dollyvee's recovery journal

[dollyvee]

Joanne Twombly talks about Multiple Reality Disorder where parts can be stuck in different times and need to be reoriented to the present.

"Clients with dissociative disorders and complex PTSD may have parts who are not able to learn coping skills, be witnessed and/or unburdened, until they are retrieved/oriented to the present. Parts "living" in their childhood, experiencing the felt sense of being abused and neglected every day, may not believe it's safe to communicate or work on anything until they have been oriented to the present.

Old messages including threats about what will happen if they tell and lies communicating that safety can only be found by following family rules, can be remarkably tenacious. In addition, adult parts of the system may not want exiles in the present because of fear (or the reality) that they may be too disruptive."

After reading about bringing parts into the present and going inside to try and talk to my own parts about this, I passed out for about 30-45mins. I think it was an experience of strong disassociation. Still feel a bit off with this one. I think it could be a bit of both, that I have parts that are still stuck in the past as well as adult parts that worry what will happen (and if control will be lost) if I bring those parts into the present.

I talked with t about the feeling where I am talking about my experience of something and she makes a suggestion of what it might be, or that maybe "that feeling of not good enough is under everything," reminds me of my gm turning what I would say (about my experience) into something else. I guess it denies my experience/right to exist, which I think feels deeply threatening. She listened and I felt as if a part was very nervous speaking about this as if something bad would happen, or I would be abandoned etc. It also just made me very nervous to speak about those things. I don't know if parts fully took it in, or saw, that I was in the present.

I do experience parts as being in the past and it comes up as these things are "removed" from each other. I don't know if it was a "dream," if I could hear parts because I was half asleep and more relaxed, or was prompted by what Hope wrote in her journal, but the other night I "heard" should we show her what happened? And it made me pretty anxious.

I also learned that basically, we don't/our parts don't have the coping skills etc because we were watching our parent(s) with their own maladaptive coping skills. It came up that narcissists are basically dissociated because they relate to others through a false reality. Perhaps, the dissociation is partly "learned" through watching my family members and their connection to reality.

I think I need some time to process absorb everything that's happening.

[Blueberry]

Hi Dollyvee,
I've just been reading quite a number of your recent posts. I can relate to a lot. Particularly interesting for me is what you write about your parts and dissociation - it's useful for me to read in relation to my own parts. It sounds as if you're further along than I am so that gives me helpful input too.

I don't know of the Joanne Twombly book (but I can google it obviously). Is that the one you're referring to when you talk about the trauma and dissociation book? I have a t&d book, but it's by Boon, Steele and Hart and I always forget the exact title in English. I haven't so far managed to really get into it and work with it, repeat the exercises, well apart from Chapter 1 last year inpatient. You're obviously further along in the actual work with the book    

I was really interested to read about your forest place as safe place (tho I think you call it something slightly different from 'safe'). I had a particular safe place for one part and it didn't seem safe at all objectively speaking. A tiny island in the middle of the ocean with huge waves crashing against the rocks a foot or two from the part's feet and always in the dark. My brilliant T of the past 5 years was able to help me communicate with the part about why that particular place? Feeling safe meant being alone, which is likely to happen on such an inhospitable island! When I mentioned this dangerous-seeming place which the part wouldn't leave, a previous T from way back said 'Oh yeah, inner children particularly like dangerous places' which made me think there was something wrong with the place and that I needed to get that particular part off it 'sometime'. Previous T was obviously not as well informed or as experienced. If you feel 'bad' or 'wrong' about places because of something your T said about those places, I'd suggest talking to her if you can. Based on my experiences, you can't have the wrong place in your imagination. That place has a reason for being in your imagination.

[dollyvee]

Thanks for stopping by Blueberry - it's news to me that I have dissociation. I thought it was just spacing out or daydreaming, not that there were parts dissociated from me. I don't think I have DID, but it was very interesting that she put CPTSD in the list of dissociative disorders. I'm glad that you related to what I wrote and have some experience with it.

