FINDING MY FEELINGS

[Armee]

 

Please let me assure you you have done nothing wrong nor have you said or not said anything wrong. These feelings are only from the past. They are not from the present. So many of us struggle with the exact same fear here and the almost exact same cause as well. 

It'll ease up a little with time and exposure, seeing you can write things here and no one is going to hurt you, accuse you, or otherwise make you feel you've done something wrong.

I think what you've done here is brilliant - asking outright. That is how to ease that fear overtime. Put yourself out there, then ask when you are worried ..did I offend or hurt you?

I'm glad you are here and that you are bravely putting yourself out there and testing these waters gently.

[Moondance]

Omg thank you Armee.

This is so very painful - not your response but being vulnerable, putting myself out there.

You said, "These feelings are only from the past.  They are not from the present."
I find this very soothing - for the moment anyway.  I appreciate it and hopefully I will remember this next time.

[sanmagic7]

moondance, you're not pushing me away.  i know those feelings that you speak of about being vulnerable here, and, for me, it's gotten better over time, but i still get them now and again.  it's little steps, and they all count.  i've found this forum to be filled w/ people who are caring, non-judgmental, and extremely supportive. 

you are showing your courage by putting your truth out here and hopefully it will help you know yourself better, know your trauma better, and know you are here w/ the rest of us all doing the same thing.  you belong.  please know you can't have right or wrong feelings, right or wrong truths.  if they're yours, that is enough, you are enough and every part of you is welcomed and appreciated.  sending love and a hug full of support, validation, and confirmation.   

[Moondance]

First of all thank you so much Sanmagic7 for the validation, support, and confirmation.  I very much appreciate it.  I agree this forum is filled with extremely  supportive, caring and non-judgmental people.  That is most likely what makes this so difficult, because I find myself wanting to be part of, when I had all but given up being a part of anything.  It brings up fear, abandonment, attachment, insecurities, etc, etc. This is why I'm unable to be out there because I'm unable to deal with anything without having  EF's and whatever else. 

I wish this would just stop. It's like something takes over and there seems to be nothing that makes me believe I am enough.  I hear your words and I hear them softly and caring. 

When this happens   
This is the part that hurts to the core and makes me want to stop trying, because it happens over and over again.  I can't seem to change  it.  I guess because I really don't believe I'm enough.  It's a vicious circle. 

Yet I have said these very same things to others in support and encouragement.  I can believe for others but not myself it seems.  CPTSD is brutal. 

I'm awake and it's 4,am. I can't go to sleep, maybe later.  I woke up remembering a bad dream from a past  workplace.  Just another situation where I was made fun of, mistreated, bullied and betrayed. 

No doubt this dream is directly related to the above post.    I do not recall a time when I was not made fun of, bullied, betrayed,  starting of course with the neglect/abuse from FOO. 

I see T Friday and am looking forward to it. 

I want to apologize for all this but I won't.  Instead I want to acknowledge I need support, encouragement, care, validation right now in the hopes it will pass and lessen with time.

[sanmagic7]

hey, moondance, i'm glad you didn't apologize - i saw nothing that needed apologizing for.  instead i see someone who, like the rest of us, is caught in the clutches of the c-ptsd beast.  brutal is apt.  so is insidious.  unfair also.  it's what we're battling here.  i've been on this forum for over 7 yrs. and it continues to be relevant for me.  as do the people.  best people i've never met.

you took a brave step by revealing your insecurities.  they can be difficult to deal w/, let alone exposed to others.  and, as far as i'm concerned you are enough. i think a lot of us have been able to send supportive words to others and mean it, yet not be able to take them in for ourselves.  step by step.  sending love and a hug full of support and encouragement 

[Moondance]

Thank you just doesn't cut it - 

[natureluvr]

t the age of 12 I no longer wanted to live.

Moondance, this breaks my heart.  I, too, have had this same feeling many times, and still do get it on occasion. 

I am having overwhelming feelings of shame, embarrassment,  anxiety, abandonment, doubt  bout myself etc, etc. 

