dollyvee's recovery journal

[dollyvee]

Thank you Hope - it's like I never had the consciousness before that I could create a plan for my life and accomplish things. I always felt at the mercy or needing other people, and very slowly I guess I can come to rely on myself and the things I have built for myself. It can be a fleeting feeling though.

I think the pain in the right side is in my neck, but is also where I carry stress. I've had my shoulder seize up with stress before. I think it is related to some very early form of protection. T wants to do some deep brain reprocessing but I am having concerns after what's been coming up.

So, I wanted to put down how I felt after the session with t. I discussed the podcast on IFS and dissociation with her and the things that stuck out for me. When I mentioned/told her about secret parts, I became emotional and when she asked me what was behind that emotion, I didn't know, it just felt like sadness. My voice also became quiet and was a shift from how I normally talk. After the session I wondered if compliant parts were active because I felt like maybe I was trying to reassure her about how I felt, that I was ok.

She thinks that DBR is helpful because it is pre-parts and deals with the shock in the body from attachment wounding. I can see how this is helpful but I'm also concerned how parts, and now secret parts that I'm not fully sure how they're active yet, will respond to something like that. Especially since it feels like it's something outside of my control.

[Denali]

I'm sorry you had to endure so much from the stepfather's issues. Also that no one protected you from the beast.

I can empathize with people knowing what's happening to you, but not putting a stop to it.

I remember getting a lot of you poor thing looks. There were people I thought loved me and claimed they knew I was abused by anti-mom. However, they allowed her to live there and when I came to visit them, I'd be pushed to interact with anti-mom. 

Children are underestimated. There is an idea of when children are young they are oblivious to their environment and going ons.

I agree people feel dangerous. There are times I wish I had a shell to hide in when I have to be around people.

I hope you can enjoy your new flat.

[dollyvee]

Thank you Denali    I'm sorry you had to go through that and weren't protected. I feel like those people are still a big trigger for me in trusting people and opening up. The ones who can see what is going on but don't get involved. It brings up a lot of anger in me and find myself admonishing them for their lack of authenticity. It's like deep down, I know I won't be able to trust those people.

I'm sort of floating with a feeling that comes after being "exposed," or like I've shared to much of myself. I don't think I have I've just been a person, trying to relate and empathize with people. It's kind of like a feeling of dread where all the bad things come up that are out of my control, but I don't think it's overtly conscious.

I have been talking with a friend who has recently gone through a break up. We've had a little chat on social media over the years which has been friendly but also maybe underlying flirtatious. He's asked me if Im coming to my hometown to visit and we've been chatting more. I kind of opened up about stuff yesterday and chatted a bit about IFS, he about his ex when I asked him if he had anyone to talk to. Not implying me, but just concerned that he was able to handle stuff right now. I like talking to him, but also know that he's probably not in the best place for anything further. I went to work with the same kind of feeling/intention as I was with friends that I hadn't seen in a couple months. Maybe it was too open. I feel other people take this as a sign of weakness and I am a target for bullies, or people being overly passive-aggressive/competitive with me. I will emotionally try and remove myself from situations like this, but I also want to stand up for myself.

I also think I anticipate this behaviour from people and lack engagement from the beginning. I guess it's my experience that people don't have the same genuineness or will ultimately "be out for themselves." T and I have been talking about healthy narrcissism this week and it's still something that's hard to wrap my head around. I feel like there was also a feeling of deep down, that I can't stand up for myself or react as well, which is maybe why I feel dealing with passive-aggressive behaviour so difficult. Because if you react, then you are the one with the problem, and it takes me back to being a child where I had to remove myself and not react. Having compassion for people like that is difficult and afterwards I do feel angry tho maybe I am taking on their repressed anger. However, I see it as my fault/something wrong with me/my responsibility.

I feel like after this, I'm going through familiar feelings of it's because of me, there's something wrong with me, I've done something wrong, but almost as if it's repressed? Maybe this is that floating feeling.

