Post-Traumatic Growth Journal

[sanmagic7]

so much there, SO, it's no wonder it's overwhelming and intimidating.  the idea of not being heard, not being able to express what's on your mind and in your heart is stifling.  what you've gone thru is brutalizing.

the idea of trying to explain c-ptsd to someone who doesn't know it, well, i've tried too many times and have given up.  i don't think it's understandable to someone outside the knowledge.  and, yep - platitudes are the worst, as far as i'm concerned.  i've gotten a lot of 'let go and let god' kinds of things, especially from 12-steppers, or 'be grateful for what you've got', and 'find something every day that makes you smile' kinds of things from others.  uh uh, nope. 

i'm glad you're able to see your shrink before you delve into answering your M.  i think that's wise.

keep going, one step at a time (that's one thing from 12 steps that i agree with.)  rest when you need to, and go at your own pace.  you deserve that - your pace, not anyone else's.  hiding your truth in order to serve someone else's, well, it's awful to say the least. i know that one all too well.  i have faith - you'll get there.  love and hugs

[SenseOrgan]

sanmagic7
Wow, those people added insult after injury, probably with the best of intentions. There are a gazillion ways to tell someone to shut up and those sound a lot like it. There is no way to skip to acceptance or forgiveness. Those are hard earned in the case of C-PTSD, or may never emerge from the ashes at all. It is the cherry on top of the healing journey.

Thanks a lot for your support. 

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Toxic shame: someone else's projections absorbed into your sense of self.

[SenseOrgan]

I slept in my living room, since it got very hot in my bedroom in the past days. I woke up very early in the morning, because the self inflating mattress lost a lot of air during the night. Grumpy and very sleepy, I stumbled to my bedroom and fell asleep right away. Some time later I shut down the alarm on my phone and added another hour and a half of sleep.

My mood wasn't very good this morning. Still affected by the recent triggers, I still had one foot in the EF. It took me about eight hours to activate myself. I once again tapped into the anger that got stirred up by the triggers, and used it to get to work in my front yard. I'm totally visible there. Being visible often is a big thing for me. Especially when I'm doing something unconventional [which often is the case]. This time I measured, staked out, and drilled holes. It was a fiddly task, since the whole garden is full of vegetables I didn't want to mess up. It was in the back of my mind that I'd get remarks/questions if anyone would see me. Nobody does this here. Drilling holes by hand in your front yard, and messing around with a measuring tape and some string. So I rallied my anger against my ICR. Successfully. I managed to shut it up enough to not have it smother me under a thick blanket of shame. I occupied the real estate in my mind with ME to the degree there were instances I forgot about others entirely and just acted like I would have when invisible. I took on a couple of other related tasks while in this flow. It feels really good to win this internal battle. The battle to take up space authentically, unapologetically. I'm getting glimpses of freedom. I'll get there, or I'll die trying.

Listening to Walker's book is helping. I'm nowhere near triggered as much by it as I was when I started it. It's more validating and empowering than it's taxing my system. In fact, I can listen to it now like I listen to other non-fiction books. A part of me is a lot more interested in picking up where I left off when the triggers hit. I still haven't made up my mind about what to do now. Sinking all my focus and energy into angering over what has been done to me doesn't feel quite right, nor does continuing as if nothing happened. At least a part of my new found emancipatory anger should be used to pave a nicer path for myself. It's a powerful force for good when used mindfully. Glad to get in touch with it again.

[sanmagic7]

SO, i like the phrase 'emancipatory anger'.  it sounds just like what it says - freeing.  so glad you got in touch with that.

am also glad you were able to work 'invisibly' so as to finish what you were doing w/o that 'shame' feeling.  somehow, just because we do something different than others might, as long as it's not hurting ourselves or others, well, i don't see that there's anything to be ashamed of.  and certainly not to have to feel shame about simply 'being'.

i like 'fiddly' things.  keep going, SO.  i think you're doing really well.  love and hugs

[SenseOrgan]

sanmagic7
Thank you! 

