The ramblings of an abused kid (trigger warnings galore)

[GoSlash27]

 Another thought, touching on last week's comment about 'becoming people we wish we had'...

 I had two people I vaguely remember who came into my life as a child who fit that description. Just random people nobody knew. They weren't threatening, didn't want anything from me, never took advantage of me. They just befriended me, mentored me for no particular reason, talked to me and listened.
 Now I wonder if, like 'Squeaky' with that little boy or me with all those fatherless children, they could simply sense that I was broken. And if so, I wonder if they went through similar childhoods themselves.

[dollyvee]

Truth is, my 'caring, nurturing' tendencies come from a dark place. It's not just that I wanted others to do better. Nothing that neat or altruistic. 
 
Finally, my tendency to be nice (and avoidance of those who are not) is borne out of a subconscious need to avoid or defuse conflict.

 I suspect these darker motives are what drive most of us to become this way.
 

Hi Slashy,

Hmm I'm not so sure about the "darker" aspects of where these things come from. It's hard to blame a child who learned how to do these things to survive an unsafe environment as dark, and intentionally doing coming from a "selfish" place, but I do see where you're coming from. Perhaps it's our shadow selves that we don't want to look at. Or rather, are so contained in shame, so we don't look at them.

About 8 (?) years ago, I slowly started to realize that I was having "reactions" when I would do something for someone and it wouldn't be reciprocated, or I felt kind of taken advantage of (because something wasn't reciproacated etc etc). This is around the time that I started therapy again. I realized that the person I thought I was -giving, loving, whatever - might not be all of those things the way I imagined it in my mind (and this is the important part), and I guess have a "darker" side. I think it's important because as a child we have this idea of who we have to be in order to survive, and when we step outside that, we see ourselves as bad. I think I would file it under child consciousness as Heller descibes it. It doesn't make you a bad person to not be those things all the time, that's just what you had to do to survive. I would guess that shame construes those things in our mind as bad because I believe that I do want good things for people, and to help make their lives easier etc. I guess I am now learning that I don't want to do it at the expense of myself any more, which makes me feel "selfish" at times.

Sending you support,
dolly

[Hope67]

I'm also sending you support, Slashy 

Hope 

[GoSlash27]

It's just beginning to register for me now.
 They took away my childhood. Ruined my relationship with my siblings. Reprogrammed me into survival mode for my entire adult life. 

 That poor little child!! This is the heaviness I've been feeling the last couple weeks; mourning.

 It's all part of the healing process; I've got to roll with it and I guess cry a lot until I get it out of my system and start to rebuild. I'm so out of touch with my emotions, I have a hard time telling the difference between different emotions. Anxiety, fear, sadness, anger. They all feel the same.

Best,
-Slashy

[Papa Coco]

Slashy,

I hear ya. Emotions get tangled up and really hard to sort through.

The poor child didn't deserve to have these feelings get all tangled up, and I hope that as you slowly sort through the tangle, you are able to start finding the self-love that is there, but difficult to identify.

PC.

[NarcKiddo]

It is a tough time when we start realising there is a little child who was so badly treated and we start feeling for that child. I personally also think it is a mark of progress when we acknowledge that.

Wishing you well, Slashy.

[Papa Coco]

Good point, Narckiddo,

When we start to feel compassion for our inner child, it shows we are starting to understand the damage that was done, which is the first step in any healing.

It's painful, but it begins the journey of healing.

[Papa Coco]

Slashy

I'm sorry you're starting to feel the pain again. I hope that the friendships your making on the forum are able to bring some comfort to you as you feel this. The beauty of this community is that we understand each other in ways that hopefully help us each feel less alone with our (sometimes painful) healing journey.

I truly believe that I can handle a lot more grief when I know I have people on my side ready to send a hug emoji or a few kind words when I feel alone and adrift.

I'm sending you a hug emoji now. It carries true emotion and support with it. I hope you can feel that. 

I very much enjoy interacting with you. I hope that helps in some way.

PC.

[GoSlash27]

Papa Coco,
 Not to diminish my support for anyone else on this forum *in any way*, but I feel my most personal connection is with you personally. I feel like when you have a small victory, I've somehow had one too.

 My T recommended Pete Walker to me. I didn't attend real "school" in 1985/86, but they did teach me how to speed read, so I read "Surviving to Thriving" last week.
 It's both frustrating and vindicating to read how easily he was able to describe me as a person in seemingly random terms just because I was an abused kid who happened to go "freeze/flee". From the 'tech nerd' career to the 'adrenaline junkie' hobbies and the 'hoarder' tendencies. I thought it was just my unique personality, but no. It's sadly typical and I had no idea anything was wrong with me for decades. 