This is the book here and it's quite an easy read. I will have a look at the one you mentioned. Also, the Janina Fisher book on Healing our Fragmented Selves is supposed to be good as well. I don't know how far along I am as I feel like I'm just putting the pieces together that this is a thing for me, but I do find her exercises helpful.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Trauma-Dissociation-Informed-Internal-Systems/dp/B0BRXZWP5C/ref=sr_1_1?crid=DIMLBMWLXIA5&keywords=joanne+twombly+internal+family+systems+trauma+and+dissociation&qid=1692644506&sprefix=joanne+twombly+internal+family+systems+trauma+and+dissociation%2Caps%2C125&sr=8-1

I'm glad you realized there was something about the place that the part needed and it was not "bad." She has a very good way of describing in the book how you can begin to look around, or ask the part if there's anything there that it needs to feel safe, or is helpful ie is there a tall building the part can shelter in away from the waves etc. I think the power of suggestion is very tricky for NPD children because we are so used to not trusting our internal system.
 
I agree about telling the t what feels right, but what I'm realizing is that, on an unconscious level, there is a learned helplessness and the idea that someone knows better than me because of how I was brought up. To have my feelings etc shut down, and for so long, in such a way that I don't think it's a problem or could know any better. I think there's a part that does this because it needs the other people to be safe, or do what the other people are suggesting so that I can get better and be "safe."I guess there was no proof that I could trust my internal system, and that the things my gm was saying wouldn't come true. So I needed, or looked to someone else in the same way as I did with my gm. It's just what I'm sensing happened. Saying no, and asserting things is a tricky one.

[Hope67]

I do experience parts as being in the past and it comes up as these things are "removed" from each other. I don't know if it was a "dream," if I could hear parts because I was half asleep and more relaxed, or was prompted by what Hope wrote in her journal, but the other night I "heard" should we show her what happened? And it made me pretty anxious.

Hi Dollyvee,
I thought about what you said here, and wanted to say that I remember in the night that I had invited parts to 'show me things' - and that the effect of that had been overwhelming for me.  Therefore since that time, I've often said to the parts - 'I'm happy for you to show me some things, but please don't overwhelm me' and somehow that instruction/request has worked out - as they haven't overwhelmed me like they did on that other occasion.

I have put the name of the book by Joanne Twombley on my list of books I think I'll buy - but probably not till later in the year, but I am grateful that you have said some things from that book in your journal, as it sounds very interesting and relevant to stuff I've been looking at myself.

 

Hope 

[dollyvee]

Thank you Hope - that's interesting. I don't remember reading that you asked your parts to do that. I thought it was just the expereince of talking to them in the night so that they were more settled.

I did one of Joanne Twombly's tapping exercises to bring all parts into the room (for people who don't have a connection to their parts). Just below the clavicle it was fine, but then I remembered she suggested tapping on the outside of the arms with them folded across the chest, and that brought up this feeling of fear right away. Just panic and fear and needing to run.

I feel like I have two modes right now, being worried that something is going to happen, and trying to space out/block that out (tho I do wonder if this is essentially bringing it on/self sabotaging as I'm not proactive and doing things). T has brought up before that my experience growing up was always that something bad was going to happen, or the good would be overturned. So, maybe now I'm sort of self sabotaging because I'm ready for those bad things and that's an environment I know (and can blame myself for bringing it on). Work has been going well, though maybe not as busy, and am going away on vacation. In a part of my mind though, it's going to end in disaster (not going to have any money) and how can I spend this money going away. This is where the lines do get blurred though because I think the cost of living crisis has a very significant impact on a lot of people and it's something to factor in. Everything has gotten more expensive and doesn't seem to be slowing down with no help for rents/utilities from government etc. I also wonder if this is a young part that is thinking about this things and not an adult part. It was celebrated by my gf about how cheap he was. Any time I spent money on something nice, it was must be nice to have so much money etc.

I had the experience recently of someone quoting some conspiracy theory garbage at me about that I found distressing. I think perhaps because what they were talking about was a situation that directly impacted my family. Anyways, I showed them a newspaper article and they basically ended up saying that they were older ("more wise") and that they believed they were helping people (morally superior) etc etc. I looked up how to deal with conspiracy theorists and there was information out there about what to do. I later reassured my parts that see, I am an adult and am able to research now on how to handle people like that. Looking back at her now, I do wonder if this person is a covert narcissist. Though, they could just have a very thin connection to reality.   

[dollyvee]

I did the tapping exercise again after recording myself doing the voice instructions for it. Actually after the second time doing the exercise, I felt more relaxed and I guess more in the present. Something still felt off though, or maybe I worried myself into feeling off or there was the underlying anxiety that I couldn't shake? I had a relook at a "self holding exercise" I found when I was first starting IFS that I posted in my journal. Rereading it now makes more sense. I'm also noticing that there is a part of me fighting doing these exercises and writing in my journal.

