Hope's Journal: 2022

[dollyvee]

Hi Hope,

Just wanted to say that I like your vision of being on a sunny rooftop and being able to see far and wide. It does sound a little isolating and maybe that's something that helps you feel safe which isn't necessarily bad. It's also interesting that in Dzogchen there is a practice called skygazing which helps you connect to something larger than you. You become limitless (the nature of mind) when you are the sky and maybe the way down is just an illusion?

I also remember reading in Jay Earley's book about procrastination and when you find yourself not being able to do the exercises in the book, to do an IFS on why you couldn't complete them and what comes up when you try to. If you feel stuck maybe an IFS on why you're feeling stuck might be helpful.

Sending you support for the things you're having to deal with right now 
dolly

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic, thank you so much 

Hi Not Alone - thanks for reminding me of those things, because it helps me to think I had rights to say 'no' and that I shouldn't need to explain my reasons.   

Hi Dollyvee - That is very helpful - I will consider trying the IFS route to looking for reasons why I couldn't do it - infact there's a couple of things I could do with investigating in that way - I must try to remind myself to really 'do' this - rather than just think about it (again, that might be a stuck aspect too).  Interesting also to hear about the Sky gazing - I like that concept.   Thanks Dollyvee 

*********
23rd May 2022
I've been doing quite a lot of investigating online, looking at old photos of the 1970's and of school photos from schools I actually attended in those years and trying to find old pupils from those times - I noticed there were reunions at some of the schools but not in the years that I attended, so I didn't recognise any names at all.  But just seeing photos of the uniforms, the children, how old they were and how old they looked at those times made me realise that my memories of those years of my life are different - i.e. I wasn't aware of how young I actually was.  What the concept of being a particular age is. 

I also looked at other photos from the 1970's, things like toys, and foods and decor and wallpaper, and it was very stimulating for my mind.  I am sure it's evoked quite a lot of things.  It's like I'm processing things as a result of having done that.  Like it's a hook to hang a memory on, kind of thing.

I read an article today by Dr Arielle Schwartz about Interoception - I put a link to it in the 'articles' part of the forum.  I found it interesting, because I struggle very much with knowing how I'm feeling, and I struggle with sensing things like temperature and things like that.  But I have been trying to be more mindful and recognise different feelings and physical sensations.

I've just remembered that last night, I was in touch with some very dark feelings and thoughts, very much as if I was really in the depths of being bleakly down - but I am thankful that in the light of day, I was feeling more optimistic, and those heavy dark feelings weren't with me anymore.  But I felt in touch with a very dark and existential crisis kind of part of myself in the night. 

Wanted to write more, but can't think of anything more to say right now, so I'll stop.

Hope 

[Armee]

I like what you wrote about the rooftop, Hope. That is a good way for me to think about where I am right now. I feel like I've just sat down and stopped everything and now I'm just taking in the view and waiting for clarity. I like imagining I'm on that rooftop while I do that.

[sanmagic7]

hi hope,

being in the midst of a dark place w/in yourself can be frightening.  i'm glad you were able to be rid of it at the light of day.

i think looking into your past like that was quite courageous, especially for the memories it might bring up.   love and hugs, my dear

[dollyvee]

Hi Hope,

That's brave of you to go to those places especially when the nights can be difficult for you. Sometimes when I'm there I forget that Self is there too. I've been trying to remember Self sometimes when I'm feeling off or have anxiety about something but it's not easy.

Sending you support 
dolly

[Hope67]

Hi Armee SanMagic and Dollyvee

Thanks so much for what you said  - I appreciate all your support.  It means a lot. 

**********
4th June 2022
It is a while since I was able to come here to write anything - I have been coming here to read things that people have been writing, and I felt connected to the forum in that way.  But somehow I was unable to write anything - so I waited till I was able to, and I've written some things today.   That feels ok.  I'm glad to be writing, as it does feel freeing to write.

I watched a film yesterday which was very triggering, it was 'Cider House Rules' and I've never seen that film, nor realised the subject content of the book or film - but it was a powerful film, and triggered me in many ways.  There were many themes in there - I think I managed to stay with the film, and it actually helped me to process some things in different ways.  I think it's progress that I was able to stay with the themes, and not dissociate - I am sure I did dissociate though, but I felt like I was 'there' more than being somewhere else.  It was a really well acted film - Michael Caine was in it, and it was back in the 1990's I think that it was made.  So seeing some actors when they were younger, that was interesting too.  Charlise Theron was there as a young woman.

As I sit here, wondering what I am going to write, I am aware that I've felt annoyed at myself (that's weird, because I didn't have a thought then, and ended up typing 'annoyed at myself' without really knowing why I wrote it).  Perhaps I should try out what I used to do here - writing more uncensored, seeing what comes up.