[Hope67]

Hi Dollyvee,
You mentioned having a feeling that comes after being 'exposed' or like you've shared too much of yourself, and I wondered if that's reduced now - and how you're feeling now about it?  I hope you don't mind my asking you that, but I related to it - as I had once opened up quite unexpectedly with someone about some personal things and felt incredibly exposed.  But thankfully that feeling did dissipate and reduce over time.  I also didn't feel judged by the person with whom I shared things - although I had wondered what might happen.

That 'floating feeling' - it sounds like it's got a lot encapsulated within it.  I found what you wrote in your journal entry to be very interesting, and it brings up thoughts in my mind - although I can't really express them properly.

Sending you a hug 
Hope 

[dollyvee]

Thank you Hope  I had started writing my post and got busy with work and couldn't finish it. I think your comments are very valid for what I was writing. I remember a bit in the John Bradshaw book where he talked about feeling exposed after sharing. What I'm realizing now is I think that is related to sharing my authentic self and how I never learned to do that growing up because it wasn't safe to do so. I feel like I'm starting to understand that feeling as shame, and just be able to name it, that it doesn't mean I'm inherently flawed etc (or that someone else is better - thanks mom for comparing me to other people throughout my life), as she suggested in the video is opening something new. All this stuff is just shame, it doesn't make it true about me. It's a pattern of thinking of how I learned to survive in the world.
_____________________

This video popped up in my youtube feed. I really like her videos and glean a lot from them.

Toxic Shame: What It Is And How To Heal From It
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y47iJrbO2ug

This one had a lot to unpack and I think it's a core concept/fundemental understanding to myself and how I think/act. However, the process of picking out and identifying shame is not easy. I think it's developed into my identity and is probably the only understanding I've had of myself from a young age.

She saying for the shame bound person there is a difference in your authentic self vs the self you present to the world because at some stage we learned that who we are/our authentic self, is contaminated. So, there is a relief when you can be on your own and be "yourself," instead of being with other people when you realized you must be other/seek validation etc. I think perhaps this is a large part of the dissociation, or humming, I am feeling right now, tapping into this authentic self vs. my other self, but it still doesn't feel right etc.

When I am around people it is as if there is this fear/anxiety that bubbles up in me. Yes, I can chat, I can be personable, but there is also a feeling of guardedness and a relief when I do leave and am on my own. It's like I don't have to force things anymore, or battle this feeling inside that pushes me away from other people. This feeling I think is what I have been trying to understand in therapy for a long time and I guess I can identify it now as toxic shame.   

At the end of the video, she talks about starting to be able to name shame when it shows up in the body and say, "This is a feeling. This is not an objective representation of reality." It's not telling the truth of who a person is, it's just a feeling state. "This was a way of thinking that allowed me to shut down in a way that was adaptive at the time, but it is no longer needed. I am an adult, not a child and I can feel that shame."

These are some other points that I found useful:
 - When our authentic selves become shame bound, we lose connection with our inner wisdom and ability to trust ourselves. To be shame bound we learned from a young age that our feelings didn't matter

 - need for control and to not allow spontaneous feelings to arise

 - will disconnect from feelings and learn to rely on logic to make decisions in all aspects (with no input from emotions/feelings etc which is our very own inner wisdom), or we become dissociated from our true moment to moment feelings, but in order to live intensely, we become addicted to fantasy (other people are better than me, if I could just get this/be this/do this etc and pick people to become limerant about)

 - in this fantasy world we are safe and no spontaneous feelings will ever arise because we are in control of what happens. We are terrified of spontaneous feelings arising in the body because wee believe feelings are shameful. Ex. you may allow yourself to feel a certain way about someone - hopeful, excited etc but when you are with them, you feel scared, frozen in front of them, and will then go home and feel all of your real feelings when you are alone and are then safe.

 - shame bound people also engage in addictive behaviour because we didn't have a secure base to return to to regulate and need to find something to take comfort in for emotional regulation.

 - find a way to convince yourself that there are others who have gone through this process and can be trusted

There's a lot more and I feel like I'll need to rewatch the video a few times

[dollyvee]

After watching the video, I went back to the John Bradshaw book and tried to pick up where I left off. It's so difficult to read, and it's like every paragraph completely explains my life so far. I guess it's just the realization that this is it, cutting right to the core.