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Still recovering from an injury, I couldn't stay yet another extra night in the albergue. So the next morning my journey continued. I made it to the next village, which was situated on a hill. The view of the path with pilgrims disappearing into the distance was magnificent. I sat there under a tree, appreciating the moment. A food truck channeled a soundtrack from another dimension. It hit me in a place only music can. I had to ask. The owner was more than happy to share his track list. I saved a note, determined to track down the musicians later on. That time is now. Mourning the ongoing loss of my parents as a child, and all that resulted from it, I feel a tender kind of sadness. There's no fighting with it. There's a being with the little one. There is pain. And nothing needs to be different. I am home.

[Chart]

I was invited to dinner last night. Six sweet people, some known for awhile, others new to me. I was extra attentive to my Cptsd "state" all evening. I kept forgiving myself for how uptight and nervous I was feeling. I made some jokes, listened with self-conscious cinder-blocks falling constantly on my head. I kept saying: This is real, this feeling inside is Cptsd. I know what it is now. I'm not the only one who feels this way.

SO, your entire journal is so validating for me. I still feel bad inside on a daily basis, but I know and feel more and more that I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE for that horrible feeling. It's not my fault. I'm responsible for getting rid of it now, or reducing it, dealing with it... but it's not my fault AND it's not just me.
I'm horribly sorry that anyone else knows this... "thing"... but it does so much for me to know that I am not the only single broken monster I always "felt" I was. It's Trauma... and Trauma is not just me. It's not ALL. It's not ANY of us.
I hope to god that made sense.
 

[sanmagic7]

'a tender kind of sadness' sounded so sweet, so beautiful, so real.  SO, it's lovely to hear you find your path and keep going on it.

love and hugs

[Hope67]

 

[SenseOrgan]

Chart
The feeling is mutual. It's only been about eight years since I realized that I'm perpetuating what makes life so difficult by defaulting to isolation. Having that insight doesn't solve much, since people who grasp C-PTSD are few and far between. It's been the source of a lot of despair. A lot of people simply aren't safe enough when I'm in a very vulnerable place. And that's the moment when I need connection most.

I discovered OOTS a few years ago and bookmarked it. I didn't sign up before, because I felt/feel uneasy about the term C-PTSD. When I finally did sign up, I got a very warm welcome. I remember your response to my introduction was very validating. It helped a great deal to feel safe here. When you mentioned developmental trauma, I knew I had finally found someone who was dealing with the same stuff. That's a big deal when that never happened before in decades of therapy of all sorts. Reading books and watching video's about it can become it's own problem in a way, when there's nobody you can discuss it with. Thank you for being here and expressing yourself.
 

For me it has been a very long journey to find out what on earth I was struggling with. Precisely because I could not point towards obvious trauma that covers the emotional gravity, so to say. With this condition, and without real support or an accurate diagnosis, it has made me question my own sanity more than once. When you have the tendency to seek fault in yourself first, that's not a happy cocktail. That itself becomes fuel for the internalized invalidation, for toxic shame. The stealthy nature gives an already formidable force even more power. It's a master underminer, parasitising on your own life force.

I've been blended with the ICR for so long, that it still can be a big challenge to see what belongs to me and what has been smeared onto me. Especially when strong emotions hit. The default groove is very deep, and I can't always look over the edge of it, or even imagine a world outside of it. Reading your and others' journals is also validating for me in that regard. I recognize similar struggles, which makes me aware of them, while not feeling so utterly alone in it.

"This is how my trauma feels" is a powerful realization. You are making complete sense to me. It's not about what's wrong with us, but about what happened to us. That ugliness isn't, and never was part of us. We were not born believing that about ourselves. So for me this is not as much about getting rid of the ugliness, as it is about getting in touch with who I am on a more fundamental level than that. Lovable. Just as every infant is.

sanmagic7
Thank you for your kind words.

Hope67

[sanmagic7]

SO, i think the biggest strength of the c-ptsd beast is its ability to cause us to believe it's us who are the failures, the uglies, the shameful, the horribles, when, in fact, all those neg. labels belong to those who caused such thinking and beliefs within ourselves.  as you said, and something i've always believed, babies have none of those neg. thoughts about themselves, but have had them heaped upon them by others.  and it's with others that those neg. thoughts/feelings/beliefs belong.

so glad you found us.  this place has been life-saving for me.  love and hugs