"If one has no access to Self, concepts such as self-esteem and self-defense can be confusing. They may make sense intellectually but not experientially. It's not that one does not care about these concepts, one may care a lot about them; it's just that they make no sense without an embodied experience of Self.

Accessing Self would also allow access to the inner knowing of what one wants some refer to as "My Truth" or "My Personal Truth" as well as one's Personal Will, the "decider" or action-taker. The ideas of Personal Truth and Personal Will probably are difficult for someone who has no access to Self to really truly "get.

There is a baffling passivity that comes with having no access to Self and being stuck in states of Immobility (deer in headlights) Dissociation (mind is in another time/place) and Hyperaraousal (uncontrollable terror). Of course, as the agent of life (Self and Will) has been totally obfuscated and lost, passivity would be expected. These exercises help gently bring one out of this extreme passivity."

https://www.new-synapse.com/aps/wordpress/?p=234

I think I fluctuate between all three states. The hyperarousal coming up the other day during the tapping exercise, but could be perhaps underneath quite a few feelings. I did this exercise and the first part, or shift, went very fast. When I first connected, it was like my mind was racing all over the place. The second one took a lot longer and I don't know if I actually "shifted," or had the change of state she is referring to. At first I felt like this kind of very stiff shell, or maybe exoskeleton, inside kind of rising up. Maybe it was just becoming aware of it. Then, I felt a lot of memories about when I went to school, the school of my choice after I left the path my family wanted me to go on. There were a some feelings around that like maybe I wasn't seen there (or successful?), or got validation for my creativity, like it wasn't good enough, but also how carefree it was and just went out and did stuff.

So, I don't feel like that experience "completed," but I also felt/got the impression that it wasn't going anywhere and was kind of stuck. I'm not sure why it came up about that time, maybe because I am going back to my hometown shortly and the last time I lived there was around that time. I'm also thinking of moving back and maybe I kind of have a fantasy about what it will be like, or there's things coloring my ideas of what it would be like. I guess it also made me aware of what I am accomplishing (or not accomplishing) and putting out into the world.
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The also very funny thing I noticed is that my new gym friend has a veery similar history to my family's history. I don't know if I subconsciously picked someone like my grandparents to feel safe with, or someone to trauma bond with

[dollyvee]

I was talking to t about some of the things coming up with protection being one of them and how my gm protected my m from her biological father's abuse (as gm describes it) and maybe had some kind of abuse like that herself. I got the "impression" that t was sympathetic to my gm, or that it was up to me to "forgive" my gm for all that happened (and allow it to happen (?), and perhaps that I was wrong for holding onto this or feeling this way though I didn't recognize this until after). I became really upset and defensive with t, feeling like I had to defend myself and what I was doing, that I was alone in understanding what it was like to go through those things, and maybe some anxiety that I was "wrong" for doing those things (later saw this as guilt).

T asked me what was making me cry and I said frustration. I also told her that it was funny because here I was trying to focus on my life and sort things out and I felt like I was back in the same place, talking about my gm and feeling like she was taking all of the focus on her. I also felt like t was upset that I called my gm a victim, and tried to explain my frustration over having to rush to her side every time there was a health "crisis" only to watch her repeat the same behaviours until another one came and we were expected to rush to her side worried again.

Other people have gone through similar things to her and have not come out like that. The new gym friend is a good example. I could feel the part of me trying to protect my "self" and not have it engulfed by this, and all the things I should do. I think guilt was very familiar, and probably from very early on. The feeling I have of "giving my power over," and thinking other people know better than me, is an almost automatic response at times. I tried to communicate this to t and how I think it comes from being enmeshed with my gm and the right to have these boundaries (and a self) feels very chaotic when people get too close to this. It was very emotional to talk about these things. I tried to state that I do have empathy for  what my gm went through, but also that empathy very easily turns into guilt or feeling like I have to do something. She also asked me about my anger towards my gm, and looking back i think it comes from trying to have boundaries when I was the one who was "supposed" to save my gm (in the files from her psychologist, he describes that our relationship was the only thing that made her happy/feel better). At the time, I think I was probably the little child part who had to go through these things and feel guilty if she didn't do them, but also didn't want to do them. I really felt like I was back in the same place of having to justify myself yesterday with my gm as the "poor me" in the background.