He talks about how toxic shame is reinforced through perfectionism and school, and how we strrive to attain good grades or are shamed if we fall below that. This was also reinforced in my family, and how people who are shame bound are usually high achievers, but that no accomplishments can take away the shame. Shaming is also done through peer group shaming, being made fun of etc. by elementary and high school children. I can think of several instances this happened growing up and am always on alert to it now I think, even if I'm not really conscious of it.

I brought this up with t this week about toxic shame, and how I learned that I couldn't really talk about things with other people because they wouldn't get it etc. So, I had to put it away and have another persona with people. Not full persona, but I just couldn't be authentic with everything. I felt emotional after the session, but in a good way. That it was good to share this.

I've also started reading Trauma and Dissociation informed IFS by Joanne Twombly, which was only 82p for the kindle edition (!). I like her idea/explanation of safe space imagery and that we can prepare for intrusions. I've done SSI in the past but it was always like it didn't necessarily feel 100% safe, and that I was just going through the motions. so, I'm going to try this and see what happens.

One thing that stood out especially in the book was to make sure that we're not operating from a parentified child part. I feel like it makes so much sense why I get overwhelmed doing things sometimes because I'm not doing them from adult me, I'm doing them from the me who always had to take care of everything/everyone and make sure they were all ok (as a child!). I think this state of not doing things is also a form of functional freeze response, but perhaps that could also be coming from a parentified child part.

Spaced out writing this a bit. The shame stuff is so difficult to talk about face I think because it brings up all those emotions. I would like to touch base with those parts but has been difficult to go inward and do that.

[dollyvee]

I think I learned quite a bit from the Joanne Twombly book. She explains that DID, OSDD, and CPTSD all have varying levels of dissociation, which is something I never knew, that there is an inherent level of dissociation involved in CPTSD.

When going through the different kinds of safe spaces I noticed perhaps different parts coming up for different spaces, and it also validated some of the things I had done automatically/intuitively in previous IFS sessions. It also made me understand some of my parts better, the ones that I perhaps didn't know what to do with, or how to interact with. She explains that parts can grow and change the more we get to know them. So, what might start off as something inanimate can develop over time into something animate. It also made me realize that parts can be stuck in time and that I probably have quite a few parts stuck in the past. What's important, or maybe this is where the dissociation comes in, is that I can interact with these parts and bring them into the present. I'm thinking of the part that doesn't necessarily know or believe I'm an adult and can handle adult things.

I'm also realizing that I like what she says about medication. I think there is a part that feels once I take medication, it is bad or means that there is something wrong with me, not that this is a trial and it doesn't mean that I have to take this for life. That medication can me a very useful tool to manage strong emotions at times and gives a bit of a break to understand what is going on. I have taken ativan in the past and found relief. I wonder too, if microdosing is doing the same now. I guess it's giving myself/parts permission. Perhaps this hesitancy came from seeing my dad on prozac and hearing from his t that that could be a factor in why he committed suicide, or potentially if it's just that there's something "wrong," and it's affects on the reality I needed to believe in.

I guess overall it's given me a better understanding, or belief, on how to give my parts what they need. Part of me also wonders if I'm blended with my high achiever part/getting things done part when writing this out
_________________________________________

I felt I came to an impasse with the person I was talking to. Even though they initiated it, I noticed I was the one to ask questions about their life and how they were doing. I waited and that same level of interest wasn't reciprocated. We had a big chat and they talked about some of their stuff and I mentioned I didn't want physical intimacy right away, but wanted to get to know someone. I didn't hear from them for over two weeks after that, and when I did, they didn't ask anything about me. So, I'm happy that I'm noticing the signs of emotional unavailability, but the feelings of when you actually walk away (I guess it's the disappointment) aren't that great. I guess it brings me back to growing up and when I did have needs, they weren't addressed or dismissed. I think it takes me back to that toxic shame place and that I'm not worth it etc etc. I think it also puts me in a rut about reaching out again, but I'm trying to work on that.

