Accepting Myself

[sanmagic7]

   big smile for you and all you've become and all you can be, blueberry.  sending love and a hug filled w/ even more of you to be revealed.

[Blueberry]

   

[sanmagic7]

yep, (i laughed!) it's all in there!  but it's part of us, the true us, right? we'll get thru what we have to,       manage what we can,      and enjoy our own bright spots.   all we can do, i guess.  love and hugs

[Blueberry]

The evening and I'm not feeling too good physically and I think it's because of this https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=14857.msg123215#new It's less painful actually but I'm just really tired so I'll be heading to bed quite soon. My throat is a little sore so I'm wondering if that part could be Corona. More and more people are getting infected here again. I'm joining those who are wearing a mask in certain places. I really don't want it on top of everything else.

On the plus side I taught for almost 3 hours today and I taught well. One new student yesterday, one today. It's really hot here but I'm managing the heat better than I used to.

I'm being pretty good with self-care too - that is avoiding movement that exacerbates my pain, which includes bending down to pick FurBaby food or to put my shoes on. So bought FurBaby food and wearing slip-ons or going bare-foot, even outside.

[woodsgnome]

Reading some of your material lately I've noticed what might be said to be a growing sense of a 'bittersweet' reaction towards the bad times (awful as it was/is at times) and how you feel better enabled to find some glimmers of hope that you seem to notice more, along with a quicker turnaround when the dark stuff still threatens.

I've noticed more of the same in my own life. In part I'm just feeding off of one word -- bittersweet. We're not talking about 'silver linings' or other pat cliches people use to gloss over the bitter part. We're talking real transformation where the bitter can't always hide the sweet parts of life, even though it can take some work to find anything truly sweet or good in so much of cptsd. But I think we can find glimmers if we look behind some aspects.

By the way, I've only read a bit of the introductory material so far, but there's a new book by Susan Cain titled "Bittersweet". She seems to have noticed how by including the sweet with the bitter it can start to change one's perspective, even if only in tiny steps at first. I've looked and begun to notice this myself, and see this  reflected in many of your posts as well, Blueberry. 

[Blueberry]

Thank you so much for seeing what you see in my posts and for commenting, woodsgnome! I like that idea of 'bittersweet'. There certainly is a quicker turnaround for me these days and I'm glad you notice the same for yourself. There's certainly some recovery going on there! Which is great after so much hard and dark stuff.

Continued stuff with LL, sigh.

I had been doing pretty well with the heat wave, but today was really hard. It was even hotter than yesterday and I had to go to the vet's twice, which meant a walk to and from bus stops in the sun and rides in a somewhat cooler bus though no a/c. At least my little old FurBaby survived and seems on the road to recovery. When I noticed last night that she was having difficulty eating, I rallied my energy and idk will-power and cut minute bits of veg and fed her by hand and then gave her some oatflakes which she ate w/o help, but this morning I was so sluggish and yeah so drained of any emotional energy that I was in give-up mode. I didn't even get up till I was too late for my occup. T appt.

I've been trying to write to FOO about a couple of semi-urgent things for a few days now but I'm not managing. Today while sleeping between vet appointments my dreams were pretty active. It turned out some FOO mbrs and I met up. My little niece/god-daughter was one of them but I just saw her, interaction with her didn't seem possible, which I was sad about. Instead I was interacting with a little boy who could have symbolised my nephew when he was much smaller I suppose.

In the past few days I have been doing a lot of cleaning, especially laundry like some rugs and my bedroom curtains which I probably hadn't washed since moving in here! While they were down, I washed my windows and frames and got into cobwebby corners etc. It looks and feels much better. Other laundry done and hung out to dry - dried in just a couple of hours which is a lovely advantage during a heat wave. 

[Blueberry]

After my psychotherapy (as opposed to occupational therapy) this morning, I'm not sure this T is a good fit. There are practical ways in which she is, e.g. she's very close by, there's no waiting time (which could actually be a slightly bad sign), she knows the inpatient therapist I had and would go back to if I needed another inpatient stay, which is likely, and she has already been communicating with her about me. They could work together.

