Rainy Journal 2022

[Blueberry]

I hear you rainy on the healing and healing and then there's still more to do.

I'm so glad your friend stepped in in high school to get you treated with dignity at the dance. Sounds a good memory to have atm.

I hope it turns out you can sleep tonight after all

[rainydiary]

Thank you Blueberry - I did end up sleeping that night but last night was not so good.  I appreciate your support.
..........
I had a good day yesterday.  It was just good. 

And then night came.  I could not fall asleep.  My brain kept going and going and going.  Then when I finally got to sleep, my cat woke me up really early with getting up a hairball (this really shouldn't be called coughing up a hairball because there is no coughing about it). 

The biggest weight on me is the approaching work.  I keep thinking about what happened last year.  I keep thinking about "conversations" I had with people where it is my word against theirs and how  I don't feel believed for what happened. 

And of course that stuff is bad, but it touches on so many deep hurts that are very old.  I am feeling so discouraged about myself and my place in the world.  I try so hard with relationships and struggle, struggle, struggle. 

Just now I broke down and cried.  I spoke to my husband about my experiences a bit.  I am trying to be patient and kind with myself but it isn't working very well right now.

[Armee]

Sending support, Rainy. It has to be really pretty stressful to be preparing to go back to work. Your heart is in the right place at work. I know it's easier said than done but trust yourself...there will always be toxic people out there. Stand firm in who you are cause you're one of the good ones.

[CactusFlower]

gentle hugs to you, rainy. I second Armee's post, you are definitely one of the good ones. Wishing you energy to deal with the upcoming work and peace for sleeping. (and some to the cats, as a cat owner, I completely understand the yakking issue)

[Blueberry]

I third Armee's post. 

[rainydiary]

Armee, CF, Blueberry, thank you.  I appreciate your support and encouragement.
..........
I thought I would get a little out of my mind before trying to settle down for the night.

I have been watching training videos for work (I have 50 to get though).  Every school district I've worked in does something like this, but this job is definitely the most thorough.  I appreciate that they pay us some for watching these videos. 

And yet, these videos.  They trigger me and I sometimes don't realize it for a while.  Because it's work related and I know I have to do it, I notice I push down my initial "what the..." reactions and they come out later.  Small comments or topics get under my skin and it can build.

One video, about child abuse, started with the question, "What do you know about child abuse?"  Well............................... Another video told me I just need to learn to manage stress.  *eye roll*

Intellectually, I understand that given the nature of work in schools and all the dynamics between adults and children, it is important for there to be guidance on managing difficult topics.  And I do get triggered because of my personal experiences.  I also am aware most people probably don't think twice about this stuff.

What upsets me the most though is that a district can say "this is our policy and we want you to report these things when you see them or experience them (child abuse, bullying, harassment, etc)."  But my observation is that most of the time they don't actually want that to happen. 

Over the years I have watched teachers say things about and to students that is not ok.  I have tried to stand up to it and am always met with, "that's not a good idea." 

Over the years I have personally been bullied by a number of teachers and administrators.  I have tried to stand up to it and it always gets turned around to be my fault.

I acknowledge that I make a lot of mistakes and most likely contribute to difficult dynamics at times.  But I don't operate in a vacuum.  I bring a nervous system that picks up on nuances, subtleties and feels deeply the hurt, injustice, meanness I see. 

That isn't necessarily a bad thing.  My instincts of "this is wrong" aren't wrong.  Other people I have encountered have been wrong and we weren't able to work through it for a variety of reasons. 

I do get so upset though at the thought of the pain being caused to so many students by careless comments and actions of well meaning, tired, burned out adults.  I get upset that as I watch these videos and realize I was bullied at work and couldn't do anything about it but leave.

The approach of HR being required to require us to be given information out of context to check off a box makes me upset.  I always want to say something to someone about my experience of watching these things....but I never do because I don't know who it would be or if they would listen. 

Lately I've felt so stuck because I have so many ideas and thoughts and no where to discuss them. 

[sanmagic7]

sending support and hope to you, rainy, hope that maybe, possibly, you will not encounter the same abuse, especially not being believed.  i hate that feeling - it goes to the core of our being.  love and hugs   

[Hope67]

Hi Rainy,
I really relate to the things you're saying about watching those training videos, and your experiences within your work system of trying to be heard and understood.  I've grappled with such similar things myself when I was within my own profession. 

I wondered whether maybe a way to get people to 'hear' those things you want to express might literally be to write an article or even a chapter for a book or something like that - to share your thoughts and your experiences (in an anonymised way if you wanted to) - but some way to be able to have your thoughts taken on board. 