I met someone else on a dating app that I don't know I just get good vibes from and I think would be a good match, but would be a sort of long distance situation. We had a good chat but when I brought this up and that I would be into making it work, they said we could meet up but also stopped responding. When I think about meeting people around where I am there's no one on the apps I fancy and such a general vibe of misogyny at the gym that just puts me off. Again, I think a familiar damned if you do, damned if you don't situation.

I did make a new gym friend but worry that I'm emotionally distancing because I'm hypervigilant at the gym (said misogyny - I guess that's one of my triggers)

I also wonder if I perhaps have parts that are used to be being the scapegoat and taking everything on as if it's my fault? I wonder if this is what's showing up at the gym, that people want to blame me for what's going on even though I feel like I'm just there to work out. Maybe there's a part that feels it has to engage and take this on? I also tried putting those parts in a safe space, so that they didn't have to take anything on and I think I felt even more affected by peoples' passive aggressiveness. It's like disengage and feel overpowered by peoples' behaviour, or stand up for myself and feel like it's all my fault/that I'm going to be blamed/be the scapegoat. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. And of course, I don't want my new gym friend seeing any of this internal struggle.

[NarcKiddo]

A long distance situation sounds like it could work well from your point of view since you don't want physical intimacy right away. And even if it can't develop much due to distance it does at least give you exposure to a possibly good relationship/trust etc. Of course that very much depends on the other person, too, and what their objectives are. Of course it is extra hard when we have to deal with issues like toxic shame because the other party will likely have no experience. So if they decide they are not all that keen on developing the relationship they could display mildly dismissive behaviour which would do no more than irk most people at worst, but which actually triggers deep hurt in us.

I am really sorry to read that you have issues at the gym. I know a lot of people find this and it always makes me sad for them. The gym is my happy and safe place and I am very fortunate never to have felt unsafe in all the gyms I have visited, except for once when a bipolar member became violent (not towards me but he was big and jacked and scary). I hope you can find a way to work through this. I'm glad you have made a new gym friend. If you need to emotionally distance a bit while at the gym they will probably not think anything of it other than you are working hard. And maybe in time you will be able to get closer.

[dollyvee]

Thanks NK - I would very much like exposure to a good relationship to build trust. I'm wondering how limerant I am about this person and the idea of what they can bring into my life to a certain degree. I agree that peoples' mildy dissmissive behaviour does send us into a tailspin and have learned a lot about myself through peoples' behaviour in online dating. It took a long time to begin to think, it says more about them behaving that way and it's not about the person I am, my value etc. I don't think I'm 100% of the way there consciously, but am working on it.


I talked about this with t, the feeling of standing up, speaking out, and being the scapegoat vs.keeping it all in and being overpowered is a polarization and familiar pattern from growing up. I feel like if I be who I am and take up space in the gym, I will be "punished" for being who I am. I guess punishment comes in the form of ridicule, humiliation, undermining etc (and to a certain degree I feel it as competitiveness/jealousy which is how FOO behaved and I think makes me feel powerless). I think this is also familiar from growing up. I think I'm constantly hypervigilant and scanning people for their reactions/emotions etc. and ready to take them on, seeing if it was somehow me that was the problem.  I was going to write that I lift weight and am maybe an easy target because "normal" women don't do those things, but I think that's another pattern of "old thinking" from growing up. Why do I have to be different etc. Essentially, it's me, I'm the problem.

In the Trauma and Dissociation book, she talks about a client who was taking on everyone's feelings and emotions and that they developed/used a bubble with a valve so that he could let the emotions in when needed and then close the valve again. I think I'm used to living life with the valve wide open all the time, or wanting to shut everything/one off (I think because it will be my fault etc). I gave some thought this morning to why being around people make me anxious (that potentially there will be "violence" - poss the humiliation/ridicule etc I perceive from other people - and I will need protection - which I never had growing up), and I remembered that my m had violence in her life at an early age. My gm's story of leaving my biological gf was because he hurt (beat?) my m and she wouldn't allow it. I think gm potentially had the same, or a very strict, corporal punishment type of upbringing. I had the same with the wooden spoon and was often threatened with it/had it used on me. She had someone very aggressive in her life, could snap and be that way herself, and I guess I am expecting the same on some level from others.