 I feel that heaviness in my chest that indicates "mourning" and I've felt it all week. I've been focusing on it all week, but for whatever reason I've been unable to cry and release it. I feel so much *anger* toward my abusers. I imagine doing the most horrible things to them. Stuff I don't even want to say without a trigger warning.
 That scares me because I'm not 'that guy'. My self identity lies in me not being that way. I'm afraid that somewhere deep inside me I *could* be. I've always feared that.

 Best,
-Slashy


 

 

 

[natureluvr]

It's just beginning to register for me now.
 They took away my childhood. Ruined my relationship with my siblings. Reprogrammed me into survival mode for my entire adult life. 

 That poor little child!! This is the heaviness I've been feeling the last couple weeks; mourning.

 It's all part of the healing process; I've got to roll with it and I guess cry a lot until I get it out of my system and start to rebuild. I'm so out of touch with my emotions, I have a hard time telling the difference between different emotions. Anxiety, fear, sadness, anger. They all feel the same.

Best,
-Slashy

HI Slashy.  This sounds to me like a big step forward in recovery. Pete Walker and others talk about self compassion being a healthy thing, and it sounds like you are going in that direction. 

I feel that heaviness in my chest that indicates "mourning" and I've felt it all week. I've been focusing on it all week, but for whatever reason I've been unable to cry and release it. I feel so much *anger* toward my abusers. I imagine doing the most horrible things to them. Stuff I don't even want to say without a trigger warning.
 That scares me because I'm not 'that guy'. My self identity lies in me not being that way. I'm afraid that somewhere deep inside me I *could* be. I've always feared that.

I can relate.  I had such rage toward my abuser(s), that I too had similar fantasies.  Doing stuff to get the anger out (express it) in harmless ways has helped a lot.  You have every reason and right to be angry.  What they did to you was so wrong and unjust. 

[Papa Coco]

Slashy and Naturluvr, you've both said some beautiful things to me today. I want you to know that my heart is all warm and squishy now  . I have deep respect for both of you too, and the things you've both said to me today in posts have meant more than I can express. From my heart to yours,   

-----


In the following response, I am speaking only for myself. I am aware that while we are all similar in our CPTSD, we are also different and unique. I always just hope that if I share my experiences, that anyone who reads them can decide for themselves if they want to explore them too.
 
For 50 years I balked at anyone who said I had anger in me. They were wrong. I was always focused on being kind and a doormat. I did, coincidentally, have ulcers and Gastrointestinal digestion issues, and highish blood pressure, and moments of suicidal acts, and chronic chest pains, and abusive alcohol consumption, and depression, and outbursts of terror, and chronic nightmares, and dissociative trances during stressful situations...but anger? No. I was calm as a cucumber. (I'm being sarcastic: Unexpressed anger caused ALL of the above).

My T had once taught me that my inability to identify and express my own anger was the cause of my dissociative trances. He said that every time I had good reason to get angry, I'd go blank instead. My face would drain of color and my eyes would go out of focus. My mouth would dry, and I'd become mute. I couldn't speak or comprehend language. All because I had no skills on how to accept and manage anger.

THEN, in 2010, when my selfish, disrespectful family finally got so ugly that even I couldn't love them anymore, my anger gushed out like a volcano. I confess that the newfound anger felt great --and horrible-- at the same time. Like with many of us, I was taught that I wasn't allowed to be angry. (Hint: The one thing bullies hate the most is when their victims stand up to them. So those bullies who had us from birth, made sure to teach us to NEVER stand up them).

I believe the anger was good for me. My T believes in good anger and bad anger. Good anger is when we deserve to be angry, so we accept that it's there, and we let it flow. Bad anger is when we divert it to the wrong place, go on a physical rampage, and take it out on ourselves or someone who doesn't deserve it. Good anger doesn't hurt anyone. My 14-year anger helped me to identify, accept and *own* my boundaries. The anger showed me where people had crossed the line from being coaches to being bullies. One by one I remembered the various times when someone crossed that line and just became a bully. Anger gave me this gift: I learned about my own boundaries and discovered that I don't have to just sit back and let people cross them.

Whenever I cook chicken in my pressure cooker, I love that moment when I turn the little nob and let out the pressure. I think of that as me letting out the 50 years of built-up steam in me that was cooking me from the inside out. Releasing that pressure feels SOOOO good. (As long as I'm not hurting anybody with my release).

I'm feeling done with the anger now. Not knowing how to let it go, I began a search for a teacher, and I found a book on Amazon that that's helping me do so: Letting Go: The Pathway of Surrender, by David R. Hawking. I don't know if this book is for everyone, or if it would have made any sense to me at all a month ago, but at this time in my healing journey, it's currently speaking to me in a good way. I think that when we are ready, the right books come along. If we try to read them when we're not ready, they don't help.

