no returns

[Moondance]

I so agree with Armee.

[Papa Coco]

San,

My heart is with yours today. Moondance has been helping me to focus more on the "just take care of today" concept. I love the words that we support each other and ourselves for who we are today. And today you are in a tornado of emotional winds, and many of us here are thinking about you with compassion and empathy. We each might be different tomorrow, so we can deal with tomorrow when tomorrow comes. Today, I send you a hug of support. I hope it helps.

[sanmagic7]

my friends, you have helped immensely.  armee, i'm getting thru it. my mood shifted to one of rage, which always helps w/ the darkness.  the immensity of what he did, never mind the flowers, the household help, the financial help (altho i suspect that could've been a lot more if he hadn't spent a lot on his addiction, which was covered up neatly by him ever so sweetly taking over the checkbook and bills.  oooh trust can be cruel at times).  thank you for being here w/ me once again. i'm feeling pretty needy right about now, so i totally appreciate you showing up for me even tho you have your own crushing issues to deal w/. i just can't do the same for you at this moment, but you're in my heart. 

moondance, thank you for your kindness and caring and all those hugs.  it was such a pleasant surprise to see you show up for me.  so appreciated.  one day i'll be able to reciprocate.   

PC, thank you for being by my side.  my mantra, for a long time has been, 'i've just got to make it to tomorrow'.  and the next day i say the same thing.  you hit it on the head w/ 'tornado of emotional winds'.  thanks for putting it into such elegant words.  i so much appreciate everyone's support.  it really is helping.

so anger and rage showed up now.  one of the things we're asked in emdr is what neg. emotion/thought do you have about yourself now re: this situation?  rarely do i have one of those.  i may have made mistakes int he relationship, but it was never to hurt, humiliate, deny, ignore, lie to, make a fool of, take advantage of . . . the list goes on.  i've had to stop watching anything to do w/ relationships - i'm too raw and everything is hitting me sideways.

i hate that man for what he did to me, and i refuse to take responsibility for his actions. 

[Armee]

Dear you have been there for me over and over and over. Taking time off from responding does not mean you are not showing up for me. You are right here. Thank you so much.

Anger is appropriate and motivating and pushes us forward and toward protection so I am so glad that is what you are feeling now.

[sanmagic7]

thanks, armee, for so much kindness. very appreciated 

the thought occurred to me this morning that i've completely lost track of my NN - i believe i was at 10 yrs. old.  i'd been working on that so diligently, and everything else ended up getting in the way and it was pushed to the back of the line.  i was so glad to be doing it, so sorry it's been lost for a while.  hopefully, i'll be able to return to it soon.

i also thought of this mental/emotional pain i've been experiencing since the doc, over a week ago.  it was one thing to recover from being in so much physical pain, but the unseeable pain has taken much longer to contend w/.  and i thought, is this all the pain i hadn't felt before from all the hurts from all the people or is this only from my ex and i'll have to go thru this again and again.  that thought smacked me between the eyes.  this has been so difficult, such a struggle to stay sane, it frightened me to think i'll have to go thru this for hub#1, D1, and icky L as well.

dang, i do not want to forsee a future of doing that.  this brought me to my knees - i haven't craved alcohol for years, so i know this was bad.  one can only hope. . .

[Armee]

It would be unbearable to go through the same level of pain on repeat. I think each time we go through processing something we learn little tricks that get us through easier the next time. I hope that is true at least. I think it is.  if not you can always stop.

[rainydiary]

I appreciate you bringing up the distinction between physical and emotional pain.  For some reason that really resonated with me today.

[Papa Coco]

so anger and rage showed up now.  one of the things we're asked in emdr is what neg. emotion/thought do you have about yourself now re: this situation?  rarely do i have one of those.  i may have made mistakes int he relationship, but it was never to hurt, humiliate, deny, ignore, lie to, make a fool of, take advantage of . . . the list goes on.  i've had to stop watching anything to do w/ relationships - i'm too raw and everything is hitting me sideways.

i hate that man for what he did to me, and i refuse to take responsibility for his actions.

