Rainy Journal 2022

[rainydiary]

I guess the week is moving along.

Today I have a presentation at work.  I got a lot of positive feedback on it which caught me off guard.  My critic brain is telling me people are surprised I am capable of giving a presentation for a variety of factors.  I am trying to accept that they are simply giving me a compliment.

I also am in a weird place that I am trying to navigate.  I have developed this "crush" on a person at work.  I actually find it really embarrassing.  Since being married,  I have had "crushes" on celebrities or characters, but not on another person I see during the week.  I am shaming myself for my feelings.  I am not going to act on these feelings, it is just confusing.

I am feeling ok this week generally.  I hope I am moving toward what will help me be me.

[rainydiary]

Trying to process something I learned today about a colleague.

I have a colleague that most likely has some type of narcissist personality stuff going on. 

I worked directly with this person in the spring.  She is part of the reason I didn't want to stay at that school.

So far this school year she has written an email to our bosses claiming I didn't do work assigned to me (which wasn't true). 

A colleague just told me she goes around saying I slammed a door in her face.  I have no memory of doing that...

Actually as I write this I may have some done something close to that the last day we worked together where she stirred up sh*t and triggered me.  I don't remember slamming a door in her face but I did lose my cool with her...which had a lot to do with her own behavior and actions.

I am struggling with how she is acting.  She is not a well person and I don't think any of this is reflecting poorly on me.  I am struggling with her attempts to drag me down.  It makes me feel sick.

[Armee]

Congratulations on the positive feedback on your presentation, Rainy. 

It's so difficult to navigate such a difficult person in a work environment. Do you think other people know she has those types of issues? If so they likely take the things she says with a massive grain of salt. 

[rainydiary]

Thank you Armee - other people are aware of how this person acts and I think it reflects poorly on her.  I am planning to distance myself from the person that keeps telling me what this lady says about me.  It isn't doing any of us any good. 
.........
I haven't felt very well the past two days.  I am worried I am sick.

I am also admitting something very huge to myself today.

I am asking myself for real if I want to continue to be married. 

I am going to seek out supports as I try to answer that question. 

I feel heavy in myself as I put that question out there.

It also makes me really, deeply sad.

[CactusFlower]

Hugs, rainy. That is a very complex question to ask. We're here for you as you think about it. 

[rainydiary]

Thank you CF 
........
I am not feeling well today.  I plan to try to rest the best I can.  I can't seem to get comfortable which is making rest difficult.

The question I wrote yesterday has been on my mind for a long time and I just haven't written down.

The anniversary of my BIL's death is approaching.  That was such a turning point in my life as well as my husband's.  Things have been so different between us since then and I am having trouble understanding the changes.

The other part of this is that my BIL's death prompted the beginning of my understanding trauma and abuse in my own life.  I am very different inside than I was three years ago.

I'm in a place of really actually asking what I want and need generally.  I will need to find a way to talk to my husband about all of this.  That is some of why this is harder - talking to him often isn't helpful. 

I am going to rest now.

[Blueberry]

That's a big, deep question you're asking yourself.  I'll try to be here is all I can say.

[Not Alone]

I am also admitting something very huge to myself today.

I am asking myself for real if I want to continue to be married. 

I am going to seek out supports as I try to answer that question. 

I feel heavy in myself as I put that question out there.

It also makes me really, deeply sad.

That is really big. It takes courage to ask yourself that question. Take all the time that you need to answer yourself.

[paul72]

sending support and best wishes as you sort through so much rainy. 

[rainydiary]

Thank you all for the support - it is really reaching my heart.  I don't feel very well today and don't have the energy to write individually, yet I know you all will understand that. 
.........
I am not feeling my best still.  I have definitely felt worse in my life and yet I am feeling a lot of anxiety over not feeling well.  Because I don't understand why.  I spend so much time around kids that perhaps I picked something up - but my symptoms don't make sense.  My throat is sore and my stomach hurts from time to time and I just feel deeply tired.  I am trying to rest but finding myself feeling incredibly distressed today over how I feel.

It is possible my body is dreading the next two months.  November and December have become nightmares for me.  I worry something is going to happen that will upend my life.  But also the holidays generally wear on me.  My husband also has a trip planned to visit his family - he'll be gone for a week.  A part of me always worries he won't come back.

I am also appreciating for the first time how settled I felt in my old home - that must have been why my brain finally felt safe to acknowledge my past and the abuse and hurt I experienced.  Right now I have a home but it is temporary and that is leaving me on edge.

I don't miss my old state and am glad we left.  It never felt "right" living there. 

I am also appreciating how much change has taken place in the past three years.  I have done a lot of work to process what had accumulated over a much longer period than three years. 

I feel on the verge of tears on and don't really know why.  I've honestly been asking myself since my BIL died and the way my husband acted during that time if our relationship should continue.  I am deeply hurt and angry at him.  Still.  I think a part of me is just waiting for the other shoe to drop and for him to stop pretending that being married to me (which his family clearly hates) is the life he wants.

I will say I have noticed myself getting better at identifying a need and telling him.  He has tried to respond and has made some adjustments which I appreciate.  I think there are a lot of other unspoken needs I hope to find the words for. 

I will be meeting with a teletherapist in the coming weeks to help process.  I recognize it is occasionally helpful to me to be able to say things out loud to someone that doesn't know me and I have a need for that.  I am also planning to call a psychologist office that offers autism evaluations for adults.  The trick is that this place is a 2 hour drive from where I live.  But there aren't a lot of providers that complete assessments like this and it may be what I need to do.

[sanmagic7]

hey, rainy, have you gotten tested for covid?  just a thought.

lots of love and support while you figure things out.

[CactusFlower]

Gentle hugs, rainy. We're here with you during these winter months. I agree, they can be hard. I hope you can in to get tested in a reasonable amount of time. Fingers crossed.

[Armee]

Sending compassion for these next hard months. And I bet driving those two hours each way will be worth it, though I wish there was closer testing. Getting help from a therapist too might help sort out these difficult feelings. I couldn't do it alone. I hope you find someone you click with.

[Blueberry]

Sending compassion too rainy

Good on you for getting better at identifying needs and telling your h. That is progress

[rainydiary]

Thank you all - I have taken some COVID tests and they have been negative.  There is respiratory stuff going around kids though and I think my symptoms indicate that.  I think that might be why it was harder to tell as it is mostly something going on with my lungs.
.........
I am home today.  Exhausted, unable to get comfortable, sleep not really helpful.

I pushed myself to go to work yesterday because there was a meeting it would have caused trouble if I had missed.

The meeting was deeply triggering.  Thankfully I joined through video call because if I had been in the room with that parent I would have not been ok.

The parent raised a lot of real and valid concerns.  She is not a well person emotionally and psychologically based on things she said.  She spoke from a place of being triggered.  I want to help her but I don't think I ever will be able to.

The hardest thing she said is that one of my colleagues told her that the services I and another provider give are a joke.  She didn't mean specifically me and the person currently doing the work, but in general her impression is that what we do is not valuable.

It is possible that some of that was the parent's interpretation...but based on things this colleague has said to my face, I am sure she said something along those lines. 

It honestly evaporated my already small desire to continue working at that school.  Assuming I am well enough on Friday, I have an evaluation meeting with my boss and will talk to her about that.

I'm glad I am home today and yet I also feel guilty.  I hate being sick because everything feels a million times worse.