I guess as an outsider looking in maybe that sounds harsh, but I think if someone went through having an NPD mother/gm it's maybe familiar. T said that she was proud of me. It was also very emotional just to express myself and set those "boundaries" with t and say what I think was happening (and not have it turn into my gm asking why I was angry at her and feel guilty for expressing myself).
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Growing up it was always, don't be angry when I was upset and I think as I became a teenager any time I expressed something to do with my gm or her behaviour (setting a boundary etc), it became why are you angry at me with her being sad about it/acting hurt. I wouldn't even be angry, just trying to have a discussion about something she was doing or had done that didn't make sense to me and I would end up feeling guilty/frustrated. 

[dollyvee]

So, I had an interesting "bit" after posting this. After commenting on gc's post, I decided to look up the article on legacy burdens in Innovations and Elaborations in IFS and came across a couple things. There was an article on being blended and obstacles to unblending that described a situation close to mine with parts who want to be very active, and then not do anything, where the parts were so polarized and neither wanted to relax control. So, they did a simultaneous unblending. I'm not sure if this was 100% applicable to my parts, or something that just seemed relatable. I very much have a part I think that is very hard working and another which maybe shuts it down because it's scared we'll work all the time. What was also similar to the article is the idea that I had to do these things for a reason, and I am probably "worthy" if i do them, and feel worthless/bad about myself if i don't. I think this is related to what my grandparents/family expected of me.

The other thing that very much popped out was the idea of loyalty in the article on legacy burdens. This is such a powerful thing and I don't even know how fully conscious of how loyal I am to my family despite of everything that's happened. How/why did it take 10/11 years for me to even acknowledge what my second t said about my mom being a narcissist? Enmeshment is a factor, but isn't that a kind of loyalty as well? I also wonder about the dissociation coming up, and passing out, when reading about parts coming into the present. These parts could be scared about coming into the present and lack knowledge of the resources adult me has, but *they can also perhaps be loyal to the grandparents and mom that they wanted to protect, or felt like they wanted to help, and didn't want to leave. I see adult me as a loyal person, and I get the feeling that this came from childhood.

The other thing which popped up in the legacy burden article was the realization of how the client's problem solving part and helpless part (also both dealing with their own feelings of worthlessness) sounded like her father and mother's relationship. I started to wonder after reading this about my feelings that came up in my session with t, and I wondered if, to an extent, my criticism of my gm was maybe a reflection of how critical my grandfather was to her and the frustration over not being able to do anything was a reflection of my gm's helplessness (learned or not). They were going through a divorce when I was around 2 and I know I would have been exposed to these dynamics. I think there was also an implied loyalty to my gf, he always wanted to know that we loved him. I think I also felt a loyalty to my gm in that I felt like I had to take care of her (because I was the one that made her feel better). I think there is a freedom in this knowing this isn't all my stuff, only a portion.

[Papa Coco]

Hi Dolly,

That's interesting how you related to that article and your grandparents.  It makes me think about how my current inner IFS resembles my FOO and my upbringing.

I remember reading a fascinating book back in the 1990s called "why we do what we do". I can't remember the author's name, but the book was a series of about 111 questions that I answered on paper. Twice. The first half of the book asked 111 questions that I was to answer from my childhood. In other words, "When you were a child, describe your relationship with your mother" Then the same questions were asked about your father, Gm, Gf, school, peers, siblings, etc. It asked about interests, what made me happy, what was I afraid of, etc.  Once I'd answered all those questions as a child on paper, the second half of the book asked me to relate to my today self. It asked roughly the same 111 questions, but this time it asked about how I relate to my children and spouse and boss and job, etc. I can say that by this time, I'd written so much that I really didn't remember the answers I'd given as my 4-year-old self. But when I was all finished with the entire book, I reviewed my own writings and answers to all 222 questions and was shocked to discover that my answers of how I relate today to people and situations, and even God, told a very bold story about how my current life was influenced by my childhood life. Speaking only for myself, I guess you could say that, for me, my current Internal Family System sure looks a lot like my childhood's External Family system.

