I Am

[Bach]

Boy do I get tired of emotional control sometimes. Sometimes I really just want to have tantrum. A big cathartic explosion of chaotic and unreasonable feelings. A purge of everything I spend all my time and energy to hold back, transmogrify, warp, morph, justify, minimise, neutralise, intellectualise, contain. I want it out of me, all of it. Kicking and screaming. I want to disturb, unsettle, frighten, distress like I used to when I was a kid and there were no holds barred when protesting my unjust treatment and my unmet needs. But then be comforted, tended to, understood. Validated. Helped. Soothed.  Loved. Like I certainly never was back then. I want to be taken care of. I'm so sick of having to be an adult when I was never allowed to be a child.

[sanmagic7]

bach, is there any way you can have that tantrum?  or some modification of it?  does it help to write all that stuff out?  at one time i kept an anger journal, and it was for nothing but that, being angry about people, circumstances, situations in my past/present. i'd start writing (always using a red pen - that signified anger for me) words, and often they morphed into scribbles, slashes, tearing the page, swearing, etc.  and when i filled one notebook, i'd immediately walk it outside, out of my home, and put it in the trash.

it was very cathartic for me, as far as it went.  it was the closest i've ever come to having a tantrum.  of course, i had to soothe myself afterwards - i've always been missing that part as well, having someone soothe me.  i get you.  love and hugs