Rainy Journal 2022

[Blueberry]

  Much strength to you rainy.

[rainydiary]

Thank you, Blueberry.  They are gone (for) now. 
...........
I am having trouble falling asleep as my mind is revealing a lot about the past that I didn't realize I was holding onto.

Today I tried to consider again the message(s) my shoulder is trying to tell me.

At a first a big message came up - I am holding on and it is time to let go.  Of what I am not completely sure.

As I try to fall asleep, my brain is considering that question.  I am beginning to see all of the things I tried to be or tried to do to make up for being "wrong" in the eyes of my parents.  I have held so many roles and tried to be what I am not.  I think that may be some of what I can let go.

I have had a few memories that surprised me.  One was when I started swim team.  My parents were always pushing me into sports and to be outdoors which was against my nature (I think this explains some self-loathing I am experiencing as I am staying in a lot right now).  I did mostly like swim team although it eventually became another avenue for my family's abuse dynamics.

I am a bit foggy in my memory, but I think I was progressing and the coach wanted me to join a more challenging practice.  These practices were early in the morning.  I must not have eaten breakfast before I would go.  I used to not like eating when I first woke up.  I actually think I have a lot more going on with food than I realized which I will think on later.

Anyways, I wasn't feeling well at these practices and I actually did tell my coach.  She was understanding and told me to make sure I ate before I came to practice.  Such a common sense thing.

I don't have a lot of positive memories of sharing a problem with an adult so this is a cool thing to remember.

It also unlocked all these memories of preparing my own breakfast at an age that seemed too young.  My mom has never been a morning person and I know she was often up late caring for us.  My dad left for work early.  So we (my siblings and I) were on our own early on to make breakfast.  I think that may be some of why it was so hard for me to eat breakfast for so long - I didn't have role models or support for getting the day started off in a good way. 

Other things are coming up too, I hope they will rest for a bit so I can fall asleep. 

[sanmagic7]

rainy, those messages about being 'wrong' sound like great things to let go.  i'm not outdoors-y, either, except for walks in nature, but sports?  nah, never been my thing.  i also stay in a lot and it feels ok to me. i do hope you can 'let go' of those horrible messages you received.  one other thought on your right shoulder - maybe that would be the arm you'd use to protect yourself against a barrage of abuse (metaphorically speaking).  i don't know, just a thought.

i say this because both my shoulders are up, tense, and forward and i've been made fun of about this since i was young.  in the past few years i've come to think of this stance as a protective one i've embraced, protecting me from criticism.  one more trauma wound.  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

San, I appreciate your words about shoulders.  I am right handed and think this side "protects" me or has tried to.  I think my shoulders are also just the shape and position they are and I am tired of other people commenting on that - our bodies are all different and it isn't necessarily bad.  I do think I carry wounds and hope to focus on easing that, not making my body "right."
..........
My posts of late have all been very different.

I am feeling anxious as tomorrow I am going to see if I can finally get license plates for my car.

I have been stuck in bureaucratic mess for 5 months.  I am anxious about going because if the the documentation I now have isn't what this state needs, I really don't know what else to do.  I have been pushed back and forth between people trying to sort this out and do not want to face "rejection" again tomorrow.

I am trying to remind myself that I shouldn't know how to navigate different state's rules about titling and licensing a car.  I haven't done anything wrong. 

The past few days I have really felt how much anxiety and at times depression I carry around.  It upsets me as I am working so hard to heal and to continue to feel these things so much is upsetting.  And also I am not acknowledging that I have had a lot of change the past several months and that is a lot to manage on its own.

Today was a rather enjoyable day - my husband and I visited somewhere new to us and saw a cool waterfall.  I am trying to feel relaxed in the day but am not succeeding.

[sanmagic7]

best to you w/ getting those lic. plates, rainy.  the rules and regs. from state to state are often different in many registration type things.  i had to retake the entire test (written and practical) just so i could be a hairdresser when i moved to a different state.  ugh!  so with you on this.  and very sorry you're still carrying around so much anxiety and depression.  it sucks.  love and hugs

[CactusFlower]

Gentle hugs and wishing you the best, rainy. I sympathize with the frustration of figuring out a whole new state's requirements.

[Larry]

Hi Rainy,   i hope you have a great day tomorrow,    always thinking of you....

[Armee]

You've gone through a lot of difficult change Rainy. It's hard to beat anxiety and depression without having a bit of breathing room. I'll keep my fingers crossed that this summer gives you a bit to get your feet under you.