I think that if anger is allowed to flourish in a productive way, it gives us the gift of identifying our boundaries so we can learn where they are, learn how to defend them, and then move on in our healing. I'm glad to have had the anger. I'm relieved that 14 years was long enough and I can move on now.

And lordknows, most of us CPTSD folks on this forum have the right to be darned angry at some people from our past. We just need to be certain we don't take it out on ourselves, or others who don't deserve it, and as long as we don't hurt anyone or "lash out."

[NarcKiddo]

Sorry to flood your journal by continuing the discourse on anger, Slashy, and do please say if you would prefer me to take this to another thread for discussion. But I just wanted to pick up on Papa Coco's point about good and bad anger. I read somewhere that good anger is just that - anger. And that bad anger tends to be rage. When we see red and just lose it. Someone can be angry and express that anger but also be in full control and not lashing out. Like Papa C, I was not allowed to be angry. That was reserved for my mother, but when I think back she was never angry. She RAGED. Still does. It's a horrible thing to witness. Worse if directed at you, especially as a defenceless child.

In terms of letting the anger out, though, I have found physical methods to be far more effective and comforting than imagining all the awful things I would like to do. And then feeling guilty because I am not that person and I don't actually want to do awful things to anyone. Not even my mother. I took up boxing which has been a tremendous help. People in the gym joke around and ask me who I am pretending to hit as I batter the bag into oblivion. I can, quite truthfully. answer that I do not assign any identity to the bag. I'm just letting out my fight reaction in a healthy way.

[GoSlash27]

 All,
 I found out today that all of the things you're talking about are what's going on with me. I thought that the heaviness in my chest was "sadness", but it's actually fear. That's why I couldn't cry and release it. I'm so out of touch with my emotions that I have a hard time telling them apart. 
 Yeah. I have an inner "Tuco" (I've named him) who I was unaware of and have had locked away since childhood. I'm understandably terrified of him.
 You folks are giving me very useful insights into what I'll learn as I progress.

Thanks,
-Slashy

[GoSlash27]

 I need to better understand the DBR process. I go through it, feel and describe the physical sensations, and then I'm in a weird place emotionally that evening. Panic attacks, emotional swings, physical exhaustion, weird dreams...
 I get that this is *supposed* to happen, but it's very unsettling. I don't like when things are happening to me that I don't understand.
--------------------------
 I should also add the episode that was the 'trigger' for today's DBR.
 I was at the local '80s arcade with my son, eating poutine and watching Back to the Future. My son asked me what year it was released, and I thought about it. '86 or '87, surely.
 I have a timeline anchored around specific events. I was *definitely* in Western Psych during my breakdown in January '86. I know this because that's when the space shuttle challenger blew up. I had been listening to the launch cooped up on the window ledge in my room on my transistor radio.
 I went to live with my father after I was released. He was single. *VERY* single. He rescued his GF and her children after I was in WP, not before. We saw Back to the Future in the theater together. I vividly remember the ride home. '86 or '87.
 I googled it just to be sure. It was released in the summer of '85. That answer doesn't fit in with my timeline and it upset my entire day.
 I hate it. I hate not clearly remembering where I lived when, the chronological order of events, the names of my teachers or even the schools I went to.
 My childhood is a jumbled half- obscured minefield. If I probe around too much, it elicits terrible responses.
 I'm not the sort of person that handles question marks well. When I have questions, I have a compulsive *need* to find answers. That doesn't work well with my survival response about not examining my childhood too closely. I need to know some of this stuff. Not all the gory details, just a basic reliable timeline. But at the same time I've subconsciously obscured all of that and punish myself for looking there at all.
 

 
 

[Papa Coco]

Slashy,

I can feel the distress that you're talking about through your writing. I guess empathy comes from having felt similar things and knowing how to feel it again with another person.

In one or two of the books I've read lately, I think it might have been The Body Keeps the Score, the author talks about how our memories don't always file themselves in chronological order, but they attach to similar events or feelings, leaving us confused as we try to piece together the novel that is our life.

Still, it's unsettling. Even if it's not technically important that I remember chronologically, it feels like I'm crazy when I can't put the dates or the order to events.

I feel your unsettled questions. Once again, all I can offer is, you're not alone with this type of distress. Memories I can't place in the timeline have left me feeling uneasy and like I'm not sure if I trust my memories at all if I can't logically place them in the right order.

The experts say it's more important that we respect the validity and emotional feelings attached to the memories than it is the order and dates, but still...I do wish life was a little less chaotic and a bit more orderly.