Rainy Journal 2022

[Blueberry]

I'm sorry things are difficult with car paperwork. That kind of thing is always just one additional thing on top of everything else that I just don't need. I hope it sorts itself out somehow. 

[rainydiary]

Blueberry, I appreciate your understanding.  I wish these types of things didn't feel so overwhelming to me.
..........
I did not handle myself well this morning in communication with my husband.  I am still uncomfortable communicating needs and instead what often comes out is a harsh reflection of something where there is no way he can respond.

After that moment, I reflected a bit and realized a lot has piled up.

I received a letter from work a few weeks ago on beginning of year meetings and was confused by it.  I didn't know who to ask for clarification as my boss has left her job and people seem sensitive about you asking the "right person."  Today I reread it and decided to just sign up for the meetings listed.  That indecision and lack of understanding was really bothering me. 

I am also bothered by paperwork woes with my car and a financial account I am trying to set up.  I made an appointment with a bank to see if I can get the form I need signed.  I sent a written message to my car finance company because trying to call someone first doesn't always work for me. 

I am trying to take it one step at a time and trying to remember that I haven't done anything wrong.

I started reading Janina Fisher's Transforming the Living Legacy.  I was looking at it while cooking dinner so was a bit distracted but also it helped me take it in in chunks.  What stood out to me today was the reminder that trauma doesn't "end" when the experience or environment are gone or done.  It was helpful to me to read that today. 

One of the worksheets I worked on today asked for me to consider how things that came about for me as a result of trauma (such as depression, anxiety, shame and more) helped me survive.  I tried answering that and found resistance to it even though I came up with answers. 

I think the word "survive" is getting under my skin a bit.  I have referred to myself as a trauma survivor as that language signals meaning to other people.  But I am pretty tired of "surviving."  I am also tired because I feel overwhelmed by the news and knowledge that people suffer in ways I will never really understand.  I want to help make positive change in the world but feel so limited in what I can do or want to do. 

I hope I can continue to not think too much about work even though it is quickly approaching.  My intention is to be as present as I can be and try to respond to what is in front of me. 

[sanmagic7]

rainy, maybe it seems to be a small thing to you, but to me, the kindness and caring you show here on the forum to people like me who are hurting, in pain, confused, or just plain down (and, like you, tired of simply surviving) your words make a big difference in the world.  many of us cannot solve world problems, let alone country, state, or city, but personally you make a lot of difference in the lives of many.  and i thank you for that.  i can't take to the streets anymore, nor volunteer as i once did, but i hope i can make a difference in one other life wherever that may be.  love and hugs 

[rainydiary]

San, I deeply appreciate what you wrote.  It filled my heart and I hope to internalize the positive message as I still feel so much resistance to accepting good thoughts from others.  Thank you. 
.........
I went to the bank today and they helped me with my form.  I hope they filled it out correctly and worry they didn't.  I mailed it in and will have to wait and see.

I am noticing struggle as another school year approaches.  The reminder that trauma doesn't "end" when the experience or event ends is helping me realize how hurt I've been in my work experiences. 

I am thinking about colleagues from a previous job that I thought I got along with and realizing I don't think they liked me very much.  One in particular helped me as a reference and in looking back I think I was a trigger for her.  I think I misunderstood our working relationship and it hurts me.

I'm also still really upset by what happened in the job I quit last October.  I cannot move past how I was treated and feel so foolish for all the "ammo" I gave them by being so honest and forthcoming.  I cannot move past how disrespectful they were toward me.  I have a new job and they are all still there being nasty.

And now the job I have.  I am stressed as I am still unclear how to begin the year and if I will receive communication of things I need to know.  I think they take for granted and don't realize how much information new people need to feel oriented.  They also poor awareness of trauma in my experience.  I am trying to be hopeful that I will have the opportunity to be myself and find my way this year.

I am curious where I'll be a year from now.  I hope I feel less hurt and more connected. 

[rainydiary]

I've been having trouble falling asleep.

Last night I was just about to fall asleep and felt this sense of peace.  My body had felt less tense and I was feeling good.  I decided to write down that I was feeling well to mark the moment.

And then bam: I started thinking about so many things.  First I fixated on thoughts of how my hips were tight and how many of my early sexual experiences were SA.  I haven't fully processed that all.

Eventually my thoughts sort of focused around college.  I ended up feeling this deep deep deep sense of loneliness which I have experienced a lot of my life. 

I did start to name a few folks that were my friends at one point.  And finally fell asleep.

Today I am noticing tension back in my shoulder.  I started reading a book related to my career that I've been wanting to read for years.  I am really pressing myself to get through it.....and also I am still on break.

I am falling into the trap of putting others before me and trying to be so so so prepared.   But all I am doing is setting expectations I will not meet and then will feel bad about myself when I "fail."

[rainydiary]

I did not sleep well last night and woke up feeling ill today.  I took a home COVID test and it was negative.  I have tried to rest today but am still worn down.

I realized that my starting to read a book for work is a way of me to manage my anxiety and try to exert control.  I decided to stop reading because I am still on break.