I hope you don't mind my sharing those thoughts, but I was thinking you wrote so many really pertinent things, and that maybe raising them with the organisation directly isn't necessarily the arena where they'd be able to make changes, but sharing those things in a way that people could read and consider - that might reach more people.

I also noticed that I felt some frustration that you have to watch these videos during your vacation - that doesn't seem fair, although I know you are receiving some payment for doing so.

Sending you a supportive hug Rainy 

Hope 

[rainydiary]

San, thank you.  Some of the stress I feel is that I acknowledge how much of my experience is filtered through my wounds.  While I have had mean experiences with people, that hasn't always been the case.  I keep a lot of distance between myself and others which isn't always necessary.
......
Hope, I appreciate the ideas you shared.  I will think on it - it bothers me all the time and I wonder if it would help me to create something out of the experience. 

I also appreciate the frustration about this being worked on during vacation time.  My past experience has been that so much stuff and expectation is crammed into the beginning of the school year that it lowers my overall stress to just do these things before I get too busy.  I have a lot of anxiety right now and doing a little something makes me feel a bit more in control. 
..........
I felt tired today and didn't do much.

My husband and I have been watching a TV show that overall has been enjoyable.  There is a relationship in the show that has really gotten to me.  It seems to represent deep wishes I have for relationships.  The relationship didn't go the way I had hoped and I find myself grieving a fake relationship presented in a show.  My disappointment and sadness and grief feel big in my stomach right now.

Tomorrow I am starting a new training plan for a 15K run I will do in October.  I am looking forward to having a goal to work toward.

[sanmagic7]

i've had similar experiences w/ shows, rainy, especially when i've felt a connection w/ the characters.  for me, it feels like it's a reflection of what's gone wrong for me in the past, or what i've missed out on.  the grief is real, i believe.  love and a hug filled w/ support and compassion

[CactusFlower]

hugs, rainy. Absolutely, a well-written show can be something we connect with closely. For me, the shows I want to watch are usually the ones that are good enough to make me care.

Congrats on your running! 15k upcoming, that's just... wow. I am so impressed!

[rainydiary]

San, yes, the relationship depicted put a lot of questions to me and made me feel like I am missing out on some version of myself that doesn't exist.  I have been reflecting on grief the past few days and how we grieve over things we didn't want too. 
......
CF, I love watching or reading stories with good relationship stories.  I appreciate your support about the run - I honestly walk a lot in these types of events.  It is still a commitment but it helps me to have something to stick to and accomplish.
...........
Today has been a relatively calm and comfortable day.  I've had moments where my brain has tried to respond as if I was in danger.  I have been able to work with that today.

I notice I am becoming more anxious as I prepare for bed.  I've had a lot of dreams lately.  I don't remember any of them but I have the sense they have been about things I feel like I am missing and seeking and yet can't come close to. 

Something I've been puzzling over is how I can hold space for and be a support to children.  Another adult enters the scene and I feel like I am the child.  I wonder about why I continue to feel so inferior to other adults and why I lack confidence with them. 

When I think about my relationship to other adults, I keep trying to prove something and I'm not sure what exactly.  I keep wishing I was a different person and that I had a different life.  I want to grow my tolerance with feeling present with other adults. 

[rainydiary]

I am noticing that as I am feeling a bit more safe and relaxed, I am feeling triggered by that.  Given how difficult work can be, I think my brain is trying to brace me. 

I have these rash type marks on my side rib cage that are causing me stress.  They don't hurt and yet aren't going away.  My instinct is they are related to my bras -
I think my bras are worn out.  I have ordered some new bras and hope that helps. 

If it doesn't help, I have a doctor's appointment coming up.  I think that is also causing me worry.  I am never honest with primary care doctors about my mental health.  I am also working through ableism and ageism. 

I noticed today how much I wish I was different.  I keep wanting back all the possibility I thought I had when I was younger.  I wish my brain was different and that my body was different and that I felt wanted and accepted.

I also noticed how a part of me accepted myself today.  It accepted that my brain works the way it does and that my brain brings value.  I am still working on accepting myself and it feels especially hard right now.

[sanmagic7]

it sounds like you're doing some important work on yourself, rainy.  longing for what might have been, yep, it's rough.  so sorry the work thing is troubling you and you're having sleep issues.  those have been some of the worst for me.  sending love and a hug filled w/ clarity and acceptance.

[rainydiary]

Thank you San.  So much work and I am tired of it.
.........
This morning I am reflecting on how I believe I have anger deeply buried inside.

I am afraid of expressing it and letting it out.

But I am angry.

I am angry at the assumptions that have been made about me.   I am angry at my parents.  I am angry at colleagues at work.  I think I am also angry at myself which feels misdirected and is more about self blame and shame.

I am afraid to feel angry and hope to explore that some.