It is a frustrating feeling, like trying to lift a 1 ton weight, feeling the resistance from your own pushing, and the more you push, the more it seems to resist. I think these dreams often represent a feeling of helplessness, or powerlessness as dollyvee mentioned.

After mulling it over, I believe the dream itself isn't as important as my emotional response to it although both are related.
 I think my "fight" response is reemerging after having been suppressed since childhood.I'd wager that this dream and response is a common occurrence for people with a normal fight response.

It being related to the fight response I think is a very accurate assessment. I think it might be a good opportunity to remind (and my apologies if you're already aware of this) that the fight response isn't always literally just punching and kicking. Although your dream did seem to take it the more literal way, the essence of fighting back can be presented in other ways - like taking control of our situations, expressing anger, moving towards danger rather than moving away. And although these can be unhealthy mechanisms depending on the situation, I think they can turned into healthier forms of fighting - like setting boundaries or venting our anger through exercise and art.

So, although you may feel like your fight response is re-emerging, I wouldn't be too concerned over potentially punching something too hard again - there are ways we can remove our powerlessness without going "psycho-level", and without others fearing us. Perhaps it is possible to combine the non-confrontational desires and the desires to fight into a balanced and healthy defense mechanism.

Hopefully that makes sense. They're just some silly ideas of mine, feel free to ignore it all if I've misinterpreted your comments here. Wishing you the best.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[GoSlash27]

 It's been a long while. DBR therapy is stressful, but I can personally attest to its effectiveness.

 I just want to note a new frustration about repressed memories.
 
 I had ranted a couple weeks ago about how awful late 1970s disco music was, and decided to revisit it. Billboard Top 100 hits, 1979.
 On my way into work, The song "A Little More Love" by Olivia Newton-John came on and I was instantly transported back to summer camp at 8 years old and my whirlwind "puppy love" romance with a girl from the girl's camp.
 Nothing untoward or sexual, we were just crazy about each other and conspired to thwart the adults' attempts to keep us apart. Passing notes, meeting in line, stealing moments together.
 And at the intramural dance, they finally couldn't stop us. We were together the whole night. And when they turned down the lights and lit up the disco ball for couples dance, that was our song.
 There was nothing traumatic or upsetting about that experience. It was just happy. 
 The only sad part was the bus ride home when she and her older sister had to leave the bus. We both cried so hard because we knew we'd never see each other again.
 Point is, this was a perfectly *happy* memory. Very wholesome and uplifting. But when my subconscious got busy burying later traumatic memories, it buried this one too.
 I lost a lot of innocuous and even joyful memories. Far more than traumatic ones. But I still fear what might pop up more than I welcome it.

 Childhood trauma doesn't just leave your memory scattered with landmines, it robs you of happy memories as well and leaves you too scared to search them out.
 I hate that.

Best,
-Slashy

[Hope67]

Hi Slashy,
I'm glad that you found that happy memory. 

I'm glad that you have found DBR therapy helpful - does that stand for Deep Brain Reprocessing or something else?  I am glad you found it to be effective in anycase. 

Hope

[GoSlash27]

Hope,
 It's Deep Brain Reorienting.
 Now I'm left with a new problem. I was content to let sleeping dogs lie and not explore my jumbled memories. Now I want to know *all* of it. The loss of previous happy memories alongside the traumatic ones is a tragic loss. Chrissy's memory was lost to me at the age of 11. My subconscious popped the fuse on the neural pathways associated with her. I only recalled her at the age of 54. 
 What *else* did I experience that is no longer available to me? I have no idea. I don't remember. 

Best,
-Slashy
 
 
 

[NarcKiddo]

Hello, Slashy. It's good to see you and I am glad you found that happy memory.

I can understand why you are frustrated about maybe having lost happy memories along with the bad ones. But I think our brain will serve up memories when we are able to deal with them. And there was a sad part to the memory. The parting, knowing you would never meet again, is very sad. Especially to a young child. I don't think they are emotionally equipped to deal with the concept of "better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all". Where you are now is a point where you can appreciate the mainly good parts of the memory and accept that the sad part does not negate the good. So your brain has served up the memory.

For sure this situation sucks because losing happy memories is a high price to pay for avoiding the landmines. And sometimes we get the landmines anyway. But we also unexpectedly get some good ones. You just have to roll with it, I guess.

[GoSlash27]

NarcKiddo,
 Yeah, it's especially jarring because my memories from that period are so clear. That was the mostly *happy* part of my childhood. I had absolutely no suspicion that anything was missing.
 Then I hear a song and *BANG*! "Oh by the way you had a torrid summer camp puppy love romance in 1979 and this was your song. So that's a thing"...   
 I didn't forget it, I never knew it had ever happened.
 Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, over?
-Slashy

[GoSlash27]

All,
 The more I try to process this, the more confusing and overwhelming it becomes.
 I lived my life as a man who had never truly fallen in love. I can relate to that. Screw that "giddy romantic infatuation" nonsense. We understand each other in ways others don't and that's good enough for me.   
 Now I know what it feels like to have fallen hopelessly head-over-heels for a girl and felt that love returned. I can now relate to *that* too.
 These are 100% contradictory experiences and I don't handle contradictions well. The recovery of one of the happiest memories of my life *should* be cause for celebration. Instead, I just feel lost. It should've been one or the other, not *both*. I hate the fact that I lost this memory, and I'm not really happy that it was restored.
 I don't know what I'm supposed to *do* with it. I don't know if I want to have it ever happen again. 
 
 "I can't imagine what it feels like" is a pointless phrase. *OF COURSE* you can imagine it. That's what imagination is for. What you really mean is "I can't relate to it". Never experienced it and never knew anyone else that did. I feel like I relate to a bit too much at the moment.
 Best,
-Slashy
 

[GoSlash27]

 So here I was thinking that nobody could possibly relate to this, and my GF knew *exactly* what I was talking about. Her entire personality has been shaped by her inability to retain happy memories.
 Her advice was very sage: I have no control over triggered memories. It doesn't make any difference whether I want them or not. They will happen of their own accord and on their own schedule.
 I do, however, have a choice as to whether I'm going to allow it to screw up my day.
 

[Chart]

 
Hey Slash, check out Lisa Feldman Barrett, neuroscience researcher proposing fundamentally different mechanical functioning of our brains and emotions from classical models. Might just be right up your alley at the moment.