I also find that I was made fun of (humiliated?) for having this anxiety, and/or people thought it amusing to antagonize me with it (passive-aggressiveness). I guess I can see why I am wanting to shut everything/one out, try to numb and not show any emotion etc. And on the other hand I just want to go to the gym and work out hahaha. My sf was also one of those 80s muscle meat heads, so I think that throws something into the mix as well for the gym being a triggering place.

A man came up to me in the gym yesterday and asked about something I was doing. I think he saw me helping out my gym friend and maybe felt comfortable to approach. So, I take 5 mins and tried to show him how to learn/process what he was doing), and introduced myself. It was a friendly interaction and I felt some reciprocity and genuineness. I think there is also something in me which is on guard for other people trying to undermine that, or potentially, how could I be so nice and trusting? (Maybe my FA attachment), or that I will have to prove what kind of person I am  (that I haven't done anything wrong).

It seems exhausting reading this back, but on some level I think it's an accurate description of what's going on. No wonder I want to dissociate.

[NarcKiddo]

I do weightlifting too. And boxing. I do remember feeling out of place in the gym when I started, but I hired a coach. Partly so I could learn how to do things safely but also so that I could feel more confident in the "boys" area of the gym. If anyone challenged me I could just say to them "this is how my coach has told me to do it". Nobody ever did challenge me, or even offer unsolicited advice. I am quite lucky in that I am tall, so my height and weight is equivalent to most average men. This makes me feel more confident, in that women are not going to bother me and men are not going to see me as a small, weak target. Also I feel safer now that I have developed my physical strength and know that I could hit someone pretty hard if I need to. It is kind of sad that these are considerations in the back of my mind, but I think they partly contribute to my feeling that the gym is my happy place. I feel safe there (and in most other places now) because I know I can physically defend myself. I am also lucky in that my parents despise physical fitness. They were not muscle meat heads (unlike your SF) and there is literally NO danger of EVER finding my parents in a gym. I can see from what you say why you might find aspects of the gym triggering.

The interaction you had with that man sounds positive, though. And it is good that you have your gym friend because over time that might make you feel more comfortable in the gym generally. I do hope so. I also wonder whether any glances in your direction at the gym are actually nothing to do with misogyny or criticism at all. I have contact with a lot of serious-minded fitness people both in real life and online and there is literally not a jot of misogyny to be found among them. It could be that the people in your gym are simply admiring you for showing up and doing your thing in an area that does still typically attract more men than women. Whatever the reality in your gym, I admire you for going to the gym and doing your thing.    Keep doing it!

[dollyvee]

Thanks NK  like you, the gym/exercise is my happy place and it's been so helpful to me over the years to connect to my body. I get what you're saying and other gyms I've been to haven't been like this where maybe people are quite serious about training. But I don't think that's any excuse either as I've been to gyms like this as well and it's not the same attitude. T said I should find a new gym but I like it for the sauna, which I think is helping me. I've heard young guys on several occasions talk about girls they would (four letter word) and how so and so will have to do etc, and had guys pacing back and forth behind me when I'm lifting etc. I guess it's more of a teen population/old people/dads who "lift." Though again, I've been to gyms with those populations too and it was fine. I had a chat with a woman who was younger and probably more "visibly" gay, and she said there was a group of girls laughing at her. I told her that not all people are like that here. It makes me sad that I've never seen her back at the gym. I've also heard one old man talking to another about me and how "theres's just some people you don't like." I think because I don't stop and chat. However, old men (or probably men in general) feeling like they are entitled to my attention is a trigger for me. Who knows, most of the time I am in my own world concentrating anyway and people could misinterpret that as being unfriendly/stand-offish.

I think there are supportive people there but it's also very much my pattern to push people like that away because I'm stuck in toxic shame/feeling like I've done something wrong. I guess I'm trying to work on that.

________________________________

I was going back through old journals yesterday to get a better idea of my parts and to revisit some IFS sessions, and I am very surprised at how much they echoed what was in the Trauma and Dissociation book. I talked about feeling like there were layers of parts underneath an inner critic part, and how there was a part that doesn't want to know about parts because I think there's something defective/wrong with me. Although, I guess the latter is slightly different to not wanting to talk about parts because other people aren't supposed to know about them. I also made a note about other, hidden parts that don't want to come out yet. 