I will say that, for me, the thing I was most shocked at was that my relationship with my parents was one where they told me they loved me, but when I wasn't what THEY wanted me to be, they'd threaten to disown me, ignore me. My mom would say "I'll put you on the street with a for sale sign on you." My parents had money and time, but no matter what I asked for, they usually refused to give it to me, which made me feel like their love for me was conditional and they really didn't have my best interest at heart. I sometimes felt punished if they gave me something I wanted. They'd often blame my getting a bike or an ice cream made them lose out on something they wanted. I'd feel unworthy to ask for things. Later, when I got to the current day questions about how I felt about God, what I wrote was almost exactly the same as what I'd written about my parents when I was a child. I wrote that God tells me to pray to him, but when I do, he punishes me for asking for help. My view of God was that I was unlovable, even though he gave me life. Exactly how I'd felt about my parents when I was a child. He threatens to send me out of his grace if I don't comply with his wishes. (I'm no longer a Christian. This book may have been part of what brought me to the decision to be spiritual but not religious). It was so exactly the same as how I'd felt about my parents when I was a kid, that I came to truly understand that the family who raised me truly set the programming for who I would become when it became my turn to be the adult.

What you wrote above just made me think about that book and about how my upbringing forged my beliefs in who I am and who I relate to today.

Secondly, you used the word loyalty a lot in this post. You mentioned that your loyalty played a part in how you related with your family. That word tends to send a shiver down my spine. Loyalty is how my narcissistic sister and parents and friends kept me in their control for so many decades. All those sayings about how family sticks together and how we owe it to them to put up with their abuse because of the loyalty of family. While true loyalty is a great trait, it's a trait that is easily used as handcuffs to keep us bound to a person, brand, merchant, ideal or any other entity regardless of whether the relationship is good for us or not. 

Loyalty is a good thing when we have legitimate reasons for being loyal. It's a curse when we are loyal because we're told to be. Narcistic family members use loyalty to keep their "servants" and their "scapegoats" in line. Advertisers use Loyalty to buy customers. When I was a boy, my dad was a Chevy man. My best friend's dad was a devout Ford man. I used to ask why it mattered. Then one day in a Psychology Today article, the author mentioned that in the 1950s, advertisers realized that if they could get car buyers to be loyal to their brand, they could make any junk they wanted to and their loyal customers would buy it anyway. Hence the massive sales of the Vega and the Pinto. Terrible cars that loyal customers felt they should buy.  So to me, loyalty is a great thing, but it's a good idea for me to always apply critical thinking exercises when I'm wondering why I keep letting someone, or something keep me loyal to them. Sometimes the loyalty is a bond that saves, other times it just prolongs the agony of the relationship.

I like your thought about how loyalty plays a part within your IFS. It makes glaringly good sense to me, that my loyalty to my sister and narcissistic friends was driven by various IFS parts feeling loyalty to them.

I think of loyalty as a great thing, but it's a tool that needs to be monitored and adjusted. Loyalty drives voters to vote party rather than person. It drives wars and many other dangerous behaviors. But loyalty, if it's done with critical thinking, gives us the staying power to be helpful to people who need help. It drives us to forgive those who we are loyal to, and if we put our loyalties in the right place, we can do a lot of good in this world. If we put our loyalties in the wrong place, we just prolong our own suffering.

These are just some of the thoughts I had about my own life while reading your post.

[dollyvee]

Thank you PC    I want to respond but need to put some things I'm experiencing recently first.

So, I've come back to my hometown and am spending time with my father's sister. It's hitting me like a train. I've come on the forum, read people's' replies/thoughts etc, and it doesn't make me feel so crazy etc for being myself (of my healing self). The thing is, I do love my aunt and I think there's a lot of good qualities. Maybe it's just the negatives that are grating in me right now.

My dad and his siblings had a difficult upbringing. As I've known my gm (his mom), she's been an alcoholic, fun yes, fly off the handle in a rage while drinking, also yes. I remember being around 4/5 and my dad anf gm getting into a huge fight at Christmas dinner. I don't think we ever went back for a Xmas dinner there. I kind of brought up a few things with my aunt before about gm being an alcoholic and her response was times were different back then, people had it harder etc. Yesterday it was she wasn't always an alcoholic, it was only after the kids started to leave etc (but also gm and gp liked to party while we were growing up and then they would fight). My therapy/trauma brain is thinking that my aunt is in the mode of "my childhood wasn't so bad," "other people had it worse etc" that I think is the denial/survival skill many of us on here are familiar with before we actually acknowledge how bad it was.

The problem is is that even if I tiptoe around it and try and drop  thoughts about trauma, it's like an accepting but not really accepting of things. Like other people have trauma, but I've pulled myself up by my bootstraps and I did ok), or the white knuckle/push everything down approach. Any sort of mention of therapy/psychological things is a n acknowledgement that they exist, but also not something that she'd be willing to try. She was surprised that my dad involved me in some of his group meetings, and I got the impression that this wasn't/isn't stuff to talk about. I brought up that dad was the only sibling in therapy, or went to therapy to try and deal with stuff and she said it was because he was developing OCD. When I brought up the connection between mold and OCD, and that dad didn't have this his whole life, I don't think it really registered.