And yeah I relate to the shoulder tension and being teased or given a hard time. I stopped getting massages or manicures because when I would they'd keep telling me to relax or even hit my arms to get my wrist to relax.

[paul72]

hi rainy

I hope you are having a great weekend and that summer break is starting to bring some calmness for you.
I hope you don't mind if I add something to the shoulder tension discussion. (please ignore if not helpful)
My shoulders are always the first sign to me that I'm heading into an EF.
They curl in..and the pain from the tightness likely contributes to my aggravation at the time.
To me I feel like it's a defensive position. I can pretty much pinpoint the time I needed to be in that position and it matches how I end up reacting.
They're like that now tbh... I have to catch it and correct it (slowly getting easier) to stop the EF from happening.
I'm sorry that people have made hurtful comments... like it isn't hard enough on its own
Anyway... please ignore if not relevant

Sending supportive hugs if you'd like

[rainydiary]

San, I appreciate your understanding about switching state to state.  I realize most folks don't even have to think on this.  It always works out but navigating all of this is so exhausting.
.....
CF, thank you - I appreciate what you share about navigating systems.  I understand why these things are in place up to a point.  This is making me reflect on how confused people I work with may be in navigating the systems in which I work. 
.....
Armee, I appreciate the reflection that a lot has happened.  I am getting to a point where I'm not sure I want to do massages like I have been because I don't need comments about my body.  All of our bodies are so different and there is such variation. 
.....
Larry, I appreciate you.
.....
Phil, thank you for that reflection.  I do think this shoulder thing is a message that I haven't figured out yet.  I appreciate what you shared, it is helpful.
.........
I was so pleased to have so many messages here when I logged in.  I am in a relatively mellow place right now. 

I was able to get license plates which is such a relief.  My windshield is still cracked and there still isn't a replacement, but hopefully that will resolve soon.

My shoulder continues to bother me.  Things I've been noticing: when I am outside and busy I don't notice it.  I don't know if it just isn't tense then or my mind is otherwise occupied. 

I have also noticed how harsh I can be to my body.  I recently had the memory of a swim coach telling me my strokes looked robotic.  I think that I have always tried so hard to force my body to do things and have struggled with easeful movement.  That may be a contributor to my shoulder.

Even when I do yoga I notice how I really crank my body.  For instance, doing a shoulder roll.  I don't do it easy, I force my bones and muscles and have this thought of "LET GO, RELAX." 

Since noticing this I've tried to be easier on myself.  It is tough to change that habit and I didn't even realize I was doing that.

I am also noticing that some of the overwhelm of anxiety and depression is related to our apartment.  It is so loud.  I feel guilty because we live in a desirable area and are very fortunate for the resources we have.  But the apartment and location are so full of competing noises that my nervous system cannot rest fully.

The appliances are noisy, our apartment building is on a busy road where people like to drive their cars fast, and there is a train that goes by regularly.  I can also hear dogs barking and kids crying through the walls which distresses me.

I also don't have a space that is just mine that I can go to for quiet.  So when I am feeling overwhelmed by the sound, I can't "escape" to my place. 

We are hoping to find a house at some point.  For now I try to cope with noise cancelling headphones and going into the bedroom which is the quietest room. 

Tomorrow we are taking a day trip to a national park so hopefully that is fun.

[Armee]

I'm so glad the license plates finally worked out.

It's hard to feel relaxed and fluid in our bodies when we are still healing.

Enjoy the national park. I love our national parks in the US. They are amazing.

[CactusFlower]

Rainy-congrats on the plates and I hope you find the park relaxing today!

To maybe reassure you about the windshield, it's not just your area. My brother had to replaced a cracked windshield earlier this year and the supply chain problems meant he waited almost 3 weeks for a relatively popular car that's normally easy to find. Hoping yours comes in soon!
gentle hugs

[Not Alone]

The time with your in-laws sounds like a nightmare, a nightmare not with zombies, but with a bunch of people with personalitiy disorders. Yuck! You did a lot of inner work, trying to understand the dynamics (very complex with in-laws, your husband, you and your FOO). I think you did a great job of making healthy decisions. I do hear how incredibly difficult that time was.

I'm going to PM you about your shoulder.

[sanmagic7]

congrats on getting those plates, rainy. 

i think your body awareness is HUGE!  i find it amazing at times how i do/say things for myself and have done so for years w/o being aware of it.  awareness is the first step - can't do anything about anything if we don't know it's there to do something about.  keep up the good work, ok?  and i'm sorry about the whole apt. mess.  hopefully you'll get out of there sooner rather than later.  best of luck w/ it.  love and hugs

[Larry]