It was helpful to reread my experiences with Self because it also echoes what was in the book, and that I have a hard time connecting to it. It shows up as a dark cloud, something frozen, which could mean that being in Self was seen as dangerous. There were also preverbal parts I think coming up in the sense of somatic sensations, which I don't think I realized were preverbal parts.

Snowdrop made a comment about dissociated parts at the time that I don't think sunk in. I saw a part that would "dissociate," like all of a sudden I would space out, or get distracted, and think ah, this is dissociation and asked her to step out. But "dissociated" (I don't know how to describe it) where you're not aware that maybe parts of you are dissociated, that parts aren't aware of each other, was something I didn't grasp. I also wrote about how I was afraid of unleashing something and this aligns with what Snowdrop/Joanne Twombly wrote about how dissociated parts carrying extreme burdens.

I guess I'm thankful for my "figuring out" part trying to get to the bottom of all this and that I wasn't doing anything wrong, that I can trust myself and my experiences even if I don't fully understand them at the time. I think growing up I always had to "know" because then I wouldn't be surprised/caught off guard. I think this is what Heidi Priebe explains in the video where in the fantasy world, there are no surprises so you can have control. I guess this is part of the process of unpacking what it means to be a "shame-bound" person, that I can trust my inner experiences and wisdom. It was such a mind meld (not the word I want to use) to have my gm tell me that her way was the right way and I didn't know anything about how the world worked when I grew up trusting her to protect me after dealing with my m. Of course I wanted to trust and believe her, and believe in that attachment we had, which I needed so much. I think perhaps in here somewhere is the self-like part Owl was referring to.


I guess enough for now,  think I need, feel it would be best to just reassure my system and parts that I'm there for them.

[dollyvee]

While I was going through my notebooks yesterday, I wrote the following but didn't post it. I guess I was trying to fit together the pieces of what I had wrote about my hesitancy around people at the gym (don't want to say fright, but maybe it was freeze) and the reading I am doing on dissociation. I'm going to put it in here too because I think it's a piece in figuring out what I just wrote about trusting myself and my experiences.

I don't know, I don't have any answers or if this makes sense to anyone. I guess it's just a step in figuring out (thanks figuring out part) my hypervigilance and not being able to step back from people.

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Sthing else I forgot from the Trauma and Dissociation book was that dissociative disorders can be described as fright without solution.

When t an I did some safe space imagery many years ago, I chose a forest at night. I feel like this might not have made sense to t, or there were intrusions, and we went back and found another one (I think I remember her saying it doesn't sound very comfortable or something like that. Looking back on it now, I think there were very specific reasons for me choosing it. I've been feeling a lot of resistance to t's suggestions too and will shut them down, then think I must be bad for doing that. Well, not bad but wrong? Perhaps on some level that she knows better? I don't know. However, maybe I can see why I'm resenting them a bit because I did inherently know what I felt safe with). I can see now that a forest at night is a very good place to hide or be invisible if you need. When I elaborated on the safe space now, being in a blind came to mind, which is basically being even more hidden. I think I'm learning to trust my internal process a bit more.

It's coming up how i couldn't tell adults (my gm) about my internal process or have it be shaped into something else, and I'm starting to see/wonder, if this is rehappening with t.

I'm also going back through my old notebook and noticing a podcast I listened to with Mary Shutan where she talks about protection. This is definitely one of the themes I noticed in my life, looking to other people for a sort of protection, even if I don't realize I'm doing it anymore. I don't think I had that protection growing up from my m (nor did she), and a very kind of maladaptive protection from my gm and gf where I thought I was protected, but it was more about them. To an extent, I think my dad provided this, but I also get that he was distant sometimes. How do you learn to protect yourself as a child from the people who are abusing you?

She says that we have to protect our energy so that we can be who we are and do what we are meant to do (who are you, what are your gifts, who are your allies etc). So, I guess it's kind of a catch-22 try to put yourself out there and be who you're meant to be, but also protect yourself, which you never learned how to do. I guess on some level I did protect myself (through dissociation?)