But. I'm trying to work out what went wrong. Today she asked too many questions, she suggested too often that I ask Parts this or that or that I tell them this or that. It was far too much. The questions were too frequent, felt almost like rapid-fire. And it was driving at least part of me up the wall that she was just sitting there with a smiling, blank face. I didn't tell her that quite literally but sort of. Then I was to tell her what about her shows me that she is well-disposed towards me and also what about her shows me she's not well-disposed towards me. For the latter I said there's nothing, I'm triggered, it's going on inside my head. But as I write that I realise a) it's not totally true and b) we needed to have my Parts safer before she started working with and on me.

The underlying problem behind: it's not totally true and we needed to have my Parts safer before she started working with and on me is that her questions, based on logic, are severely triggering because of the way FOO interrogated. Also because - as with FOO - one answer wasn't enough. That would lead to another question with a hint - or in the case of FOO an accusation - that my response wasn't logical. Obviously at least one Part, probably far more, are triggered. So new T said she thought the session went well today because she now understands more why I came in so badly triggered in my first appt that I wanted to give everything up. As I write this, it sounds as if it's all about her. She understands but I got triggered and although I told her part way through that it was too much, she questioned that a little bit in the sense that I was to feel into Parts and idk any more - tell them the truth of today or something like that - and then she went back to her questioning. She didn't actually really hear until I stood up, moved away from my chair, spoke more loudly and gesticulated. "Good that you told me now" she said. Though I had already told her early on in today's appointment that, among other things, I keep answering questions, even when they are too much for me. I may or may not have said that that goes back to FOO's treatment of me. She did ask whether I don't have an pre-arranged signal to show that things are too much for me, if not I needed to come up with one, there and then. I said it was never necessary in this year's inpatient stay, nor was it necessary with my not-quite-previous outpatient therapist. The crux of the matter - she's not reading my non-verbal clues. Other Ts manage(d). This is really not the person for me.

This means trying the next nearest reachable outpatient Ts who are 1 1/4 hour train ride away, like not-quite-previous outpatient T, who can see me 3 times/quarter till I have a new T. There is no one closer, but going to a T who is not compatible as a person will backfire. I have experience of that unfortunately. She's working on my problems already, delving deeper but we haven't properly established a working relationship yet. She sees that as my issue somehow - the inpatient T told her I'm hesitant to trust at the beginning, which makes sense based on my FOO history said the T today. Little does she know that my continued hesistancy has a lot to do with Ts who have gone way over my boundaries in the past, not accepted my 'No!', 'Stop!' By the end of this last inpatient stay, I felt ready to trust somebody new again because I'd noticed that more Ts could work effectively and respectfully with me than not-quite-previous outpatient T. But that doesn't mean I'm going to trust everybody!

Good that I wrote on here because now I've got it sorted out for myself. Much as I'd wanted this to work, if it's not working after the third time and she's not hearing me, it doesn't sound good. I at least need to tell her I want to try out some others and then choose.

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
I read this, and think you've really thought carefully about your experience with those therapists, and your wishes, and I applaud the fact that you are considering what you want in all of this.   



Hope 

[Blueberry]

Thank you Hope 

I note how difficult it is to write to trial T and say "I don't think this is going to work". I certainly need a break so she knows not to officially apply to do long-term therapy with me which she would have to do by the fifth appt. But I don't really believe that a break and discussions with not-quite-previous T as well as with my long-term GP will help with anything but confirming my opinion that this isn't going to work. Still, it will be helpful for me to speak to both of them - to confirm if nothing else. My inpatient T said how important it is for me to take my feelings and impressions seriously, and also to take the feelings and impressions of my inner Parts seriously. FOO didn't and doesn't take my pain and anger and even my diagnosis seriously, so all the more important that I do! And say to my Parts: "I hear you." So here too: take my intuition seriously. I have had way too many bad experiences with Ts, experiences that have thrown me backwards. Often those Ts, or colleagues of those Ts, have tried to blame me, saying that I expect too much from them and things like that. Once bitten, twice shy. I've been 'bitten' more than once though by Ts so no surprise that I'm pretty careful and hesitant.