San,

I hate him too for what he did to you. I'm so impressed by your words that you made mistakes in the relationship also, but it was never to hurt, humiliate, deny, ignore, lie to, make a fool of, take advantage of . . .

There's much power in your posts right now. So much on your plate. I'm glad you have this forum so that you can at least express your situation to people who believe you unconditionally and at least you don't have to be emotionally alone with it all.

The connection between physical and emotional pain is stronger than most of us ever realize. My m used to criticize me for my stomachaches and headaches as a child by saying 'Oh! It's all in your head!" She was right, but she wasn't helpful. That was just a criticism meant to prove that my emotionally driven physical pain was my own fault. It was up to me to accept the abuse with a smile and stop letting it cause my very real stomachaches and headaches.  She would boobytrap me for future use too, by convincing me that if I EVER express any anger of any kind, I will die of a stroke right there on the spot. I'm 62 now and that truth is still so deeply burned into my brain that it won't surprise me that, if I ever do rise up in anger to protect myself, I just might die of a stroke as she taught me I would.  So yeah. I fully side with you that emotions absolutely drive physical wellbeing.

I hope there's no limit to how many virtual hugs we can pass back and forth, because I want to send more again today. Today is a new day, and it deserves another round of hugs and kindness from your friends here on the forum.

[Armee]

 

[Moondance]

 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, armee. i was thinking of your words the other day, about how the pain might look from icky L, but i saw a very different image.  i had a rope around my neck, whether to strangle me or lead me around like my lap dog.  i would guess both would be pertinent here.  so, a very different kind of pain.  but i can see marks on my neck where it was rubbed raw.  yeah, still got some healing to do w/ that one. i so appreciate your support.   and thank you for that extra hug - it was lovely to see.

thank you, rainy.  i did find it interesting, the concept of how physical pain feels next to emotional/mental pain.  very different, very detrimental in their own ways. 

hey, PC, yep, i do know about that connection.  the 'it's all in your head' theme was even addressed by dumbledore.  it IS in our heads, but not in a dismissive way.  our brains connect all of us to each other, keeps tabs on what's going on, and if we can't express it verbally or by writing it, it will find a way to make our discomfort, distress, disruption known. 

thanks for the thought of unlimited hugs.  i love it!!!!

thanks for the hug, moondance and back atcha! 

something shifted.  i have been in such a dark place for so long, it's been truly difficult to see any light, but last night a shift occurred and i could see differently.  the doc experience was so awful, and even tho i got results of the biopsies back and they were neg., all i could focus on was 'i had to go thru all that BS for nothing!'. 

last nite, same as any night, i discovered a new train of thought. i'm 75, no major physical problems, can still get up and down the stairs (at one point i was using a walker, maybe 15 yrs. ago) do not have any physical dysfunctions that would land me in a hospital, have to put drops in my eyes 2x/day, but i'm not blind . . .and the list of what my body is still capable of at my age struck me and then i felt happy about it, happy for me, which i don't know if i've ever felt before.  it was new and strange, but very good.

today, i can still feel it, altho it's faded a bit.  but, it's still there and i like it and i'm glad and grateful.  i've felt gratitude before, but the happy never came with it.  so, this is 2 times in the past 6 months i've actually felt the happy emotion - the other time was about my D and what a wonderful person she is, how she's always been patient with and kind to me.  i'm giving this a big win.

[Armee]

 

This is a big win, yes, and one you've worked tirelessly to experience so kick up those fully functional feet and legs and enjoy! 

[Moondance]

Hi San,

That is great indeed.   

[sanmagic7]

armee, thanks.  i'm smiling.   

moondance, thank you for celebrating w/ me. 

still feeling it. 

[rainydiary]

I am grateful you are feeling and still feeling a shift.