I think about my dad and how it must have been difficult to be the only sibling going through the healing process and dealing with a family that maybe didn't fully understand.  I guess this is the first time I'm seeing my aunt as close minded about things even though my cousin has mentioned it before. I'm also thinking about the ways this behaviour shows up in me.

[Papa Coco]

Hi Dolly,

Sounds like you had an interesting and eye-opening visit with your aunt. I agree with your comments about there being a little bit of denial there, and that she's still living in the "It wasn't so bad" place of denial. 

No doubt your grandparents' drinking and partying was tough on your dad and his siblings. Booze and fighting affect kids. In my family, I'm one of five siblings, and I too am the only one who ever opened my eyes to the abuse and who went to therapy. It kind of supports my theory that millions (or billions) of human beings are dealing with lifelong trauma, but only a small percentage of us ever open our minds and accept that we were negatively impacted by it, and we'd be different today had we been raised in a more respectful environment.

I wonder who your aunt would be had she been raised without the erratic, "fly off the handle", and arguing behaviors of her parents. That kind of stuff stresses kids out whether they want to accept it or not.

If she ever does open up to the idea that she's been in denial/survival mode for years, she'll be lucky that she has you on her side. You've blazed a trail that if she chooses to follow it, you'll be there as her guide to the healing process.  If she doesn't ever consider that her parents did some harm, well...you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.

[dollyvee]

I too often think of forums like this as the ones who "made it" to the other side. We don't really hear about the ones who are stuck in "it wasn't so bad," only the ones who are trying to change.

I guess it's just frustrating/stressful because in that denial there is also a push for a "fantasy" of how things are, which I see showing up in little ways. The nephews are really smart etc (tho all grandparents think their kids are gifted to a degree), but unwilling to look at that they might have behavioural issues (which have magically gotten a lot better), or another cousin posting this kind of fantasy life on Instagram with aunt saying won't all the people be jealous.

I just kind of let this stuff go before, but seeing the connection to my dad and erasing the what happened, is making it harder to do. Of course, if you say something it's stirring the pot, looking to explode.

I do think my aunt cares very much about her daughter and grand kids, and tried to change the life she grew up with, but I think there's blind spots that have come with that too that she's unwilling to look at. Unfortunately too, it feels like I may have blazed a trail but it's something that would open mr to criticism about "not doing the accepted thing." She tried to go in on my cousin the other night, who is just fine with her life choices and very happy where's she's at. Of course her daughter is the one who has done everything "right." My other cousin has said that it's an endurance test to be around them and they're getting worse with age.

I'm really getting the familiar feeling of walking on eggshells that I had around my father at times and the need to very much hide what I'm thinking because it's going to be taken wrong. All of a sudden I'm a teenager wearing baggy clothes again.

[dollyvee]

I like your thought about how loyalty plays a part within your IFS. It makes glaringly good sense to me, that my loyalty to my sister and narcissistic friends was driven by various IFS parts feeling loyalty to them.

Thank you for your reflections PC. I think within those parts that feel loyalty there is potentially a legacy burden, something I'm taking on out of loyalty to the family, even though it's not mine.

It felt so good to be back last summer and now it's just difficult. I think I'm starting to see some of the issues on my dad's side that I never really looked at before. Yes my family is kind on that side but they're also in denial and that's not a good place for me to be. I'm starting to see why I felt the need to check out from everyone and go do my own thing. It's supportive, but only to a point, and an underlying sense of competitiveness which my other cousin confirmed. I think I'm just really struggling with the sense of being alone like I felt as a teenager as I was going through all of this. At least I guess it just confirms that there was a reason to feel those things I was feeling at the time and I wasn't being difficult, or unreasonable.

[dollyvee]

I took a trip to the home I went to live in with my dad yesterday and I guess ultimately, is where he died. I didn't go inside, but it's on the real estate market for a crazy price, and as my aunt said, who knew. Finding it hard not to feel scammed about that, that it's just one more thing I've missed out on, left to fend for myself. But that's an aside, sort of.

