Accepting Myself

[Blueberry]

Thank you, CactusFlower. I guess I'm enjoying the downtime to the extent that I'm not doing anything, just lying around reading and dozing.

I suppose it's another EF - LL stuff, FOO stuff. Talked some about FOO stuff yesterday with a friend, but I ended the discussion when I realised I was starting to think and talk in circles. On top of that one of my FurBabies is dying. Friends have been looking after her since Wednesday because I'm not good at force-feeding but she still doesn't want to eat much so I will have to let her go. Vet's tomorrow.

At least I have a doc appt this coming week- my old GP who knows me really well. Also an appt with Tenant Right's.

[sanmagic7]

so sorry about your furbaby, blueberry.  you do such a good job with them, even when you aren't able to manage the work needed for them - you always manage to find a safe haven for them. 

and, yeah, you've had so much going on lately.  i do hope you can take care of yourself, give yourself a break as best you can.  you're welcome to join me on the porch, if it'll help.   love and hugs

[CactusFlower]

Hugs, Blueberry. It's hard to lose a furbaby no matter what. Gentle hugs and I grieve with you.

[Blueberry]

Thank you san and CactusFlower. I feel sad. But I will see her tomorrow at the vet's before she 'goes'. Though part of me wishes she'd go on her own in the night. I wouldn't see her, but even when I pretty much know it's the right decision for one of my furbabies, I still don't like that final moment. Especially if the little sweetheart chooses that moment to start 'talking' to me.

[rainydiary]

I am thinking of you Blueberry.

[Blueberry]

Thank you rainy.

I let my furbaby go. Though the vet did a thorough examination first so she and I knew both what was what. The vet recommended I let her go but that was my thought and wish for my furbaby too. Now I'm crying, which is good too. But I also feel something else - like there's even less reason to keep going now. Not that I'm going to do anything to myself, but it's just hard atm. I even feel too weak to dig a hole in the garden and am going to have to ask someone else.

[sanmagic7]

dear blueberry, i know that feeling all too well, and i'm sorry it's hitting you.  it's a terrible feeling.  sitting alongside you as you go thru this.  i hope you can take the time you need. love and hugs 

[CactusFlower]

Hugs, dear Blueberry. Of course it's hard, we love them so much. At least someone who truly cared was with them. Giving you gentle support and energy as you work through this at your own pace.

[Hope67]

Dear Blueberry,
I'm also sending you a hug at this time -   
Hope 

[Blueberry]

Thank you san, CactusFlower and Hope.

I've been running away from my feelings again. The husband of a friend came and dug a hole, which is no small task because in this garden/yard all sorts of who-knows-what is buried beneath the surface. Very grateful friend's husband was able and willing to come and do it. He managed in 20 mins, for me it would have taken a few hours - on and off.

I always have trouble seeing my little pet in my mind's eye but in reality she's gone and I won't see her in the real anymore.

____________
Today I was able to remind myself that it's just part of me, a Part in fact, who wants to give up. For whatever reason, this particular Part is in the lead atm (shouldn't be really, but I'm accepting for the moment that my Adult of today is not managing to be in charge). Partly I guess I'd been hoping so much to make progress managing my Parts in psychotherapy and now I need to start looking for a T again. The heatwave isn't helping though of course it's just temporary

[rainydiary]

I am thinking of you Blueberry and hope you find ease in the coming days.

[Blueberry]

Thank you rainy.   I'm reminding myself that this too shall pass.

[Blueberry]

I've decided to write because it often brings me relief.

Officially of tomorrow it's school holidays here but I have a bunch of mostly adult students who want/need to come so I say 'great! Come!" because that way I earn some money and have something actually planned. But atm I feel like collapsing again and it's really hard for me to teach in this state. All the other stuff is hard too: sorting and filing papers, basic housework, showering - simply existing. I feel as if I don't even 'survive' long until I come clattering down needing help somewhere (never mind 'thriving'). Have things planned but don't do them. This time last year I went on a little holiday, can't imagine it this year. But it would be good to head to a little lake or even outdoor pool - but no go.

Last night I dreamt the garden was churned up and other plants were put in by LL and some landscaping company. I was more bemused than upset during the dream, so that's a good space to get to I guess.

LL doesn't seem to be moving on things he's threatened like getting a janitorial service. I suppose he'll just dump it on us some time but the longer he waits, the better and cheaper for me especially since my apt rent is going up significantly. 

[Blueberry]

I suppose it's another EF - LL stuff, FOO stuff. Talked some about FOO stuff yesterday with a friend, but I ended the discussion when I realised I was starting to think and talk in circles.

It was maybe a bad idea to talk about that FOO stuff a few days ago. This friend asked if I wanted her view based on her own FOO where her sibs are all way beyond her in terms of earning/income. She says that it's only fair to divide the money up equally around all sibs, even if they are way beyond her in income power. I guess for me the points are: I have no idea if things are being divided up equally at all because my parents won't give me this information and they keep finding ways to indicate they don't have enough money to help me while by their actions they show they have more than enough to shower money on my sibs which my sibs don't even need. Like additional holidays. Whereas I'm wondering where the rent is going to come from at some time, not to mention the heating.

The friend says it sounds as if my parents are happy spending time with my sibs and their families and not so happy spending time with me so no wonder more money goes to sibs. An interesting take on it. But I know better. My sibs don't want to go at all that's why my parents pay everything for them. My parents would love to see me again, they think, not realising who I really am and not especially caring that who I am disappears in their presence and goes home in a terrible state. My docs would all have something to say if I took up any form of contact beyond what I have with FOO!

Just writing, not asking for a solution. Solutions are harder to come by when you haven't sorted out your Parts. Ideally spend a little more time where I'm living and try and move when things are more settled. Today I feel like giving up my business because everything's so hard. But I know that in my case that's going to become a long slide into the poverty and income-less, unemployable trap.

[Blueberry]

Solutions are even harder to come by when you're actually sick, which I now am. Corona test is negative, so far anyway. It feels like tonsillitis which I tend to get when everything is too much. So I'm off back to bed and will be back on again in a week or two. Tonsillitis usually takes 2 weeks to clear up.