Papa Coco's Recovery Journal

[Armee]

Yes, everything San said.

You know it is ok to have epiphanies that help point in the right direction but that don't solve everything right away. When you share these insights they are showing the path, the next steps, a new piece of the puzzle toward healing. We are all stitching these insights together building a path so we can step out over the abyss of trauma safely. We add pieces of the path as we walk it. Maybe a bigger insight gives us a bigger foothold. It doesn't mean we can run across the bridge all at once because we haven't finished building it. But we can get a better view and we can get closer to firm stable land.

You've got this. We are never finished, no human is. You are great enough as you are and we just need to reduce our own suffering as much as we can. But you are GOOD. You are a good human. You ALWAYS were. They hurt you. They fed you lies. This is the abyss we need to get across. You - Papa Coco - are good. You are fine as is. The suffering needs to go though. One piece at a time. Too much too fast we crash.

[Papa Coco]

Thank you Rainy, San and Armee,

Thank you again for your compassionate responses. I need those. I'm always there to tell other people that they are okay. That this is trauma and they feel its sting because they're good people. Bad people don't feel the effects of trauma, they use their past bullying to become bullies themselves. Good people internalize it and try to become helpers rather than bullies themselves. 

But then, when it comes to my own traumas, I don't tell myself the same things. So, I need to hear it from my friends, since I won't say it to myself. So, again, thank you for your compassion.

I guess it really highlights something I've never said before. I've never framed my unhappiness this way before. But it's accurate, and it's painful.  As it turns out, after my therapist yesterday brought me back to my beginnings and had me tell him the story of my earliest depression, I am now able to clearly see that the only thing I like or love about myself is how I make other people feel.

I think this new reframing of my current life is accurate because when I try to find any other thing to like about myself, I almost burst out crying. After 40 years of therapy, I've just now stumbled onto a genuinely authentic part of myself that I've never looked at before.

It's good that being kind to others brings joy, but, to me, it's sad when that's the ONLY thing that I like about myself.  It explains so much about why I am who I am. It explains why I have to try to make others smile in order to pull myself out of a depression. Because there's nothing else about me that I like.

Yesterday, my therapist brought me back to age 6 when I first told my family that I hated myself. They were religious, so instead of comforting me, they scolded me. They said "THAT'S A SIN!  GOD WILL PUNISH YOU FOR SAYING THAT!" So, naturally, my self-hatred set up like concrete as they tried to shame the self-hatred out of me.

So, I guess this gives me a clear picture as to why I am kind. Kindness makes other people feel good, so while I'm being kind, I'm feeling some love. While I'm isolating, I feel safe. No one can judge me while I'm alone. So my daily choice is to either feel safe and alone, or loved while I'm making someone else feel loved.

It also explains what happened to me back when Robin Williams took his own life. I was a standup comedian and was publishing my first three books when he passed. Two different friends called me to say "Just because he did it, it doesn't mean you have to."  That's the day I learned that people could see through my happy façade. Robin Williams' friends now say that he was "the loneliest person on a lonely planet." They say that he was ONLY happy during the moments that he was making others laugh. His kindness was legendary. And now I know why he was so kind and funny. It was the only cure he had for his loneliness and his depression. I get it. Totally.

Tonight I'm going to break my own 2023 commitment to ending every post on a high note. At this moment, I can't think of a high note for this.

I don't know where to go with this. Going back to the 6-year-old boy who hated himself and was shamed for it is so painful I...I just don't know what to do with it. 

PS: I was about to send this when I just had an afterthought:

Armee, you mentioned EMDR might be of some help to me. I think I need to ask my therapist if he'll do some of that with me. Or maybe I can find a clinician somewhere who I can get some good EMDR with. The only time I've experienced it was when my current therapist did it with me using his thumb. He told me to keep my head straight forward and follow his thumb with my eyes while we talked about my past. That was 15 years ago. It was very, very helpful. I need to find out how EMDR is done now and give it a try while I talk about my 6-year-old self being trained to hate myself for life. If I can't think about my self-hatred without crying, then that means there's some juice there that we could work with.

Okay, I just surprised myself. I ended this post with a light to aim for. Maybe I didn't break my 2023 commitment after all.