Before I came back, I was having difficulty remember what the street looked like that was across from the park, which was next to my high school. It bothered me, so I went on google maps to look it up and walked the streets that I walked coming home from high school. Though I don't think I was ever walking back to that house, but to my friends that lived in the area. When my dad was alive, I went to a different high school. My new school was brand new and I was meant to be starting it after the summer after my dad died. I didn't really want my routine disrupted (or it felt too traumatic to start a new high school on top of everything that happened). So, my grandmother would take me, which was a 10/15 min drive away. But what I'm remembering as I write this, is that I often took the bus in the morning before I could drive (and I'm seeing now why driving continues to be a source of pride because it was my independence from my family once I learned). I think I took the bus to not be a "burden" on my grandmother because she was "frail" and had issues and I was "thrust" upon them. This is how I saw it in my head. I could and did take the bus to be independent, but I think my grandmother "preferred" to be involved and maybe that's why I'm "forgetting" my independence? This is interesting.

I think I also took rides from my grandmother because she took me directly to my best friend's house (at the time) and then we would walk to school together. In my mind we were exceptionally close, but perhaps this had more to do with codependence and not being able to fully comprehend everything that was going on at the time.  It's also interesting that this was also not a situation which fostered my independence.

I'm writing this because I think there is very much a part, or parts, that are not in the present. As I was driving around the neighbourhood and past the park, I knew I had been back to these places in dreams. I could also see that the neighbourhood had very much changed and was in the process of changing, but it was like a part of me couldn't fully take that in? I looked at the listing photos of the house and while I could very much see that it had changed, I was also drawn to remembering what it was like when I lived there.

[dollyvee]

I've been having weird symptoms since I came back from my trip. I guess a part of me feels like I'm crashing back into my life here and messing it up? That could be old thinking, but there's a shift and I'm not 100% sure what's causing it. I've been ill and gaining weight again, but also that it's so hard to connect to people.

While I was away I went to an alternative bookstore that I used to love 20 years ago. It's like I've forgotten that metaphysical part in a way, but not completely. I think it's still there behind the IFS, meditation etc, but I guess I just feel like a totally different person. After picking up a book, I decided to get some energy work done. It may seem out there for some, but I think the things she talks about in the book make a lot of sense. When she spoke about people who always feel like they have to guard their energy, and that it's as if there's no protection/boundaries, I felt like it described all the things I have been feeling over the years that t's don't 100% seem to get. I know I've mentioned this to t and the response was, why does it bother you? And it's like I can't not let it, even after all these years in therapy. So, I decided to try this as an experiment. I'm not trying to blame t here or critisize, just thatI don't feel like anyone has ever 100% "got" this feeling that I experience, and even after knowing it intellectually in therapy, it's like I still can't emotionally shift it.

Last night was the first session and she did a clearing as well as some ancestral work. When my male ancestors came to me to help with healing, I spontaneously broke out into tears and just cried. I thought/realized the lack of men in my life, or role models (I don't know the right word here), and maybe how I've been "failed" by men. Again, I don't know if that's the right word. Afterwards, she told me that the women were lined up very closely to each other and that she facilitated creating space for the men to come and integrate with the women. I told her that I could relate to this image as my gm frequently told me that, "you couldn't trust men," and it was sort of like we've had to fend without them (gm, m all choosing not great relationships and me trying to go it on my own sort of).

The other thing that came up was just how foreign the idea of having ancestors to help is. I'm struggling with this a bit I think. In my mind, I think because there was no help that I knew in my family, it's hard to find a connection to the idea that there are helpful ancestors. I guess it's just a feeling like there's just dead family tree above me, but also maybe that that's not true as there must have been strength to survive and endure this long. I also wonder, if it perhaps is so difficult to fathom because it challenges what I have been told about my family from my gm, or the part of me that was told, "it's your family that will always be there for you," as an excuse to accept their treatment has resistance to this idea.

They also gave me homework which was to find enjoyment in light hearted things, and get in touch with that part of myself.I I also feel as if that's difficult as I'm pretty sure I've neglected those feelings a lot. When they come up, I'm pretty sure that I'm thinking about security/safety and how people will respond whether I am consciously aware of it or not.

I'm not sure what's going to come of this experiment, but I'm hoping it helps me let go of some things.   

______________________

I'm also rereading some of your thoughts on loyalty PC and realizing how triggering it was to read at the time (not your fault), just the idea takes me back to a place where I think I felt very helpless for a long time (with no one to listen). I think there were a lot of those feelings coming up on this trip whether I realized it or not.