Rainy Journal 2022

[rainydiary]

San, thank you for validating that point as it is important.  I actually think this explains a lot of other situations I've experienced.  It is amazing to have this given how worthless my parents painted me. 
......
Armee, thank you, I appreciate the support as it is getting real.
..........
Yesterday I felt so unwell which I know is somewhat because my in-laws were coming.  I hate how closed in their presence makes me feel.  I was worried I had COVID but a rapid test indicated most likely not (part of me was hoping I could just call in sick for this week). 

A lot of upset I've carried inside about my husband came up and we actually had a good conversation.  I was surprised that when I told him how hurt I was by the time after his brother died he was more understanding than he would have been in the past.  I think that I have held on to an image of him that may not be accurate.  He mentioned to me that we can talk more about difficult things. 

His parents are now here and he is already jumping through hoops.  Something in their AirBnB isn't working right for beds so he took over some of our cots for them.  I am annoyed because I don't like letting them borrow our things because they aren't respectful of our things and for me this is just part of the dynamic.  A lot of people would offer support when someone is visiting from out of town........but again I can't separate this from their manipulation. 

My husband has spent a lot of time making plans for them.  I don't understand why he does this as it is their trip.  I think their inability to make decisions bugs him.  I tried to tell my husband it bothers me when he does this as I can see how hard he works to make everyone happy and it doesn't work.  He said he likes doing this - I don't buy that really.  I think all the planning is his way of coping with their presence. 

I intend to visit a zoo near our home with them tomorrow and that will probably do me in.  At least the zoo is close to our home and I could walk home/leave when I need to.  I already know this zoo trip will annoy me as the focus will be on my SIL's child.  She will have 6 adults, 5 of whom hover and helicopter and contradict each other all doing things for her.  I hate that I can't stand being around this child as it isn't her fault, but the dynamics present are so gross to me.  It is so gross and I grieve for this child. 

I try to see time with them as a performance.  That helps me manage all the emotions that come up in their presence. 

[Armee]

That's really encouraging that you and H could have such an honest conversation even at a time when the in laws are coming and putting stress and triggers on you both.

[CactusFlower]

I agree, rainy, it sounds like he wants to try improving communication. Of course, I don't know his mind, but you're getting "you do all this work and they don't appreciate it" vibes from him and he says it's fine, maybe he's not ready to see or admit that it bothers him? Just a thought.

Gentle hugs if you want them and I hope the zoo visit passes with as little drama as possible.

[rainydiary]

Armee, I appreciate your support.  It is a cool thing and a reminder I am not always right in my perception. 
.....
CF, I agree he isn't quite ready to say it bothers him.  Actually he has said it does in some situations but I don't think he has admitted or accepted how messed up this all this.  Admitting your family sucks and accepting it are really hard things to do. 
.........
Well I am currently waiting outside their AirBnB.  We are ready at the agreed upon time and they are not.  I had forgotten about this lack of consideration for other people's time. 

It isn't actually about consideration of time but a way of playing games to manipulate each other.  It is boiling my blood.  I always debate whether to express my frustration to my husband because this is the kind of stuff that gets between us when they are here.  I did opt to say I was frustrated and will leave it at that with him. 

My parents in law just came out and spoke to me and I think I was nice enough.

[Armee]

I'm glad you see the manipulation for what it is, instead of getting upset with yourself for being bothered by something that strangers might view as  small. It's not ok when it is part of a pattern designed to manipulate.

[rainydiary]

Armee, thank you.  I am still in the midst of this and will write more below.
.........
Today started off weird in that I went to a local gym with my husband and someone tried to break my lock in the locker room.  They tried to cut it and they damaged it so badly trying to twist or pull it off somehow that I can't use the lock.  Thankfully the lock withstood their attempts and my stuff was safe - someone else in the locker room had their stuff stolen.  We have met many people in this area that have had things stolen, so it happens and this is just another layer to consider.

The zoo was fun in part yesterday because I saw some animals I hadn't seen previously and some of the ones I have seen were in a different part of their routine. 

The zoo was difficult because watching my in-laws is so depressing.  I don't even know how to put into words what it was like. 

My SIL's child is now 4 years old.  The child refuses to walk on her own and insists on my SIL carrying her.  And if she doesn't get her way, giant meltdowns to get her way.  My parents in law and BIL will stand there while this happening.  This kind of stuff happened last year when we were on a different trip so it obviously hasn't changed and it's less and less cool the older the child gets. 

A lot of the issue is just the giant lack of boundaries and enmeshment that is currently being guided at the whims of the child.  They are planning everything around her.  There are more age appropriate ways to involve a child in decision making.  Which these folks aren't capable of doing.

It pains me to see this all.  I keep my distance.  I haven't done anything with them since because they don't make concrete plans and I can't function with the way they do things.

I forgot a dynamic that almost always comes up on these visits in my list the other day.  Usually there is something that happens that causes my husband to leave and come home in a huff.  This happened tonight. 

Like 2 hours ago he told me they were getting dinner.  I wasn't expecting him back for a while.  Then he comes home about half and hour ago and said he hasn't eaten because they are waiting for the 4 year to decide that it is time for dinner.  He was really upset with this and with the way they are all acting. 

This is when it gets hard for me.  He is almost always triggered by his family and I get overeager and try to do the emotional work of this for him.  I also will get so thrilled that maybe "he'll see things my way" which isn't even realistic. 

In the past he usually gets guilted back into spending time with them (their trips are always so long - I think they are here until Tuesday).  It also depends on the combination of people.  When it is just him and his parents this usually doesn't happen.  His parents are very crafty at the game they play - they somehow walk out of this bearing no responsibility for their lack of parenting. 