I have been worried all day about not feeling well and have been trying to will myself to feel better.

[sanmagic7]

sending wellness vibes your way, rainy.  i hope you're not sick, that it's the stress flu instead - you've been going thru a lot - and that you feel better pronto.  also hope you get some good sleep soon.   :zzz:love and hugs

[rainydiary]

San, I appreciate the words of comfort.
........
I did not sleep well last night and I feel unwell today still.  I don't feel like myself and it is causing me distress.

I have been too hot at night and struggling with feeling like I am between sleeping and waking. 

I've had some odd dreams that unsettle me and haven't been able to feel comfortable.

Whatever is going on wellness wise seems to be a combination of seasonal allergies, menstrual cycle, stress. 

I have been putting so much pressure on myself and have tried to ease up today.  But I feel so uncomfortable at resting - I keep waiting for punishment.

[rainydiary]

I finally slept through the night last night.

I still don't feel well today.  I think I may actually have a cold.  I am remembering how unsafe it was to get sick growing up.  My parents were never very understanding and I did not learn good self care of illness from them.

One thing that was really stressing me out that I didn't fully acknowledge is that tonight my husband and I were supposed to have dinner with someone he knows from work.  If I wasn't feel sick it would have been fine to go.  I was worried about feeling well enough to go.

But this morning I woke up knowing I shouldn't go.  I spoke to my husband and feel relieved he is supportive of us not going. 

I wish I felt better as I am in a place of noticing all kinds of things with my body and I am trying to create this complex connection between all of them to mean I am really unwell. 

[sanmagic7]

hi rainy,

may i assure you there is no police force standing at the ready to punish anyone who wants or needs to rest.  you're listening to your body and it deserves your attention w/o guilt or shame.

have you considered testing for covid?  it seems to be running rampant right now, and could be the cause of your feeling ill.  just a thought.

i hope you continue to take care of yourself as best you can.  i think it was a great idea to cancel.  love and a hug filled w/ healing energy.

[Not Alone]

Rainy, I'm sorry that the stress of going back to work is weighing on you. Your previous work experience was so harmful. Makes me sad that you have to carry so much on top of everything else. 

[Armee]

Sending some support as you brace for the new school year to start.

Rest up, hopefully with minimal guilt.

And gentle support too as you are processing some about your early SA experiences.

[rainydiary]

Thank you all for your support. 
.........
I am starting to feel mostly better.  I continued to test negative for COVID and think I had some kind of sinus infection or cold.  I am a little baffled how it happened as I am not around others much.  I tend to associate these types of illnesses with drastic weather changes as that tends to be when I get sick.  I haven't been sick like that since probably 2019 so it was even more intense.

I am very emotional today and wish I fully understood why.  I'm not even sure what to say about it now that I am here.

[CactusFlower]

gentle hugs, rainy. Sometimes our bodies know what we need and maybe you needed the rest? Hope you feel even better soon. We're here for you.

[rainydiary]

Thank you CF.  I did need some rest.  I appreciate your support.
........
I am finding it hard to believe it is the month of August.  I haven't had to attend to time closely for a while which is nice.  I head back to work in about 2 weeks so am trying to hold on to enjoying time off while also starting to reestablish routines that I associate with work.

As the day went on, I noticed some things that I think contributed to my emotions earlier.

One was text exchange with my mom yesterday where she told me news about my brother that he hasn't told me.   I think she was trying to figure out if I had any information that he has told me but not her which I don't.  I have felt really upset of late how disconnected me and my siblings are but I think that may be our way of coping with the games our parents still play.

Another is that I received the mandatory beginning of school year trainings I have to do on topics that are so triggering - active shooters, child abuse, harassment, bullying, medical needs, etc.  I forget how triggered just reading the titles makes me until the next time I do these things.  There are a lot of reasons these things upset me that I may talk about another time.

I also saw on social media that a person I knew in high school just had a child of his die.  The child had cancer and they did their best to help the child heal as well as to enjoy his life.  It made me sad because this child was so obviously loved and I am sorry that so much of his life was spent ill.

I also thought of how kind the friend was to me in school and how he probably doesn't even remember his act of kindness to me.  I had gone to a dance with someone - it wasn't a very formal date (due to my parent issues and just generally a bad idea for me to date this person anyways).  My friend thought this date was ignoring me and treating me badly.  He stepped in for a dance to help me have some dignity.  It was so kind of him even though the "date" wasn't really a thing.  After all this time I can appreciate how special it was to have someone looking out for me.  I doubt he remembers that experience but I do.

Lately I've really been missing my massage therapist from my old state.  I have decided to take a break from massages here for a while as the place I've been going to isn't really working for me and I don't have the energy to keep trying to recreate the person and relationship I left behind.

I have been thinking a lot about "healing" of late and feeling angry and hurt and sad that it feels like no matter what I do, there is still more to work through.  For a while I've imagined that I am "untangling" myself but I don't like that image anymore.

I have a feeling it will be difficult for me to fall asleep tonight.  I hope that won't be the case but I imagine it might be.