I'll try it:
Ridiculous. 

Why don't you write about what you really feel? 
Because it's painful, because it's upsetting

(I feel a constriction in my throat)

I feel the tears that want to come.  They feel heavy, but they don't fall.

(My stomach hurts now)

Now I feel just far away.  Like I'm not really here.

********
Oh well, now I just feel a bit dizzy.

I'm ok though.  It was interesting to try that, but not really much came up.  Except I am clearly holding some emotions beneath the physical feelings - I realise that.  Maybe I might try writing some poetry or a 'letter to' again - to see if that will help loosen me up to express things. 

Hope 

[dollyvee]

Hi Hope,

Thanks for sharing what came up for you. I heard what you were saying and it is difficult to talk about this stuff. Maybe there is a part that is protecting you from those feelings coming up by dissociating? When I realized it was happening to me once, I asked that part to come forward and we had a chat. It was good to meet her.

Thanks for your recommendation about the Cider House Rules. I watched it a long time ago but may have to watch it again. I've been watching a few things that I really like right now. Hacks is funny but I like how flawed the main characters are they're allowed to be that way. They can fail and nothing "bad" happens to them like I've always feared. Gaslit with Julia Roberts and Sean Penn is also really good. I can relate to that and how frustrated Toni Colette is in The Staircase, doing everything for everybody.

Sending you support 
dolly

[Armee]

I just want to give you a safe virtual hug, Hope. When it's time you'll slowly be able to start writing more. 

[rainydiary]

Hi Hope, I appreciate you sharing as it resonates with things I've been experiencing of late in my journey.  I hope that you find ways to express or explore or notice what is supportive. 

[woodsgnome]

Hope ... maybe you're putting conditions on yourself, about expressing what can't be put into words? I know that feeling, as so often I've done the same sort of trying, but find I just can't.

Sure, some would want to label this as dissociation. Words again, yet perhaps dissociation is the signal that language will never come close to fulfilling the dire difficulty of letting those sorts of things that once dominated our every movement, thought, and we vowed never to have to go there again -- to the feelings (or non-feelings; numbness) that made us feel so creepy.

Dissociating isn't always a. problem. Perhaps the only option to not judge dissociation as a failure  is to acknowledge one's tears (inner and outer), even if they're unable to fully carry any of the hurt away. Tears might just teeter on the edge of coming, but even that closeness is a sign, one's way to express a secret grief that no amount of well-crafted words could ever express..

We've learned to be careful with speech, as no words have ever been able to feel whole; and we're always scared to share, as that used to lead to so much harsh judgement about us. So it's perhaps the tears (or even the near-tears) that provide the most honest form of expressing the ineffable. I've been there, too; felt on the verge of a flood that never quite emerged. Those tearing-up moments seem to take the place of outright speech. Far from dissociating, they're a message from the heart of our being. Sometimes it's all we have, yet it can be our most honest emotion.

Thank you for sharing whatever feels right.

 

[Hope67]

Hi Dollyvee - Thanks for what you wrote, and for sharing what you did when a part was protecting you via dissociation - it was good to hear that you were able to chat with that part, when you asked her about herself.  I tend to find that I am 'talking to' my parts, rather than hearing anything directly back from them - although I do hear their voices/thoughts/feelings.  But in terms of two-way interaction, it's not really something I've experienced yet.  (Although even as I say that, I can think of some instances where I did feel a two-way thing - so maybe I'm not correct in saying what I just said).  Anyway, I found it helpful in terms of what you said.  Thank you.   

Hi Armee - Thanks so much    I think the key thing that resonated to me, when I read what you wrote, is that aspect of "when it's time" - that's a theme I'm considering a lot at the moment - I might be able to write more about it - I hope so.   Thanks for the hug. 

Hi Rainydiary - I think that I am beginning to find ways to express and explore and notice what is supportive, and your writing those words was helpful - thank you.   

Hi Woodsgnome - I think you really pointed out something that rang very true for me - when you said "Maybe you're putting conditions on yourself, about expressing what can't be put into words" - this really resonates a lot.  I think it's true.  It lead me to think about times in the past - when I couldn't express any words about a particular subject without crying.  There weren't words to express it, just tears at the time.  I never knew quite why I was crying so much about it either, it didn't make sense - but it was raw emotion, and the words weren't with the emotion.

Woodsgnome, I also like what you said about dissociation.  "A secret grief that no amount of well-crafted words could ever express" - that is poignant, and expresses so much.  You have a way with words that is special and I appreciate you sharing your thoughts in such wise ways.

Tears are an honest emotion.  I like that too.  I shall welcome those feelings/thoughts/imagines - whatever comes into my realm of knowing, and will hope to treat it carefully and with empathy.