Thanks to all of you for being here for me. You're the only real outlet I have for processing my trauma experiences. I need you. Those aren't just words. I only get 50 minutes every two weeks with my therapist. My wife isn't someone who can process any of this with me. You're it. You're my lifeboat. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

[rainydiary]

I appreciate you sharing the reflection about feeling best about oneself for how we make others feel.  I resonate with that and it is good food for thought.

[Armee]

 

You come here and process all ypu need. It doesn't need to be perfect it doesn't need to make sense, it doesnt need to end with a positive if that is not your frame of mind at that moment.

It is really really sad though not surprising that your family responded that way. I've seen this type of knee jerk reaction from someone in my family who is very religious. Meeting self hatred with shaming behavior guess what makes the self hatred worse. You needed to hear that it is normal to feel that way. It's a human feeling. You needed to hear that the bad things you believe about yourself are not true, that you are a beautiful human, all your good and all your flaws add up to a unique and beautiful soul. You needed to hear how much you are loved just as you are. I'm sorry you did not get that.

I'm sorry they failed you over and over. But since you are pretty good with your parts you can tell that little boy what he needed to hear when you are not in an emotional flashback and can believe the good things.

What I see is a human who has persevered. Who is strong, despite failing knees. Whose greatest value is connection, whose very soul emanates: Do No Harm. You are insightful and kind. You keep going. You see the good in people. What happened to you was AWFUL. That is a physically, emotionally, and psychologically searing thing to go through.

You are still here and you are still a beautiful human to have on this planet. Could you imagine what the world would be like if it were filled with people like you? Wouldn't that be a good thing? What is there to not like about you, separate from the evil committed on you? From the lies you were told about yourself? Under that rubble, and rising above that rubble? Nothing but goodness. Sending love. 

[sanmagic7]

PC, i am an emdr therapist, and there are many ways the process can be done.  eye movements, tapping, and something newer which i've had a lot of success w/ (my T also does emdr) is the 'flash technique'.  it allows me to deal w/ memories/feelings/incidents/thoughts that are very deep and disturbing, by bypassing the emotional razors which can rip me to shreds.  something to think about. 

i want to cuddle up that 6-yr. old, give him a big ol' hug, and let him cry on my lap until every last bit of poisonous belief is gone.  he didn't deserve that, you didn't deserve that. 

i get the thing about robin williams, and your own revelation about yourself.  i've had that feeling, too, when i've helped others.  it makes life worth living. 

glad you were able to attach something light and pos. at the end of your post.  way to go!  love and hugs

[Armee]

One more thing, to add, about emdr therapy....what you suggested is how I did it. I asked my existing therapist to learn emdr. it was a fairly quick training  process and has given him a useful tool to weave in with other methods he knows well. He worked with other clients who were more straightforward before we started to use it on me (not intentionally, just it took 6 months for me to do the eye movements without dissociating immediately). He's really liked having this method to work with. I was not willing to start with an emdr-only therapist or to start over with anyone to try to get them to understand how my mind works. I'm so grateful my T learned this. It isn't magic, it needs skill and trust. It isn't the thing that will heal it all. But over time (much longer than noncomplex trauma) it does put this stuff in the past, upsetting but not horrifying. It connects the pieces so you have a narrative understanding. And it gives witness to the horror, which it deserves. It seems to give the brain the space to come up with more healthy ways of viewing it too, and to believe those healthier views. They get woven into the fabric of the memory. So for me for instance I can start to believe that I didn't mislead them and that what happened happened because they wanted it to happen and tricked me, not because I was not what they needed. This is a deeper knowledge and believing than trying to tell yourself these things.

[Papa Coco]

Rainy, Armee, San,

Thanks for the feedback. It's helpful. My Therapist is 73 years of age. He's an amazing, loving, empathetic man, but, i suppose because of his age, he's been resisting returning to the office since COVID. He's recently started talking about maybe resuming our inperson visits very soon. I'm going to ask him to do more EMDR with me as soon as we can be together in the room again.

Meanwhile, I had a revelation yesterday. There is a small business in town that I seem to have not been noticing. I saw it yesterday. It had a big sign on it "MUSHROOMS". I pulled in. He says he's been there for a while, but I just keep driving past, looking forward and not noticing it. I bought a bottle of thirty capsules of fully legal microdose of psylocibin for trauma and mood disorders. It's call SOLA, Mood Magic.  I live near Seattle, and here, it's legal for anyone over 18 to use. He advised me to take one capsule per day, and two if I feel like experimenting. One capsule lasts for 6 hours. So I'll do one a day, starting today, and if I feel better during that 6 hour period, I'll up it to two capsules a day, 6 hours apart for 12 hours of benefit. They're inexpensive. I hope they provide me some relief while NOT causing any side effects. I'll keep you posted as to whether they work at all, and how they make me feel.