It just makes me sick to my stomach.  The unhappiness of all these people makes me so sad and I am trying to protect myself from it.  It is also hard because if I am deeply honest with myself this all bugs me so much because similar dynamics are present in my own family, just expressed and carried out differently. 

I won't really be easy until they leave.  So I will do my best the next few days to take care.

[sanmagic7]

hangin' tough right beside you, rainy.   love and hugs

[Blueberry]

I hear you, rainy. 

[rainydiary]

I appreciate your support and care San & Blueberry. 
........
I had trouble sleeping last night.

I am noticing that in the presence of my in-laws my Inner Critic as well as Outer Critic really pick up. 

I feel so lousy about myself.

Right now I am blaming myself for all these fights and dynamics.

Thoughts like, "I should just keep my mouth shut.  My husband fighting with his family is because of me.  I'm no better than they are."

Something that was eating at me last night - my husband told me his family planned to take a ferry to a nearby island and also go to a baseball game last night.  Immediately I started pointing out how tight of a timeline that would be.  That comes from a place of how I would approach using my time, not them.

Something I know but cannot hold onto is that most of what they say is BS and will not happen.  They were never going to go to a baseball game.  So there isn't any sense in me expending energy on it.  But I do because I am so stressed.

[Blueberry]

Oh rainy, I'm sending 

I know you know this somewhere, but those fights and dynamics aren't to do with you. They're all mixed up in your IL's family dynamic. I would get totally stressed with timelines like with the baseball game and then realising afterwards that it wasn't even going to happen. It just sounds so pointless! 

I wish I could rid you of that feeling of lousiness. You're not lousy. I guess I'm not either. So writing to you is even helping me

[rainydiary]

Blueberry, I appreciate your support and comfort.  My feelings shifted over the day although we will see as I prepare for bed.
........
My husband did not spend the day with his family.  They are going back to their home tomorrow (or are scheduled to).  I think I misunderstood how long they were going to be here.

Something that has been eating at me today is that I went for a walk and posted some photos from my walk on social media.  My MIL and FIL typically "like" almost everything I post.  I honestly hate that they do this but it is the only "relationship" we have really.  Today my FIL liked my post, but my MIL didn't.  This felt significant as it isn't like her.

All day I have worried about her blaming me for my husband leaving yesterday and not seeing them today.  In the past she has made comments to me - once she told me I ruined her Christmas and once at a family party she made she these gestures and faces at me.

This only worries me because they are all going to breakfast tomorrow and I feel like I should go too.  I worry she will take a dig at me.  Part of me wants her to and wants her to move her nastiness into the open....but I know she wouldn't do it unless we were alone which is never going to happen. 

Today was also hard because my husband was clearly upset.  He doesn't talk about things the way I do.  He seemed like he needed space so I didn't try to bring things up. 

Beyond that drama, I have been really upset about my right shoulder.  It carries a ton of tension and nothing I do helps.  It is making me so mad and frustrated.  I think some of the tension is psychological and it is hard to get people to understand that.  But also, having so many massage therapists over the years say something like "that shoulder is messed up" have not helped.  I have memories of being yanked by this arm by my father as well as at other times and I have wondered if that is part of it.  But I wish I wouldn't worry so much about it. 

[CactusFlower]

Gentle hugs, rainy.    Sorry you have to deal with all this drama. I'm reading this in the morning, so if you did go to breakfast with them, I hope it's as drama-free as possible. I would also have thought that there's a psychological component to the shoulder pain if that's the one that was hurt back then. It's too bad that it's hard to search for massage therapists who might be trauma-informed or do somatic therapy. Maybe your therapist can recommend someone? fingers crossed for you.

[sanmagic7]

 

i have experience w/ the whole 'i'm going to do this and this and this' and i get ready to deal w/ it or excited about it and it doesn't happen.  somehow i would always feel deflated afterward.  very sorry you've had to go thru this.  here's hoping you can get some kind of normalcy back when they leave.  love and hugs

[Hope67]

Hi Rainydiary,
I have been thinking about you quite a bit during moments in the day, and hoping that you cope ok with whatever comes your way.  There are many things that I relate to in what you write about the interactions you experience with your in-laws.  I experienced those kind of feelings when interacting with my own family of origin and felt that I needed to protect both myself and my partner from those things - I was able to distance myself, but I realise it's not always possible to necessarily do that. 

Anyway, I just wanted to say that I hope that you're ok, and I wanted to send you a hug of support and caring 

Hope 

[rainydiary]

CF, thank you.  I had a massage therapist in my old home that was really trauma informed as she had experienced trauma too - thank you for pointing that out.  I may need to switch to a new person at some point.  I will share an update below about my in-laws as it is still ongoing.
.....
San, I appreciate your reflection as it does take a lot of effort for me to plan my energy and these folks always manage to deflate it.  I appreciate your support.
.....
Hope, thank you for checking in.  I appreciate your support.  It is so unfortunate that this is "normal" for folks - I am drained.
..........
Currently really upset. 

I overslept this morning and missed breakfast. 

So I agreed to having lunch. 

I forgot about the dynamics of the last day they are together.

My in-laws will drag this day out. 

My husband has spent the morning with some of them - if it is just his parents, he is lulled back in.  This is what they do.

Apparently they are walking to our apartment currently.  I do not want them in my home.  I never do.  My husband and I haven't talked about that though. 

They always do this.  And I forget until it happens again.

I am so disgusted right now.