[NarcKiddo]

I don't think you are bad or wrong for disagreeing with your T. I doubt your T thinks so either. Her comment about a forest not sounding very comfortable may have been meant to prompt you to discuss your choice of safe place a bit more. It is certainly unusual and may thus reveal helpful information. It is good that you are learning to trust your internal process a bit more, because the next step might be to feel better about discussing it more with T rather than reverting to assumptions that you are bad and wrong. Because you are not. And I can completely see what aspects of a forest in the night might feel safe to you.

As a child you did protect yourself in the only ways available to you. The problem for adult you is that the protective mechanisms are still in place but they are now protecting against dangers that are not there. Elements of danger are present in everyone's life but you are an adult now and effective ways of protection for an adult are very different from those needed by an abused child. Also, I think we had to construct guaranteed protection for ourselves because we knew nobody would do it for us or help us to see what was appropriate and understand the level of danger. So where other people learn that they need goggles if they dive to the bottom of the swimming pool, and an oxygen tank plus training if they dive deep in the sea, we are all climbing into our submarines at the very sight of a puddle.

It seems to me that you are doing excellent work in unravelling all this and going back over your old notes. Of course it is slow and painful but it's good that you kept all those notes.

[Hope67]

Hi Dollyvee,
There is so much within what you've written that I find interesting and helpful.  I am also keen to buy the book by John Bradshaw 'Healing the Shame that Binds You' as I've been meaning to read it for some time.  I just checked my book shelves to check I don't have it already - I have one called 'Family Secrets' but not the other one.  I will hope to buy it.   I think it would be helpful and wanted to thank you for talking about your experiences with the book.

I think it's great that you're utilizing your old notes in that way.  I echo what NarcKiddo said about how it's good that you kept all those notes.

Hope 

[dollyvee]

Thanks NK and for reading through this - I think the feeling bad is because whenever she brings something up, sometimes there's such a reaction to it. I can see that perhaps the feeling "bad" is because I also wasn't allowed to have my own inner world/person, as well as having "negative" reactions to things. I wasn't allowed to be angry, I as told (in a nice, loving covert way) to let those things go, that I can't be angry etc. T and I have discussed things in the past and at times it's been a big turning point in knowing that she didn't feel as I assumed. I think this is something I will bring up with her.

Thanks Hope and thank you for reading through everything too - it is a very good book, but also difficult to process everything I think. I really recommend the Trauma and Dissociation informed IFS by Joanne Twombly as well. She has many good approaches to working with parts and lays it out really well how parts come up in CPTSD. You might like the deep, dreamless sleep exercise.

After reading the Daily Morning Homework exercise in the trauma and dissociation IFS book, I tried it with my parts and let them know what we were going to be doing yesterday. I think it went well. I was able to clean and not procrastinate, send emails etc and go to the gym and not feel overwhelmed. Today is a bit different. I feel like I have problems keeping a schedule sometimes, or get anxious easily when unexpected things come up. I can and usually do handle them, but it feels like a bit of "brain chaos" for a bit. I think these are parts that are coming up and I'm trying to listen to them, but it's been difficult. I guess I'm worried that if I listen to the parts that have resistance, they're going to mess me up and all the things I need to do (for survival? for success? but whose ideas/agenda is that?). A lot of my life was you have to go to school and get good grades and that's it. Just a constant push to go where? Do what? Anyways, bit of a tangent.

I'm thinking about protection as well and I brought this up with t last session and she said it's a very early need. I'm thinking how it played out in my family that my gm left my biological gf to "protect" my m from his abuse, that my m blamed my gm for not "protecting" her from a neighbour (?)/someone who molested her (I don't know all the details). How I worried if I was able to "protect" (take care of) the little girl I saw come up after asking my system about someone I was romantically interested in; how I'm hyperviglilant around people and feeling like I don't have protection/need protection.

JT describes it in the book using right/left brain imagery tho she describes it's not 100% physiologically accurate. Our thoughts will come up in the primitive brain first before we can even begin to regulate them in the logical left brain. I think when it's happening to a baby perhaps it's even more ingrained in the primitive/right brain, and that need runs very deep in how we react to things.