In my new endeavor of finding spirituality, I've learned that most all ancient religions have deemed "Overthinking" as mankind's greatest downfall. Living in the moment is the opposite of overthinking. One of the major issues with C-PTSD is that we often become hypervigilant. We were raised to be attacked for everything we said or did, so we grew up like we were pawns in a chess match, having to pre-think everything we say or do so as to not be criticized or ridiculed by our narcissistic parents, elders, or peers.  We avoid being attacked by hypervigilantly predicting every possible attack that might be coming at us at any moment. It's exhausting.

As a result, I overthink everything. I sit with my back to the wall so I can see who's entering or leaving a room. I watch eye movements and smirks to predict when someone's about to torture me for being who I am.

SO!  Now, as I'm working toward learning  how to be more In the Moment, or more "listening to the still, small voice of God" so i can find peace and self-love, I'm learning to simplify. I go into meditations with only one thought now.

We humans have a way of cluttering our heads and distracting ourselves with too many thoughts. I am experimenting with trying to go into prayer/meditation with only one thought at a time, perhaps I can go in, decluttered and ready to discover the peace and the answer to only one thought at a time.

As a result of this I've simplified my own self diagnosis. I'm boililng down 40 years of therapy to two simplistic statements:

      1) I hate myself. I only love knowing that I've made other people happy.

      2) I am living in the cluttered ashes of a life that was once important to me.

I am soon to turn 63 years of age. I've lived my entire life distracting from self-hatred by being overly kind to everyone else. Retirement has taken away my bosses and customers, so I no longer have anyone to serve, therefore I'm depressed. I distracted for 60 years by being an overachiever. I made as much money as I could, and I stayed busy with volunteer jobs, kayaks, bicycles, woodworking projects, yard work, remodeling work, car repairs, etc, etc, etc. Today I sit in the clutter of all these kayaks and tools and trucks and trailers and aging house, etc, etc, etc. Last night, as I sleeplessly walked around this big, dark house that I designed and helped build 20 years ago, I just said to myself, "These are the ashes of what was once important to me."

These two statements: I hate myself, and I'm living in the ashes of what once mattered, are helping me to find clarity. No more cluttered thoughts. No more excuses for why I sit around the house NOT doing yard work, or remodeling or kayaking. I don't have to make up excuses anymore for why I'm not fixing my rotting fence or repaving my walkways. I'm not doing it because of one simple reason. I don't want to anymore. Period. I lived my life how others told me to, and now no one is telling me how to live, so I don't have to anymore. It's not because of the weather or my aching knees or my wife's schedule... What once mattered to me, no longer does. I'm living in the ashes of what once mattered. Period. No deep soul-searching required.

Now, when I go into prayer or meditation, I don't have to search for answers. I have them. I can just live in the moment now.  I hope that as I accept these two truths, that the only thing I don't hate about myself is that I'm kind to others, and that my former life is over and it's all ash now, are the only two reasons I'm depressed.

As odd as it sounds, these two new baseline truths are helping me feel somewhat unchained from the complexity and overthinking of everything I used to blame my depression/anxiety on.

Sometimes, the simplest answer is the best one to work with.

[Armee]

 

Your ashes sound beautiful while also being ashes.

[sanmagic7]

PC, hopefully that's exactly what will happen.  the ashes will only be ashes, not active volcanoes, and your true kind, caring, nurturing, understanding self w/ be able to show itself to you more regularly rather than the manufactured-thru-trauma self that haunts you.  i give you so much credit for tirelessly searching for what might help you, being openminded to what's out there.  love and hugs

[Papa Coco]

Thank you Armee and San both for the encouraging comments. Again, it means a lot.  I guess in a positive light, ashes from the destruction of the past become fertile soil for the future. I like the way you both helped me reframe this.

As I allow myself to accept the simplicity around the baseline knowledge that I have always hated myself and that my current life is nothing but tasteless ashes in my mouth, I'm finding even more clarity of thought.