I think I 'need' to do this, but maybe I simply need a little more time, even just a day? There's so much going on that yesterday I couldn't even answer a friend's invitation to tea and playing games on Sat. afternoon, but now I have. I have accepted the invitation. 

There are still bills to write. Yesterday and the day before FurBaby wasn't eating properly. A friend and student helped me force-feed yesterday and at my request took FurBaby home to take over force-feeding for a day or two. I have a feeling I've already written this but can't see where - so yeah I'm a little confused.

There's still a letter to write to LL to correct something he mis-read / mis-understood in the missive I sent him. It's important because it concerns the rental contract and a change he thinks I suggested and he has now agreed to, but I didn't actually suggest what he has agreed to. I wrote correctly, he mis-understood. Grr.

Then something to FOO as well that I've been putting off for over a month - probably because it's a combination of really difficult + mostly useless.

Today I taught 2 students but otherwise spent a lot of time eating less healthy things and pulling my hair out, also doing sudoku and crosswords, which is better than eating etc.

On the plus side, a bike mechanic repaired my bike in record time. He wasn't sure if he would even manage this week, but he phoned today and it was done! He had to replace a part that isn't manufactured any more, though he could have ordered something similar, though less good for my particular bike, which would have cost €200. Instead, he had one of the parts that is no longer manufactured hanging around in his supplies and charged a double-figure amount, which is a huge relief for me. I am grateful that there are small, independent bike shops that have that kind of mindset.

[CactusFlower]

gentle hugs, Blueberry. congrats of your luck with the mechanic and here's hoping you have a good time on Saturday. Also hoping your other items become less frustrating for you.

[Blueberry]

Thank you CF. btw do you want to be called Sage or CF (short or long form)?

I have now written to the trial T and came to the conclusion during writing that it is not going to work. Some people (including the T) might say I 'should' be open to discussing and trying to find a compromise with her and a solution. But. I have way too much experience with Ts who didn't have the necessary experience to work with me. Or where it didn't 'click' for some reason. But it needs to. I would say for fairly obvious reasons I can't teach her to be different, especially since quite a number of Parts were in difficulties last appointment, such that I'm not even sure how much of the time I was in my present-day Adult but T didn't notice that apparently or maybe didn't think it mattered??

She just seemed intent on getting factual information on various topics - just according to where the conversation led, so that there was never any kind of end and I'm left to question why some of these facts were so important to her this early on It was as if she didn't have a plan. She also sounded offended, hurt even that one of my Parts questioned something that made her think I don't think that she likes her job. Yeah, this Part in me was worried that T would find me troublesome or a pain-in-the-neck or something along those lines. So something is going wrong if T interprets that as Adult me thinking she doesn't like her job!

[rainydiary]

I resonate with this process of considering if I want to continue working with a professional.  I hope that you find a working relationship that is supportive to you.

[Blueberry]

Thank you rainydiary. At least I have ditched the working relationship that is not supportive! That's a step. The T emailed back this morning accepting that it's not a good fit. I haven't yet had the wherewithal to contact other ones in the town where my T of the past 5 years is. Just  to self for ditching the non-supportive one and accepting myself for needing a little break - maybe just a day or two - before I start looking again.

[sanmagic7]

reading about this T, her methods, her questions of you, especially those pertaining to how you feel about you seems way way off to me.  good for you for ending this relationship.  i could feel all the triggers as you wrote about them.

good luck w/ finding someone who is more compatible.  and i wholly agree about the break, blueberry.    for all you've done and for taking a well-deserved break.  love and hugs

[CactusFlower]

Good move on removing what isn't good for you! enjoy the downtime and good luck in your new search! gentle hugs