I'm glad that you posted this.  I'm sorry that you are dealing with these emotions, but I'm glad you shared this on the forum, because I, too, have had these very same feelings about myself.  I felt this way very much when I was 13 years old.  I also relate to feeling as though you are pushing people away.  I also, have had the experience of other people running away from me.  I don't know it it's because I pushed them away, or because my issues scared them off. 

I think it was brave of you to share these things on here with us, and I know it helps me feel less alone, so thank you. 

[Not Alone]

You are being brave to share your feelings with us. Thank you. Those are difficult feelings to have. I hold what you shared with gentleness and kindness toward you.

[Moondance]

Thank you Natureluvr for relating - yes that always makes me feel not so alone in this.   

Thank you Not Alone - your response brought tears, you touched a place in my heart that needs to heal.   

------‐----

Unfortunately I have these feelings a lot.  I'm pretty certain that is what makes me feel so hopeless at times (as you mentioned Natureluvr) because although I've tried through the years to change this it has actually gotten worse.   If I'm not in relationship then I'm fine, well i think im fine but I'm not.   

I'm usually very in tune with others and can tell if something is up or if something is different. Usually, but maybe not, I don't know anymore.

Honestky, what precipated these feelings in me this time is that a bunch of people who were posting regularly in my journal stopped.  Although a left it for about a week it got the better of me, actually the worse of me.   

The thing is, every time this happens and it turns out my perception is wrong it's one more time that my perception of what i think is really happening is wrong which creates further doubt in myself.  Vicious circle. 

I agree with you Natureluvr it could be me pushing others away or it could be my issues (me) that are scaring them off.  If that is the case though I would really like to know. 

Perhaps it is that I appear to be very needy (and I don't realize that is how I'm expressing myself) or it could be that I try to hard which would also give the "very needy" feeling to others and scare them off. 

I hope there are tangible ways i can learn to make this change for the better because this is making me feel crazy. 

[Moondance]

This brought me wonderment.  I found a flower called Moondance.

[Armee]

 

You don't come across as needy at all or in any way shape or form off-putting.

For me personally, sometimes it's just hard to know how best to respond to a specific post, or more often when I open a post and it seems to deserve more focus and attention than I have to give at that moment, then I put it to the side until I have the bandwidth it deserves. And then if others do the same it doesn't pop up in my updates post list and I lose it. Some posts I can respond to pretty quickly and I do as soon as I open them and some I accidentally lose because I want to wait until I can do it justice.

There's nothing wrong with anything you've written, there's nothing wrong with being worried about this. Truly we all have these worries because of the similarities in how we were raised. We have been taught that we always need to be on guard for what we might have done "wrong" so we can anticipate the abuse. That's all that is happening here.

That and a bunch of people with complex trauma trying our best to heal and support others as we can and have the bandwidth. I find it helpful to think about my journal as being a place for me to post my thoughts, and any messages of support I get are so fantastic but thinking about it as being for me and the responses as bonuses is helpful when this type of self-doubt creeps in.

Love to you, you are good. Eventually you'll start to trust yourself more. 

[Moondance]

 

Thank you so much for your post Armee - it makes perfect sense of course that we don't always have the time to respond to another's post when it requires a more focused and attentive response.  That did occur to me and I questioned myself on that but that doubt gets me.  I even thought how much more embarrassed will I be if that was the case.

I would like to declare this topic closed hahaha - til the next time because there will be a next time - I'm still open to talking more or receiving posts about it but I don't want anyone to feel they have to respond further.

Thank goodness I found this forum because I sure need it.     

[Armee]

 

We all need it. 

[sanmagic7]

moondance, i just looked up the moondance rose and it's absolutely breathtaking!  it's your goodness in flower form.  love and hugs

[Moondance]

Thank you so much Armee, that makes me feel part of.

Awww Thank you Sanmagic7, I certainly felt that, it's your goodness in flower form.  You are so compassionate and kind and it's very much appreciated.