Today, in my meditation, I committed myself to only one ask of the Universe. I want to be happy. NO OTHER WORDS were spoken. The more I study spiritual joy, the more I see that overthinking is what blocks success. I now commit to only one ask per day. Today it's happiness. Period. It's a laser focused request for a single gift from the gods. happiness. I don't care where it comes from. I don't care how it comes. I don't care what it costs me. I no longer add specific boundaries to what I ask for. And what I ask for is what my brain and heart attempt to achieve. ONE thing. Nothing else. To be intrinsically, completely, holistically, and permanently happy. That's all I want.

Remember, I don't see happiness as euphoric excitement. I don't see it as wealth or even health. Quite often the happiest people on earth are the poorest ones, but they love themselves and their peers. I see happiness as a sense of being comfortable and grateful in one's own skin. A person can be a happy person even while mourning a loss. Temporary feelings of sadness are okay, as long as the baseline of the person is happy. I want to feel happy in my own skin, happy with my environment, happy with my friendships and activities. Good and bad days can still happen, but from a place of baseline happiness in who I am and what I have and what I do. Period. So I ask for baseline happiness. Nothing else. Don't care how I get it.

Journal Entry for Sunday, April 16, 2023

I took my new supplement twice yesterday, six hours apart. I noticed a very slight improvement on my mood and my clarity of thought. VERY slight. Like maybe 1% improvement.  Then, last night, I went to bed without taking anything at all. I usually take a supplement of some kind, from CBD to Melatonin to over the counter sleep aids. Last night, nothing. And I slept for nearly 8 solid hours, only having to get up as usual to pee twice. But I fell right back asleep as soon as I returned to bed.

This morning I feel maybe 3% better than usual. By better I mean slightly more clear of thought, and slightly less depressed and slightly more interested in MAYBE fixing or repairing or cleaning something. I have a leaking bath/shower diverter. It's been a problem for over a year. It's a fix that should cost less than $12 and should take me less than 15 minutes to fix. So I got a small screwdriver and attempted to remove the screw that holds the failing faucet onto the copper pipe. To my disappointment, I discovered that this faucet takes an allen wrench instead of a screwdriver. It's in a blind spot so I can't see it, I can only stick tools up into the hole and feel around. It was a GD allen screw, not a phillips. GRRR.

I got a little angry. I went looking for an allen wrench. I own many, many allen wrenches, because my house and garage are so badly disorganized that I can never find one when I need it. So I just go out and buy new for $1, use it, and then lose that one too. After looking in about 4 places for my allen wrenches I became furious and threw up my hands and said "F@@@ it!" I was so angry that I decided to not do any projects today at all. To organize my garage will take several days. I first have to pull EVERYTHING out of its piles. I have to put both cars in the driveway for a week, which makes them vulnerable to theft and break-ins (I live near Seattle. Crime is not illegal here anymore, so the odds of having one's car stolen are very, very high. The only thing police are allowed to do about crime is document it after it happens. Period. not allowed to help other than that). Okay, so I'm only slightly exaggerating the problem with crime, but I promise you, this is only a very, very slight exaggeration. We law abiding citizens are at great risk now, so we absolutely MUST keep our cars hidden--which is one of the factors that makes me feel so victimized these days! I don't do a lot of things because I'm afraid of being robbed or shot at while doing them. That makes me look at my garage and, again, just shout "F@@@ IT!" I can't leave the cars out for a week, so I can't organize my garage, so I can't use my tools, so I can't fix my $12 leaky shower diverter.

STILL, as small an improvement in my depression as it is, it was still an improvement! YAY! I am calling it a win that for 15 minutes today I felt like doing something other than sit and watch TV. If I keep taking these supplements and keep only pursuing only ONE thing per day--happiness and nothing else--then perhaps I'll feel stronger and more and more like doing things again in the not too distant future...A guy can hope. Right? HOPE.

I answered a post this morning on someone else's thread where I reminded myself that anytime I start to feel happy, I also start to swirl in chaos within my head. Dreams increase, confusion, forgetfulness, and an overwhelming sense of chaotic thoughts and feelings. In answering that post, while experiencing a slight clarity of thought, it dawned on me that if I can allow myself to accept the chaotic side effects of happiness, maybe I can start to accept a little bit more happiness.

