Desert Flower's Recovery Journal

[Desert Flower]

Hi Papa Coco and thank you for taking the time to respond so extensively. These are some wise, kind and helpful things you wrote. Thank you for caring.

I'm glad you understand, as we do on this forum. I'm also glad I did reach out, 'cause you're right, it's good to get some support when we need it.

It's funny you and your wife call it 'the flu', because I had years of flu-like symptoms whenever I would get too stressed out. And now also, after the crying I feel feverish, cold and very tired. And I know these symptoms will go away again. Like the flu.

And you're touching on a very important point here too. These EF's they will keep coming and going. And I've been wanting for them to go away and stay away most of all. That's what I want therapy to do too. And it's important to accept things as they are. This is a condition that comes with EF's. I will have to accept that. Especially whenever I feel I'm doing okay again, I want to forget that there's gonna be new EF's. It will be like the times before when I had all these physical complaints on and off, varying with my stress levels, they will come (and go). So that's my task for the coming period: to accept that there will be EF's. However much that sucks.

 

[Chart]

DF, Falling off a bike is a terrifying experience. It comes out of nowhere, happens at lightning speed, and we lose all control. What better synopsis of an abused child's experience?

Please don't judge yourself too harshly. Accidents happen. Our past continues to rise up in us. You're aware of so much now. Give yourself some time. Feel what you need to feel. You know you're not alone. We're here with you. We're all contributing and becoming part of the cycle of ascendency over our fear-driven brains. We are getting better at this stuff, together, as all the fantastic and wonderful responses show. Your "accident" gave rise to a shower of understanding, yours and ours. It's so encouraging and forward moving. Thank you so much for sharing. (Please read my post directly to the Shame part of your brain :-)
 

[sanmagic7]

hey, DF, i have actually experienced years of those 'flu-like' symptoms when i've gotten overly stressed, and one day i actually discovered it's a real thing and it's called 'stress flue'.  just letting you know, it's not made up or anything like that.  you're not the only one who's experienced it.  and it's awful, miserable feeling, just like the flu is only one day away.  you're right, it eventually goes away, but i still hate it when it's around.

keep taking care of you, ok?  love and hugs

[Desert Flower]

Thank you everyone, for the wonderful responses indeed.
 

Chart, you made my heart smile again, thank you. 

And thank you too San, for pointing that out, I did not know it was called that. My temperature is definitely off: hot - cold - hot - etc.

Take care you too. 

[SenseOrgan]

It's wonderful you're inner child calmed down yesterday. I think everybody here gets the flavor of what you went trough. It's hard to believe in an EF, and scary to open up when so vulnerable and age regressed. Even here that can be the case. I hope you lost some of the aloneness by taking this step. Your openness about what you go through is also validating for me (and others, I presume). Thank you for that, and for your kind words. 

[Desert Flower]

It's been a while again. So here's some of the things that matter.

So, yes, falling of the bike was terrible. It did take me some weeks to recover from that mentally. I was totally blaming myself, wanting to do better, feeling like a fool. I spoke to some professionals, my T, my company doctor, the company social worker (she should be called miracle worker imo), all of them very supportive. And it did pass.

And then I was afraid, knowing that EF's will come again. And I was afraid I wasn't ever gonna make it up, or keep it up again.

But it did get me thinking about all my activities and whether I should really be doing all of that myself. And I've been handing out some chores to others, leaving some things and taking time off from the family to meditate. They do not need me to be by their side every minute.

And I've been learning to feel more closely and listen more carefully to what the inner children and inner critic are saying and supporting the children and stopping the critic more effectively.

At the hockey field, accompanying my son who plays, I usually don't feel comfortable, I feel out of place but I was able to think: It's all just a big charade, everybody's looking so well off and happy and most of them don't even have a clue what they're feeling or thinking, do they. I am no less than any of them, only I have this pattern for feeling bad, but I don't have to let it bother me. And that helped.

And I learned that whenever I start thinking: I can't do this, how am I gonna do all of this, I'm not gonna make it, it's actually not my schedule that needs attention but my nervous system needs to be calmed down. Stop organising and lie down and do your belly breathing.

And I read Pema Chodron's 'The places that scare you' again and this time it really hit me. The places that scare us are inside us. It's our feelings and emotions. And being a Warrior doesn't mean fighting those, but dropping the story line and staying with the feelings and emotions, with a radically open heart. And I've been practicing that. Stay.

I had a good opportunity to practice when my reserved desk at work turned out not to be entirely safe either. (Nothing in samsara is secure.) The women who's managing the team where I sit (not my team) had some questions about our team so I tried to answer those and she just shut me up basically, telling me to drop it (I think she felt threatened not knowing everything in front of her team). And I felt it trigger and stayed. I did. I'm proud of that. (I did not speak up because, well many reasons, but I tried not to blame myself for that.)

And I realised, my goal should not be to become 'stable', because that might easily turn into 'rigid' with me, but to become 'flexible'.

And this week's another challenge timewise, so I did give some of the chores to others and in the mean time I am doing okay with staying present. Taking it one day at a time. So far so good.

Signed, DF, recently turned Part Time Urban Nun (P.T U.N.) (with CPTSD) / credits to Papa Coco ;-)

[SenseOrgan]

Great work Desert Flower! It sounds like a good crisis not wasted  . You're taking good care of yourself, which is especially wonderful after such a big blow. This is what resilience looks like!

I hope you feel comfortable delegating those chores and prioritizing some time for meditation. I imagine this is a hard thing to do for a mom with a big heart, who also struggles with C-PTSD. I am delighted to read the path you are on. I'm right next to you and cheering you on.

Pema is a gift to humanity. She has a special place in my heart. Her "staying power" is palpable. She is a fierce example of the grace and liberation that's in turning towards the places that scare us. Yes to whatever arises in awareness. An open heart, for everything. An ongoing invitation to cultivate wisdom and compassion, on and off the cushion.

The distinction between story and what is actually, physically, emotionally present, is priceless. The story so often is a fighting with what arises in awareness, and turning pain into suffering. Could it be that a history of great suffering, carries within it the gift of this penny to drop?

I've found that there's no greater teacher than daily life, to show where the escape into story happens. Just like in the examples you gave. Part-time monking or nunning has the best of both worlds, I think. Life presents endless opportunities to become aware of our attachments, where life in a monastery could be an escape in itself. 

[sanmagic7]

o DF, there were so many wonderful things to read here.  i'm so proud of you for all the realizations and self-care and changes you've begun. i especially was hit by the idea of being flexible.  i think that's so important.  important to realize and important to begin.  and i loved the idea of seeing people who look so happy and knowing that we can't really 'know' what's going on with them.  well, i do know that i've put on that happy-looking face many times in my life when it just wasn't so! 

keep up the good work.  this sounds like a lot of recovery and healthy self-talk.  love and hugs

[Blueberry]

Tons of recovery in there DF! Good for you   

[Chart]

...it's actually not my schedule that needs attention but my nervous system needs to be calmed down. Stop organising and lie down and do your belly breathing.

This really jumped out at me. Polyvagal theory... yes I so agree!
 

[Desert Flower]

Well, I'm back into mostly feeling nothing atm. I'm just putting this note in my journal but I can't say much, I'm scared I'll break.
The thing is, my mom suddenly died and I am the one organising the funeral etc. So I'm in survival mode. And I'm okay with that for now. We'll see what happens when this is over.