Rainy Journal 2022

[CactusFlower]

wishing you energy for dealing with the anger, and hugs if you want them, rainy. I think because a lot of us have to learn to name how we feel and learn how to be okay with having that feeling, we've learned to be afraid of our own (perfectly normal) anger.

[rainydiary]

Thank you, CF, the hugs are appreciated.
.......
I am trying to fall asleep but my brain is busy. 

My day started off kind of annoying by receiving a bill for a toll fee in my old state - there was no way it could have been me.  I called the organization and was able to get the charge dismissed.  I am proud of handling that but it also took something out of me. 

I also worked to try add my husband to my  health insurance plan.  That did not go as smoothly as I had hoped and I think I will have more bureaucracy to deal with.  I am annoyed at having to deal with this.

Last night I dreamed about the principal from my job from last year.  What I remember of the dream is receiving some notice and having to schedule a disciplinary meeting with her.

I have gotten stuck on the word "insubordination."  I don't think I was actually insubordinate as I complied with requests (often unreasonable) from people that were actually my bosses and ignored things I was directed to by people that didn't actually have say in my job yet wielded so much power to push me around.  What is the worst is that I was gaslighted so much and made to feel like I was horrible.

I had this dream and then was also really activated today while watching some more training videos (I only have 5 left to watch).  What I get stuck on in many of these videos is discussion of a hostile work environment.  That is what I have experienced a lot (I believe) especially in the job from a year ago.  I get upset with myself that I didn't somehow stop these environments from being terrible.  I start to feel lousy that I seem to have a knack for finding that most dysfunctional places to work and say "Rainy, the common thread is you, you must be the problem."   

This is not a fair thing to put on myself.  Toxic environments and systems are complex and long standing and I did what I could.  I wish I didn't feel so lousy about myself. 

I also continue to worry about my body.  I am afraid that as I finally heal and find my way, something bad is going to happen to me and I won't be able to keep going.  I would like to continue experiencing and seeing where I end up. 

[CactusFlower]

hugs again! You are not the common thread. There are far too many workplaces than not these days that are toxic. I'm sorry you have to experience any of them. "Insubordinate"... That made me outraged on your behalf just to read. I have this feeling they just used "insubordinate" as code for "won't put up with some stuff." In any case, I wish you luck with the upcoming work and peace.

[rainydiary]

Thanks CF - I appreciate your support and perspective.  I was reflecting this morning that a lot of my struggle is born out of the pain growing up feeling powerless against abusive parenting.  I would actually say I have made a stand and given the strong reactions I provoked, I know I did and said things that align with how I want to show up.  But it wears on one to be bullied. 
........
I wanted to reflect on this while it is fresh in my mind.

This morning I went for a run and it was lovely and cloudy out.  It's been too hot of late and I like heat less and less as I get older. 

As I was returning home, it occurred to me how I show up at work (and probably other places with lots of people) in a defensive place.  I expect to be hurt and I expect to not be accepted and I expect that nothing I will do will matter.  And the worse I feel, the more aggressive my defensiveness becomes.

As I am aware of this, I hope to spend some time being curious about how I can approach differently.  I will be starting a school that is brand new to me.  I am really triggered by this but also it is an opportunity to recalibrate my own expectations of myself and others. 

I often think of how hurt and lost I feel and imagine many folks that have caused me pain must feel the same in their own way.  It doesn't excuse poor treatment but it also motivates me to keep trying to find a way to heal.

[sanmagic7]

what a great realization, rainy, about how you've approached new/different situations and people with your armor already in place.  best to you on the new you you're cultivating.  i sincerely hope you can show up as yourself in your new work environment.  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

Thank you San.  I often feel like I have a realization and the lessons fall through my hand like grains of sand.  I am more aware and hopefully can respond differently moving forward.
.........
I had a dream last night that was deeply disturbing.  It really tapped into some deeply held things.

I have felt like I have a pit in my stomach all day.  I haven't felt safe in my body all day.

It is weird because my thoughts aren't distressed - or at least, I am able to keep myself in my thinking brain even though my body feels like it is screaming. 

I haven't tried yoga - perhaps I will go and do that. 

Something I am feeling glad for is that I think I have made some progress with my shoulder.  I have moments of the tension being less pronounced which is nice.  I think the awareness of deeply held anger is helping.

[Hope67]

Hi Rainydiary,
It sounds like you had a really strong and powerful dream last night, leaving you with those strong physical feelings today.  I hope that doing the yoga was helpful, if you decided to do that.  Sending you a supportive hug, if that's ok 

Glad to hear that you've had some progress with your shoulder, that is really good. 