***********
13th June 2022
I read something that Rainydiary had written about difficulty in feeling like an adult, and I had tried to write something about it - I am going to copy and paste what I wrote here - because I want to see what it looks like in my diary, before possibly sharing it in the other part of the forum:

Being An Adult

"I relate very much to this issue, in terms of sometimes feeling as if I am a child, and not an adult.  This can happen in the forum, as well as in day to day interactions and relationships.  I can feel small and powerless, and I can feel as if others are discussing things rationally with their adult heads on, and I don't feel the same. 
When I think back to my childhood, I was literally the smallest being in the household – I used to sit on a tiny foot stool a lot of the time and everyone made decisions around me, as if I didn't really have any say in the matter.  Although they did claim to include me in decisions, but I didn't really think it through that they would be able to make the deciding action happen, as they could always outvote me, or talk me out of something.
I think that being dissociated might mean I've not been able to keep up with things that other adults might be interested in – for example I rarely paid attention to world events in my teens and twenties and even thirties.  I do pay more attention to those things now, and I am impacted by what is going on – realising how horrific some situations are currently, and wishing for world peace and harmony.  I do care about these things more now, whereas before maybe I was just distracted and unable to focus. 
I do many of the things that are adult things, but I suspect that never being a parent hasn't helped me to feel what it's like to be responsible for another person.  If I'd had children, I think I'd have faced many situations and would know how those things felt. 
Yet even as I consider these things, I wonder whether others feel 'adult-like' in their daily lives – maybe we all just feel quite young and vulnerable inside, and secretly hope that someone will come along and sort things out for us. 
I am mindful of the fact that I have been quite self-reliant whilst I was a child, and that inside my head at that age, I probably felt quite grown-up – as if I was a mini-adult then.  So essentially it's not really a difference for me now – I'm just someone with an older body, bigger now than I was then, and I'm still feeling pretty much the same.
So now I feel a bit confused about it.  But I was glad to think about this for a while today – and glad to have written something."

I think I'll leave that there, rather than write it in the other part of the forum - I feel a bit embarrassed now - not sure why.  But I do.

What other things do I want to write today?
I wanted to mention that I've had a couple of night terrors/incidents last week - but I wasn't aware of them until my partner told me about them - he said I'd said very clearly that I thought I was going to be killed by something, and that I'd responded by saying 'I don't want to die, please don't kill me' - it's interesting that when he tells me about those things, I 'try to remember' and at the same time, I feel distressed inside, but curious at the same time.  He said he thinks it's good that I clearly want to live, and that's a good sign of how I feel about live - I agree with that.

I used the 'dot-to'dot' activity a couple of times to calm myself - successfully - it is a way for me to process things at the same time as having a distracting thing - it really does enable me to process more things in my mind.  Maybe it's a bit like the two and fro of eye movement.  That kind of thing.

Emotionally - I would say I've been 'feeling' many more emotions and just allowing them to flow through my body.  I've felt some intense anger feelings, and I've felt some dread/terror feelings, but also some very nice feelings - warmth and enjoyment.  So I think that's been ok.

Hope 

[Hope67]

I wrote my bit about 'being an adult' also in the place where Rainydiary opened the thread - thankfully the embarrassment about it has dissipated already - so must have been a part who felt embarrassed at the time - but not enough to stop me from writing it or writing it where I wanted originally to put it.   

[Larry]

hi hope,    wishing you a great day. 

[rainydiary]

Hope, I appreciate you sharing as I felt really awkward for opening up that thread.  I've been avoiding the forum because I didn't want to see that thread.  I appreciate you sharing experience as it helps me. 

[dollyvee]

Hi Hope,

Thanks for sharing - it seemed like there was a real clarity and ease coming through for you and that's great to see 

I think I understand what you mean about speaking to parts and that sometimes it's like it's not real or authentic? I feel that way too sometimes and I wonder if there are other parts that then come in the way. In the Self Therapy book by Earley, he described six protectors that come up -- judgemental, avoiders, intellectualizers, impatient, inadequate, and skeptical parts. Those made a lot of sense to me and I could start to see how I was intellectualizing something or becoming impatient etc. and would ask them to unblend.  But also too, as if there is a mystery force that then gets in the way at times, or I never quite understand what's going on. Maybe that's a part too --that has to understand in order to feel safe.

What Woodsgnome mentioned about preverbal parts also makes sense; that these things come from a place in us that can't communicate or didn't know how to communicate at the time.

Someone also mentioned that their parts also get stuck in a "feedback loop" which I thought was interesting and they use somatic exercise to calm them down. If you're interested, there's a quite active IFS forum on reddit where people talk about their IFS experiences.

https://www.reddit.com/r/InternalFamilySystems/comments/vc6h5v/caught_in_a_loop_of_protectors_around/

Sending you support,
dolly