My therapist calls it "shaking the snow globe" when something good happens and my brain goes into its chaotic storms, the feeling of wanting to calm the chaos of accepting happiness is akin to an addict needing another drink so as to ruin the happiness and calm the chaos that comes with being too happy. Too many of us use distraction or self-sabotage to keep from feeling too good, because feeling good upsets the discomfort of feeling bad, which is all we know. We accept the joy we think we deserve. We sabotage the joy we think we don't deserve. Sort of like choosing the devil we know is safer than experiencing the angel we say we want to know. I call it returning to being uncomfortably comfortable in my familiar feelings that I'm not allowed to be happy.

[Papa Coco]

I have to issue a correction.

The product I'm now taking has no psilocybin in it.  I'm reading the ingredients as: Ibotenic acid & Muscarium. I have  nooooo idea what these two words mean, but they are not psilocybin.

The kid who introduced me to the product was one of those guys who answered every simple question with a complicated and confusing answer. Like he wanted to teach me everything he knew in every sentence. By the time I left the store with the bottle I truly didn't know what it was.

That's okay for now though, because the product is helping me a lot. After writing the above post this morning, I found myself cleaning my bathroom. This is no small task, as I have a copper sink that, up until an hour ago, was black and green the way copper gets. I've been avoiding cleaning it for months and months. Today I just had the urge to pull out the copper cleaner and rubber gloves, and to happily scrub the heck out of it. It's bright copper color now. Beautiful!  I then organized the drawers in my dresser.  Who am I? What have I done with the real Papa Coco?

I know that I was very happy after my first few Ketamine Infusions. That happiness has since worn off. I know that I was in a whole new world of happiness in February during my 4 weeks of hypnotherapy, and now, months later, that's worn off.  My hope is that products such as this one will work for a longer period of time than Ketamine and Hypnotherapy did. I'm glad that this product has appeared for me now, but I'm going to remain cautiously optimistic that it isn't another temporary feel-good product. It's all above board. They have three stores here in Seattle, one of which is in a popular shopping mall right next to our Apple computer store. So it's not illegal. The product is called SOLA Mood Magic. This store is also on the web at   www.CBDbySOLA.com. Legal in Seattle, but I don't know the laws and rules anywhere else.   

So again: I correct my earlier statements: These capsules contain NO psilocybin, but within the first two days of taking it I feel energetic and ready to get back to living my life like I did when I was  younger.

[dollyvee]

Yeah, I've been quiet lately. Partly because I'm busy with family stuff. But also because I feel like I've been mentally distracted and unable to respond to forum members accurately. I feel like I'm not truly understanding what I'm reading, so my responses are inappropriate or "off-base." I'm afraid of offending anyone by misunderstanding them and making comments that don't make sense...like I'm babbling incoherently online. So to stave off any chance of hurting anyone's feelings by saying something dumb, I'm not responding to much at this time.

I feel like I'm losing touch with the world and it would be best to keep silent until I feel like I know what's going on around me again.

Hey PC,

Thank you for your message btw. I wanted to respond this because I think that this quote was because of something you wrote in my journal, and which I responded to. I think that my asking for clarification on what you meant perhaps took you to a very old place with lots of past stuff coming up for you, and perhaps you took what I said personally? I can say that I wasn't expecting you to be on my side, but wanted you to elaborate on what you were talking about. To me, this is the beginning of communication and secure communication where each person is able to state their views and while they may not align, there is respect and a seeking to understand. Your experience may not be my experience but that doesn't mean it's not valid, and no one should anyone push their experiences on others but they should be able to express them. I think this a forum where a lot of people had to grow up without that and without that freedom. To me, my journal is a place to express things that are going on and I do appreciate other points of view on things that happened to other members that they might feel relates to them. It's also my personal experience and the short paragraph may not relate to others, or be what they initially thought it was.

I think for me, it was a challenge that you abruptly ended the conversation and went into a personal place but I get it. I'm learning more about being avoidant and dissociation and sometimes when "feelings" come up people can withdraw. Whether or not that resonates with you, I don't know. I feel like it does give me the impression of walking on eggshells and knowing me, that's something I will avoid at all costs. I am realizing this is again on the avoidant spectrum and not necessarily secure relating.

I do want to say that just because something feels like something from the past where it will be the same outcome, doesn't always necessarily mean it will be. Also, something that I'm trying to implement into my own life.

Sending you a hug if that's ok,
dolly

[Papa Coco]

Dolly,

Thank you for the response. This was all about my own traumas. I get so depressed sometimes that I can't make sense of what I'm reading or what I'm writing or what I'm saying. I often isolate just so I don't say something stupid to my wife, kids or friends. Better to hide than to open my mouth and show my confusion to the world.