Hope 

[rainydiary]

Thank you, Hope - yoga did help some.
.........
CN: discussion of death in this post

Yesterday got a bit heavier than I was expecting.  I found out a student I worked with about 5 years ago died recently.  I didn't know her very long but it still makes very sad.  I made the mistake of looking at the press release of how she died.  It was accidental.  It breaks my heart because all I can think of is how scared she must have been.  I think this news has had more of an impact than I am accepting and will probably be processing for a bit.

My mom also texted me yesterday news about my brother that I'm not sure she had his consent to share.  I was short in my responses to her and she sort of opened the door to check in but then stopped responding.  I feel so much hurt in my family relationships.

Today has mostly been ok.  During a meditation I had the reflection that some of the tension in my shoulder is pent up punches - I just want to hit something.  I realized I don't want to hit to hurt someone else but to physically protect myself.  My husband will be going out of town soon and I wonder about spending some uninterrupted time listening to my shoulder.

I have been thinking a lot about death of late as I worry too much about my body.   I know I will die but I don't want that time to come for a very long time.  I also would like to spend some time really listening to what I want out of my life moving forward. 

I realized that after I moved, I tried to recreate the life I had in my new home.  This summer I really slowed down and honestly have stopped a number of things I used to do but which are no longer working.  I think I have been grieving all summer.  So much has changed externally and internally yet I also still have many internal struggles.

I am so worried about the coming weeks as I return to work and have medical appointments. 

[paul72]

hi rainy I am sorry for the loss of your former student.

During a meditation I had the reflection that some of the tension in my shoulder is pent up punches - I just want to hit something.  I realized I don't want to hit to hurt someone else but to physically protect myself.  My husband will be going out of town soon and I wonder about spending some uninterrupted time listening to my shoulder.

I totally get this and think it's just awesome. I hope your shoulder has lots to tell you.
Forgive me if not useful. When I last spent time uninterrupted listening to my body I had to punch.. a lot... I felt stupid so I held back , but eventually I gave in and punched more than I ever had in my whole life combined (though I'm no fighter lol). I felt I was fighting for my parts. Showing them I will protect them.
Whatever and however it works out, I hope you find it beneficial.. i will be rooting for you today!!

[Not Alone]

I am sorry for the loss of your student. I have had similar experience. The death of children and young adults, who I have known, has left an ache in my heart.

[CactusFlower]

gentle hugs if you want them, rainy. Sorry to hear about your student.

I agree with the others. Punch a pillow, a mattress, couch cushion, whatever. Those punches want to come out, there are safe ways to do so.

[sanmagic7]

i've also punched things to let out anger, rainy, and it's been cathartic.  another thing i found helpful (when i lived in a house) was to throw my flip-flops at a door.  the physical exertion plus the satisfying sound they made was very helpful in releasing some anger.  i think this shows how helpless we've felt in protecting ourselves from the past, and possibly even in the present.  the pain you feel w/ your family touched me a lot.  so very sorry you are so hurt by them - and also sorry about your student.  not enough words.  sending love and a hug full of self-enabled protection.

[rainydiary]

Thank you all for the care and support.  I will explore ways I can be physical in my space and see what that does or doesn't do.  I want to respond individually but am not up to it at the moment.
.........
I am a bundle of emotion today.

I am so overwhelmed by the approach of another school year.  I'm not sure that I am anxious.  I always struggle with that word because it suggests worry about the future - my worry is about the past repeating itself because it has for me time and time again at different schools. 

I notice that this is a pattern where I get this build up of tension in the final days of summer break. 

My husband and I went for a walk in a lovely forested park we live near and it was helpful to do that.

Then we watched the final episode of a season of a show we enjoy.  It was too much emotionally for me - the way the show juxtaposes the amazing things we can do and accomplish as people and the terror and harm we can cause is a lot to take in. 

A lot of my struggle right now is that I have lost two people that were my sounding boards in the past.  One was a professional relationship and it makes "sense" that we grew apart as I moved and no longer pay for the service.  The other is a friendship and that one is really hurting.  The person has put up a lot of boundaries and I don't feel like she will be there to respond like she has in the past.  While I understand, it also hurts. 

I struggle with friendships so much - some of my pain of late is that I've thought over my friendships over the years and patterns emerge that make me feel lonely and like I've never really had friends. 

I generally have been feeling like I lack a place.  I grew up living all over and as an adult I have moved many times to pursue different opportunities.  I don't see myself as a person that will be fixed in one place for always.  This movement does make relationships tricky to develop and maintain.

[sanmagic7]

sorry for your losses, rainy, especially since these were people to whom you could speak sincerely about what was on your mind.  i've had people put up such boundaries, and it does hurt.  it also feels like i've suddenly been limited, like a sense of freedom has been taken away.   sending love and a hug filled w/ calm and soothing for your anxiety as you approach another school year. 

[Papa Coco]

Rainy

Having trusted emotional outlets are so important, so I'm thinking about you and sending you all the healing energy I can muster.