I've recently truly began to understand my own life-long level of self-loathing. I've come to realize that I pretty much hate myself. The only thing I truly love about myself is that I seem to be fairly good at making other people feel good. So when I fear I've made someone feel bad, I go straight back to self-loathing.

You are correct, that I have a hair trigger on feeling like I've said something stupid and have hurt someone's feelings. There were several threads at that time where I felt like I was being insulting with my inability to read and comprehend. Add to that, the fact that my family wouldn't allow me to stay quiet. If I didn't respond to them, they saw that as me being insulting. Then when I forced myself to say something that I didn't know how to say, they'd become even angrier at me. Somehow, during that week when I wrote this, I was feeling like I'd be hurting people if I didn't respond at all, so I was forcing myself to try and be as responsive as I could, even though depression had me so in its grips that couldn't comprehend anything I read or saw or heard. 

I feel so responsible for everyone's happiness, that every time a member sort of goes silent for a long period of time, I automatically assume it's because of a post I wrote that made them feel unwelcome or unsafe or misunderstood. And if I hadn't written any such post, then I assume it's because I didn't respond. It's a self-torture that eats at my stomach lining 24x7x365.

My time on this forum has been good for me, but there have been many times I've worried myself sick that I said something stupid or accidentally misinterpreted someone's deepest thoughts. Mmmmmmmany times. I can't count the number of posts I've deleted 5 minutes after writing them for fear I've said something insulting or stupid. (It's how I was raised. Everything I ever said was eventually used as proof that I was responsible for my family's unhappiness).

It's trauma, no doubt. And I'm a Fawn-Freeze-Flee-Fight. If my fawning doesn't make someone feel good, then I freeze and flee back into my own self-loathing. This had nothing to do with you. This was a bad EF I was in at the time. I was living in the memories of being humiliated, punished, and abandoned by other people for an entire lifetime. Family and church blamed me for their misery all the time. I'm grateful for my power to help, but I'm mortally terrified of my own power to hurt others. My entire life is a balancing act between helping and not accidentally hurting. When my family ignored me, that was the best case scenario. When they weren't ignoring me, they were accusing me of hurting them by being who I am. I was a scapegoat. THEY taught me to run when I get confused.  And, as I mentioned above, this was not one single post that made me write what you've quoted. I was feeling like I was hurting everyone on the forum by opening my big, stupid mouth (as family would say).  Thankfully it only lasted about a week. I sort of came out of the EF a week later.

I'm trying to grasp the fact that this specific anxiety will never end for me, so rather than freeze-flee, I need to find ways to mitigate the inevitable. This includes with my wife, my kids, grandkids, friends, neighbors...It's a common occurrence for me to feel like I don't belong in other people's conversations.

Yes, please feel free to send me a hug. I love hugs. Here's one for you right now.

[Armee]

Papa Coco:

I feel so responsible for everyone's happiness, that every time a member sort of goes silent for a long period of time, I automatically assume it's because of a post I wrote that made them feel unwelcome or unsafe or misunderstood. And if I hadn't written any such post, then I assume it's because I didn't respond. It's a self-torture that eats at my stomach lining 24x7x365.

Me, too. Exactly. You aren't alone in that.

And I deleted a reply I left to you yesterday because I was answering in a triggered state and worried I'd offend you or make things worse for you. But also worried that no reply at all would also be bad. 

[sanmagic7]

i've done this, too, PC.  worried, deleted, rewrote, worried again . . . yep.  sounds very familiar.  however, there have been mistakes made by me and others toward me, and we've been able to resolve them and carry on from there.  this group of people i've found to be extremely patient with each other on the whole, willing to walk thru the 'conflict' and still be there for each other. 

we're all here doing the best we can. the idea of feeling responsible for someone else's happiness is an old one.  ingrained in us in so many different ways by so many different people.  isn't that where the word/concept 'selfish' comes from?  not allowed to have your own toys, feelings, time, energy, whatevers because someone else wants them and we're taught to 'share', give away what's ours and what we enjoy so that someone else doesn't feel bad. 

i have liked the idea of reframing selfish to be self-ish, as in self care, boundaries, doing what's best for your 'self', speaking your own self's truth - all with kindness and caring, of course. a lot of people don't like it when we do it, but pooh to them.  love and hugs